That Mom

Dear Kids,

So we went out of town this weekend to a family member's wedding. While we were traveling there were several times when I realized that my kids looked really crazy, and not just my kids, but me too! You know... crazy hair, crazy clothes, dirty faces, stains on clothing, obviously funny hygiene from traveling. But the thing that really got me is that when I noticed it... I really DIDN'T CARE.

Ha! I have become "That Mom".

I remember looking at "That Mom" some time ago before I knew any better. I remember seeing kids with faces that were dirty, clothes with stains that had been there all day, mix-matched outfits, unkempt hair... or a mom with a crazy bun on the top of her head with various colors of who-knows-what on her clothing and a pair of mix-matched socks...and I swore I would never be "That Mom".

You see, I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she was lazy. I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she just didn't care about teaching her children about personal hygiene. I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she was part of a lower class of people somehow.

Man. I had no idea.

My assumptions about "That Mom" have changed a lot over the years. I now understand "That Mom" a bit more. I understand that the messy hair means that you have spent the last 72 hours traveling, getting kids ready from a suitcase, getting kids tucked into strange beds, helping them get a long as much as possible so you don't disturb the people you are staying with, trying to find the outfit you packed but then have to make do because you realize that you forgot half of it on the table at home.

I now understand "That Mom" is someone who is trying to recover from a hard year, from many emotional up's and down's, who is focusing so much on the inside that sometimes the outside might seem a little bit out of order. I understand the chocolate-covered faces are just barely covering up a child's smile...a smile that is so happy about a treat that you just want to leave the mess on the cute face a little bit longer. I understand that the personal hygiene of a 6 year old takes years and years and years to engrain (how many times do you have to remind him to wash his hands? ... oh yeah... like every. single. time. he. goes. to. the. bathroom. for. three. years. now.)

I understand that when a child has only one sock on, but has two shoes on (and you are at a party and you notice it because he is rolling around on the ground) it's perhaps the two year old child is figuring out how to put his shoes and socks on and off again... and in the mean time has thrown one of the socks in the garbage, which you were unaware of. (And "That Mom" just smiles when you overhear someone whispering, "that baby only has one sock on".)

I totally get it when "That Mom" has a bunch of crazy hair herself, no make up, and goes to a friends house and sits like a log (when normally she is really engaged in the conversation). It's because she is really tired and didn't realize it. It took actually sitting down on a comfortable couch, which immediately sucked her up and she had no idea how to get out of it's amazing and comfortable clutches and her brain had become mush in the 1.5 seconds it took to sit.

I have become "That Mom".

So take heart. Even though I have become "That Mom", it has also taught me so many more great things along the way. The greatest part is, I am TOTALLY HAPPY about being THAT MOM. The patience, the perspective, the laughter, the understanding of "life in the midst of the storm"... 

I love you,

Your Mom

A Little Elijah Moment

Dear Elijah,

I feel sad sometimes that I don't get as much time with you as I did the first two. There are so many days when I feel like you don't get the needed attention from me that both Gabriel and Natalia received so well because I had more available energy to give to them so equally.

Tonight was one of those nights. You were having a hard night. Everything was making you cry. Everything I tried to help you didn't work. Everything I tried to do - to teach you a better way of communicating with me - just made you more frustrated. I was back and forth with the other kids and moving slowly to fulfill the various requests of everyone because of other demands on the schedule as well (Basket Brigade management, my foot so I can't move, getting things ready for the Thanksgiving trip, getting ready for the wedding, church assignments, homeschooling, and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the ever growing amount of laundry that is always there and worse when I can't walk!).

You get the picture.

Well, tonight after your bath we put pajamas on and I went to put you to bed. I just sat in the room by ourselves - just you and me. You snuggled against me so much and I sang songs to you. Every couple of seconds you would pick up your head off my shoulder and give me a kiss. The last song we sang was "Families are Forever". As I sang that song and you kept giving me kisses I just started to cry! It was one of those overwhelming emotions of, "You are my baby forever!"

Your love for me just soaked through your little body into my heart. I needed that time with you tonight. You needed that time with me tonight. I love you so much and I don't want you to ever feel like I am "putting you off"... even though there are many times when everything that demands time from me that it seems that way to you.

I love you no matter what. I love you all the time and forever. I am so grateful you are my determined, handsome little man. I love everything that you are and everything that you have to do.

