My Kids Need More Of Me

 Dear Kids, 

There is something happening inside of me. 

I am sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm going to be 44 years old. CRAZY RIGHT? How did that happen so fast? 44 years old... 

But what is happening inside of me is that I am going through some major transition. I feel like I have to re-evaluate everything in my life right now. My soul is yearning for something different. There is a part of me that needs to be developed that I can't quite figure out. 

I have been putting on homeschooling mom retreats for about the last 5 years. I have one that is coming up this weekend that I am in charge of. I really have loved doing it, but I can tell I am getting burnt out. It is something that I am really good at, especially because of my working background. But the energy I have for this one is really waning a lot. I can tell that I need to step back and take a break from a lot of things. 

Of course I always say that, then I take a break, then I start to feel really good, then I add more things on my plate again, and then I feel like I need to step back, and then I cut things out of my schedule, and then I feel good and then... you get the cycle. It is something that I have done my whole life. 

But this time the way I am feeling is a little different. There is something that I need to do. There are talents and spiritual gifts that need refining and I don't even know where to start with it, besides giving myself space to do it. 

I know part of what I'm feeling is that my oldest kids are now getting old enough that they need to start developing their passions. Gabe - you need to start to develop into the young man that you want to be. Right now, currently, you came bouncing into my bedroom and started giggling. I LOVE your giggle SO MUCH. I love how you laugh and your happiness and how much positivity you find in life. I want all of my kids to have that ability! You are so good at it. But I have also been feeling like you are going to be developing into a young man and it's time for you to sink your teeth into your passions, and it's new ground for all of us. I hope I can find the right mentors for you!

But, even with the changes in all the kids, there is something inside of me that needs to develop more. I am no longer 25 years old. I have age and life experience behind me now in a way that I never have before. There is a lot for me to give. There are a lot of people for me to touch. But I know that I am still in my developing stage before really getting out there because I still have kids to raise. I have young kids that still really need me. That is the part of me that I really feel like I need to cut back. 

My kids need more of ME. Not me "trying" to keep a schedule. Not me trying to keep up with projects. YOU ALL need more of me. 

Elijah the other day told me, "Mom you are always too busy!"

It surprised me because I am with all of you ALL day long. But in a way there is an aspect of that in which your love buckets are still empty because I'm always telling you to do something, or complete something, or work on something, or task chart, or chores, or practicing, or taking you to lessons, or... you get the picture. There is always something else we are moving onto, when in reality you need more of ME. 

That's exactly what I'm feeling. You need more of ME before all of a sudden we are 10 more years down the road. 

I'm working on it. 

I love you so much. I think this upcoming school year, the theme needs to be that you all need more of me. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Hard Mom Day & Humanity

 Dear Kids, 

Today was a REALLY hard mom day. Super hard actually. 

There are so many times that I *think* that I have gotten past anger reactions, and then they creep back up again. 

Today it happened with both Elijah and Talia. 

Lately everything that I say to Talia she has been fighting me on all of it. ALL OF IT. No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, no matter what my intention is, she is constantly fighting me. 

Example: She has been carrying her wallet around in her small backpack and she has been keeping ALL of her cash in it from babysitting. I suggested on our way back from the gas station that she might want to keep only $20-$30 in her wallet at a time and then put the rest in a jar for savings so that way if something happens to her wallet, all of her cash won't be gone. 

You would have thought that I had told her the world was crashing down because she got really frustrated and really mad at me for even suggesting it. My intentions were very good, I was just caring about her and didn't want her to lose money. But she got SO UPSET. This has happened A LOT in the past couple of weeks, that she is getting mad at me for everything. 

And I snapped at her. 

The snap came out again. 

Sometimes I don't even know where the snap comes from. I was actually feeling really good, but I just snapped. It was like the last straw. I had handled all her push back and all the arguing like a champ for the last little while and there was just something inside of me that didn't want to be nice about it anymore. 

And I came unglued a little bit and yelled at her. I just yelled about how no matter what I say and no matter how I say it, she is just mad at me. I told her that I was just trying to help her and no matter what I do, she gets mad at me. 

Well, then she get really frustrated back and she just yelled and said, "It's because everything you say, it feels like you are trying to control me!"

I had to sit with that one a little bit. I have been pondering about that response all day since it happened actually. Is my motivation control? Truly in my heart? Am I trying to tell her what to do to control her or because I truly care in my heart?

