Brent and I are in a better space now than I can ever remember being in our marriage.
It is a breath of fresh air! It is a beautiful, wonderful thing. There are no pretenses about anything anymore, we can be pretty blunt with each other, but hopefully kind at the same time. We know each others quirks and things that trigger us about each other, but are capable of loving anyway.
What I have loved the last few months is how much we are working together in order to be better individuals. The 30 day meditation challenge has been a HUGE blessing. I'm so grateful that we followed through on that challenge and fulfilled it. It has changed our lives for the better in ways that I didn't even know it would .
When we first started it, in reality, it was for selfish reasons. It was because we wanted more success in our financial lives and we knew that we had to get to a different space mentally and emotionally because we kept producing more of the same results in our lives. We knew we had to push through to the next level.
But what has resulted has been amazing. We have had more patience with our children. We have had more ability to accomplish during the day. we have been blessed with more spiritual experiences. We have had higher cognitive ability and love for life in general. There are so many things that has been a result of that challenge, I can't believe the peace it has brought to our home.
I can especially see the difference when I have a few days without a good meditation session and I can feel the difference big time. I can feel it and see it.
it has also been fascinating to see how much Satan doesn't want us to succeed. He is attacking me with fears and doubts and anxieties like crazy... but I can see it for what it is. I know I want to continue on this path. I know the Lord wants us to continue on this path. This is right for us. It is beautiful and wonderful.
Next in line is "Acting In A Certain Way". We fasted today about that. We fasted for help as we embark on the next "Leveling Up" in our lives. We are going to review that process this week with a seminar we have been listening to, and then following through on the action for the next 30 days. That action is this: To write down the TOP 1-3 things that need to be accomplished the next day in order to follow on the path. The Top accomplishments for the day and only focus on them. Not get overwhelmed about how we are going "bridge the gap" between where we are now and where we want to be. Because it is a HUGE gap. But to have faith in this process that as we act in a certain way and give top priority to the things the spirit directs that we are bridging the gap and we are on our way there.
It is easy to have a lot of self doubt when we have so many dreams and goals and visions of our life... but we will do it. I know we will and we can. And I know we have to rely on the Lord the whole time. He gives us the breathe to breath in everyday in order to have any energy to do anything - so He's our partner inside of this whole thing.
Sunday, January 26, 2020
A Little About Joshua
Dear Joshua,
You poor thing! You have had a rough couple of days. You got sick with diarrhea for a day. I filled you up with a bunch of stuff to help you, then you got a cough, then you ended up getting diarrhea again (because you were starving and ate pizza and I think it was WAY to rich for your tummy to handle).
So tonight you are in your room sleeping away to the humidifier and have essential oils all over your body, after having a day of just being doctored to death by your mother!
But even when you are sick you are still so sweet. You are so kind, you always say "Thank You", you are aware of putting everything away where it belongs and you are always wanting to be involved. Your favorite word right now is "Huggle". You always come in our room in the morning and say, "I want to huggle with you." Perfect combination of snuggle and hugging :-). You are getting very independent and wanting to do everything on your own - to a fault and I have to swallow my pride and let you do "your thing" when I want to take over. That is a bigger challenge than I had any idea of as a mom!
Some things you are really into right now are Pirates music (you love to listen together with Elijah - you love to do anything with Elijah), Thomas the Train puzzles, pouring your own drinks, being involved in whatever is happening with your older siblings, but when you need alone time you isolate and just take a breather and play by yourself somewhere so quiet that I can't find you.
One of the greatest blessings that you have given to me is the reminder that every single one of my children came with their own unique talents, capabilities, personalities and challenges. Because of how fiery and spicy a couple of your siblings are, I thought for a while that I was doing something wrong in my parenting. But after you came, and you are a completely different personality, the spirit whispered to me, "Andrea - they just came that way. You are not doing anything wrong. You are doing such a great job as their mother."
Sometimes I forget that when I am in the thick of it all. When the days are really long but the weeks are really short. When I'm stuck in a constant conflict and emotionally drained from hard days. But you have been a gift because you remind me of just being peaceful and happy.
Thank you for helping me with that. You teach me all the time.
