Mimi Validating Me, "It's NO Small Thing What You've Done Here"

 Dear Kids, 

I was talking with Papa the other day about things that Mimi experienced in her life. And I just think about her and I am just amazed at her. Honestly I am. 

There were things I had to work through about her (and guess what... every child has things they have to personal work through with their parents, it's definitely a part of life, and that's okay! You will have things you have to process about me and dad, and that's okay! Just make sure not to let it make you strangers. Process through whatever you have to, then look for the good!)... but the majority of the time I am just amazed at her. She lost her parents so close together. She was 40 when she lost her mom to ovarian cancer, and then 10 days later her dad had a massive heart attack and died. She had to work through things with Papa and his family when Kevin (Papa's brother) committed suicide, then Mimi's brother Brad went to Mexico and was thrown in prison and had to work on getting him out. There were so many things financially with the business that Mimi and Papa had to always work through, and just a lot of heavy stuff. I know Mimi had PTSD a bit because she admitted that to me, she looked at me one day and said, "I think I have PTSD about everything from 20 years ago that I have had to learn how to work through."

Anyway, Papa and I were talking about everything she went through and Papa at one point said, "She had it tougher than you kids did when she lost her parents." And I agreed with him. 

But right after the conversation was finished I was heading to the kitchen and I felt my mom, Mimi. She said to me, "Andrea, don't minimize what you have done here and the service you have given while you have been here. What you have done here is NO SMALL THING." It shocked me a bit because it was a bit out of the blue to feel her so strongly. But it was EXACTLY when I needed to hear from her. 

I needed that validation to realize and admit and allow myself to feel the gravity of the weight that I have felt while being here. And no one understands that more than my mom!! She had to do it with her parents and take care of everything. I took that role for her and my dad while being here. I needed the validation especially because I tend to minimize what I go through compared to what other people go through. I can always see how other people's stories are "harder" than mine. 

But my mom came to tell me NOT to do that. I can't minimize anything because the service that your dad and I have given while we've been here has been NO SMALL THING. It truly hasn't been. And God has sent us on this service mission for my parents and in reality for my whole family. What we are doing here benefits dad for sure, but more than anything it benefits my siblings for the time (if it comes) that we have to either move my dad out, or when he passes away and we have to go through everything. 

I needed it. I needed my mom to validate that. I needed her in that moment and I didn't even realize it. How amazing that she can come to me exactly when I need her, even when I don't realize that I needed it. I am so grateful for that. It is almost relieving to know that she can know what I'm thinking and feeling so that I don't have to hide anything from her. She can help me. And she has the perfect capabilities of doing so. 

She placed in me the strength to do what I've needed to do there. Now I know in her physical body she chose to hold things in a lot and I know that caused her a lot of anxiety and emotional pain. And SHE knows that about herself. Anything that I might be holding in my body that can cause DIS-EASE she will be able to see and help me through. And I won't even really have to say anything because she could feel it. 

I can feel that I have things I need to "take off the shelf". As I've been here the last while, especially before mom passes away, I would feel things and I would intentionally, "Put them on a shelf" in a space in my heart to be able to work through later when Jesus helped me take them off. I needed to do that because we had so much physical work to do that I didn't have a lot of time for emotional work. But now there is time for that emotional work, and I don't want those things to get "stuck on that shelf". But now my mom will be able to help me with it too. I'm so grateful. I can feel there is a lot there to work through. A lot within the grief I feel. 

I love you kids. I know sometimes I don't hold space for you and what you are currently feeling sometimes because of everything happening in my life right now. But please know that I really am doing my best. I truly am. I am giving my best to you all the time because I adore you, I love you, I cherish you, and I'm so grateful to be your mom! So grateful! 

I Love you, 

Your Mom

Grandma Kvarfordt (Your Great Grandma Kvarfordt) passed Away

 Dear Kids, 

My grandma Kvarfordt, your Great Grandma Kvarfordt, passed away yesterday morning (November 20th) at 6am. She was ready to go. She definitely has been missing Grandpa, who passed away three years ago, also on November 20th! She lost two sons before. Kevin, her oldest, committed suicide many years ago when I was a teenager. Her son Matt passed away a couple years ago as well from a drug overdose. Her father also passed away when she was only 5 years old. All her parents on the other side were so glad to see her and I KNOW she had a wonderful reunion.

