Aunt LaRue's Funeral

 Dear Kids, 

I went to the funeral for my Aunt LaRue a couple weeks ago. I just headed up to Idaho Falls quickly for the day. I had to go support. 

Let me explain where she was in the family. 

Mimi - Her mom was Connie McCrary Connell - Your Great Grandma.

Aunt LaRue was your Great Grandma Connie's sister. 

Jennifer Berrett Tanner is my cousin - her mom is Peggy Berrett (the picture is of me and Jennifer, I love her!). Peggy was LaRue's daughter. I lived with them after my mission while I went to massage therapy school. And I roomed with Jennifer in college. Peggy really is like an adopted mom. I love her so much. 

LaRue lived to be like 96 years old. 

We went to LaRue's house for Thanksgivings. I remember being in her basement and fighting with cousins down there. I remember running around her yard in the summer. I remember she adopted our family after Grandma and Grandpa passed away. I really relate to her even more because she knew what it meant to lose a sister too young. 

When I went to her funeral I saw a bunch of cousins I hadn't seen for years. LaRue was an AMAZING grandma. Her grandkids (Jennifer was one of them) all talked about how she would ALWAYS show up for things. She and her hubby Joe would always show up to "grandparents day" at school. All her grandkids gave her tribute for keeping their family together. One of the greatest phrases from the funeral was, "I know what God's love feels like... it feels like grandma's house."

All her grandkids are all adults with their own kids now. She left quite a legacy. 

As I was sitting there I felt jealousy and I felt frustrated. I didn't get all these memories with my grandparents, on either side. My kids won't have those memories with their grandma. It was just so RIGHT to have her pass away so elderly. She did what she needed to do. She was ready to go home. 

too many people leave too early. It feels like that a lot of times. 

I know in God's economy that nothing is out of place. And I trust God. I really do. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I get to work through those emotions of hurt and anger about what I didn't get to experience. 

But the positive thing that really came from being there was being able to support. EVERYONE thanked me for being there (I was the only one there together with papa). They were all so grateful that I came. I'm so glad I made the effort. It's ALWAYS worth the effort to support ALWAYS. Don't ever forget that. SHOW UP. Just show up. 

I also kept saying to myself, "I have longevity in my line! My great grandma lived to be 103. LaRue lived to be 96... I have longevity in my line! My grandparents on the Kvarfordt side lived to be over 80 as well. I can do this! I can have another good 40 years left in my life at least! There's so much I can do. My life is only half way through!"

That felt good. That felt right. That felt like an affirmation to feed myself. To feed my soul. 

I'm glad I went. It was hard. It was good. It was emotional. And it was the right things to do. Sometimes life just isn't fair. That is the truth. AND we aren't victims either. Work through your emotions and work through your hurt, any kind of hurt in your heart. BUT don't live there. Don't wallow in it. Learn from it and move through it and then become a better person because of it. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Thanksgiving and Grief During The Holidays

 Dear Kids, 

We went to Idaho for Thanksgiving, it was awesome to be up there with everyone. (picture of Talia with Esti holding Kalea's twins over Thanksgiving)

There were a lot of great things about it and a lot of hard things about it. I loved being in my childhood home with dad there. I loved that cousins were there playing together. I loved feeling the feelings of Christmas together. I loved seeing all of you play with Kalea's twin babies. I loved helping with the littles. I loved setting up the dinner so everyone enjoyed it. I loved playing games and talking and laughing. 

There were a lot of hard things about it as well. We had to start going through deciding "who got what". It took a really long time and we aren't done yet. It's exhausting to go through "stuff". It's exhausting to think about all the change. It's exhausting to think of what dad will choose to do with his life. It was really hard to not have the Merrell kids there and to have the understanding that we won't see them very much from here on out. Our family is on the back burner for them and it's REALLY hard. I miss Shayla's kids. You all miss your cousins. It's just difficult. The holidays this year are MUCH harder than last year. We still had the "bubble" around us of protection through the holidays last year and I was very busy taking care of Papa and helping with lots of things. I was distracted from the emotions of the holidays last year. Not this year. It's all hitting me square in the face. 

I saw a facebook post about grief around the holidays and it's perfect:

"Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. ⁣

You can be thankful for what remains and still be sad for what is lost.⁣

⁣

You might hear some folks tell you to be grateful. To stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you have.⁣

⁣

That's just rude.⁣

⁣

Grief and gratitude exist side by side.⁣

They're companions, not opposites.⁣

⁣

PS: If you're supporting a grieving friend, don't "prescribe" gratitude.⁣

You can ask your friend how they feel about this gratitude-based season. Be curious about how gratitude shows up in their life. About what it's like to not feel it if they don't.⁣

⁣

It's OK if your person doesn't feel grateful. Pushing gratitude doesn't take away pain.⁣

Support them inside their sadness without trying to fix it. ⁣

⁣

Listen.⁣

Acknowledge.⁣

Don't fix.⁣"

I just thought it was perfect. THIS thought is exactly how I was feeling through Thanksgiving, and I'm SURE it's how I will feel during Christmas as well. 

I know each of you had various degrees of a hard time as well. 

