Talia Deciding Mimi Is Her Idol and Example

 Dear Kids, 

Talia last night while I was tucking her in said to me, "Mom - who is your idol? I want to have an idol and I just can't decide who it should be." So then I told her about how my idea of an idol has changed over time. When I was a teenager the way I thought famous people were my idol's and examples, and how now I know that I actually want an example of someone that I want to be like that is spiritually healthy and strong. 

I told her, "Maybe instead of searching for an idol, you need to decide 'What do I want to be like? what characteristics do I want as part of my life?' ... then after answering those questions find someone in your life with those characteristics and they can be your idol and example."

Talia decided to think about that one for a minute. I went over to sit with Gabe for a few minutes. Then Talia turned over and said, "Mom! I've got it! I was sitting here thinking of the kind of characteristics I want and the talents I want and then I realized 'Mimi has all of those things!'... Mimi can be my idol! She was a great dancer, she loved music, she was everyone's friend, she was organized and loved binders, she loved planning things out and putting together parties, and she loved Jesus! She and I are so much alike already....She is my idol'!". 

That made me really emotional. I just cried and I said, "Talia... I think you are exactly right! You and Mimi ARE so much alike and have so many of the same talents and gifts."

It warmed my heart SO MUCH that my mom had made such a huge impact on Talia's life before she passed away. I KNOW my mom was there in the room when Talia was talking about that and feeling all of those emotions of love about her. Little does Talia know that Mimi prayed about her specifically. 

When we were in Idaho living with Papa and Mimi before she passed away, there was a morning that she walked out and said, "I have been praying about Talia and about how I can help her. I was asking Heavenly Father what I could do for her. I think I'm going to let her decorate the house and take charge of that and then I think I'm going to do some girl movie time with her everyday."

That was my mom. She would pray about people that she knew were possibly hurting inside and figure out a way to love them and include them. She was a master at that. And Talia felt it. She knew that Mimi was doing something to love her specifically, especially because while we were there Talia was having a hard time with missing her friends and being away from St. George. There were a lot of big emotions Talia was feeling and my mom knew that, so she prayed for a way to LOVE Talia. She could have been frustrated with her. She could have been SUPER bugged with Talia's attitude. But instead she figured out a way to love her and connect with her. 

And those memories and love deposits have stayed with Talia. What a gift that my mom gave to her. I'm SO GRATEFUL for it. So grateful. 

And yes, Mimi is the perfect example and idol of someone to look up to. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

(Here are a few pictures: Mimi and her family party planning, profile picture, Talia at the princess party Mimi planned, and Talia picking raspberries at Mimi's house, Mimi and Papa at our house in St. George after Elijah was born)

Being Homesick, Missing Mimi, Wanting a Home

 Dear Kids, 

There's been homesickness running around our house the past few days. 

Last Sunday was Stake Conference here in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. When I was there, I sat down and was just watching people in the church greeting each other, the long term relationships that were obviously a part of the congregation that was gathered, and the leadership and area authority that were there had such a wonderful spirit. The Temple President of the Merida Temple was there and his personality was just charismatic and vivacious. 

I just sat and watched all of this, feeling in my heart that was happening, but still not able to communicate because my tongue and mind are still in the early development process of this language. 

And homesickness hit me like crazy. I wanted to be home, with my people. I wanted to run into my friends at church and give them a hug. I wanted to sustain my people in my language. I missed home. I wanted to be back where I could put down roots for years and years with people that I can grow with and develop family relationships with, that will be connected forever. Then I missed Mimi like crazy - the way she was able to affect so many people in her area just by touching people one by one. 

Then last night we went to the weekly Wednesday activity at the church. And I felt it again. But I realized that I felt homesickness for something that might not ever be again. 

At the activity they were celebrating the anniversary of the Relief Society. As part of it they were putting on a talent show for each other. They set up this make shift backdrop with curtains that people could go through to get on "stage". It was hokey and chinsey and ADORABLE. It was simple and everyone was included. Most of the talents shared were really not that great, but everyone there was cheering each other on. It didn't matter how great you were, everyone was supportive of you just getting up and sharing. There is an element of that simplicity that we have lost back home. Everyone feels like everything has to be amazing and complicated and perfect. Here, it doesn't have to be that way. 

