Seeing Colleen With Gabe

Dear Kids,

Gabe and I just got back from a trip to go see Colleen, your adopted aunt. I love her so much! I met her in college, when we lived by each other. Then we went to Chicago with the inner city youth camp, and then we moved to St. George together and lived together until I got married to your dad.

Colleen and I have been through a lot together. She has taught me so much, and continues to teach me so much. We learned together how to communicate, how to be open and vulnerable, how to support and be as a family. She taught me about getting to the root of issues, processing my feelings, going through situations and evaluating them so we can understand people and circumstances better. So much of my communication ability is because of Colleen! I credit her so much with teaching me about how to get into my heart, how to get into my pain, address it and do my inside therapy with God.

It was so wonderful to be with her, especially together with Gabe. It was refreshing to travel together with ONE child. I got to just be together with JUST Gabe. That hasn't happened since he was 18 months old when Talia was born! I loved having the quality time with him, and watching him, just being with him. It was refreshing to have NO interruptions when he wanted to talk to me, and just be with me. I loved it! It definitely needs to be part of our culture to have one on one time with each of you in a traveling situation like that for a couple of days. It enriched our relationship just being together.

It was also completely rejuvenating because I had NO ONE touching me for four days. I didn't realize how much that replenished my ability to touch each of you until getting home. I have so much more touch energy for all of you! It helped me so much to have days on end with no one touching me. Gabe would snuggle with me, but then he'd be doing something else. It was so rejuvenating. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling and touching each of you - but sometimes I just run out of touches! I don't have any more touch energy at the end of the day sometimes!

Another thing was watching Colleen and just her ability to "be" with the kids around her and accept them just as they are. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything there is to do as a mother (which is not bad - it just overwhelms me sometimes), that I forget to just "be" and watch you and enjoy you exactly as you are. She reminds me all the time about how to do that. She helps me to look at you all with such different eyes. She has all the energy in the world to give to kids around her - granted I know that is because she doesn't have any right now - but it is just a good reminder for me.

Her daughter Kessa was there as well. She placed Kessa for adoption when Colleen was 19 years old. I admire her decision to do that so much. Colleen then got permission from the First Presidency to go on a mission. Kessa is now 21 years old. Crazy it was that long ago! Colleen and I have known each other for 17 years! Kessa wanted to have a change of scenery and life, so she asked Colleen to come stay with her for a few months. I know it is helping Kessa to be around Colleen as well. And it's helping Colleen with so many aspects of wanting to have a family. She's realizing how much she would have to give to kids around her when she gets married. It's a LOT of energy output to be a mom. A LOT. It's just part of the job description. And it's all worth it.

After getting home from the trip that last couple of days I have been so much more at peace with the rhythm of the day together with you. So much more capable to go with your flow as children - which I know is because of being with Colleen. I want to flow with you as children - but also keep in mind that I am your mentor as well. Sometimes every child has the tendency to be lazy - it's part of life. There are many times when I have to push you to get things done, and that's appropriate as well. It's part of my job. But my patience level with you has increased BIG TIME since getting home. I'm so grateful for the reset. I needed it badly.

I love you kids. I love you so much. Thank you for being my children,

Your Mom