Dear Kids,
Wow... I can't believe that I haven't written for a month... but then I can believe it.
At the beginning of December I started to watch Shayla's little girls, Autumn and Summer. All of you have had so much fun with them and have been so happy that we've been able to hang out with them more. I told Talia that I would pay her to help me with them, and that has presented an amazing opportunity for her to be able to really bond with them, which is awesome. The other thing that has been beautiful about them being here is the way I've felt so connected to Shayla. She is around those girls all the time! She loves them so much! The first day that I put Summer down for a nap and she rested on my shoulder, I could feel Shayla put her hand on Summer's back and help me settle her down and I just cried and cried. It was beautiful. I miss Shayla so much!
I was telling your dad the other day that it's amazing to me how much time it takes to take care of little people! Now that my youngest is 5 years old, I am starting to go into another phase of parenting, and having another 5 year old and a 20 month old around has added an element of busy-ness that I have forgotten about until being involved in it again. Littles are just a lot of work!
But it's the best work in the world. Kids I want you to remember that there are SO MANY FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS when you spend time and raise children under 5 years old. I am being reminded of really how many layers of skills are taught to a child from the time they are a baby until they are 5 years old. It's amazing to me the foundational work it takes, the energy it takes, and the exhaustion that it causes.
But really truly, it is the best work in the world.
The time I spent with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU when you were really little was worth it. The time I spent with you being involved in every move I made - when I was loading the dishwasher and you wanted to be part of it and help me with every moment, the foundational skills of just putting your dirty clothes in the hamper (even though so often it seems like you forgot that skills with dirty clothes everywhere :-) ha!), the prayers that we say together, the reading that I did with you everyday with each of you sitting on my lap and listening to me read the same book to you over and over and over again (you never got tired of your favorite books!), when you would get mad and throw fits and I would have to take you to a time out, when you would touch something that you shouldn't and setting boundaries with you by squeezing your hand (and having to do that over and over again as well).
Something I don't feel like I was prepared for when I became a parent was the amount of repetition that happened with so many things over and over again. Those foundational building blocks that teach you so much when you are just young. The kindness that we show to each other, learning how to talk kindly and ask politely, learning how to listen and be patient, learning how to obey immediately, looking at each other in the eyes, responding correctly... so many foundational skills. There were lots of times when you were all so young that I had no idea if I was making any kind of a difference, but looking back on it, it is ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Those foundational years are years that you will never have back with your children. They seem so insignificant, when in reality they are EXTREMELY significant, inside of all the building blocks for the rest of your life.
There are lots of things that I have done right and that I have done wrong as a mother. But something I know is that I am trying to learn from all of them, all the moments I can, I'm trying to learn from them as much as I can in order to be a little bit better everyday.
When you have your own children and you are "stuck" in the mundane and "boring" parts of parenting, the repetition of small skills that have to happen over and over again, the schedule that happens over and over again... it can seem so tedious and monotonous, but believe me it is worth all the energy. And sometimes your humanity takes over and you just get tired of all the energy output... and that's okay. Sometimes you lose your patience and the mom monster comes out and you have no idea that it was even a part of your soul before it shows up for the first time... but remember that we ALL have those moments and you just have to keep learning from them. Keep learning from the moments that build on each other.
These are all the things that I've been thinking and pondering on since watching the little girls. Just thinking so much about all of you when you were all so young and when I was putting foundational skills and love into you and your development and I had no idea how important it REALLY was. I always knew how much I wanted to be a mom, but I had no idea what it would teach me about EVERYTHING.
Growing a family is like a garden. It's the perfect analogy for it. Everyday you have to weed it, pay attention to it, leave it alone to just soak in the sun, nurture it, and be SO PATIENT to really see the results.
When you are parents, keep your perspective. You can do it! You will be amazing parents, all of you! You all have amazing strengths and all of you have your weaknesses that will be refined as you experience so many things in life. But remember that your mom ALWAYS believes in you, no matter what!
I love you,
Your Mom
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