I realized that I wanted to be with my people inside of that simplicity as well. I was homesick for something that I might not ever see again. The world is CHANGING at a rapid pace, and I want SO MUCH for my children to just have an innocent happy childhood. I want my kids to be at peace with the world and enjoy simple summer days. I want them to be settled in the beauty of the gospel. Not try to keep up with the frantic pace that everything is moving at. And my heart longed for the simple days of my childhood when I was innocent and was able to go play in the trees for hours on end in a protected neighborhood that was beautiful. 

I want that for my kids. A small town, with trees all around, with the beauty of nature and for the complications of the world to NOT touch my kids. 

But that is not the world we live in anymore. It is changing so fast. And I don't know if that is what our lives are going to look like. The Lord might have something totally different in mind. But right now, with our kids on the cusp of being teenagers, I want a home where people can gather together. I want to host friends at our home. I want a gathering place where kids feel safe and protected and loved. I want the gospel light to be abundant in our home. I want to have a stack of Book of Mormons on a shelf that all the kids in my home can grab and read together at 9pm every night. 

And I miss my mom. Because she did ALL OF THIS FOR ME. 

I miss her so much. I miss what she created for me when I was home. I miss being protected and loved by her and that she always knew the best way to handle a situation. I just miss her. I miss being mothered.

I got home from the activity and just cried. Then I tucked in Talia and Gabe and we talked about Mimi and we cried together. 

Life just has a way of constantly changing form. I just pray to my Lord that I can keep reaching to Him while it always changes around me. I love Jesus and I love my family. I pray for God to give us a home where we can have our kids gather around us before they leave us permanently. I want that. 

I love you kids. This is the experience that the Lord has set up for us, I know that. I trust God completely. And I pray that we can have a place to be where your teenage years can be fondly remembered by you when you are in your middle age and you look back and think about the home you grew up in. 

Love you so much, 

Your Mom

Russia, Ukraine, US, Gadianton Robbers of our Day and Prophecy

 Dear Kids, 

We are watching prophecy come about right before our eyes. 

Russia invaded the Ukraine a couple of weeks ago. There are LOTS of differing opinions as to why. The background of the situation is very interesting. Our media would have us believe that it was on a whim that Russia decided to do this. But in reality, it's been a long time coming. 

There was a coup in Ukraine in 2014 where the government was replaced. The Ukraine is a HIGHLY used area for all the deep state families and their schemes. There are US biolabs in the Ukraine that have been a target of the Russians. And the NATO expansion within the country is something that Putin (leader of Russia) didn't want to tolerate anymore. 

There are some people who are cheering Putin on and telling everyone that he is "fighting the New World Order". Others are saying he is the devil and is trying to take over the world. I will tell you what I see.

I see the Book of Mormon playing out before our eyes. 

I see one band of "modern day Gadianton Robbers" fighting another band for ultimate power. There is NO GOOD GUY or BAD GUY HERE. They are all fighting for positions of power, money and control. No matter what side you are on, that is the reality of the purpose of this whole thing. They are trying to push the world into a financial reset, and the West wants the power, but Putin doesn't want to give them the power. He wants the control, just like China wants it and just like the deep state wants it. They all want ultimate control. 

And God's children are caught between the wicked fighting of the governmental leaders. 

I wish I could say that the US is innocent and just standing up for the right. But I can't say that. The US government, for many years, has been corrupt and pushing for ultimate power over the world as well. That is evident when you look at a map and see all the expansion. It is evident when you see all the ways the money of the US has been funneled to various groups in the middle east with guns and military grade weapons. Man, there is so much there, it would fill many volumes of a book with all the corruption for the last 40-60 years. 

Anyone who looks at this situation and just tries to understand it from the last one year view will be completely lost. You have to look at it from the last 100+ years and the way the cycles are moving. You have to do your research of what is going on with the expansionism of the liberal agenda and how they have successfully taken over so much of our whole world's ideologies. that is the mindset the people have who think that Putin is going to "free us" of the New World Order because he's fighting against it. 

But they are mistaken as well. Putin is a totalitarian government guy. The system of government there is also not ideal and you DON'T want Russian government trying to take over everything either, especially because Putin and China are starting to buddy up through all of this. 

It is leading to WWIII. 

Kids, I don't know how it's going to look or how fast everything is going to come about. I have no idea. But I do know these are more contractions that are leading to the Savior coming back. Like a woman in travail... just like it tells us in the scriptures. 

We are heading for a financial reset. We are heading for war. We are heading for hard times. 

AND the Lord is in charge still. He is letting the wicked destroy the wicked. 

The sad part is the innocents that are caught between everything. But even inside of that, I TRULY believe that the Holy Ghost and the Light of Christ warns people who are listening. I KNOW that to be true. There are countless stories of people who have been able to leave the Ukraine because they knew something was wrong. And there are many stories of those helping people on the ground who stayed. 

