Dear Kids,
We went to Idaho for Thanksgiving, it was awesome to be up there with everyone. (picture of Talia with Esti holding Kalea's twins over Thanksgiving)
There were a lot of great things about it and a lot of hard things about it. I loved being in my childhood home with dad there. I loved that cousins were there playing together. I loved feeling the feelings of Christmas together. I loved seeing all of you play with Kalea's twin babies. I loved helping with the littles. I loved setting up the dinner so everyone enjoyed it. I loved playing games and talking and laughing.
There were a lot of hard things about it as well. We had to start going through deciding "who got what". It took a really long time and we aren't done yet. It's exhausting to go through "stuff". It's exhausting to think about all the change. It's exhausting to think of what dad will choose to do with his life. It was really hard to not have the Merrell kids there and to have the understanding that we won't see them very much from here on out. Our family is on the back burner for them and it's REALLY hard. I miss Shayla's kids. You all miss your cousins. It's just difficult. The holidays this year are MUCH harder than last year. We still had the "bubble" around us of protection through the holidays last year and I was very busy taking care of Papa and helping with lots of things. I was distracted from the emotions of the holidays last year. Not this year. It's all hitting me square in the face.
I saw a facebook post about grief around the holidays and it's perfect:
"Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. You can be thankful for what remains and still be sad for what is lost.
You might hear some folks tell you to be grateful. To stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you have.
That's just rude.
Grief and gratitude exist side by side.
They're companions, not opposites.
PS: If you're supporting a grieving friend, don't "prescribe" gratitude.
You can ask your friend how they feel about this gratitude-based season. Be curious about how gratitude shows up in their life. About what it's like to not feel it if they don't.
It's OK if your person doesn't feel grateful. Pushing gratitude doesn't take away pain.
Support them inside their sadness without trying to fix it.
Listen.
Acknowledge.
Don't fix."
I just thought it was perfect. THIS thought is exactly how I was feeling through Thanksgiving, and I'm SURE it's how I will feel during Christmas as well.
I know each of you had various degrees of a hard time as well.
Talia - you are really missing Mimi during girl times. You LOVED watching Hallmark Christmas movies with her and you cried with Esti a couple of times about how much you both missed her. You spent time switching out the plates in the hutch and you really missed her while you were doing that.
Gabriel - you missed her when you were talking about how much you don't want to have papa get rid of the house. You said, "Mom... where are we going to be able to gather with our cousins?? We just can't go anywhere else!". You told Papa that, and I think he really started thinking about the effect of the house on everyone.
Elijah - you are very hard to read with your emotions about things like this. You bury your feelings a lot and you don't really know how to talk about it. I think because your feelings are SO BIG it's hard for you to describe what's going on inside of you. I know you miss the way she would specifically tease you. You will say things like "Mimi would have thought that was funny".
Joshua - you are just still so involved in the spiritual world. You always have Mimi as part of your prayers at night, you always pray for her to be your guardian angel. I know you feel her close. You feel like she's just around.
I love you kids. So much.
Your Mom
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