My Kids Need More Of Me

 Dear Kids, 

There is something happening inside of me. 

I am sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm going to be 44 years old. CRAZY RIGHT? How did that happen so fast? 44 years old... 

But what is happening inside of me is that I am going through some major transition. I feel like I have to re-evaluate everything in my life right now. My soul is yearning for something different. There is a part of me that needs to be developed that I can't quite figure out. 

I have been putting on homeschooling mom retreats for about the last 5 years. I have one that is coming up this weekend that I am in charge of. I really have loved doing it, but I can tell I am getting burnt out. It is something that I am really good at, especially because of my working background. But the energy I have for this one is really waning a lot. I can tell that I need to step back and take a break from a lot of things. 

Of course I always say that, then I take a break, then I start to feel really good, then I add more things on my plate again, and then I feel like I need to step back, and then I cut things out of my schedule, and then I feel good and then... you get the cycle. It is something that I have done my whole life. 

But this time the way I am feeling is a little different. There is something that I need to do. There are talents and spiritual gifts that need refining and I don't even know where to start with it, besides giving myself space to do it. 

I know part of what I'm feeling is that my oldest kids are now getting old enough that they need to start developing their passions. Gabe - you need to start to develop into the young man that you want to be. Right now, currently, you came bouncing into my bedroom and started giggling. I LOVE your giggle SO MUCH. I love how you laugh and your happiness and how much positivity you find in life. I want all of my kids to have that ability! You are so good at it. But I have also been feeling like you are going to be developing into a young man and it's time for you to sink your teeth into your passions, and it's new ground for all of us. I hope I can find the right mentors for you!

But, even with the changes in all the kids, there is something inside of me that needs to develop more. I am no longer 25 years old. I have age and life experience behind me now in a way that I never have before. There is a lot for me to give. There are a lot of people for me to touch. But I know that I am still in my developing stage before really getting out there because I still have kids to raise. I have young kids that still really need me. That is the part of me that I really feel like I need to cut back. 

My kids need more of ME. Not me "trying" to keep a schedule. Not me trying to keep up with projects. YOU ALL need more of me. 

Elijah the other day told me, "Mom you are always too busy!"

It surprised me because I am with all of you ALL day long. But in a way there is an aspect of that in which your love buckets are still empty because I'm always telling you to do something, or complete something, or work on something, or task chart, or chores, or practicing, or taking you to lessons, or... you get the picture. There is always something else we are moving onto, when in reality you need more of ME. 

That's exactly what I'm feeling. You need more of ME before all of a sudden we are 10 more years down the road. 

I'm working on it. 

I love you so much. I think this upcoming school year, the theme needs to be that you all need more of me. 

I love you, 

Your Mom