I love you sweet boy,
Your Mom
You poor thing! You have had a rough couple of days. You got sick with diarrhea for a day. I filled you up with a bunch of stuff to help you, then you got a cough, then you ended up getting diarrhea again (because you were starving and ate pizza and I think it was WAY to rich for your tummy to handle).
So tonight you are in your room sleeping away to the humidifier and have essential oils all over your body, after having a day of just being doctored to death by your mother!
Some things you are really into right now are Pirates music (you love to listen together with Elijah - you love to do anything with Elijah), Thomas the Train puzzles, pouring your own drinks, being involved in whatever is happening with your older siblings, but when you need alone time you isolate and just take a breather and play by yourself somewhere so quiet that I can't find you.
One of the greatest blessings that you have given to me is the reminder that every single one of my children came with their own unique talents, capabilities, personalities and challenges. Because of how fiery and spicy a couple of your siblings are, I thought for a while that I was doing something wrong in my parenting. But after you came, and you are a completely different personality, the spirit whispered to me, "Andrea - they just came that way. You are not doing anything wrong. You are doing such a great job as their mother."
Sometimes I forget that when I am in the thick of it all. When the days are really long but the weeks are really short. When I'm stuck in a constant conflict and emotionally drained from hard days. But you have been a gift because you remind me of just being peaceful and happy.
Thank you for helping me with that. You teach me all the time.
I love you sweet boy,
Your Mom
A Little About Elijah
Dear Elijah,
I was walking into church today and I went past your Sunday teacher while he was holding the door open for me. I told him, "Thank you so much for teaching my son." He just smiled really big and said, "I love Elijah! He is the best!"
You are the best buddy. I know that we but heads a lot of times - we don't eye to eye on a lot of things, but I hope that you know, no matter what, that I love you. Even when we disagree! Even when we don't see things the same way! Even when we are involved in a power struggle! I love you so much.
You are a talented boy. You are coordinated, you are gifted with sports, you are sharp, you are funny and making people laugh all the time, you are sensitive and trying to help, you aren't afraid to stand up to people when you think something unfair is happening around you. I love those things about you. Your strengths will always be amazing - and sometimes your greatest weaknesses as well.
But don't worry - that is how we all are. My strengths are definitely also my greatest weaknesses, that's for sure!
You will be being baptized this year. Your brain is starting to turn on with reading. You are trying to read more. I am grateful for your sake that we decided to homeschool because I know that sitting at a desk is NOT your cup of tea. You have to move and dance and sing and go crazy! You are such a tactile learner. I am constantly thinking of new things for you to do to keep up with you.
But I'm learning. The more I know, the more I realize that I don't know. That will be the same for you as well. There will come a time in life when your pride will come down and you will realize that you have a lot left to learn and that IT'S OKAY because we all do. Always remember you are a LION of the LORD! Your strength is to be used in righteous ways! And I believe in you!!
I love you,
Your Mom
I was walking into church today and I went past your Sunday teacher while he was holding the door open for me. I told him, "Thank you so much for teaching my son." He just smiled really big and said, "I love Elijah! He is the best!"
You are the best buddy. I know that we but heads a lot of times - we don't eye to eye on a lot of things, but I hope that you know, no matter what, that I love you. Even when we disagree! Even when we don't see things the same way! Even when we are involved in a power struggle! I love you so much.
But don't worry - that is how we all are. My strengths are definitely also my greatest weaknesses, that's for sure!
You will be being baptized this year. Your brain is starting to turn on with reading. You are trying to read more. I am grateful for your sake that we decided to homeschool because I know that sitting at a desk is NOT your cup of tea. You have to move and dance and sing and go crazy! You are such a tactile learner. I am constantly thinking of new things for you to do to keep up with you.
But I'm learning. The more I know, the more I realize that I don't know. That will be the same for you as well. There will come a time in life when your pride will come down and you will realize that you have a lot left to learn and that IT'S OKAY because we all do. Always remember you are a LION of the LORD! Your strength is to be used in righteous ways! And I believe in you!!
I love you,
Your Mom
Talia is a born performer
Dear Talia,
You are born for the stage. You have a gift for remembering music and songs just like Gabe has a gift for remembering everything he reads. I love seeing that within you.
As we were singing tonight, you were just ON! All the notes, all the words, all the dynamics. You feel music so deeply in your soul. We were made to perform. I wonder at all the things you cultivated in the pre-existence in order to be a performer and how to use it for the good.
