Dear Kids,
Wow, a lot has happened since the last post.
Shayla passed away on February 15, 2021. Which was a Monday.
I just don't even know where to begin.
The relief I felt when I knew she had passed away was immense. Dad (Papa) called me at about 6:30am. Casey called him just a few minutes after she passed away and he wanted to wait to call everyone so we could sleep longer. I cried more the Friday before she passed away when I knew she was having all those tumors, then I cried when I found out she had passed away. There was a peace that came, and I felt her presence constantly throughout the week.
Mesha, Jonathan and Kalea all felt her a lot. I am sure her kids felt her constantly as well. Looking back on it, it's hard to describe the feelings. It was full of relief she was out of suffering, but also pain knowing she wasn't walking the same plane with us anymore. We made a mad rush to make it to the funeral and all the proceedings. Looking back on it now, it's really a whirlwind. And I don't know if it would do any good to do a travel log about it.
There are a few things I want to remember about it though that I felt deeply in my heart.
The first is when we were traveling up to the funeral. I remember getting everything packed up and ready to go and going through the motions of getting out of town. But then once we got on the road and we were driving I started sobbing. I just couldn't calculate in my heart that I was driving up to Boise to go to my baby sister's funeral. I just told Brent, "I don't want to be driving up to go to her funeral! I want to be driving up to visit her and be together with our kids and have a good time together." I was really sad. I went through a lot of sadness at that point. I just wanted to cry about the reality of what was going on.
Another poignant moment was when we got to the house we were all staying in, then going to the viewing. Walking into the viewing was surreal as well, but I remember walking in to see her in the casket and it didn't look like her AT ALL. That was actually a relief. When I saw her lying there it just wasn't her! She wasn't there. She was gone. I knew she was interacting with everyone. I asked Autumn at one point, "Have you been seeing your mom?" and she said, "Yes! She said to me, 'Oh Apbum (that's how Autumn refers to herself), there you are!".
Autumn was escorting everyone that came to see her mom's body in the casket. That just about knocked me over when I was watching that. Autumn and I have a connection, I can just feel it from her. I love that little girl so much. I held Summer and then talked a lot with the people there. It was a nice feeling to see everyone, but weird. Really weird. I just kept feeling like, "This can't actually be happening??!!".
It did bother me that Autumn was there because Shayla specifically had been having dreams, nightmares really, of Autumn looking at her in the casket. And the nightmare for Shayla is that she was stuck in the casket watching Autumn and couldn't get to her. So she had requested that Autumn not be there during the viewing, but she was there anyway. There were several things like that, requests from Shayla's end, that weren't really honored very well. I've been having to ponder and process my feelings about all of that. There is always a story behind the story, and the story behind the story with Shayla was there were a lot of ways in which she was feeling railroaded. And she never expressed it.
After the viewing and feeling numb from it all we went back to the house and Jonathan got there. He hugged Kalea and just sobbed. Then Kalea and I went into the kitchen at the house and she just sobbed. Then Mesha got there and we all hugged each other together and just sobbed. There was a lot of crying.
The day of the funeral was heavy and a blur in a lot of ways. Jonathan had another break down when we went in to the room where the family prayer was going to be said and saw the casket. All the sisters were sitting by him, just rubbing his back and hugging him. I didn't have a break down in any big moments like that. I went through the day and I just didn't feel break down moments. They just didn't come. I didn't push them away, it was just numb and surreal.
He was MAD. He was going through angry phases when we were in the car together. He told me that he really wanted to heal Shayla when we went to go visit her. "Andrea, I know that I could have pronounced her healed and she could have gotten up and been healed and walked away. But I was forbidden to do it. Just like dad." He wasn't mad at God, he was more mad at Shayla. He was mad at her for all the years she distanced herself from our family. He was mad that she never said "Thank You" for lending her money for doing her real estate license. He was mad that her boys were taught the power of "I Am" and yet there was their mother lying in the casket in front of them from cancer and she never found the power of "I Am" within herself in a lot of ways. He was just mad. really mad. I was glad to be there in order to process his feelings with him.
The burial was hard. The Connell's ended up being there (Blake, Janet, Greg and Alicia). As soon as I saw them I just started BAWLING. That reminds me that Todd was at the funeral in Boise. As soon as I saw him I started crying as well. It's fascinating how those anchor people in your life strike a chord inside of your heart strings that other people just don't. There was something that came out in me when I saw family show up in support. I know it meant the world to dad as well. I know that Blake going meant a whole lot to mom.
When we gathered by the casket as siblings to take a picture it was REALLY hard. Mesha had a total break down. "She's supposed to be standing right there" and she was pointing on the other side of me. That was really hard. Seeing Shay's kids write on her casket things they loved about her, that was really hard.
It was just all difficult.
But I must admit that I haven't felt them existing at the same time together for a little while. I was completely carried for a good month while all of this was happening. But now that it's been a couple of months, I haven't had the same carried feeling that I had before. Which I was expecting, but I am sad not to have the same settling feeling as I had before. I felt Shayla, A LOT. And it isn't as much anymore. She's doing work on the other side, and part of that work for the first little bit after she died was to help to minister spiritually to everyone in her family, especially for Casey and the kids. But I haven't felt her lingering like she did before. I also understand more now than ever before the "Immediate Goodness Of God" that always accompanies a tragedy. It's very real.
After the burial I headed to Idaho Falls to stay with Mimi and Papa for a bit. When I woke up Saturday morning after everything, that's when I had my break down. I total broke down. And WOW, was I angry. I was angry at EVERYTHING and everyone. I was mad at my parents. I was mad at Shayla. I was mad at my siblings. I was mad at Casey. I was mad at really everything. I was just really angry and mad.
I felt it and I knew exactly what was going on. I just told the spirit, "Okay, I know it's okay to be mad, so help to talk me through this, because while I'm angry, I don't want to lose the spirit." So I kept talking to God the whole time I was mad. The people I wasn't angry with were Brent and God. I have never felt mad at God through all of this.
I think I haven't been mad at Him because He gave me answers about Shayla a while ago. He showed me her heart. He showed me what was happening inside of her soul. He helped me to empathize with her and how the atonement was working in her life. I have had an understanding through all of this about the power that we have in our own lives. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know if this would have been Shayla's path no matter what. I don't know that. But I do know that we have power inside of ourselves that is unprecedented, especially together with Christ. Really, it's the other way around. HE is how we have access to Godly power. I have known for a while what's been going on inside of Shayla's body and I have had a lot of clear answers about that. Not once have I questioned the why. Which I'm SO GRATEFUL for.
The perfect correlation with our free agency and God's will is quite fascinating, that's for sure.
Anyway, I worked through a lot of anger that morning. I don't know if I would have been pushed to those angry spaces in my soul had I not been home in Idaho. I think being there, in the house that we grew up in together, pushed me to feel things that I hadn't felt. I'm grateful for that because I have that personality that I would much rather be pushed to work through the uncomfortable emotions in my soul, rather than let them fester.
Being with mom was good to process things with her a bit. There were things we had to go through together. I felt really sad for her that she wasn't able to travel to the funeral. I know that Casey is mad at her for that, and I think he'll be mad at her for some time. I know he will be actually. It is very sad, especially the anger that Shayla had toward mom. It showed me that we NEVER escape our true emotions within us, and it's better to root them out than let them take over our feelings and our heart.
I love you kids... so many things that I've been learning through this whole process, and I want to make sure to write them down more often and not forget.
I love you... remember... if anything happens to me... how much I love you...
Your Mom
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