Phases of Parenting

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting here in an empty house. All of my kids are playing with someone right now and hanging out. I'm entering in to a stage where all of you just don't need me the same way that you did before. 

It's strange. 

Gabe has been pushing back, finding his independence. 

Talia just wants to be with her friends after she finishes her responsibilities.

Elijah is the same. 

Joshua is the same. 

It's crazy to me that I'm entering into a different phase of parenting. It's totally new to me and figuring out how many reigns to give compared to how much to hold onto is quite the balancing act. 

I cried over Gabe the other night. He got home from a trip he took to Mexico to help at an orphanage. I felt entitled to hear all about it. But he didn't want to share much. He just said, "Mom I experienced a lot of things that I just don't want to share publicly." And that was that. He got angry at me for asking him questions. He was frustrated when I tried to ask thought provoking questions, accusing me that I wasn't honoring his privacy. 

So I backed off. And I cried. 

He used to tell me everything. He used to just be by my side all the time. He was always so much without guile. He was always so happy and wanting to laugh with me. 

And he's gone. My boy is gone. He is turning into a man and trying to become his own person. 

And it's right. It's all as it should be. It isn't wrong. But it's still hard. It's hard not to be the first person to be there experiencing things with him. It's hard to specifically drop him off at mountain biking knowing he doesn't want me to stay. It's hard to not be "everything" for him anymore. 

And it's right. He should be feeling this way. he should be finding his independence. He should be feeling things out on his own. He should be keeping things close his heart and wanting to be his own person. 

But it's still hard for me. 

When I was crying I talked to my momma in heaven. I apologized to her for anytime I got frustrated because she kept asking me questions. She was good at that. She would ask me questions and want to know everything. Sometimes I got upset with her about it. But she just wanted to be involved. She was just trying to show me that she cared and she still wanted to be a huge part of my life and my heart. 

I told her I was sorry and I would give anything for her to ask me questions again. I would give anything to talk to her about how to raise teenagers and how to figure it all out. I miss her. 

And there was a time that I didn't appreciate everything she did for me... just like my kids are going through right now. My kids if you are reading this - it's true. You just don't know what it takes to be a parent until you are one. When you start out with parenting, you think you have all the answers when the kids are little, and you have a lot of opinions about what your parents did right or wrong, or what others are doing right or wrong. 

Then as you gain parenting experience, you become much less judgmental of your own parents. You realize how much they did for you and how much they loved you. You realize so many things. 

The time will come for all of you when it comes full circle. The time will come when you will be 47 years old and you will have teenagers or adult children and you will read this and you will know exactly what I'm talking about and the big feelings involved in this whole parenting journey. 

I love you all. Even when you make me cry. I love you so much. I have given my whole life for you. And it's ALL WORTH IT. Even the rough moments. 

I love you, 

Your Momma

In The Thick Of It

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting in my bed at about 11pm at night and thinking about what story would be touching to share today. I can't really think of just one story. 

I want all of you to know how much I love you. All of you. 

Today was another one of those days that was filled with teenage emotions, problems, push backs and contentions. Gabe, Talia and Elijah - you are all experiencing really BIG emotions right now and trying to figure out your place in the world. Having three of you to go through this together is a ROLLERCOASTER to say the least, for the whole family and the whole house. 

When we have days like today when contentions arise and you are trying to figure out your own personal boundaries with life, it drains everyone. And it drains me. It seems like lately I can't do anything right. All of you complain about how I am late for things, that I show up 5 minutes late to pick you up, that I don't park close enough to the store, that the food could be "this way or that", that FHE could be more fun... etc. 

Gone are the days of just happy innocence, imagination and play. 

We are into days that are more emotion filled and boundary pushing. You are, as Elder Uchtdorf puts it, "Toddler Teenagers". 

The truth is that none of you have ever been teenagers before and you are just trying to figure things out. Nana told your dad and I that when kids become teenagers "Their brains fall out and you have to teach them everything all over again."

I didn't know how true that was until all of sudden we had teenagers! I am having to teach you manners all over again, why deodorant is a good idea, why you need to brush your teeth for 2 minutes at least, why we should NOT eat food in your bedrooms, why burping loudly in someone's ear is offensive, how to keep track of time on the clock, how to put your dishes away (I have to remind people to clear their spaces at the table all the time)... there are so many things that you are learning all over again... except this time you keep telling me, "Mom I KNOW."

You already "know" how to put your dishes away. You already "know" how to load the dishwasher.  You already "know" what manners are important. You already "know" personal hygiene practices and how to clean your room. You already "know" what to eat that is healthy and good for you. 

Except this time around everything you "know" isn't always put into practice. Doing is different from knowing. 

Today was just another one of those days. 

I can't think of anything in particular that happened that I could write about - other than the fact that I get to learn a lot of things over again too. 