I won't lie - Satan has hi-jacked the performance industry and it is full of a lot of filth and ugliness and immorality. Part of my heart is a little scared to have you be a part of it. But I don't want to be ruled by fear either. I have to trust that we can steer you in the right direction with your talents and skills. You have so many natural talents and skills. So many, sometimes it overwhelms me.
It will be something that we will have to consult with the spirit on all the time. You have a dead gorgeous voice, you are a natural dancer, your musician skills are amazing. I think you just need to be involved in music with everything that you do all the time.
I hope you know how much I love you. I love all of that about you - but I also love that you are a good friend, that you are sharp as a tack, that you are responsible, that you love to cook, that you love to have fun with your friends and family, that you are always aware and helping those around you, that you are constantly on top of the schedule and know exactly what's happening next.
Thank you for teaching me and loving me. I love you so much,
Your Mom
You are born for the stage. You have a gift for remembering music and songs just like Gabe has a gift for remembering everything he reads. I love seeing that within you.
As we were singing tonight, you were just ON! All the notes, all the words, all the dynamics. You feel music so deeply in your soul. We were made to perform. I wonder at all the things you cultivated in the pre-existence in order to be a performer and how to use it for the good.
I won't lie - Satan has hi-jacked the performance industry and it is full of a lot of filth and ugliness and immorality. Part of my heart is a little scared to have you be a part of it. But I don't want to be ruled by fear either. I have to trust that we can steer you in the right direction with your talents and skills. You have so many natural talents and skills. So many, sometimes it overwhelms me.
I hope you know how much I love you. I love all of that about you - but I also love that you are a good friend, that you are sharp as a tack, that you are responsible, that you love to cook, that you love to have fun with your friends and family, that you are always aware and helping those around you, that you are constantly on top of the schedule and know exactly what's happening next.
Thank you for teaching me and loving me. I love you so much,
Your Mom
Gabe's Ordination Interview
Dear Gabriel,
It is now a new year. I can't believe it is 2020. Can you believe it?
You are going to be 12 years old this year. You are going to be ordained in just a couple of weeks. Today you have your Bishop's interview for ordination. Your dad went with you. In the interview the Bishop asked you if you were honest.
You put your head down and said, "No. I'm not honest all the time. I sneak screens sometimes and I sneak sugar sometimes." Then the Bishop asked you if you felt you were worthy to receive the priesthood. You put your head down again and said, "No. Sometimes I yell at my brother and sister and I let anger take over."
The Bishop then turned to dad and asked him if he thought you were ready for ordination to the priesthood. He immediately said, "Yes! He is ready!"
The Bishop then talked to you about Jesus. That we all make mistakes and Jesus makes up the difference and we try to be a little better everyday. After talking with the Bishop a little bit more, dad said the Bishop asked you again if you felt like you were ready, and you lifted your head and said, "Yes! Yes I am."
My heart feels so tender for you. You have ALWAYS been acutely aware of your behavior and you have always had a very high consciousness of yourself. I love that about you. I love that you were honest TO A FAULT. I love that you are willing to admit your mistakes. I love that about you.
But - I hope you will always turn to your Savior and you will learn to hold your head HIGH! You can hold your head high EVEN THOUGH you make mistakes. We all can!
Your weakness will always be within being a little too hard on yourself. That comes with being the oldest child. But that is one of your greatest strengths as well, is how honest you are inside of your behavior. Thank you for setting an example to me everyday of how much you value being honest to a fault. Because you are! Even if you sneak - I still know you will tell me the truth when you do. The spirit within you keeps you on the right path.
May you always be so sensitive to that. I hope your whole life that you will be sensitive like that in your soul. It will serve you well.
Thank you for being my son. I love you,
Your Mom
It is now a new year. I can't believe it is 2020. Can you believe it?
You are going to be 12 years old this year. You are going to be ordained in just a couple of weeks. Today you have your Bishop's interview for ordination. Your dad went with you. In the interview the Bishop asked you if you were honest.
You put your head down and said, "No. I'm not honest all the time. I sneak screens sometimes and I sneak sugar sometimes." Then the Bishop asked you if you felt you were worthy to receive the priesthood. You put your head down again and said, "No. Sometimes I yell at my brother and sister and I let anger take over."
