Dear Kids,
It's interesting, how close we feel to those on the other side. I have felt Mimi and Shayla so much since they passed, but in reality I didn't have a really close relationship with my grandma. She always loved me. We were always welcome in her house. I remember playing hide and seek, playing with her music boxes, going to her house for food and gathering as a family, but I don't remember a lot of times that she reached out to me to be with me. She had a lot of anger toward people and she had a lot of forgiving to do. I hope that the last few days before she passed away, when she was not coherent, that she had a chance to meet with Jesus and go through the things in her heart a little bit before she passed through the veil.
It is a good lesson to learn. She didn't do much to cultivate relationships on her own, she always welcomed us when we came over, but she didn't reach out hardly at all. That has been difficult over the years because of losing my other grandparents when I was so young. And you know, it's interesting to think about it because ever since she and my Grandpa left the church, that is when it really started to pull into themselves without reaching out.
You all know how that feels to lose a close grandparent when you are young since Mimi passed away. You were all close to her and she always reached out to you and made sure to send you gifts, called you on special days, she was reaching out in every way that was in her personal power, especially when she was so ill. It is so important to have grandparents who love you and reach out to you. I want to remember that for my grandchildren. That reaching out to them and remembering them is SO IMPORTANT.
But, I also try to look at the bright side as well. And that is that she always smiled at me, she always was happy to see me when we went over. She loved holding my babies when she was physically capable. I have her beautiful alto voice, whenever I sing anywhere in Idaho Falls when people have heard her sing, they say to me, "Your have your grandmothers amazing, rich, beautiful voice!". My dad, your papa, told me that he remembers going to different wards to listen to her sing, she was invited so many places to sing and sing and sing. And I'm so grateful that she passed that down to me. So grateful.
I miss my mom. A lot. I miss Shayla. A lot. I feel them and they talk to me. I have felt like my relationship with Shayla has just soared since she passed away and I'm SO GRATEFUL for that. I wonder if maybe I could work through my feelings and have a better relationship with my Grandma Kvarfordt as well now that she's on the other side and feeling better. I wonder. I think I might try that. And I think I have feelings I need to work through toward her as well, and I need to forgive her.
Going through so much death in one year is a heavy thing. Even though it was good for Grandma to go, it is still heavy. It is still a loss. And I want to honor those feelings because I think they are important to honor. I don't want to get stuck there, but I also realize that it doesn't do any good for anyone if they are buried inside of me. So I am going to work on that. I am going to work on forgiving my Grandma, I am going to ask for a better relationship with her. I am going to start to do more work on my heart with Jesus through this grief and make sure nothing is welling up inside of me that would cause anger or bitterness.
I love you kids. I know you have been to a lot of funerals this year. And I know that this year for you hasn't been easy either. You are all building muscle of resilience and understanding because of these experiences, and I want to make sure to hold space for your feelings inside of your personal experiences with it all.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
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