And in reality I have to admit to myself that it's about 50/50. Half of the time it is actually about control and she energetically feels that from me. The other half of the time it isn't about control at all, it is from a place of true caring. But she energetically feels a lot. 

I apologized about yelling and she set her jaw at me and left. Oh boy, I thought, here comes the teenage emotions... when she's only 10 years old. She is very strong willed, which I appreciate, but there are several parenting tactics that I really feel like I have to change and go into warping a bit. I was telling Brent that I feel like I have the parenting for eight years old and younger down pat... but now that we are entering the tween/teen stage, there are going to be difference expectations. There are going to be different situations and my tactics have to change with them. 

I need to learn how to be a parent of older kids instead of younger kids. And it feels like I have to start all over. 

Elijah has been pushing me all day today as well. He is getting mad at EVERYTHING. I tried to make cookies with him the other day, and he was just getting mad about everything I was doing, so I told him that I couldn't make cookies with him anymore. Then today he just said, "Then because of YOU I couldn't make cookies!" And I reminded that that it was his choices of disrespect that caused that, and he stormed off to his room and just screamed and yelled about how mad he was at me because of that. 

Sheesh. Seriously. I remember my mother crying about a lot of things, that she was doing her best and no matter what she did it wasn't right or good enough. I know exactly how she feels now. 

This parenting gig is hard. Really hard. 

But kids, you have to remember one thing - I am doing all of this because I love you. I am home with you all the time because I WANT to be around you. I WANT to be the one raising you. I WANT to be the one there for the conflict and for the joyous times. I WANT to be the one who is mentoring you. I WANT all of it, but it includes a lot of pain and frustration. And you get to see my human side more than anyone else because of it. 

And I will keep asking you, your whole lives, that you are going to have to forgive my humanity. I am VERY human and I make human mistakes - like yelling and getting frustrated when I have hit my last straw with your behaviors. 

Then I straighten up my crown as a daughter of God, and I start over again. I apologize and I try to be better everyday. 

I hope you all know that - I truly try to be better every single day. 

Thank you for loving me through this parenting journey. Thank you for working with me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being my mentors inside of all the mirrors of my soul. You push me to the extreme edges of my emotions all the time, but in reality, this is the way that we all gain self mastery - with each other. 

And then turning to Jesus in order to help us to make it through it all. I turn to Jesus everyday, all the time, especially inside of all the mistakes I make. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

The Journals Are Working!

 Dear Kids, 

The other night I had a powerful reminder of how important it is to keep writing down the stories of our lives. I had a reward moment as a mom!

We had Jeff, Julie and Jace in town and we were doing a camp fire together with them and roasting hot dogs. I'm not sure even how it happened, but Gabriel found the journal entries from 2009-2013 that we printed and put into a spiral bound book. 

He started reading them. He started laughing and crying a bit. He started asking me, "Mom... do you remember when...?" There were several thing he read that I had a VERY vivid memory of when it happened, and when I wrote it down. It was a reward moment as a mother! It reminded me that YES, everything I'm keeping track of, all these stories I'm writing down ARE making a difference and they will keep making a difference... and the spirit essentially SCREAMED in my ear, "Andrea... DON'T STOP! Keep writing! Keep telling the stories of your life! They are powerful and they are something to be learned from!"

So here I am, making sure to get back onto a more consistent path of writing down my stories again. I also think because of Shayla passing away that it has become more vivid for me as well. I think of what a treasure all of this would be for all of you if something happened to me or to dad. All the stories of our family and what an amazing life we have all together! All the little moments, all the messiness, all the beauty, all the trials, all the hardship, all the conflict, all the laughter, all the small moments and big moments... everything about our life is something to be proud of. Everything that we have together that we learn from. All the emotions that we feel about it all and what it means for us as we are creating our lives and creating the very cells of our bodies. 

Yes it is an amazing thing. 

So I'll keep on writing and keeping track of those things. I'll keep doing it because God told me too, and because eventually it will be a gift for many people. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Shayla's Funeral & Burial

 Dear Kids, 

Wow, a lot has happened since the last post. 

Shayla passed away on February 15, 2021. Which was a Monday. 

