Dear Kids,
This morning I had an experience with Shayla, I had to write it down.
It's been discouraging to exercise lately. My body is definitely different than it has been for years, I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm aching. The fact that I haven't eaten well doesn't help either! I can definitely do better with my eating.
I have had a yo-yo up and down with healthy living for several years. It's interesting when you know my background with it too. I used to compete in races. I loved racing. I loved doing sprint tri-athlons. I loved working out, eating raw food, being as healthy as possible. I really thrived on it. When I married your dad I relaxed a bit because we had such different ways of eating, but I was able to remain healthy. It helped a lot when I had all my babies and there were ups and downs getting "my body back", but I was able to do it. I was always working with herbs and natural medicine, and started the herbal business "Natural Medicine Mama's" with Mimi and we were doing really well. I had A LOT of confidence in my lifestyle choices.
I think I've written about this before, so if it's a repeat, forgive me... however the background of this experience with Shayla today is what makes it even more poignant. I really slumped with everything "Natural" and "Healthy" after my mom (Mimi) got sick. She had a silent heart attack and at the same time, the tumor in her stomach kept growing and she kept getting more ill. It's like it took all the foundation of my belief in everything "natural" out from under me. Mom had always been super healthy, gardening, herbs, eating well, no sugar, all the things. And she still got ill. it's like I had subconsciously told myself that if I did what she did I would have a healthy life.
When she got ill and went downhill and we had to take care of her for those 4-5 years, I slumped BIG TIME. I remember having thoughts like, "She did everything healthy and natural and she's still declining... so why should I care? I might as well have this big bowl of ice cream and everything else." I had other thoughts like, "Living with herbs and everything natural is just a bunch of crap. It doesn't matter. Dad has eaten horribly for years, has been using pharmaceuticals for a long time, and he's the one that's outliving mom."
So for the last 4-5 years I just have yo-yo'd big time. I will KNOW in my head that I need to do better. I'll do really well for a couple of weeks and start to feel really well, and then I will just go right back again. I've NEVER done this in my life. I have always been the person with A LOT of self control, this part of me has shown up and it's been hard to figure out.
since we've been at Krista's house I've been trying to exercise and do better, but again, I've been yo-yoing a lot. Exercising is difficult and I'm slower than I ever have been in my life. My body is achy and I'm not running at all like I used to. I'm not light on my feet anymore and I am really feeling it.
So I started exercising again this morning, and I was starting to sweat, it felt really good. Then all of sudden I had the thought of Shayla, in her wheelchair, with tumors blowing up all over her body. I had the flashback of how she couldn't do anything and she wanted to so much. I felt her REALLY strongly RIGHT there with me as I was running on the treadmill. I thought, "Of course I would feel you here Shayla, you loved this!" Shayla REALLY loved working out and finding her soul in sweating and running and staying active. I LOVED feeling her close to me as I was exercising. Then I heard her say, "Andrea, you have a beautiful body, it isn't done. Don't give up on it."
It just hit me so hard. Don't give up on my body. It has served me so well. I have A LOT left in my life to live for and to do. Don't give up on my body! I started BAWLING. I needed to hear that from her so much. Hearing it from Shayla meant more than hearing it from anyone else. I thought to myself that I want to ask her for help on this yo-yo journey of finding my belief in all things natural again. I want her to help me with sugar addiction. I want her to be part of it with me. I need that from her. And I know she would like to help me with it. It's something you would do together with your sister :-) - That makes me smile.
I miss her so much. A LOT. I miss everything about her. It's hard to move on and try to figure it all out. I miss Mimi too. I will figure out ways of connecting with Mimi while she's on the other side of the veil. I haven't found a lot of them yet - all the times that I have felt her close has been when I've been admiring YOU. She loved you. She loved being a mom and being a grandma. When I take moments to just be with you and I am admiring everything about all of you, I feel Mimi really close. When I have joy in my motherhood, Mimi is close by.
I love you kids. I love you a lot. I hope that as you read these different experiences from me that they will help your life. I love each of you so much.
I love you,
Your Mom
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