Dear Elijah,
We are learning a lot about you right now. We are learning a lot about ourselves.... AGAIN, as always.
Four years old is a hard age. It was hard with Gabe. It was hard with Talia. And it's definitely hard with you. We are learning new things as parents all the time inside of this family adventure. You have learned how to push everyone's buttons in a way that only Uncle J can probably understand! Ha! You are very smart and you know how to get on everyone's last nerve.
It's completely because you like to be the one who gets the reaction. Good example. Sunday was a rough day. At one point after church I was nursing the baby in the room. I started hearing these SCREAMS from Gabe. He was completely freaking out, like LOSING his mind kind of freak out. I haven't heard him do that for a while. Your dad came out of the bathroom and I just told him he better go and check and how things were going with you guys because it sounded like Gabe was dying.
He got down to your room and walked in. You were picking up Gabe's legos and throwing them and smashing them... all the while NOT looking at the lego's while you were doing it. You were looking at Gabe and watching his reactions to EVERYTHING. You liked seeing how far you could push Gabe to his edge. You liked having that emotional control over him and what was going on. You liked all of it. When your dad got there and saw what was happening he really had a hard time with it, especially because he could see your motivation written all over your face.
He swatted you on the bum, and all you did was smile and laugh about it. You KNEW you were in control of your father's emotions at that point and you LIKED it as well. He brought you down to our room where I was nursing the baby and I had you sit down. I said what a bummer it was that you were going to loose some privileges because of what just happened. All you did was smile at me and laugh about it. You were so happy about the fact that you were controlling everyone else's emotions.
When I put myself into a state to be able to stand back and see what was going on, I was amazed at the control you have over people and how much you know exactly how to control a situation and do what you have to in order to receive attention. I was also depressed because obviously we have allowed stuff like this to happen enough that it just keeps escalating and getting worse and worse.
So your dad and I talked over everything. We have just been pulling our hair out about what to do about it. And immediately the spirit said again, "He gets the attention he wants when he misbehaves. You must stop reacting to negative." I just told Brent, "What would we advise someone else to do in our situation? If we could see us from the outside, what would we say to them? What would we see? We have to step out of it to see everything so the spirit can talk with us about it."
I prayed and prayed about it the rest of the day. I cried about it in my prayers... Just about everything to do with parenting. This is HARD STUFF. It's tough. I had no idea how hard this is. I just prayed about helping me have an added extra measure of the spirit, and I would practice listening. I have to be out of the box with everything, with my children and my husband. Out of the box, learning to follow the spirit, and be a partner with God about everything in my home. After getting done with a gut wrenching prayer, I thought to myself, "Okay, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, I can go do that for Heavenly Father. I can do it for Him (even though it was the LAST thing I really wanted to go do)."
That night I started to turn to different articles and books and such about parenting. But again the spirit told me that I have been LOOKING to worldly resources too much. Not that they aren't good resources... they are all very substantial books and information. BUT, the first place I have to look is to the Lord, how He parents and the advice He gives through His servants.
The next morning I listened to a talk by Elder Hales about parenting from the 2010 conference. It gave me the answers I was looking for. Here are the main things that really hit my heart:
First: Example. The FIRST thing we have to do as parents is give the example. If we can't control our reactions and our tempers, then our children won't either. If we don't smile, they won't. AND the opposite, if we say meaningful prayers, then they will. If we look at them in love, then they will look at us in love. If we are patient with them, they will be patient with each other.
Of course, this is a "Duh" thing. Of course give them a good example. Duh. However, in the daily application this means something completely different, especially with these precious souls.
Second: Get their heart. And the only way to get their heart is by opening mine. The Lord's way of doing things is by listening, then whispering and testifying. He listens to me in my prayers all the time, then He whispers and testifies. Listen, look at them, understand their heart, and love them no matter what. This is all about the FEELING they get from me in those stressful moments, in the moments after school, in the moments when I am doing a project and they interrupt, when I am nursing and they are trying to be all over me. Is my heart open to them? Is my heart receiving them? Or am I bugged? Am I irritated? Am I invested in what THEY are feeling and thinking about how their life is going?
This quote hit me hard... "It is impossible to overestimate the influence of parents who understand the hearts of their children." He told a story about his grandson asking him, "Grandpa, are you in there?"
When I heard that I really cried... There are many times that I am not "in there" for my children. I also have to STOP acting like a victim inside of my feelings about being a mother. Being a mother is hard and it is exhausting... but no one is making me do this. I am CHOOSING this. I am choosing to be here with them. I can't be a victim of that choice. I need to own it completely and totally.
Third: Gospel teaching. This is also a "duh"... but I really thought about how I can do this better in our daily lives. This doesn't just equal prayers and scripture study. I asked the spirit about what this needs to include. He told me that everytime Elijah needs to take a break (or any of the kids), that when I go get them, I don't need to talk to them about what happened. But what I need to do is pray with them. So I did that Monday and Tuesday this week. Every time there were difficulties I said, "You ready to pray?" That ALONE has made a huge difference. Include the Lord in my parenting through praying with my children as soon as the difficulty comes... this could mean over and over and over again. More than anything it helped to keep MY spiritual eyes open to everything going on around me. That is what gospel teaching is about. It's about including God in my parenting. Instead of talking through something... let's try praying first about it, then talking after the spirit is with us. This is something that Elijah needs like crazy.
The greatest missionary work is being done HERE. My kids ARE my investigators.
So far my heart has had a lot more peace this week. I have to put God first in my emotions.
No matter what, I love you. I love you so much Elijah.
Your Mom
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