It's interesting, how close we feel to those on the other side. I have felt Mimi and Shayla so much since they passed, but in reality I didn't have a really close relationship with my grandma. She always loved me. We were always welcome in her house. I remember playing hide and seek, playing with her music boxes, going to her house for food and gathering as a family, but I don't remember a lot of times that she reached out to me to be with me. She had a lot of anger toward people and she had a lot of forgiving to do. I hope that the last few days before she passed away, when she was not coherent, that she had a chance to meet with Jesus and go through the things in her heart a little bit before she passed through the veil.

It is a good lesson to learn. She didn't do much to cultivate relationships on her own, she always welcomed us when we came over, but she didn't reach out hardly at all. That has been difficult over the years because of losing my other grandparents when I was so young. And you know, it's interesting to think about it because ever since she and my Grandpa left the church, that is when it really started to pull into themselves without reaching out. 

You all know how that feels to lose a close grandparent when you are young since Mimi passed away. You were all close to her and she always reached out to you and made sure to send you gifts, called you on special days, she was reaching out in every way that was in her personal power, especially when she was so ill. It is so important to have grandparents who love you and reach out to you. I want to remember that for my grandchildren. That reaching out to them and remembering them is SO IMPORTANT.

But, I also try to look at the bright side as well. And that is that she always smiled at me, she always was happy to see me when we went over. She loved holding my babies when she was physically capable. I have her beautiful alto voice, whenever I sing anywhere in Idaho Falls when people have heard her sing, they say to me, "Your have your grandmothers amazing, rich, beautiful voice!". My dad, your papa, told me that he remembers going to different wards to listen to her sing, she was invited so many places to sing and sing and sing. And I'm so grateful that she passed that down to me. So grateful. 

I miss my mom. A lot. I miss Shayla. A lot. I feel them and they talk to me. I have felt like my relationship with Shayla has just soared since she passed away and I'm SO GRATEFUL for that. I wonder if maybe I could work through my feelings and have a better relationship with my Grandma Kvarfordt as well now that she's on the other side and feeling better. I wonder. I think I might try that. And I think I have feelings I need to work through toward her as well, and I need to forgive her. 

Going through so much death in one year is a heavy thing. Even though it was good for Grandma to go, it is still heavy. It is still a loss. And I want to honor those feelings because I think they are important to honor. I don't want to get stuck there, but I also realize that it doesn't do any good for anyone if they are buried inside of me. So I am going to work on that. I am going to work on forgiving my Grandma, I am going to ask for a better relationship with her. I am going to start to do more work on my heart with Jesus through this grief and make sure nothing is welling up inside of me that would cause anger or bitterness. 

I love you kids. I know you have been to a lot of funerals this year. And I know that this year for you hasn't been easy either. You are all building muscle of resilience and understanding because of these experiences, and I want to make sure to hold space for your feelings inside of your personal experiences with it all. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Primary Program In Idaho With Papa, Feeling Mimi and Jesus

 (picture from the Christmas program, since I couldn't take a picture during sacrament meeting ;-) )

Dear Kids, 

Today was the primary program for the ward. 

It is Talia's LAST program! I remember when I was almost 12 years old and it was my last primary program. I remember that I was SO OVER PRIMARY! I was thinking about that when I was watching Talia sing and do her part. I can't believe how grown up you are Talia. You are beautiful and so confident. You have a wonderful smile and you are such an amazing friend. I'm so proud of who you are and your magnificent soul! You told the primary President that if anyone dropped out because of travel or sickness that you would help to fill in their spot. You are really good at that, you are really good on your feet and thinking quick. 

Joshua was standing in the front, sitting in Papa's bishop's chair. That was fun! He was just singing super loud and confident. There was a boy in the class that was twirling around in front of him and he kept rolling his eyes at him. It was so funny! Joshua, you did your part so well and you were so articulate for your age. That is definitely a strong suite for you. I was proud of you, especially because I know it was a challenge to get up in front of so many people. There were several times that I looked at you and you just smiled really big. 