I am learning how to be patient all over again. I am learning how to teach you all over again - just in a VERY different way. I am learning how to laugh with you all over again. I am learning how to get myself out of bed everyday and face motherhood again - just in very different ways. I thought as I progressed in parenting that I would learn to be MORE patient - but in reality there are many ways that I have become less patient. Remembering to exercise patience with everything you are still learning is a whole new thing as you are getting older. 

How is it that I've gotten so much more experienced with motherhood, yet I feel like I know less instead of more? That is a very big surreal feeling. How could I be less confident in so many ways as I've aged instead of more? But I feel that way. There is so much I don't know. Maybe that is the true sign that I am getting wiser as I get older - the sign that I realize that God just has to take it all in order for anything to work out okay because I just can't do this on my own. 

I have learned that. I have definitely learned and have HUGE confidence in the fact that I have to give EVERYTHING to GOD. 

And that's the end of everything. 

I just want a happy family life. In so many ways. I want all of you to just be nice to each other. That's all I want. I remember asking my mom what she wanted for a gift for her birthday and she would say, "Just one day with no one fighting." I now realize as a mother that she REALLY meant that. It really would be the greatest gift. 

Anyway - I am rambling now. 

Maybe the whole point of this journal entry is for when you are a mother or father, for when you have a hard day and you just realize that you are in the THICK OF IT ALL with your kids and in the end you just want them to be happy and healthy and to know that you love them. Maybe you will read this in 30 years when you are in the THICK of life with teenagers and you will understand then what I am trying to write down because it is something that is felt with the heart instead of trying to figure it out with words. 

I love you all. 

I want you read this in the end and realize that I just LOVE YOU. I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh. I want you to smile. I want you to get a long. I want you to forgive and let go. I want you to have a testimony of Jesus. I want you to breathe in the beauty of life around you and really enjoy it. I want the BEST for you. 

That is why I do what I do day in and day out. That is why I get out of bed in the morning - because I love you. 

And that is why you will do the same thing when you are a parent. And THEN you will understand. You will know that you are doing your best and you will know that I did my best. I wasn't perfect, but I did the BEST I KNEW HOW. And that is what matters. I did my best and you will do your best too. 

And in the end that is enough. 

I love you. Always. 

Your Momma

Update From The Last Year!! Lots of time to cover

 Dear Kids, 

I haven't talked AT ALL about Rise Up Academy! Man, I didn't realize how fast a year has gone by. How did I go a year without writing? I'll give you a run down of our lives in the last year since the last time I wrote. Here's a quick update from Spring of 2023 to the beginning of 2024:

 -April 2023 I applied for lots of co-ops to be part of. I PRAYED AND PRAYED for the right fit for our family. We found it! We joined Rise Up Academy in August 2023. It was been the BIGGEST answer to prayers for the kids and their experience with homeschooling, especially my teenagers.

-Summer 2023 was full of LAGOON. We got Lagoon passes for Christmas and the summer theme was just going to Lagoon as much as possible. We had some good times there together! We have so many pictures from going to Lagoon every week. We were able to meet up with the Robbins sometimes.

-We traveled to see Papa in July 2023. We had a Kvarfordt family Reunion in August 2023. It was a ton of fun. We had a bounce house with water and we did a service project to get the storage room cleaned out. It was a lot of work but good.

-Gabe did an Oceanography trip in May 2023. That was AWESOME and he LOVED IT so much!! He wanted to go again just for LONGER. He has a sea fairing traveling soul for sure.

-I turned 46 in May 2023. Crazy! (I'm not only 2 months away from 47!)

-Talia had a GREAT summer in 2023 with her neighborhood friends (she misses those times with them actually. Once school started in fall 2023, it changed a lot with that group. But her summer was a blast).

-Brent and I went to Vegas for our anniversary in June to the LOVE Cirque show. It was amazing! 

-I went to girls camp with Talia in June 2023. I was on the camp advisory board, and it was so fun to spend that time with my girl!! Brent was in the Elder's Quorum Presidency for about a year, but needed to be released because of all the travel that came up with work. 

-Gabe went to "All Stars High Adventure Camp" in June 2023. He had such an amazing experience there.

-Gabe went to FSY in June 2023. He LOVED IT SO MUCH! Such a great experience.

-Of course Talia turned 13 in July 2023. Official Teenager! And she got to go to FLORIDA in summer of 2023! amazing blessing.

-We got "Snowball" our RABBIT in Summer of 2023. Long awaited pet. 

-I have been teaching Joshua's "Core" class in Rise Up Academy, started in Aug 2023. It's been so fun to be his teacher. There are so many fun things I've been able to play to do with him in class that I wouldn't have time for otherwise. I'm so grateful for that FOR SURE. So many things I did with my older three kids (when they were little) that I've never done with Joshua. And this has given me that opportunity!