I love you,

Your Mom

My First Experience With Jesus - Another Version

Dear Kids,

Story of how I really gained my testimony of Christ:

When I was 17 years old there was a lot of upheaval in my family. My grandparents passed away two weeks apart, my uncle was thrown in jail in Mexico and we had to retrieve him, a few members of my family came out that they were homosexual, another uncle committed suicide, his wife kidnapped the kids and left the country, my parents were going through major emotional upheaval involved in all of this. My mom was suffering from anxiety attacks, my dad was inapproachable. I didn't understand then why he was so unapproachable, but I understand now. I had people approach me about whether or not my dad was "one of the gay ones". Our family was mocked....

There was a lot of cause for questioning inside of my teenage soul. I so admire my parents for the root and foundation of faith they gave to our family, however there was enough going on all at once that I really was having a lot of doubt about my faith in God, and whether or not He even really cared.

I went a few months without really praying or turning to God. I just turned my back on Him... as a lot of times teenagers do when they don't understand what is happening.

But I remember one night... one particular night when I had to get some peace. There were a lot of hard things happening in school and with my friends. My family had a lot of contention and I was trying to figure out my place in the world and if it really even mattered to anyone... especially to God.

So I remembering kneeling by my bed one night and just praying. I knelt, I prayed, I cried... I didn't know it then, but this was the first prayer of my life that was my "God Therapy". This particular prayer taught me that I could go to God and He would be my therapist.

I prayed for what seemed like hours. I wanted to feel Him somehow and in someway. It was a very similar feeling to Enos, when he ached in his heart to know about the truthfulness of what his father had taught him. I remember kneeling there and just not wanting to get up.

After, truly, a few hours later I remember just kneeling there and I had my eyes shut. Then in a particular moment it was almost like I was lifted out of my room, in my minds eye. I remember feeling a hand stroking my head. I remember feeling and knowing that in that moment, I was kneeling and laying my head in my Saviors lap. He was sitting there, with me, holding me and just stroking my head. He didn't say anything. He was just there and he loved me.

I cried more. I didn't want Him to leave. I just knelt there and I fell asleep like that. I remember waking up the next morning in that same position and just realizing to myself that my Savior loves me! He loves me. My Heavenly Father knows me by name and He cares about me. I remember feeling and realizing that I knew I had a testimony of my Savior without the help of anyone else, I knew for myself and I didn't have to rely on anyone else's testimony any more. From that point on I knew I needed to serve a mission. I knew that I needed to share His love.

I love you,

Your Mom

Filming With The Church

Dear Kids,

Today and yesterday we were filmed by a church crew from the video/audio department.

What a great experience it was! They are working on a project for return missionaries and I found out about it through a cousin who sent me the form to fill out. After sending in the form and a video of myself I received a call about 5 days later from Brady, a producer there. He said that he was impressed with how comfortable I was on camera and wanted to come down to do a shoot with me, interview me and do some filming with the family as well. I told him about Brent and his experience coming home from a mission and how it was different from mine, and Brady wanted to interview Brent as well.

So they came down to St. George and on Friday they came over to our house and filmed us doing interviews for about 3 hours, we went to lunch with the crew, then came back and they did filming again with the kids for about an hour. Then today (Saturday) we got up early and went out to Snow Canyon and did some filming of me painting right on the edge of a cliff over there (which was super cool) and then Brent came out with the kids and we did more filming with hiking and climbing with the kids as well.

The crew was fun and we were able to hang out with them a bit. More than anything, it was the beginning of what (I think) my patriarchal blessing talks about with bearing my testimony and having people all over the world hear my testimony and my husbands. The spirit has been poking me throughout this whole experience that Brent and I need to bear our testimonies more... and in a bigger way. The spirit has also been really talking to me about how I need to bear my testimony more and learn how to tell my story better.

There are so many things that have happened in my life, and I need to learn how to articulate the story around them better. It will take practice, which is why I need to get up and just talk about it more often. I want to pray for this and see how the Lord can open the doors for this to happen. I want to bear my testimony of HIM. I want to... I need to. The Lord has given me a magnetic personality that people respond to and he gave that to me so that I could spread His gospel. I am learning slowly but surely.

Writing my stories down on the blog with help me. That is what I want to do... use my journaling time to tell the story of my life.

I love you!

Your Mom