Elijah, you were in the very back and you were so good! I kept waiting to see if you were going to get squirmy and cause any trouble back there, but you were so focused on everything, all the songs and your speaking part. I told you after, "Hey! You did great. I kept looking at you to see if you would look at me and you never looked down at me!". You responded, "Well mom, I had to keep looking at the words. I couldn't look at you. Hello!" hahaha! It was funny. 

While I was watching the whole thing transpire I just kept having these thoughts of time flashing before my eyes. All my babies used to be in primary. Now Gabe is out in Young Men's and Talia is almost in Young Women's. It's crazy how much you are growing. I actually really love it! I love seeing your development and your abilities. But while I was watching the program I got so emotional. 

My babies are all growing up!

You are all growing! My time with you is elapsing before my eyes! 

I just love you so much. I wish that I could express how much I LOVE YOU. 

At the end of the program you all sang, "I Feel My Savior's Love" and you used sign language while you were singing. It was BEAUTIFUL. 

I felt Mimi there watching you and she told me, "Your children are beautiful Andrea. They are such great kids." 

When I felt that from her I just started bawling. I thought to myself, "Yes they are! They are amazing!" When the words "He knows I will follow Him, Give All my Life To Him, I feel my Savior's Love, the Love He FREELY gives me" were sung I had tears streaming down my face. 

I just felt in my heart that the Savior said, "Yes Andrea, I know that you follow Me. I know that you have given all your life to Me. I know you feel my love, the love I freely give you." It was so powerful and beautiful, and so appropriate that it came from the mouths of my babies. 

I love you kids, so much. 

Your Mom

Joshua's Big Questions About God and Resurrection At Bedtime

 Dear Kids,

The innocence combined with the wisdom of childhood is just amazing to me. 

Tonight while I was tucking in Joshua for bed he started asking some REALLY big questions. He just turned 5 like a month ago. :-) 

"Mom, how are our spirits made in heaven?"

"When was Jesus alive?"

"How long as God been God?"

"Mom how do our spirits and our bodies work together? And when does that happen?"

"So when Mimi is resurrected she won't have to use her walker anymore?"

"When are we going to be resurrected?"

"How long until Jesus will be here with us actually here?"

Answering these questions were really quite fulfilling and fun. I told him that he has a mom and dad in heaven just like he has a mom and dad on earth. That his Heavenly Father and Mother made his spirit, then his dad and I made his body and they came together. That Jesus was alive about 2,000 years ago and He was resurrected and that He gave everyone a permanent gift of being resurrected with a perfect body. That's when he brought up Mimi and just asked about her and her body and he said so beautifully, "You mean Mimi won't have her walker anymore?" Then he looked at me and just SMILED. He understood what that meant. I told him that she was going to be able to run and play with him and how amazing that will be! He just smiled bigger. 

Oh the beauty and innocence of being a child... but they ALWAYS blow me away with questions they ask and how inquisitive they are. And how willing to just LEARN. It is beautiful and I love it. 

Joshua, thank you for teaching me tonight. Reminding me that the knowledge that I have is AMAZING. That the beauty of the reality of the gospel is just THE BEST EVER. My appreciation for the doctrine of the resurrection has been so profoundly influenced by watching Shayla in the process of losing her body and Mimi in the process of dying until the last breath. Just the reality that this body of ours is just a vessel for our profound souls, that's it. Who we are is our SOUL. 

Until you've seen someone you love SO MUCH really on the edge of death and actually dying, the profound nature of the doctrine of resurrection just comes alive within your soul. 

I love you kids. Keep asking questions. Keep being inquisitive. 

Your Mom

Communion Experience: My Mom, Feelings To Be Released From My Throat

 

(This is a general keeping of my experiences with my personal communion during my meditation/prayer time. I want to make sure to write these down as they come so I don't forget them and for the experiences to be sealed to me.)

This morning was the first time that I had taken a moment to meditate for a while. It felt good to set apart some time for that specific communion. 

Brent said it really well... he mentioned the other day when he sat down to meditate that he was immediately able to "go to that space" where the spirit has taught him to go. He felt badly that he hadn't taken the time to meditate for a while and was apologizing and the spirit basically told him, "this space is available to you anytime you need it. You have worked hard to be able to get to this space, it is always open for you."