-In Rise Up: Gabe's classes = Sword and Hero, Classical Acting. Talia = Shakespeare (she got "high empress") and Key of Liberty. Elijah = Boys Club and various afternoon classes (music, chemistry, etc). Joshua = Core Class (with me!) and various afternoon classes.

-Kids started piano lessons with Jaime Guiterrez. She has been an amazing teacher for them and it's been SO GOOD to hear music in the house again.

-Talia joined the Screaming Diva's Company Dance team. She has 4 competitions this year (in Roy, St George, Ogden and Lagoon). She's been working REALLY hard at them!

-Gabriel started snowboarding this year! The Vrajich kids, Peja and Sasha, have been his teachers. He's been doing AWESOME and I'm so proud of him for trying something new! He's had a great snowboarding season. 

-Elijah has been doing basketball this season (Jan 2024) and he is going to be starting baseball soon!

-Joshua has been just hanging out and being amazing with learning so much all the time. I think he is going to be starting sports this next year. His reading is off the charts and math skills are far above his level. He definitely soaks up learning from all around him.

-Gabe has also been doing Speech and Debate classes. That has been teaching him SUCH GREAT communication skills and I'm so glad for him.

-We went to the St George Temple open house (Oct 2023) and the Red Cliffs Temple open house (Feb 2024).

-We've been doing all the "house" settling things. I feel like we are KIND OF all moved in (after a year, haha!). We got a couch for downstairs and will be starting to set up the TV room downstairs soon. I need to spend some more time on decorating! And family pictures :-)

-Brent has been traveling with his work A LOT. It is a BIG traveling job. I keep joking around with him that we got this job 10 years too early. If it was 10 years from now I could just travel everywhere with him. We got a surprise and were able to go to BARCELONA together! It was an amazing trip! We got to hang out with Shauna Little and LOVED that of course. 

-It was our first Christmas in this house officially. We moved in to the house 5 days before Christmas in 2023... so Christmas 2024 was the first official experience with Christmas in the house. I'm SO GRATEFUL for this home. It's SUCH A HUGE BLESSING in our lives. Definitely an answer to prayer for sure. 

Over all I look back and I'm overwhelmed with how well we've been taken care of. Look at everything that happened in a years time. It's amazing!

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

No Catastrophe's - Normal Busy Mode Is Nice!

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting at the kitchen table and listening to the sounds of "Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom" in the background as Elijah's plays the game. Joshua is telling him where to move and saying things like "Watch out! Go that way! Are you sure you are ready to fight him again?". It's adorable. 

The boys have been earning screens with their "bingo charts" and Gabriel has been following his daily schedule with his homework. Talia went to babysit someone in the ward after math class. 

Pretty normal day. 

It's strange. Even on the normal day I have this thing happening in my heart about life. 

It's a feeling of... "What's next?". 

We have a good routine with school. We have a good routine with vitamins and eating right and having good friends and doing our church callings and dad working and all the "things". I have this feeling of "What's next?".

It is a feeling that is a little bit... unsettling. I don't have any major issues to come up. It is nice to have life just be "normal". We spent YEARS in poverty, years figuring out our marriage, years with babies, years with sickness, years with death of family, years of so many things. 

And now I am finding that life is slowing down a little bit. And it's NOT slow at all. It's slowing down in a specific way. No more catastrophe's. 

That's so nice. It's amazing to have NO CATASTROPHE'S! No one is majorly ill. Our income in stable. The kids are all moving through life in school. It's amazing actually. I feel like I've been on the edge of some kind of crisis for so long, that I don't know how to come down out of it. 

Don't get me wrong, our life is busy. My life is SUPER busy right now. I'm in my car all the time taking kids here and there. The kids are involved in a lot of great things with school and activities. We always have something that we are doing and involved with. Rise Up Academy has been the HUGEST blessing for our family this year and we are SUPER busy with everything happening there with classes, preparing classes, Shakespeare play, Classical Acting play, service projects, gearing up for next year and all the things. 

Having *almost* three teenagers and one *almost* tween is a busy and GREAT time of life. AND... I don't have any crises going on right now. I'm SO GRATEFUL. 

I'm finding that coming down from survival and crisis is something that I'm getting used to. 

I'm also finding that I have a lot in life I have left to do. What do I need to do to give back? What do I need to do to make a difference in the world? What do I need to do in order to help my family more? How can I love my husband more? How can I serve in the kingdom more? How can I develop my talents more?

It's a GOOD in between space because I can actually really start thinking about these things. It's so nice. 

I read my last post about if I died unexpectedly. I'm so glad that I didn't! I am so glad that I am living and breathing and moving and doing life like this. 

I am so grateful for life. I am grateful for the EVERYDAY NORMAL LIFE!

I love you kids. So much. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful, everyday life. 

I love you, 

Your Mom