At this point, the important part is to know the prophecies, stay close to the spirit, understand that everything we are seeing is leading to the Savior coming back. I don't know when, but never give up praying for His return... whether you are 10 years old or 99 years old. HOLD ONTO THE FAITH.

Read the Book of Mormon to understand how this downfall is happening. It has all happened before. 

I love you kids. So much. 

Your Mom

Health Stuff In Mexico and Getting A Blessing

 Dear Kids, 

I received a blessing last night because I've been having some health issues rise up while we've been here.  Everyone's stomach's have been bothering them a bit, on and off, and I felt like I wanted direction with all of that. 

In the last two weeks I've had issues with a UTI, Kidney's hurting me and digestion. Thankfully the UTI has settled down and my kidney's are MUCH better. But the digestive issues are still a mystery. We've been careful about washing our food and cooking things. The rule when you live out of the country is if you can't peel it or cook it, then don't eat it. 

But we apparently need to be more vigilant in that arena. 

The blessing that was given to me told us that everything we are experiencing with digestion is to teach us what is common. That was an interesting way to put it. I felt especially that it is good for us to experience things that help us understand how blessed we are and have been with our health. The Lord told me that nothing is or will be life threatening, but that my mind will be illuminated with what we need to do that we need to "bear it well". 

The other part of the blessing talked about what we are doing here - mainly getting these spiritually focused podcasts finished up. The Lord told me that you will remember this experience and see the sacrifices we made in order to follow the Lord's direction and counsel. I pray for that so much! I pray that you will have deposits given into your souls because of what we are choosing to do for the Lord. I was told that generations from now will be blessed because of our efforts. Praise the Lord for that!! There are going to be millions of people who will hear and benefit from what we are doing. I just pray that all of this will be used the way the Lord intends it to be used. These skills need to be accessible in a different format for the world to benefit thereby. I know that in my soul. I'm just humbled and grateful that He asked us to do it. 

Kids, we live in a fallen world. There are so many things that happen everyday that witness of that. But we have a Savior that helps to lift us from it all. I praise my Savior everyday! When I wake up in the morning, I praise Him! I give Him all the glory!

I love you, 

Your Mom

We Are A Family Of Faith

 Dear Kids, 

Our friend, Juan, came up to us in church and told us a story.

His family moved to the US when he was young. He remembers walking to church and he turned and asked his dad, "Why are we going to church if we don't understand anything that anyone is saying?".

His dad simply replied, "Because we are a family of faith."

He then said, "I was watching you today during sacrament and I thought the same thing ...'they are a family of faith'. You are here even though you don't understand anything anyone is saying. The Lord sees your faithfulness."

It was the biggest compliment anyone could give us. It has been difficult not knowing the language and trying our hardest, especially for the kids. But we're doing our best, the people have been so friendly and kind including us, and the Lord is making up the difference for our weaknesses.

Kids, if you remember anything, please remember from growing up that WE ARE A FAMILY OF FAITH. We are.

In your life be prepared to expect miracles or die in faith. Be ready to follow the spirit and get to know the voice of God. Take the time it takes to get to know the spirit. Put the work into prayer and study. Put the work in. It's worth it. A relationship with the Lord and Jesus is WORTH IT. Every time.

I love you kids,

Your Mom

Spiritually Centered Podcasts and Progress

 Dear Kids, 

Your dad and I have a very specific reason why we are here while he isn't working formally. It's because God gave us a mission to get the Spiritually Centered Podcasts finished. I've written you about that just a little bit. I want to write more. 

There is a program that was put together by Brother James Cox about 30-40 years ago. He did a lot of research on people and how they lived the gospel. He spent his time putting together curriculum in order to teach people about becoming spiritually centered in their hearts within gospel living. He ended up doing seminars all over the place about the thought patterns of Christ and "Becoming Spiritually Centered" in life. 

My mom, your Mimi was introduced to the curriculum many years ago and she passed it onto us. I had it in my life since I was in my early 20's and it has changed the trajectory of my spiritual growth, that is for sure. After meeting your dad I introduced him to the program and it totally changed his life. That program got us through some REALLY hard things, and it was therapy for him in his healing from lots of things. 

About 4 years ago God told us to put the lessons together into a podcast so it could be more accessible to the members of the church who need it. At this point it is still on CD's and in a manual format. In a podcast it can be very accessible to the younger generations and updated material format. We've been working on it slowly but surely, but man it has been slow. 