My dad called me and said that she passed away at about 3am, in Casey's arms. She was having a lot of seizures the Friday before she passed away. She was suffering A LOT. The funeral was a whirlwind. The viewing was on Wednesday night the 17th. The funeral was the 18th (Both of those in Boise). Then the burial was on the 19th in Bear Lake, Idaho. She is buried in a plot by Casey's parents house, one of their family plots. 

I just don't even know where to begin. 

The relief I felt when I knew she had passed away was immense. Dad (Papa) called me at about 6:30am. Casey called him just a few minutes after she passed away and he wanted to wait to call everyone so we could sleep longer. I cried more the Friday before she passed away when I knew she was having all those tumors, then I cried when I found out she had passed away. There was a peace that came, and I felt her presence constantly throughout the week. 

Mesha, Jonathan and Kalea all felt her a lot. I am sure her kids felt her constantly as well. Looking back on it, it's hard to describe the feelings. It was full of relief she was out of suffering, but also pain knowing she wasn't walking the same plane with us anymore. We made a mad rush to make it to the funeral and all the proceedings. Looking back on it now, it's really a whirlwind. And I don't know if it would do any good to do a travel log about it. 

There are a few things I want to remember about it though that I felt deeply in my heart. 

The first is when we were traveling up to the funeral. I remember getting everything packed up and ready to go and going through the motions of getting out of town. But then once we got on the road and we were driving I started sobbing. I just couldn't calculate in my heart that I was driving up to Boise to go to my baby sister's funeral. I just told Brent, "I don't want to be driving up to go to her funeral! I want to be driving up to visit her and be together with our kids and have a good time together." I was really sad. I went through a lot of sadness at that point. I just wanted to cry about the reality of what was going on. 

Another poignant moment was when we got to the house we were all staying in, then going to the viewing. Walking into the viewing was surreal as well, but I remember walking in to see her in the casket and it didn't look like her AT ALL. That was actually a relief. When I saw her lying there it just wasn't her! She wasn't there. She was gone. I knew she was interacting with everyone. I asked Autumn at one point, "Have you been seeing your mom?" and she said, "Yes! She said to me, 'Oh Apbum (that's how Autumn refers to herself), there you are!". 

Autumn was escorting everyone that came to see her mom's body in the casket. That just about knocked me over when I was watching that. Autumn and I have a connection, I can just feel it from her. I love that little girl so much. I held Summer and then talked a lot with the people there. It was a nice feeling to see everyone, but weird. Really weird. I just kept feeling like, "This can't actually be happening??!!". 

It did bother me that Autumn was there because Shayla specifically had been having dreams, nightmares really, of Autumn looking at her in the casket. And the nightmare for Shayla is that she was stuck in the casket watching Autumn and couldn't get to her. So she had requested that Autumn not be there during the viewing, but she was there anyway. There were several things like that, requests from Shayla's end, that weren't really honored very well. I've been having to ponder and process my feelings about all of that. There is always a story behind the story, and the story behind the story with Shayla was there were a lot of ways in which she was feeling railroaded. And she never expressed it. 

After the viewing and feeling numb from it all we went back to the house and Jonathan got there. He hugged Kalea and just sobbed. Then Kalea and I went into the kitchen at the house and she just sobbed. Then Mesha got there and we all hugged each other together and just sobbed. There was a lot of crying. 

The day of the funeral was heavy and a blur in a lot of ways. Jonathan had another break down when we went in to the room where the family prayer was going to be said and saw the casket. All the sisters were sitting by him, just rubbing his back and hugging him. I didn't have a break down in any big moments like that. I went through the day and I just didn't feel break down moments. They just didn't come. I didn't push them away, it was just numb and surreal. 

After the funeral, we made it back to Mom's house after driving back from Boise. She arranged for Brent, me and Joshua to stay with Ronda Rasmussen, our adopted aunt from growing up. She is like Colleen is for my kids. We talked and she asked me about all the "things". She's such a good listener and she LOVED Joshua and played with him a bunch. Then we got up early and headed to the burial. I got in the car with Jonathan and drove with him to Bear Lake. 

He was MAD. He was going through angry phases when we were in the car together. He told me that he really wanted to heal Shayla when we went to go visit her. "Andrea, I know that I could have pronounced her healed and she could have gotten up and been healed and walked away. But I was forbidden to do it. Just like dad." He wasn't mad at God, he was more mad at Shayla. He was mad at her for all the years she distanced herself from our family. He was mad that she never said "Thank You" for lending her money for doing her real estate license. He was mad that her boys were taught the power of "I Am" and yet there was their mother lying in the casket in front of them from cancer and she never found the power of "I Am" within herself in a lot of ways. He was just mad. really mad. I was glad to be there in order to process his feelings with him. 