The Bishop then turned to dad and asked him if he thought you were ready for ordination to the priesthood. He immediately said, "Yes! He is ready!"
The Bishop then talked to you about Jesus. That we all make mistakes and Jesus makes up the difference and we try to be a little better everyday. After talking with the Bishop a little bit more, dad said the Bishop asked you again if you felt like you were ready, and you lifted your head and said, "Yes! Yes I am."
My heart feels so tender for you. You have ALWAYS been acutely aware of your behavior and you have always had a very high consciousness of yourself. I love that about you. I love that you were honest TO A FAULT. I love that you are willing to admit your mistakes. I love that about you.
But - I hope you will always turn to your Savior and you will learn to hold your head HIGH! You can hold your head high EVEN THOUGH you make mistakes. We all can!
May you always be so sensitive to that. I hope your whole life that you will be sensitive like that in your soul. It will serve you well.
Thank you for being my son. I love you,
Your Mom
Musings From A Sunday Night
Dear Kids,
Tonight we ended up singing out hearts out to a bunch of Disney and Broadway songs as our Sunday night activity. I just sat there watching you the whole time, dancing and singing away, hoping that you would remember all the fun we have had as a family while you are growing up.
Everyone's "hard" looks different as you grow up and get into adulthood. We all have different packages of difficult and different trials that are tailor made for us.
But I can't help wondering about how much of our packages aren't necessarily tailor made by God, but more tailor made by US. I don't think we have any idea how powerful we are inside of the reality of "Being an agent that acts instead of being acted upon".
More and more science is finally catching up to what religious and eastern philosophies have known for a long time. That is - the whole person is a creator. We create within ourselves. Disease is that body not at ease.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for all the advancements in our modern day. The western way of doing medicine has grateful affected my life, just like everyone else's life. Elijah and I would not be here if it wasn't for the western way of doing medicine and handling emergencies so seamlessly well.
BUT - So much we have given our power over to experts instead of taking our power back as a human and say to ourselves, "If there is something showing up in my body, I have to be very self honest and allow myself to dig down deep and realize what I have to get rooted from my own soul in order to be healthy emotionally and spiritually, then it affects my physical body."
My mind has been on this so much. So much. How much of what we experience is not necessarily something given to us by God, but more something we create within ourselves? How much we experience has everything to do with natural consequence of the state of being we hold within ourselves, within our relationships, within our bodies? I have been thinking about it SO MUCH.
One of the big reasons for thinking about this is for me personally. So I can recognize when I am allowing myself to become trapped in a disease cycle. The other reason is for helping to heal others, since that is one of my gifts. The other is because of diving into really the power of the divine.
I was telling your dad the other day I really believe the biggest challenge of life is coming to the place of realizing how powerful we actually are, how much we create our own lives - but knowing that we couldn't take a breath without God and Jesus and His atoning power. We are all powerful - but only because of them giving us that ability. So it's easy to shy away from our God given power. Or it's easy to dive right into it, and then forget God.
We have also seen so many good friends who have gone so much into the philosophy of understanding the unseen power all around us (like I said, now science has finally caught up with being able to prove what spiritual humans have known for centuries) that they forget God. They forget Jesus Christ and that it is only because of Him that we have the creation power at all.
Circling back, I think about all these things while I'm watching you sing and dance and play. How much we adults try to remember what it's like to be a child. The innocence, the magnificence and power of being in the "now" that comes to naturally to children. To you. I get to watch that inside of you. I get to watch you as you grow. Gabriel is starting to grow out of it now. I love it, and I'm sad to see his little boy go, knowing that it will be gone forever.
One reason God loves little children so much is because that is, as far as we know through modern revelation, the ONLY time in our entire eternity of living, that we get to be a little child. That is sobering to think about. I hope I am learning from you the way the Lord would have me learn from you. To dance and sing and play. I can do that more. Sometimes, I get too involved in my adulthood that I forget to enjoy and embrace your youth.
I'm better though. I'm better than I was years ago.
Thank you for teaching me. I hope you remember the good times we have as a family. I especially hope you remember it so that you can rely on that happiness while you are figuring yourselves out as adults. I always had a safe home to go home to. Always. I want that for you as well... for you to always have a safe home to come to.