At one point God told your dad that "the next step in your life will open when you completely dedicate your time to get the podcasts done". When we went on this journey to be living on the road and we knew we were going to be traveling, we both had the VERY strong impression that the biggest reason for it was to give your dad and I time to get these DONE. 

This is a labor of love. We've been working on it since we got here. I know it's been difficult for you guys because we are busy in our room a lot while you are working on your school work and doing other things. You have made comments like, "You and dad are always busy!". But we are doing the Lord's work and I believe that He is making up the difference for us. 

We are doing OUR BEST to have quality time with you all in the process. The work time during the day we have is being spent on the podcasts, but the time at night and afternoon is being spent with you. We've been able to have a lot of fun together. I hope you have THOSE memories specifically. 

We are HALF WAY DONE! Yahoo!! We are making progress. We have a lot left to do, but we are getting there. After Krista was here, we were both feeling very anxious to get back into the groove of working on them. But this week we will be able to do that. 

The Lord is helping us so much. I have felt it. And I've felt a little bit of chastising from Him to get them done faster. I can focus more on them instead of everything happening in the world. As this new week starts we are going to be hitting it really hard and getting as much done as we can. 

We are on a mission right now! I love that part. We are on a mission for God getting these finished. 

I love you kids. I want you to know that we did our best to follow God. And I hope because of that it is planting seeds in your heart to do the same thing in your lives, as only God can tell you how. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Synopsis of Krista and Alex visiting for 18th Birthday

 Dear Kids, 

It was so fun to have Krista and Alex here. Krista brought him here for his 18th birthday trip. She was a little worried about him liking his time spent with younger cousins, but he really loved it! 

We did LOTS of things together. 

They got here last Friday (March 4th). 

Saturday: We went to Cenote Cristalino all together, which was beautiful. Talia and Elijah jumped off the cliff edge over and over and over again! Alex swam like a fish everywhere. The water was super mineral heavy and Elijah had a hard time swimming in a couple spots, so we had to be careful with life jackets. But everyone had a blast. That night Krista, Alex and dad and I went to the Cave Restaurant all together. It's called "Alux". It was AMAZING.  It was down under ground in a cave and the food was super unique and really tasty!

Sunday: We went to church together (it was wonderful to have a car to take to church since we rented it for the week they were here). Then they came over for Sunday dinner, we made a cake for Alex, then we headed downtown to see some performances. We missed the Mayan performance which we were sad about. But we walked around town and Alex and Krista really liked it all. 

Monday: It was Puerto Morelos day for scuba diving. I told you the story about all of that in the other post. Alex had great dives, which I was really happy about. Everyone had a fun time at the beach and then we went to the restaurant after to eat. It's always so fun to eat right by the ocean! I love the energy of it so much. 

Tuesday: Coba Ruins day! These ruins were AMAZING. There's so much there to learn from. It's fascinating to me to see all the conclusions people came to from totally different sides of the world. The similarities between the center of the Mayan world and the Romans was just amazing! God inspires everyone for their benefit and learning when they are a righteous people that's for sure. All of you kids did SO MUCH BETTER at these ruins than at Tulum. We did bike taxi's to various parts of the ruins because it was a huge site, and Brent, Alex and Gabe had bikes themselves. Gabe LOVED that! After the ruins and lunch we went to the cave Cenotes. They were phenomenal! The water was really mineral rich and "heavy". They were heavenly! We got back into town late and had dinner at El Fungon. Our favorite local restaurant. 

Wednesday: Beach day! We spent all day at Xpu-Ha Beach. Our favorite beach so far! It is just beautiful! Alex and all of you played in the waves over and over and over and over again, you wore yourselves out. After you were all exhausted and sun spent, we brought you home for a movie, then dad and I with Krista and Alex went to an Italian restaurant that was also just to die for. Then we went shopping a bit.

Thursday: This is the day they had to head out of town. Brent picked them up and we did lunch together then we took them to the airport in the afternoon. 

It was great to have them in town all together. By the time they left we were READY to be DONE with all the tourist things. It has been a good excuse to do all those things when people are in town, but it does get tiring to just go-go-go all day with all the tourist things. It is nice to be done and settle down a bit back into everyday life. 

I have come to really like our simple lives here. It is nice to just be together as a family and enjoy each other, be together everyday, work on our projects, go swimming and play family games. It's a simple schedule and I love it. 

LOVE YOU KIDS!

