This motherhood gig is not for the faint of heart.
The other day I woke up NOT prepared to face the day. I didn't get up and do my normal routine (reading, praying, exercising, meditation and taking a luxurious shower) which always throws things off for our entire day. I can't believe the difference in our days when I get up and get all my "soul-filling-self-care" in for the day before I start to face the motherhood battle.
Anyway, this particular day I didn't get all that done. I woke up reacting to the day from the moment my eyes saw the light through the cracks in my eyes. I consciously knew I shouldn't be feeling to negative about the day already. There was no crisis, no emergency, but subconsciously I was in one of those "funks" and wasn't shaking it off. And children are the BEST at soaking up energy from anyone around them, doesn't matter what kind of energy it is, they soak it up and emulate it.
So, of course, that also lead to reaction from everyone...but especially Elijah. He's been figuring out so many things in his soul I feel like for the entire six years of his life. He is full of fire, fight, spunk, humor, and particularities. Inside of those strengths are a bunch of weaknesses wrapped up in the package, and anger is one of those things. He reacts with anger and defensiveness automatically to EVERYTHING if he is allowed to. He isn't afraid to face life square in the eyes.
When I am reactive, and he is reactive, it is a bad combination. And this day was after a week of HARD mom days (days that I wasn't reactive and really doing my job well... but they there still hard and had reached a climax of exhaustion). Before 9am this day I already had to interfere with about five fights going on, with Elijah being in the middle of them.
I asked him to brush his teeth and he snapped at me, "I can't find my toothbrush!!" I said as calmly as I could, "Don't you remember... you threw it at me yesterday in the kitchen. Do you remember where it landed?" It was under the stove. Gathering the grim and muck. But I was waiting for him to be ready to get it out from under there.
To the kitchen we went. He reached under and he couldn't reach it. So he snapped at me to help him. "Try again buddy." Again a bad reaction. "Try again." Finally, he got to the place of saying, "Mom, will you help me please."
I ALWAYS wait for him ask kindly before doing anything, because he can be very demanding, and this day, the way it was starting out, was leading to some major "try again" statements ALL DAY.
Back to the toothbrush. I got something to help me reach it under the stove. Pulled it out and not a second after I got it out from under the stove Elijah grabbed it out of my hand. In the process he completely knee'd me in the face... specifically my nose. It brought tears to my eyes. Remember I am on the kitchen floor, laying flat on my stomach because of getting this toothbrush out from under the stove. Elijah was on my right side, so when my left had came out holding the toothbrush and he reached across to grab it so suddenly, my face was in the way.
Well... it didn't just bring tears to my eyes because it hurt, it also brought tears to my eyes because of emotion. Through the tears and emotion I blurted out, "TRY AGAIN! You can't grab things out of my hands! You hurt me!"
He was taken aback because he could tell my reaction wasn't normal. He asked me nice, I gave him the toothbrush then I rushed to my room. Your dad was there finishing up his shower and came out just in time for my outburst and the blur of my body rushing past him to go to my room away from all of it.
There I just broke down. My mind starting whirring around in circles with thoughts of complete despair. I can't do this! I can't raise this child! I can't raise these children! I am so tired of all the fights! All the exhaustion of NEVER being done! I am sick of doing dished and laundry all the time! I am so tired of kids never getting a long! Why can't I just have a bad day and have it not affect everyone else in the process!
I just went through all the reasons why I was DONE. I didn't want to do this motherhood thing anymore. It was one of those climax moments of insanity, but full of reality all at the same time. In the midst of my break down, Brent came in to me and just rubbed my head without saying a word. When I calmed down and got my emotions and thoughts under control, he simply said, "You are amazing. No one can do this but you. You are perfect for the job. Even when you have bad days."
In that moment, I didn't believe those words. But it was good to hear. Then I saw a timid little face peak around the corner looking at me from the hallway. My Elijah Boy. I saw him, made myself give a half hearted smile, and he came rushing to me with his snuggly, soft blanket wrapped around him. He looked at me with such remorse and whispered, "I'm really sorry I hurt you mom."
I gathered him up in my arms and hugged him and rocked him. My heart just burst open in love for this boy. I just imagined him, after I went momentarily insane, running to his room, wrapping himself up in his soft blanket, and trying to figure out in his little heart what had just happened. I told him I was sorry for my outburst and we just held each other for a bit. Then he leaned back and I smiled at him and said, "Let's try again. Let's start over. Let's say a prayer." He could feel my heart completely forgave him, opened myself up to him, and had turned to God together to find healing. Children are so responsive to pure love. Love with no other motive besides just forgiveness, accepting, repenting and moving forward together with Christ helping us.
I am so grateful for real life moments like these to remind me of my humanity. To help me empathize with others. To help me let down my walls, get my emotions out, and to try again. Take a deep breath and try again. And again. Just like I told my son, "Try again."... it is the same for me. Try again mom. It's okay, you will get it after a few tries. And it's okay. We are all children learning together how to walk on this road of life back home.
I try again another day. I breath in another day. Remind myself that there will be peace in my home as long as their is peace in my heart. I am realistic enough about my humanity to understand that this won't be the last time I will feel like giving up. And it won't be the last time that I will pick myself back up to "Try Again". But among all the trying, doing, completing, and living in this life are moments like those of that face looking at me around the corner and rushing to me with an open heart to consummate our love together once again.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
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