I love you,
Your Mom
Tonight we ended up singing out hearts out to a bunch of Disney and Broadway songs as our Sunday night activity. I just sat there watching you the whole time, dancing and singing away, hoping that you would remember all the fun we have had as a family while you are growing up.
Everyone's "hard" looks different as you grow up and get into adulthood. We all have different packages of difficult and different trials that are tailor made for us.
But I can't help wondering about how much of our packages aren't necessarily tailor made by God, but more tailor made by US. I don't think we have any idea how powerful we are inside of the reality of "Being an agent that acts instead of being acted upon".
More and more science is finally catching up to what religious and eastern philosophies have known for a long time. That is - the whole person is a creator. We create within ourselves. Disease is that body not at ease.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for all the advancements in our modern day. The western way of doing medicine has grateful affected my life, just like everyone else's life. Elijah and I would not be here if it wasn't for the western way of doing medicine and handling emergencies so seamlessly well.
BUT - So much we have given our power over to experts instead of taking our power back as a human and say to ourselves, "If there is something showing up in my body, I have to be very self honest and allow myself to dig down deep and realize what I have to get rooted from my own soul in order to be healthy emotionally and spiritually, then it affects my physical body."
My mind has been on this so much. So much. How much of what we experience is not necessarily something given to us by God, but more something we create within ourselves? How much we experience has everything to do with natural consequence of the state of being we hold within ourselves, within our relationships, within our bodies? I have been thinking about it SO MUCH.
One of the big reasons for thinking about this is for me personally. So I can recognize when I am allowing myself to become trapped in a disease cycle. The other reason is for helping to heal others, since that is one of my gifts. The other is because of diving into really the power of the divine.
I was telling your dad the other day I really believe the biggest challenge of life is coming to the place of realizing how powerful we actually are, how much we create our own lives - but knowing that we couldn't take a breath without God and Jesus and His atoning power. We are all powerful - but only because of them giving us that ability. So it's easy to shy away from our God given power. Or it's easy to dive right into it, and then forget God.
We have also seen so many good friends who have gone so much into the philosophy of understanding the unseen power all around us (like I said, now science has finally caught up with being able to prove what spiritual humans have known for centuries) that they forget God. They forget Jesus Christ and that it is only because of Him that we have the creation power at all.
Circling back, I think about all these things while I'm watching you sing and dance and play. How much we adults try to remember what it's like to be a child. The innocence, the magnificence and power of being in the "now" that comes to naturally to children. To you. I get to watch that inside of you. I get to watch you as you grow. Gabriel is starting to grow out of it now. I love it, and I'm sad to see his little boy go, knowing that it will be gone forever.
One reason God loves little children so much is because that is, as far as we know through modern revelation, the ONLY time in our entire eternity of living, that we get to be a little child. That is sobering to think about. I hope I am learning from you the way the Lord would have me learn from you. To dance and sing and play. I can do that more. Sometimes, I get too involved in my adulthood that I forget to enjoy and embrace your youth.
I'm better though. I'm better than I was years ago.
Thank you for teaching me. I hope you remember the good times we have as a family. I especially hope you remember it so that you can rely on that happiness while you are figuring yourselves out as adults. I always had a safe home to go home to. Always. I want that for you as well... for you to always have a safe home to come to.
I love you,
Your Mom
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Capabilities Expanding
Dear Kids,
I have been really attracted/moved to people who are changing the world in some way. Tim Ballard, Glenn Beck, business advisors, Coco, Burton... And I easily could make their passion for what they are working on, my own passion.
But recently I have been hit by the spirit by this thought, "Andrea, their way of changing the world is beautiful and wonderful, but it's not necessarily your way of changing the world. You have your own way of changing the world. You don't need to stay updated on how they are doing their part so much. You need to go inside of your heart and soul and spirit more to connect with God so your own part will be revealed."
The way that my part of changing the world will be revealed is yet to be seen (besides the fact that I have amazing kids), but what I do know is that I am acting in a certain way in order for it to come about. I am living intentionally - I don't remember living this intentionally since my mission and preparing to go out and serve the people of Russia. I was intent and completely focused on going out on that mission.
