Being Homesick, Missing Mimi, Wanting a Home

 Dear Kids, 

There's been homesickness running around our house the past few days. 

Last Sunday was Stake Conference here in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. When I was there, I sat down and was just watching people in the church greeting each other, the long term relationships that were obviously a part of the congregation that was gathered, and the leadership and area authority that were there had such a wonderful spirit. The Temple President of the Merida Temple was there and his personality was just charismatic and vivacious. 

I just sat and watched all of this, feeling in my heart that was happening, but still not able to communicate because my tongue and mind are still in the early development process of this language. 

And homesickness hit me like crazy. I wanted to be home, with my people. I wanted to run into my friends at church and give them a hug. I wanted to sustain my people in my language. I missed home. I wanted to be back where I could put down roots for years and years with people that I can grow with and develop family relationships with, that will be connected forever. Then I missed Mimi like crazy - the way she was able to affect so many people in her area just by touching people one by one. 

Then last night we went to the weekly Wednesday activity at the church. And I felt it again. But I realized that I felt homesickness for something that might not ever be again. 

At the activity they were celebrating the anniversary of the Relief Society. As part of it they were putting on a talent show for each other. They set up this make shift backdrop with curtains that people could go through to get on "stage". It was hokey and chinsey and ADORABLE. It was simple and everyone was included. Most of the talents shared were really not that great, but everyone there was cheering each other on. It didn't matter how great you were, everyone was supportive of you just getting up and sharing. There is an element of that simplicity that we have lost back home. Everyone feels like everything has to be amazing and complicated and perfect. Here, it doesn't have to be that way. 

I realized that I wanted to be with my people inside of that simplicity as well. I was homesick for something that I might not ever see again. The world is CHANGING at a rapid pace, and I want SO MUCH for my children to just have an innocent happy childhood. I want my kids to be at peace with the world and enjoy simple summer days. I want them to be settled in the beauty of the gospel. Not try to keep up with the frantic pace that everything is moving at. And my heart longed for the simple days of my childhood when I was innocent and was able to go play in the trees for hours on end in a protected neighborhood that was beautiful. 

I want that for my kids. A small town, with trees all around, with the beauty of nature and for the complications of the world to NOT touch my kids. 

But that is not the world we live in anymore. It is changing so fast. And I don't know if that is what our lives are going to look like. The Lord might have something totally different in mind. But right now, with our kids on the cusp of being teenagers, I want a home where people can gather together. I want to host friends at our home. I want a gathering place where kids feel safe and protected and loved. I want the gospel light to be abundant in our home. I want to have a stack of Book of Mormons on a shelf that all the kids in my home can grab and read together at 9pm every night. 

And I miss my mom. Because she did ALL OF THIS FOR ME. 

I miss her so much. I miss what she created for me when I was home. I miss being protected and loved by her and that she always knew the best way to handle a situation. I just miss her. I miss being mothered.

I got home from the activity and just cried. Then I tucked in Talia and Gabe and we talked about Mimi and we cried together. 

Life just has a way of constantly changing form. I just pray to my Lord that I can keep reaching to Him while it always changes around me. I love Jesus and I love my family. I pray for God to give us a home where we can have our kids gather around us before they leave us permanently. I want that. 

I love you kids. This is the experience that the Lord has set up for us, I know that. I trust God completely. And I pray that we can have a place to be where your teenage years can be fondly remembered by you when you are in your middle age and you look back and think about the home you grew up in. 

Love you so much, 

Your Mom