The burial was hard. The Connell's ended up being there (Blake, Janet, Greg and Alicia). As soon as I saw them I just started BAWLING. That reminds me that Todd was at the funeral in Boise. As soon as I saw him I started crying as well. It's fascinating how those anchor people in your life strike a chord inside of your heart strings that other people just don't. There was something that came out in me when I saw family show up in support. I know it meant the world to dad as well. I know that Blake going meant a whole lot to mom. 

When we gathered by the casket as siblings to take a picture it was REALLY hard. Mesha had a total break down. "She's supposed to be standing right there" and she was pointing on the other side of me. That was really hard. Seeing Shay's kids write on her casket things they loved about her, that was really hard. 

It was just all difficult. 

And yet, there was an underlying peace that I can't describe. Something I've been telling everyone when I talk with them about it is that I have never in my life known the feeling of such pain and such peace to co-exist within me all at the same time. And when I was talking to Brent about it he mentioned that it makes sense, "Andrea, think about it. If the Savior were to describe the atonement to you, wouldn't there be both immense pain, and yet unspeakable peace existing together?". And I had to agree with him. Those sister feelings have accompanied me in a way that has been quite amazing to feel. 

But I must admit that I haven't felt them existing at the same time together for a little while. I was completely carried for a good month while all of this was happening. But now that it's been a couple of months, I haven't had the same carried feeling that I had before. Which I was expecting, but I am sad not to have the same settling feeling as I had before. I felt Shayla, A LOT. And it isn't as much anymore. She's doing work on the other side, and part of that work for the first little bit after she died was to help to minister spiritually to everyone in her family, especially for Casey and the kids. But I haven't felt her lingering like she did before. I also understand more now than ever before the "Immediate Goodness Of God" that always accompanies a tragedy. It's very real. 

After the burial I headed to Idaho Falls to stay with Mimi and Papa for a bit. When I woke up Saturday morning after everything, that's when I had my break down. I total broke down. And WOW, was I angry. I was angry at EVERYTHING and everyone. I was mad at my parents. I was mad at Shayla. I was mad at my siblings. I was mad at Casey. I was mad at really everything. I was just really angry and mad. 

I felt it and I knew exactly what was going on. I just told the spirit, "Okay, I know it's okay to be mad, so help to talk me through this, because while I'm angry, I don't want to lose the spirit." So I kept talking to God the whole time I was mad. The people I wasn't angry with were Brent and God. I have never felt mad at God through all of this. 

I think I haven't been mad at Him because He gave me answers about Shayla a while ago. He showed me her heart. He showed me what was happening inside of her soul. He helped me to empathize with her and how the atonement was working in her life. I have had an understanding through all of this about the power that we have in our own lives. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know if this would have been Shayla's path no matter what. I don't know that. But I do know that we have power inside of ourselves that is unprecedented, especially together with Christ. Really, it's the other way around. HE is how we have access to Godly power. I have known for a while what's been going on inside of Shayla's body and I have had a lot of clear answers about that. Not once have I questioned the why. Which I'm SO GRATEFUL for. 

The perfect correlation with our free agency and God's will is quite fascinating, that's for sure. 

Anyway, I worked through a lot of anger that morning. I don't know if I would have been pushed to those angry spaces in my soul had I not been home in Idaho. I think being there, in the house that we grew up in together, pushed me to feel things that I hadn't felt. I'm grateful for that because I have that personality that I would much rather be pushed to work through the uncomfortable emotions in my soul, rather than let them fester. 

Being with mom was good to process things with her a bit. There were things we had to go through together. I felt really sad for her that she wasn't able to travel to the funeral. I know that Casey is mad at her for that, and I think he'll be mad at her for some time. I know he will be actually. It is very sad, especially the anger that Shayla had toward mom. It showed me that we NEVER escape our true emotions within us, and it's better to root them out than let them take over our feelings and our heart. 

I love you kids... so many things that I've been learning through this whole process, and I want to make sure to write them down more often and not forget.

I love you... remember... if anything happens to me... how much I love you...

Your Mom