Now, I am living a totally different life inside of my motherhood beauty and chaos - and I am being drawn to prepare for more of my life's mission again - but broader. And the Lord is moving me to prepare for it in the same type of ways that I prepared to go to Russia. I am being moved upon by the spirit with intent and consistency. I am being moved upon by the spirit with new thoughts and ideas all the time. I am moving my soul in so many directions.
I wish I could describe the way that I have been affected in the last couple of months. It is astounding.
More to come. Just know as I am being prepared to fulfill more of my life's mission, that top on Heavenly Father's priority list is to keep my heart with my family and children. The more I am feeling mission driven, the more drawn to my home and my kids I become - all the while having my capabilities expanded.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
This is a post I recently shared in a group who are working on getting ready for conference:
I have been really attracted/moved to people who are changing the world in some way. Tim Ballard, Glenn Beck, business advisors, Coco, Burton... And I easily could make their passion for what they are working on, my own passion.
But recently I have been hit by the spirit by this thought, "Andrea, their way of changing the world is beautiful and wonderful, but it's not necessarily your way of changing the world. You have your own way of changing the world. You don't need to stay updated on how they are doing their part so much. You need to go inside of your heart and soul and spirit more to connect with God so your own part will be revealed."
The way that my part of changing the world will be revealed is yet to be seen (besides the fact that I have amazing kids), but what I do know is that I am acting in a certain way in order for it to come about. I am living intentionally - I don't remember living this intentionally since my mission and preparing to go out and serve the people of Russia. I was intent and completely focused on going out on that mission.
Now, I am living a totally different life inside of my motherhood beauty and chaos - and I am being drawn to prepare for more of my life's mission again - but broader. And the Lord is moving me to prepare for it in the same type of ways that I prepared to go to Russia. I am being moved upon by the spirit with intent and consistency. I am being moved upon by the spirit with new thoughts and ideas all the time. I am moving my soul in so many directions.
I wish I could describe the way that I have been affected in the last couple of months. It is astounding.
More to come. Just know as I am being prepared to fulfill more of my life's mission, that top on Heavenly Father's priority list is to keep my heart with my family and children. The more I am feeling mission driven, the more drawn to my home and my kids I become - all the while having my capabilities expanded.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
This is a post I recently shared in a group who are working on getting ready for conference:
Thank you for the scriptures leading up to conference. I love just knowing there are plenty of other people out there REALLY preparing themselves as our prophet has asked us to do.
I wanted to share something that the Holy Ghost told me personally to do to prepare for this upcoming conference.
I was challenged by the spirit to "re-write" every talk from conference as if the speaker was talking to me directly, in a conversation, and not generally to the church, and cross referencing all the scriptures that were used in the talks and "re-phrase" those scriptures to be adjusted to me personally in my life as well. This is a practice I have done with the scriptures for quite a while, but I've never done it with conference talks before.
There have been SO MANY insights I have personally gained from this practice. Just the other day I reached the talk that President Nelson gave to us in the Women's meeting. I LOVE that talk so much. Here are some affirmations I gained from the talk I wanted to share:
-I have access to ALL spiritual blessings
-I have access to ALL spiritual treasures
-I have direct access to the power of God
-The heavens are constantly open to me because of the endowment of priesthood power given me in my covenants
-I have God's power flowing to me constantly
-I have the right to draw liberally on the Savior's power
-I am spiritually invigorated EVERYDAY
-The Holy Ghost is my personal tutor and mentor
-I examine my life meticulously and regularly
-I am called to prepare my people
-My ability is constantly increasing
-I have access to ALL spiritual treasures
-I have direct access to the power of God
-The heavens are constantly open to me because of the endowment of priesthood power given me in my covenants
-I have God's power flowing to me constantly
-I have the right to draw liberally on the Savior's power
-I am spiritually invigorated EVERYDAY
-The Holy Ghost is my personal tutor and mentor
-I examine my life meticulously and regularly
-I am called to prepare my people
-My ability is constantly increasing
I love knowing these affirmations are directly said from the prophet of God and when I say these affirmations everyday, the spirit is more directly involved with me as I open my eye of faith to what the Lord has for me and my family.
I'm excited about conference! I can't wait!
Monday, January 13, 2020
Update on Auntie Shayla
Dear Kids,
Today, my thoughts are with my sister, your Auntie Shayla.
