Hard Mom Day & Humanity

 Dear Kids, 

Today was a REALLY hard mom day. Super hard actually. 

There are so many times that I *think* that I have gotten past anger reactions, and then they creep back up again. 

Today it happened with both Elijah and Talia. 

Lately everything that I say to Talia she has been fighting me on all of it. ALL OF IT. No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, no matter what my intention is, she is constantly fighting me. 

Example: She has been carrying her wallet around in her small backpack and she has been keeping ALL of her cash in it from babysitting. I suggested on our way back from the gas station that she might want to keep only $20-$30 in her wallet at a time and then put the rest in a jar for savings so that way if something happens to her wallet, all of her cash won't be gone. 

You would have thought that I had told her the world was crashing down because she got really frustrated and really mad at me for even suggesting it. My intentions were very good, I was just caring about her and didn't want her to lose money. But she got SO UPSET. This has happened A LOT in the past couple of weeks, that she is getting mad at me for everything. 

And I snapped at her. 

The snap came out again. 

Sometimes I don't even know where the snap comes from. I was actually feeling really good, but I just snapped. It was like the last straw. I had handled all her push back and all the arguing like a champ for the last little while and there was just something inside of me that didn't want to be nice about it anymore. 

And I came unglued a little bit and yelled at her. I just yelled about how no matter what I say and no matter how I say it, she is just mad at me. I told her that I was just trying to help her and no matter what I do, she gets mad at me. 

Well, then she get really frustrated back and she just yelled and said, "It's because everything you say, it feels like you are trying to control me!"

I had to sit with that one a little bit. I have been pondering about that response all day since it happened actually. Is my motivation control? Truly in my heart? Am I trying to tell her what to do to control her or because I truly care in my heart?

And in reality I have to admit to myself that it's about 50/50. Half of the time it is actually about control and she energetically feels that from me. The other half of the time it isn't about control at all, it is from a place of true caring. But she energetically feels a lot. 

I apologized about yelling and she set her jaw at me and left. Oh boy, I thought, here comes the teenage emotions... when she's only 10 years old. She is very strong willed, which I appreciate, but there are several parenting tactics that I really feel like I have to change and go into warping a bit. I was telling Brent that I feel like I have the parenting for eight years old and younger down pat... but now that we are entering the tween/teen stage, there are going to be difference expectations. There are going to be different situations and my tactics have to change with them. 

I need to learn how to be a parent of older kids instead of younger kids. And it feels like I have to start all over. 

Elijah has been pushing me all day today as well. He is getting mad at EVERYTHING. I tried to make cookies with him the other day, and he was just getting mad about everything I was doing, so I told him that I couldn't make cookies with him anymore. Then today he just said, "Then because of YOU I couldn't make cookies!" And I reminded that that it was his choices of disrespect that caused that, and he stormed off to his room and just screamed and yelled about how mad he was at me because of that. 

Sheesh. Seriously. I remember my mother crying about a lot of things, that she was doing her best and no matter what she did it wasn't right or good enough. I know exactly how she feels now. 

This parenting gig is hard. Really hard. 

But kids, you have to remember one thing - I am doing all of this because I love you. I am home with you all the time because I WANT to be around you. I WANT to be the one raising you. I WANT to be the one there for the conflict and for the joyous times. I WANT to be the one who is mentoring you. I WANT all of it, but it includes a lot of pain and frustration. And you get to see my human side more than anyone else because of it. 

And I will keep asking you, your whole lives, that you are going to have to forgive my humanity. I am VERY human and I make human mistakes - like yelling and getting frustrated when I have hit my last straw with your behaviors. 

Then I straighten up my crown as a daughter of God, and I start over again. I apologize and I try to be better everyday. 

I hope you all know that - I truly try to be better every single day. 

Thank you for loving me through this parenting journey. Thank you for working with me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being my mentors inside of all the mirrors of my soul. You push me to the extreme edges of my emotions all the time, but in reality, this is the way that we all gain self mastery - with each other. 

And then turning to Jesus in order to help us to make it through it all. I turn to Jesus everyday, all the time, especially inside of all the mistakes I make. 

I love you, 

Your Mom