That is the same way that I felt when I started my meditation this morning. I did my normal opening of my heart and mind to the spirit with the phrases, "Let my eye be single to Thy Glory (while seeing myself with my spiritual eyes reaching up to heaven with the energy of my soul reaching to the heavens) so my whole body may be filled with light (then seeing light coming from heaven down into my body, filling me up from the crown of my head to my feet)." Then I repeat that as many times as I feel like I need to in order for my purpose to be one with Jesus, My Heavenly Parents and any angels that need to be with me that day. 

Today I knew that I needed to do some internal work together with my mom. Last night in my prayers I was telling Heavenly Father that I knew that I had some walls up with her somewhere and I wanted to make sure to get those healed. As soon as I invited that experience to come to me she was IMMEDIATELY there with me. She basically said to me, "I understand we have some work we need to do."

Wow... it felt good. I think it especially felt good because there were some things and conversations that we never talked about. Mostly because there were topics that my mom just wouldn't touch. Death was one of them. She wouldn't talk about her own death or anyone's death. About five days before she passed away she finally said, "I told Heavenly Father in my prayers last night that I will do whatever He wants me to do. Your dad and I have so many plans, but if they aren't according to His will, I told Him it was okay." That was the first time I heard her talk about death. Years ago when I asked her if she had ever written her funeral plans she just brushed it off and said, "I'm just going to be translated, you won't need to worry about that." It was a subject that you just didn't breach. So when she got really sick a few years ago, I wanted to talk about what was going on in her body and she just wouldn't talk about anything major. 

I feel like now I have a better understanding of her "why" inside of that. She didn't want anyone to feel traumatized by her having ovarian cancer. She didn't want to be a burden to any of us, she wanted us to be moms and focus on our families, not on her. She did it from a very unselfish motive, and I feel like since she passed away I have had a chance several times to feel her heart and her motives and they were purely unselfish. I have had to "rewrite" the story that I told myself for a while about her. And that in and of itself has been very healing. 

But today when I wanted to go to that spiritual place with her and the things in my heart that I was holding specifically about her, she was there and ready to do the work with me. 

The first thing I was told to do was to find where all my feelings about her, feelings I could articulate and even feelings I couldn't really give words to, that were just feelings, and feel where they were residing in my body. Immediately I could feel them in my lower throat area. Not fully in my chest, but just right above my stomach and heart area, just right below my vocal chords. THAT is where all the feelings were. Which was interesting since I never really felt like I was able to say things to her that I really wanted to... for a lot of years there were things that I wanted to talk with her about, that I just never did talk with her about because of the walls that she had up about the certain topics. There were actually several topics that I remember I was really frustrated about at the time, but I can't even fully remember. 

However, there were lots of feelings that were just there and sitting there. Things I didn't even have words for... I just know in that area below my vocal chords it was tight and bound up. 

So we started to work on it together. And when I say that I say that in my mind's eye I could see that I needed to take those feelings out and put them in the "Jesus Bag" (I've told about that exercise before). When I knew I needed to take them out with the rope that was tied to them and put them in the Jesus Bag immediately I actually responded very hesitantly. 

Here I was with my mom, finally addressing things that I wanted to address for a while. I wanted privacy in it! I wanted quality time! I wanted to do this work with her alone so I could just be with her because I miss her and I want my momma. 

But my mom was so sweet, she just communicated with me that we couldn't do it without Jesus. It took me several minutes to allow my feelings to open and let Him come. He was IMMEDIATELY available to me and immediately there. But guess how thoughtful He is? The first thing He said was, "Andrea, I know you want your time. I'll just be over here while you work on this together and I'll be ready whenever you are." He knew how I was feeling. 

So I started to release the feelings in that area of my body by moving the "cord of feeling" from my body and I pulled it out in a continuous string until it got to Jesus's bag. And you know what happened? It started moving UP! The feeling moved from that area and started moving UP in my body, to my vocal chords, then right above them, then right at the back of my tongue... etc. As we kept pulling on the string/cord that had all the feelings in it the feeling kept getting higher and higher and started coming out of my mouth. 