She found out that she has more cancer in her lungs and the cancer in her leg is not gone. She is going to have to do more chemo and more treatments. And she's super frustrated... rightly so.
When she sent the message on Marco Polo to let all the family know what's happening, my heart just dropped. She's been amazingly resilient through all of this and so positive. She's fighting for her life, literally, right now.
It's another reality check about how fragile life is. It's so fragile. There's so much time here, but then there's not enough. She has so much left to do with her life. So much left. She has babies to raise. She has a husband to love on. She has a life to contribute her talents to. She has so much inside of her to share and help people with. I'm so proud of her. I can't even say how amazed I am with her.
All day long my energy has been thinking about her, and just can't even wrap my head around what she is experiencing right now. The frustration, the anger, the worry, the grief, the road ahead, the obstacles, the "what-if" questions and thoughts... all of it.
It is just a heavy day. It's heavy to think about the "what-if's". What if she recovers... what does her life look like with recovery? What if she doesn't? What if she keeps going up and down? What if her kids need more help than they are getting from their mom?
All of those questions can drive a person crazy, that's for sure. There are plenty of What If's. I know she has wrestled with all of them.
I don't know why some people get sick. I don't know why some people get better, and some people get worse. I don't know so many things.
But I know this. I trust God. I trust Him to know her plan. I trust Him to know her life and her family. I trust Him to know what this is going to look like for them, for her kids, for her husband. I trust Him to know. And I trust Him in if she gets to stay on earth for longer... and I trust Him if she gets taken back home to Him. I trust Him in all of it.
Doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it without anquish and pain. But I know I trust Him more than I fear the realities of this telestial world.
I know our lives have so much left inside of them. I have no idea what the future holds for us and everyone in our family. I know I do my best to work with the capacities that God has given to me of creation and ability. But I ultimately know that I depend on God for every breath and every movement of my body. This world is a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. But the reality of the day-in-day-out enticements and trials that come are so painful, so many times.
But I do know that I trust God. I trust God in the healing and I trust Him in the "But if not" situations as well.
I love you kids. Oh, there is so much more life left to live and so many more experiences to have together. I hope you know that through it all, I love you all.
Your Mom
Today, my thoughts are with my sister, your Auntie Shayla.
She found out that she has more cancer in her lungs and the cancer in her leg is not gone. She is going to have to do more chemo and more treatments. And she's super frustrated... rightly so.
When she sent the message on Marco Polo to let all the family know what's happening, my heart just dropped. She's been amazingly resilient through all of this and so positive. She's fighting for her life, literally, right now.
It's another reality check about how fragile life is. It's so fragile. There's so much time here, but then there's not enough. She has so much left to do with her life. So much left. She has babies to raise. She has a husband to love on. She has a life to contribute her talents to. She has so much inside of her to share and help people with. I'm so proud of her. I can't even say how amazed I am with her.
All day long my energy has been thinking about her, and just can't even wrap my head around what she is experiencing right now. The frustration, the anger, the worry, the grief, the road ahead, the obstacles, the "what-if" questions and thoughts... all of it.
It is just a heavy day. It's heavy to think about the "what-if's". What if she recovers... what does her life look like with recovery? What if she doesn't? What if she keeps going up and down? What if her kids need more help than they are getting from their mom?
All of those questions can drive a person crazy, that's for sure. There are plenty of What If's. I know she has wrestled with all of them.
I don't know why some people get sick. I don't know why some people get better, and some people get worse. I don't know so many things.
But I know this. I trust God. I trust Him to know her plan. I trust Him to know her life and her family. I trust Him to know what this is going to look like for them, for her kids, for her husband. I trust Him to know. And I trust Him in if she gets to stay on earth for longer... and I trust Him if she gets taken back home to Him. I trust Him in all of it.
Doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it without anquish and pain. But I know I trust Him more than I fear the realities of this telestial world.
I know our lives have so much left inside of them. I have no idea what the future holds for us and everyone in our family. I know I do my best to work with the capacities that God has given to me of creation and ability. But I ultimately know that I depend on God for every breath and every movement of my body. This world is a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. But the reality of the day-in-day-out enticements and trials that come are so painful, so many times.
But I do know that I trust God. I trust God in the healing and I trust Him in the "But if not" situations as well.
