Scuba Diving and Panic Attack

 Dear Kids,

 

I want to tell you about panic attacks.

 

Krista and Alex were in town last week and we did a lot of fun things with them (I’ll write about those too!) We made an appointment to go scuba swimming. Your dad went with Dani and Alan when they were here, so we thought I would go with Krista and Alex. I had to go early to do a refresher of the equipment because it’s been 15 years since I’ve been diving.

 

And WOW – I have forgotten a lot of what it’s like to go under water like that. We got there and I got in the pool for the refresher and I was doing okay and then my mind went a little crazy. In order to breathe correctly you have to breathe really slow and deep and stay very calm. I knew this going into the experience and I had been visualizing what it was going to be like and walking myself through it.

 

But all of a sudden when I was in the pool I just thought, “What if I don’t want to breathe slowly? What if I want to breathe really fast? What if I don’t want to stay calm?” and those thoughts just spiraled out of control and I had to go to the top of the pool. The dive instructor was so sweet with me. He talked me through it and calmed me down. Then we went in the pool again and swam around. I thought that I could do it!

 

So we got on the boat and went out to the ocean. As soon as the boat stopped moving the seasickness just went crazy and I felt horrible. We got our equipment on and then went into the water. I looked down into the ocean and I felt like I was looking into my coffin. I just couldn’t go down into that water. I tried again and again, but then I totally panicked. It was a TOTAL panic attack. I told the dive instructor that I just couldn’t do it. I had to get back into the boat.

 

I’ve had two other panic attacks in my life – one when we had to be transported to the hospital for Elijah’s birth and I knew he was in pain. The other was when I was the CEO of a new company and I found out the owner had been keeping two sets of books and the company was bankrupt and none of the employees were going to get paid (there were about 20 employees). Those panic attacks were so profound and real.

 

For me those kind of panic attacks feel like my body can’t do any more. I can’t process anything. I start breathing really fast. I actually get really calm in my voice, I don’t scream or yell, I actually go into myself quite a bit and I know that I can’t handle one more thing. My nervous system just shuts down. I don’t feel like it’s a heart attack like some people, it’s more felt in my nervous system and my digestive system. And I have no more control.

 

I have felt anxiety plenty of times in my life and I have had to teach myself to get to the other side of it. I have learned a lot of skills to get me to the other side of anxiety attacks, but panic attacks are completely different.

 

I expected to have anxiety reactions when I went diving, but I didn’t expect a panic attack like that. Not like that.

 

But I learned something new about myself, and that is always a valuable thing. I learned about a limit that I have emotionally and physically. I want to try a shallow dive or shore dive next time and try to work through the fear and panic of it. I feel like the two things that set me off were feeling like I was trapped with breathing, and looking at the power and vastness of the ocean and having no control over it. The depth and power of the ocean intimidates me.

 

When I got back into the boat I threw up several times. Krista and Alex dove and came back in about 45 minutes. Krista threw up when she got back into the boat and then they took us back to shore. It took my body quite a while to settle down from the panic and seasickness.

 

I love adventure. I have been on a lot of adventures – skydiving being one of my favorites! So it isn’t the adventure of it that scares me.

 

I think my emotional lesson for all of you when you read this is to know that your mom is very human! To know that panic attacks are real and VERY different from anxiety attacks.

 

When you have anxiety or depression in your life, there are skills and tools to help you get past those moments and times. I have had to learn them in order to work through all of those very human reactions. It’s important to NOT be controlled by fear. It’s very important to learn the skills to cope with life in general and the hard things that show up. One of the most important tools is prayer and talking to God.

 

It's the same with panic attacks. You need to learn how to get to the other side. Like with Elijah’s birth. I got to the other side. We figured it out and he was okay. With the employees of the company, I had to break it to them about everything, and it was very hard, but I got to the other side. I had to face those fears.

 

It’s going to be the same with scuba. I’m going to have to work through it to get to the other side of it, and if I need to go through a slow pace to do that, it’s okay. I am in recovery with huge emotions that have been jolted over the last year.

 

I missed MIMI a lot after all of that happened. I missed her a ton. It triggered a lot of grief emotions that I also had the chance to feel and work through as well.

 

I love you kids. Remember, all these hard things happen in life. Our family has been through a LOT in the last little while. And you NEVER know what the triggers are going to be what they are going to shake out of you. But let the emotions shake out and figure them out. It’s healthy and good, especially so you don’t get STUCK. Don’t get stuck.

 

I LOVE YOU,

 

Your Mom