Talia - you are really missing Mimi during girl times. You LOVED watching Hallmark Christmas movies with her and you cried with Esti a couple of times about how much you both missed her. You spent time switching out the plates in the hutch and you really missed her while you were doing that. 

Gabriel - you missed her when you were talking about how much you don't want to have papa get rid of the house. You said, "Mom... where are we going to be able to gather with our cousins?? We just can't go anywhere else!". You told Papa that, and I think he really started thinking about the effect of the house on everyone. 

Elijah - you are very hard to read with your emotions about things like this. You bury your feelings a lot and you don't really know how to talk about it. I think because your feelings are SO BIG it's hard for you to describe what's going on inside of you. I know you miss the way she would specifically tease you. You will say things like "Mimi would have thought that was funny". 

Joshua - you are just still so involved in the spiritual world. You always have Mimi as part of your prayers at night, you always pray for her to be your guardian angel. I know you feel her close. You feel like she's just around. 

I love you kids. So much. 

Your Mom

Shayla Talking To Me While Working Out

 Dear Kids, 

This morning I had an experience with Shayla, I had to write it down. 

It's been discouraging to exercise lately. My body is definitely different than it has been for years, I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm aching. The fact that I haven't eaten well doesn't help either! I can definitely do better with my eating. 

I have had a yo-yo up and down with healthy living for several years. It's interesting when you know my background with it too. I used to compete in races. I loved racing. I loved doing sprint tri-athlons. I loved working out, eating raw food, being as healthy as possible. I really thrived on it. When I married your dad I relaxed a bit because we had such different ways of eating, but I was able to remain healthy. It helped a lot when I had all my babies and there were ups and downs getting "my body back", but I was able to do it. I was always working with herbs and natural medicine, and started the herbal business "Natural Medicine Mama's" with Mimi and we were doing really well. I had A LOT of confidence in my lifestyle choices. 

I think I've written about this before, so if it's a repeat, forgive me... however the background of this experience with Shayla today is what makes it even more poignant. I really slumped with everything "Natural" and "Healthy" after my mom (Mimi) got sick. She had a silent heart attack and at the same time, the tumor in her stomach kept growing and she kept getting more ill. It's like it took all the foundation of my belief in everything "natural" out from under me. Mom had always been super healthy, gardening, herbs, eating well, no sugar, all the things. And she still got ill. it's like I had subconsciously told myself that if I did what she did I would have a healthy life. 

When she got ill and went downhill and we had to take care of her for those 4-5 years, I slumped BIG TIME. I remember having thoughts like, "She did everything healthy and natural and she's still declining... so why should I care? I might as well have this big bowl of ice cream and everything else." I had other thoughts like, "Living with herbs and everything natural is just a bunch of crap. It doesn't matter. Dad has eaten horribly for years, has been using pharmaceuticals for a long time, and he's the one that's outliving mom." 

So for the last 4-5 years I just have yo-yo'd big time. I will KNOW in my head that I need to do better. I'll do really well for a couple of weeks and start to feel really well, and then I will just go right back again. I've NEVER done this in my life. I have always been the person with A LOT of self control, this part of me has shown up and it's been hard to figure out. 

since we've been at Krista's house I've been trying to exercise and do better, but again, I've been yo-yoing a lot. Exercising is difficult and I'm slower than I ever have been in my life. My body is achy and I'm not running at all like I used to. I'm not light on my feet anymore and I am really feeling it. 

So I started exercising again this morning, and I was starting to sweat, it felt really good. Then all of sudden I had the thought of Shayla, in her wheelchair, with tumors blowing up all over her body. I had the flashback of how she couldn't do anything and she wanted to so much. I felt her REALLY strongly RIGHT there with me as I was running on the treadmill. I thought, "Of course I would feel you here Shayla, you loved this!" Shayla REALLY loved working out and finding her soul in sweating and running and staying active. I LOVED feeling her close to me as I was exercising. Then I heard her say, "Andrea, you have a beautiful body, it isn't done. Don't give up on it." 

It just hit me so hard. Don't give up on my body. It has served me so well. I have A LOT left in my life to live for and to do. Don't give up on my body! I started BAWLING. I needed to hear that from her so much. Hearing it from Shayla meant more than hearing it from anyone else. I thought to myself that I want to ask her for help on this yo-yo journey of finding my belief in all things natural again. I want her to help me with sugar addiction. I want her to be part of it with me. I need that from her. And I know she would like to help me with it. It's something you would do together with your sister :-) - That makes me smile. 

I miss her so much. A LOT. I miss everything about her. It's hard to move on and try to figure it all out. I miss Mimi too. I will figure out ways of connecting with Mimi while she's on the other side of the veil. I haven't found a lot of them yet - all the times that I have felt her close has been when I've been admiring YOU. She loved you. She loved being a mom and being a grandma. When I take moments to just be with you and I am admiring everything about all of you, I feel Mimi really close. When I have joy in my motherhood, Mimi is close by. 

I love you kids. I love you a lot. I hope that as you read these different experiences from me that they will help your life. I love each of you so much. 

I love you, 

Your Mom