I love you kids. Oh, there is so much more life left to live and so many more experiences to have together. I hope you know that through it all, I love you all.
Your Mom
Friday, January 3, 2020
30 Days of Meditation
Dear Kids,
Your dad and I just finished a goal of meditating everyday for 30 days in a row. We decided to start on December 1st and end on December 30th.
Through the Christmas season - it was a crazy time of year to do it but I knew that we had to be dedicated to it. It was almost more of a challenge to say we were able to do it through Christmas time than any other time.
The inspiration actually came from your dad. He felt like we needed to have more of a 10,000 foot focus on our lives and how we are doing things, which I couldn't agree more. We have needed that for a while. And turning inward was a perfect way to get it done.
I LOVED this challenge. It's actually hard to put into words the type of spiritual experiences we were both able to have because of doing it. Inner focus and inside work is the most radical thing a person can ever do, I will say that for the rest of my life. As I turned inside and gave my soul spaces more attention, I was amazed at how much more space for everything was able to happen.
I had more space for patience with my kids. I had more space for ideas in my mind. I had more space for spirituality. I had more space for the Holy Ghost to talk to me. I had more space for interrupting negative thought patterns and focusing on better ones. I had more space for noticing my fears and working on those thought patterns as well.
But, something else that was interesting was to notice all the different ways my soul needs to be fed. Admittedly, during this time, I had a lot of meditation/eye-of-faith/pondering/prayer time - but I didn't make as much time for scripture study and getting into the word of God. After a few weeks of that, I could notice a difference. My spirit wasn't hungry, but I was a bit malnourished - as if I had only be eating one thing for a meal everyday instead of giving variety to my spiritual diet.
I studied last night and didn't get to my meditation/prayer time as well, but that was okay because I just kept reading and reading. My soul was hungry for it. There is a reason in the scriptures it talks about prayer, word of God, pondering, fasting and all the different tools to use for spiritual nourishment. They all give your spirit different things - just like vegetables give your body different nutrients compared to fish or healthy fats.
Getting more specifically in tune with my spirit and what my spirit needs for nourishment - fine tuning all of that nourishment - is a fascinating journey and experience. I loved doing it and will keep doing it.
I love you kids. Keep doing your inside work for your entire lives.
Love,
Your Mom
Your dad and I just finished a goal of meditating everyday for 30 days in a row. We decided to start on December 1st and end on December 30th.
Through the Christmas season - it was a crazy time of year to do it but I knew that we had to be dedicated to it. It was almost more of a challenge to say we were able to do it through Christmas time than any other time.
The inspiration actually came from your dad. He felt like we needed to have more of a 10,000 foot focus on our lives and how we are doing things, which I couldn't agree more. We have needed that for a while. And turning inward was a perfect way to get it done.
I LOVED this challenge. It's actually hard to put into words the type of spiritual experiences we were both able to have because of doing it. Inner focus and inside work is the most radical thing a person can ever do, I will say that for the rest of my life. As I turned inside and gave my soul spaces more attention, I was amazed at how much more space for everything was able to happen.
I had more space for patience with my kids. I had more space for ideas in my mind. I had more space for spirituality. I had more space for the Holy Ghost to talk to me. I had more space for interrupting negative thought patterns and focusing on better ones. I had more space for noticing my fears and working on those thought patterns as well.
But, something else that was interesting was to notice all the different ways my soul needs to be fed. Admittedly, during this time, I had a lot of meditation/eye-of-faith/pondering/prayer time - but I didn't make as much time for scripture study and getting into the word of God. After a few weeks of that, I could notice a difference. My spirit wasn't hungry, but I was a bit malnourished - as if I had only be eating one thing for a meal everyday instead of giving variety to my spiritual diet.
I studied last night and didn't get to my meditation/prayer time as well, but that was okay because I just kept reading and reading. My soul was hungry for it. There is a reason in the scriptures it talks about prayer, word of God, pondering, fasting and all the different tools to use for spiritual nourishment. They all give your spirit different things - just like vegetables give your body different nutrients compared to fish or healthy fats.
Getting more specifically in tune with my spirit and what my spirit needs for nourishment - fine tuning all of that nourishment - is a fascinating journey and experience. I loved doing it and will keep doing it.
I love you kids. Keep doing your inside work for your entire lives.
Love,
Your Mom
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