(This is a general keeping of my experiences with my personal communion during my meditation/prayer time. I want to make sure to write these down as they come so I don't forget them and for the experiences to be sealed to me.)
This morning was the first time that I had taken a moment to meditate for a while. It felt good to set apart some time for that specific communion.
Brent said it really well... he mentioned the other day when he sat down to meditate that he was immediately able to "go to that space" where the spirit has taught him to go. He felt badly that he hadn't taken the time to meditate for a while and was apologizing and the spirit basically told him, "this space is available to you anytime you need it. You have worked hard to be able to get to this space, it is always open for you."
That is the same way that I felt when I started my meditation this morning. I did my normal opening of my heart and mind to the spirit with the phrases, "Let my eye be single to Thy Glory (while seeing myself with my spiritual eyes reaching up to heaven with the energy of my soul reaching to the heavens) so my whole body may be filled with light (then seeing light coming from heaven down into my body, filling me up from the crown of my head to my feet)." Then I repeat that as many times as I feel like I need to in order for my purpose to be one with Jesus, My Heavenly Parents and any angels that need to be with me that day.
Today I knew that I needed to do some internal work together with my mom. Last night in my prayers I was telling Heavenly Father that I knew that I had some walls up with her somewhere and I wanted to make sure to get those healed. As soon as I invited that experience to come to me she was IMMEDIATELY there with me. She basically said to me, "I understand we have some work we need to do."
Wow... it felt good. I think it especially felt good because there were some things and conversations that we never talked about. Mostly because there were topics that my mom just wouldn't touch. Death was one of them. She wouldn't talk about her own death or anyone's death. About five days before she passed away she finally said, "I told Heavenly Father in my prayers last night that I will do whatever He wants me to do. Your dad and I have so many plans, but if they aren't according to His will, I told Him it was okay." That was the first time I heard her talk about death. Years ago when I asked her if she had ever written her funeral plans she just brushed it off and said, "I'm just going to be translated, you won't need to worry about that." It was a subject that you just didn't breach. So when she got really sick a few years ago, I wanted to talk about what was going on in her body and she just wouldn't talk about anything major.
I feel like now I have a better understanding of her "why" inside of that. She didn't want anyone to feel traumatized by her having ovarian cancer. She didn't want to be a burden to any of us, she wanted us to be moms and focus on our families, not on her. She did it from a very unselfish motive, and I feel like since she passed away I have had a chance several times to feel her heart and her motives and they were purely unselfish. I have had to "rewrite" the story that I told myself for a while about her. And that in and of itself has been very healing.
But today when I wanted to go to that spiritual place with her and the things in my heart that I was holding specifically about her, she was there and ready to do the work with me.
The first thing I was told to do was to find where all my feelings about her, feelings I could articulate and even feelings I couldn't really give words to, that were just feelings, and feel where they were residing in my body. Immediately I could feel them in my lower throat area. Not fully in my chest, but just right above my stomach and heart area, just right below my vocal chords. THAT is where all the feelings were. Which was interesting since I never really felt like I was able to say things to her that I really wanted to... for a lot of years there were things that I wanted to talk with her about, that I just never did talk with her about because of the walls that she had up about the certain topics. There were actually several topics that I remember I was really frustrated about at the time, but I can't even fully remember.
However, there were lots of feelings that were just there and sitting there. Things I didn't even have words for... I just know in that area below my vocal chords it was tight and bound up.
So we started to work on it together. And when I say that I say that in my mind's eye I could see that I needed to take those feelings out and put them in the "Jesus Bag" (I've told about that exercise before). When I knew I needed to take them out with the rope that was tied to them and put them in the Jesus Bag immediately I actually responded very hesitantly.
Here I was with my mom, finally addressing things that I wanted to address for a while. I wanted privacy in it! I wanted quality time! I wanted to do this work with her alone so I could just be with her because I miss her and I want my momma.
But my mom was so sweet, she just communicated with me that we couldn't do it without Jesus. It took me several minutes to allow my feelings to open and let Him come. He was IMMEDIATELY available to me and immediately there. But guess how thoughtful He is? The first thing He said was, "Andrea, I know you want your time. I'll just be over here while you work on this together and I'll be ready whenever you are." He knew how I was feeling.
So I started to release the feelings in that area of my body by moving the "cord of feeling" from my body and I pulled it out in a continuous string until it got to Jesus's bag. And you know what happened? It started moving UP! The feeling moved from that area and started moving UP in my body, to my vocal chords, then right above them, then right at the back of my tongue... etc. As we kept pulling on the string/cord that had all the feelings in it the feeling kept getting higher and higher and started coming out of my mouth.
At one point my mom was pulling in the cord because I just sat there. She was pulling on it with so much energy and moving it out me SO QUICKLY. She didn't want that in there and residing in my. She wanted it out of my body. She was moving out of me with lightening speed. It was amazing and she was moving it right to the Jesus bag.
At one point I kept getting interrupted by Joshua. And of course my mom, understanding the essence of motherhood and how she always wanted me to be available to my family, she just paused and waited. Then every time I closed my eyes and we resumed right where we left off. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It felt really good.
I wasn't able to move it all out of me. We stopped about when the feeling was at the middle of my mouth area. Then I was getting interrupted too much. She just said, "We'll work on it more tomorrow." Then she and Jesus just sat and watched me for a minute while I hugged and helped Joshua, then it felt like they left together... knowing that we would continue the "session" at another time.
It was BEAUTIFUL. And so healing. I needed it. I needed the time with her. I needed to know how willing she was to address things that never were addressed and had lodged in my system. In her physical state there were certain topics and feelings that she just couldn't address. But it feels like she can now. She knows there's healing to be done in that way and I'm excited to see what else needs to come out and how else it can be healed.
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