At one point my mom was pulling in the cord because I just sat there. She was pulling on it with so much energy and moving it out me SO QUICKLY. She didn't want that in there and residing in my. She wanted it out of my body. She was moving out of me with lightening speed. It was amazing and she was moving it right to the Jesus bag. 

At one point I kept getting interrupted by Joshua. And of course my mom, understanding the essence of motherhood and how she always wanted me to be available to my family, she just paused and waited. Then every time I closed my eyes and we resumed right where we left off. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It felt really good. 

I wasn't able to move it all out of me. We stopped about when the feeling was at the middle of my mouth area. Then I was getting interrupted too much. She just said, "We'll work on it more tomorrow." Then she and Jesus just sat and watched me for a minute while I hugged and helped Joshua, then it felt like they left together... knowing that we would continue the "session" at another time. 

It was BEAUTIFUL. And so healing. I needed it. I needed the time with her. I needed to know how willing she was to address things that never were addressed and had lodged in my system. In her physical state there were certain topics and feelings that she just couldn't address. But it feels like she can now. She knows there's healing to be done in that way and I'm excited to see what else needs to come out and how else it can be healed. 

Joshua, The Obstacle Course, Feeling Frozen & Overcoming

 Dear Kids, 

The other day we went to the park for about 45 minutes to kill some time, and to take advantage of the good weather in Idaho in November as long as we could!

At one point Talia wanted me to do an obstacle course and time it. So we took turns going through the course and it was a lot of fun. 

Toward the end of when we were tiring out, Joshua decided he wanted to go through the course as well. He got to a part in the course when there were some funny twists and turns. He was there looking ahead of him and then he just started to cry, "Mom! I can't do it! I'm going to fall!"

"Joshua, it's okay, I'm right here. I'll show you what to do."

"Mom! I just want you to do it for me. Can you just do it for me?"

"Buddy, I can show you where to put your feet, and what to do. I'll be right here and you won't fall. If you fall I'll catch you."

"No mom! I'll fall! I'm scared!"

"Okay buddy. You can get down. You don't have to do this."

"No mom! I want to finish! I don't want to get down."

"Okay, I'll show you where to put your feet and I'll be right here if you fall." I started moving his foot and leg to where it would be safe to keep going. But through tears he just freaked out.

"No mom! Don't move me! I'm too scared. I'm going to fall!" He is just SOBBING by this point.

"Okay buddy, I'll lift you and get you down."

"NO MOM! I can't get down. I have to do this! I need to finish, I can't get down. I'm scared!"

On and on and on and on we went. We kept going around and around and around this conversation. Joshua desperately wanted to finish and keep going. But any time he tried to move his feet he just froze with fear because he was so scared that he was going to fall. So I would try to move his feet for him and he would scream. So then I would tell him I could just get him down and he would refuse because he wanted to finish so badly. We went around like this for awhile.

The whole time I was thinking, Wow... isn't this just like life? Here we are in hard moments of life. Jesus is right there to catch us if we fall, but it feels so scary to move because we don't want to fall., but we don't want to give up either. So we sometimes feel frozen, unable to move, but we know that we have to keep going forward. That forward is the only way to go. And the whole time our Heavenly Parents and Jesus are right there to help us along. Sometimes we refuse their help. Sometimes we just want to do it on our own. but we are so afraid of failing. 

So guess what helped? I told him, "Joshua, how about I show you how to do it, so you see what to do and that it can work and you won't fall?"So I got up and I showed him where to put his hands and feet as I went ahead of him. 

That finally broke his panic. I gave him the example and where to exactly put his hands and where to put his feet. 

Just like Jesus and our Heavenly Parents. 

They have gone before us. They know everything that we are feeling and experiencing because they have done it before. They know the twists and turns! But they can't do it for us... we have to do it ourselves with our own feet and our own hands until we feel comfortable. 

The next time around the obstacle course Joshua was able to get through it just fine without stops or panic. 

Everything in life teaches us kids. Look for the moments to be taught, and how our Heavenly Parents teach us, just like we learn how to teach our own children. 

I love you all so much. 