Your Mom

Scuba Diving and Panic Attack

 Dear Kids,

 

I want to tell you about panic attacks.

 

Krista and Alex were in town last week and we did a lot of fun things with them (I’ll write about those too!) We made an appointment to go scuba swimming. Your dad went with Dani and Alan when they were here, so we thought I would go with Krista and Alex. I had to go early to do a refresher of the equipment because it’s been 15 years since I’ve been diving.

 

And WOW – I have forgotten a lot of what it’s like to go under water like that. We got there and I got in the pool for the refresher and I was doing okay and then my mind went a little crazy. In order to breathe correctly you have to breathe really slow and deep and stay very calm. I knew this going into the experience and I had been visualizing what it was going to be like and walking myself through it.

 

But all of a sudden when I was in the pool I just thought, “What if I don’t want to breathe slowly? What if I want to breathe really fast? What if I don’t want to stay calm?” and those thoughts just spiraled out of control and I had to go to the top of the pool. The dive instructor was so sweet with me. He talked me through it and calmed me down. Then we went in the pool again and swam around. I thought that I could do it!

 

So we got on the boat and went out to the ocean. As soon as the boat stopped moving the seasickness just went crazy and I felt horrible. We got our equipment on and then went into the water. I looked down into the ocean and I felt like I was looking into my coffin. I just couldn’t go down into that water. I tried again and again, but then I totally panicked. It was a TOTAL panic attack. I told the dive instructor that I just couldn’t do it. I had to get back into the boat.

 

I’ve had two other panic attacks in my life – one when we had to be transported to the hospital for Elijah’s birth and I knew he was in pain. The other was when I was the CEO of a new company and I found out the owner had been keeping two sets of books and the company was bankrupt and none of the employees were going to get paid (there were about 20 employees). Those panic attacks were so profound and real.

 

For me those kind of panic attacks feel like my body can’t do any more. I can’t process anything. I start breathing really fast. I actually get really calm in my voice, I don’t scream or yell, I actually go into myself quite a bit and I know that I can’t handle one more thing. My nervous system just shuts down. I don’t feel like it’s a heart attack like some people, it’s more felt in my nervous system and my digestive system. And I have no more control.

 

I have felt anxiety plenty of times in my life and I have had to teach myself to get to the other side of it. I have learned a lot of skills to get me to the other side of anxiety attacks, but panic attacks are completely different.

 

I expected to have anxiety reactions when I went diving, but I didn’t expect a panic attack like that. Not like that.

 

But I learned something new about myself, and that is always a valuable thing. I learned about a limit that I have emotionally and physically. I want to try a shallow dive or shore dive next time and try to work through the fear and panic of it. I feel like the two things that set me off were feeling like I was trapped with breathing, and looking at the power and vastness of the ocean and having no control over it. The depth and power of the ocean intimidates me.

 

When I got back into the boat I threw up several times. Krista and Alex dove and came back in about 45 minutes. Krista threw up when she got back into the boat and then they took us back to shore. It took my body quite a while to settle down from the panic and seasickness.

 

I love adventure. I have been on a lot of adventures – skydiving being one of my favorites! So it isn’t the adventure of it that scares me.

 

I think my emotional lesson for all of you when you read this is to know that your mom is very human! To know that panic attacks are real and VERY different from anxiety attacks.

 

When you have anxiety or depression in your life, there are skills and tools to help you get past those moments and times. I have had to learn them in order to work through all of those very human reactions. It’s important to NOT be controlled by fear. It’s very important to learn the skills to cope with life in general and the hard things that show up. One of the most important tools is prayer and talking to God.

 

It's the same with panic attacks. You need to learn how to get to the other side. Like with Elijah’s birth. I got to the other side. We figured it out and he was okay. With the employees of the company, I had to break it to them about everything, and it was very hard, but I got to the other side. I had to face those fears.

 

It’s going to be the same with scuba. I’m going to have to work through it to get to the other side of it, and if I need to go through a slow pace to do that, it’s okay. I am in recovery with huge emotions that have been jolted over the last year.

 

I missed MIMI a lot after all of that happened. I missed her a ton. It triggered a lot of grief emotions that I also had the chance to feel and work through as well.

 

I love you kids. Remember, all these hard things happen in life. Our family has been through a LOT in the last little while. And you NEVER know what the triggers are going to be what they are going to shake out of you. But let the emotions shake out and figure them out. It’s healthy and good, especially so you don’t get STUCK. Don’t get stuck.

 

I LOVE YOU,

 

Your Mom