Your Mom

Scripture Study Journals & Joshua

 Dear Kids, 

Today I went and got some scripture study journals for the oldest three (Gabe, Talia, Elijah). I've been wanting all of you to personally study more in your scriptures, but you've needed help. So I went and got some study journals that will hopefully help you. 

While I was there I didn't even think about getting anything for Joshua because he can't write yet and I just knew I would read a scripture picture book with him. So when I got home I had three journals with me, but nothing for Joshua. 

Well, I laid the journals out on the table and I talked with the older kids about them and what they were for. They were excited and grabbed their journals. In the meantime, while I was explaining the journals, Joshua just sat there, starting to compute that he didn't get anything. He looked up at me, with big tears welling up in his eyes and said, "Mom... you forgot about me!". 

Of course, when I realized that he totally felt completely left out I felt awful. I just said, "Oh buddy! I didn't get you one because you can't write yet."

"But mom... I want to read scriptures too! I want a journal too!"

"I'm so sorry buddy... will you forgive me? I didn't forget about you, we'll go on Monday and get a journal for you. I'm so sorry."

"Okay mom... that's okay. We'll go together."

It took him about 10 minutes to really shake it off. It was a good reminder that no matter how old someone is, they don't want to be left out! It was a blonde moment for me because I just didn't even compute about it for Joshua since it was a goal for the older kids. 

So, mom's make mistakes sometimes, and guess what? You just have to keep forgiving me because I'm on this journey of learning just like you all are. We'll just keep helping each other back to heaven, together. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Heavenly Mother Experiences & Thoughts

 Dear Kids, 

I listened to a podcast today about Heavenly Mother. I realized that I haven't written very many experiences that I have had with Heavenly Mother and I need to remedy that. 

First off... I grew up in a home where I never felt "less than" just because I am a girl. Since becoming an adult I have realized how unique that really was. I always felt like I could do anything I wanted to. And I never felt like I was "less than" just because I didn't hold priesthood offices. I just understood that the stewardships were different from each other. My mom and dad always held us girls in the highest respect. 

Now with adult eyes I understand that there were so many girls growing up in my generation that never really felt that way. It makes me sad... but I also understand where they are coming from in their desire to know more about Heavenly Mother and what that means for us as women to want to become like HER. As a Goddess. My highest potential is not Heavenly Father, it is Heavenly Mother. Understanding the differences there, the divine, unique differences and why they are so important, is really paramount inside of understanding who I am as a woman. 

Anyway, today while I was listening to the podcast I realized how many experiences I have had with Heavenly Mother and that it is pretty unique. There are many people who don't know how to build a relationship with her, for good reason, because there isn't any "formal" way of being taught how to interact with her. But in a way that makes it REALLY special because of how individual it can be. 

Some of my most potent experiences have been in my eye of faith/meditation communion with the heavens. As part of my practice I go into a temple space after getting into the place of communion. As I enter the initiatory area of renewal for my body several times it's been Heavenly Mother who has come to me to administer to me. It's powerful and beautiful. She touches me and bestows light upon me. It sounds more simple than it really feels. Because the feeling is all encompassing and powerful. It is renewing and magnificent. As I go through the body scan that the initiatory teaches us, SHE is the one who is touching me and explaining it to me and helping me communicate with my body, organs and different areas. 

I told a few friends about these experiences and I just started crying because of how sacred they are. I actually haven't had an experience like that for quite a few months with everything that has been going on and while I was talking about it I felt like, "Oh! I want to make time for that again! I need that!".

Going into my eye of faith/meditation communion with God has taught me so much. And it has opened my spiritual eyes in a way that has just floored me in the last few years. There's so much that I can see and understand and feel, and it is because I dedicated myself to build that muscle of the eye of faith and seeing with my spiritual eyes. The stronger my spiritual eyes become, and the more I give credit to God and I recognize and BELIEVE all these experiences, the more experiences I have. 

So kids, my Heavenly Mother loves me. Something else to keep in mind is that I really think there are MANY Heavenly Mothers. I don't know how all of it works, but MY Heavenly Mother loves me. She's nurtured me in a way that is amazing. I wonder if the family lines have a lot to do with Heavenly Mother. I don't know how it all works. but I know she knows me. And I think there's a lot more to discover and understand, especially about my own motherhood and my own mother from HER. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom