Thoughts for Elijah

 Dear Elijah, 

I need to write to just you today. 

I hope you know that I love you. You and I have been trying to figure each other out for your whole life. There are days when we are just in a flow together and it's beautiful. 

You have always been the child to bring me flowers :-). I love that about you. 

You have always been the child to come find me first for a morning hug after you wake up. I love that about you. 

You have always been the child who stands up for people, who makes sure to help the underdog. I love that about you. 

You have always been my child who has such a soft heart when someone gets a consequence. When Joshua has to finish his dinner to get ice cream, you are the one who sits by him to try and help him eat and not give up. I love that about you. 

You have a HIGH sense of fairness - and sometimes that gets us into trouble together. 

You want EVERYTHING to be exactly the way YOU think it should be, because it's the way you want to control the situations and make everything fair. 

Just today we got into a little disagreement because you did something where you had to run together with Joshua as a consequence, and you thought Talia should have to as well. You were SO MAD at me that I didn't "MAKE" Talia get the same consequence. You just were beside yourself that she wasn't running as well. You kept trying to argue with me and twist words around. 

You were trying to boss me around with making me parent the way YOU think I should. Because to you it seemed like it was the fair thing to do. 

There are a lot of times when you try to force my hand with parenting in a certain way and it's difficult for me. I have definitely lost my temper several times because you are RELENTLESS. That is another thing about you that I love, your determination, but you are sometimes pushy about the wrong things that you really can't control.

I want you to know Elijah - that I love your strength. Remember to use it for things that are UNDER YOUR CONTROL.

You can't control other people. You can only control yourself. 

You can't control other's decisions. You can only control your own decisions. 

You can't control other's emotions. You can only control your own emotions. 

And guess what? You get to practice this your whole life. I am still practicing this. When you become a dad you are going to learn these lessons in a way you never thought possible because your kids are going to push your buttons more than you can imagine. They give you LOTS of opportunity for spiritual growth!

Just like all my kids give me that opportunity. You help me spiritually grow. 

Today when we had the disagreement I am SO GRATEFUL to say that I was able to control my own emotions. When you were spewing anger at me and frustration, I didn't retaliate. I'm SO GRATEFUL for the spirit's help to do that. I was praying the whole time you were upset for the spirit to help me to NOT get upset back at you. And it worked!

I love you so much buddy. Even when we disagree. Even when I do things that you get frustrated with. I love your strength and abilities. Please use them for good! Please DON'T BE A VICTIM TO OTHER PEOPLE!~

Remember that. DON'T BE A VICTIM. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

If I Die Suddenly - Here Are My Thoughts

 Dear Kids, 

I just saw a post on facebook about a mom I know that recently and suddenly died of a brain aneurism. 

She was 46 years old. 

Same age as me right now. 

I just got stuck looking at her obituary and I started to feel super heavy feelings in my heart. "that's my age. I could have a brain aneurism tonight. My kids could never see me alive again. What if that were to happen."

I started asking myself some questions... would my kids know how much I love them? Would Brent know how deeply I feel for him? Would my family know how I feel about them? Would my kids be prepared? Have I left enough memories for them?

So many thoughts swirling. 

Because of that I wanted to write in my journal - so if anything like that happens suddenly that you have some thoughts from me about it. 

If I ever die suddenly I want you to know some very important things:

1. I love my Savior and I love my Heavenly Parents. If I die suddenly and go back to my heaven-home, know that I will be very well taken care of there. I will use the power I have as an angel to come back to you. I will come be with you all the time. I will constantly be trying to lead you and talk to you with the power of the Holy Ghost, especially since angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost (2 Ne. 32). Just think about talking to me, and I'll be there. If you hear me speaking back to you in your head and in your mind, BELIEVE that it is actually me and we can STILL have conversations together.

2. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I have made plenty mistakes as a mom. But one mistake I HAVEN'T made is not spending time with you.  Choosing to spend as much time with you as I can has been one of the smartest things as a mom I ever could have done. I have dedicated my motherhood to being with you. Your dad has sacrificed so much time and effort with working so I CAN STAY HOME WITH YOU. That's how important all of you are to us. We are taking seriously the counsel for the mom to stay home and nurture and teach children. 

2.5 = I have done a lot of things right as a mom. I have loved you with my whole soul. I have laughed with you and at your jokes. I've played with you on the ground, in the sand, in the ocean, on the mountain tops, on the hiking trails, in the backyard... we've had so many amazing experiences together. I've taught you to serve with your whole heart, we've done service for countless amounts of people. We've painted together and taken long drives in the car just in order to listen to books together. We've played at all kinds of parks together and spent time with family and friends as MUCH as we can. I've taught you how to work, to do chores, how to clean the toilet, dust wash the dishes, plant seeds, watch things grow. We've done tea time Tuesday together and read countless stories. We've had adventures together and we've kept those memories alive in our family chatbooks. I've read scriptures with you daily (mostly! ha!), we've talked about Come Follow Me, I've born my testimony of Jesus. I've prayed with you over and over and over again. I've gone to the temple hundreds of times and put your names on the prayer rolls over and over. I've made thousands of meals and probably even more desserts! And I've LOVED EVERY MOMENT TOGETHER WITH YOU.

3. I would ask you to please forgive me for anything I have done wrong. And I am SO SORRY for ANYTHING that I have done that might have been difficult for you. I'm so sorry, please forgive me for being human and making mistakes. Please find peace in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and know I did my best, and when I made mistakes I asked you to forgive me and said I was sorry. There are so many people I know that get so bitter toward their parents. I would just ask you to be kind in your thoughts about your dad and I. We really have done the best we know how. You get to take everything we have done for you, and then pass on all the good stuff to your kids. 

4. I KNOW the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the Restored Church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I know Priesthood covenants are real and powerful and necessary. Go to the temple. Make covenants. Strive each day to be a little better than the day before, and then keep turning to Jesus for wholeness.

5. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOUR DAD SO MUCH. I feel so deeply and passionately for your father. He is SUCH a good man with a good heart, deep thoughts, rich emotions and has done the best he knows how as a dad. I love you and he loves you and NEVER EVER FORGET IT. 

Oh my kids - I HOPE I don't leave you early. I hope that the Lord sees fit to keep me here with you to grow old with you and be a grandma to your children. 

And no matter what the future looks like, no matter what the plan looks like for me in my life, or you in your life, I also KNOW that God knows best. Sometimes trusting Him is really hard. But I KNOW He knows best. Have faith. Always have faith in the Lord. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom (your FOREVER MOTHER)

Joshua's Strength: Compliments!

 Dear Kids, 

Joshua - I had a magic moment today with you! I thought to myself, "that is going in the journal stories today."

You were doing some copywork and I was watching you. I said, 'you are doing so great with writing buddy! I like how you are putting dashes in where the spaces need to be. That is very smart."

Then you said this, "Mom, you taught me that! You are teaching me how to be smart because you are the

smartest, bestest mom in the world."

It just made my heart melt. Here you are, doing your best to do your part and be responsible with school, and you were just so complimentary. You have a GIFT for compliments! That is one of the BEST things you do, you make people around you feel so good about themselves, it is a strength of yours, that is for sure!

Thank you for including me in those gifts of compliments. I love hearing your sweet thoughts and I appreciate how positive you are. 

Thank you for showing me how to be a better person. 

I love you buddy, 

Your mom

Easter 2023 & Traditions

 Dear Kids, 

Last week was Easter. Oh my goodness it was so beautiful! 

We were told in Conference from President Nelson that Easter is the MOST important holiday for us as disciples of Jesus Christ. Your dad and I have done several thing in order to hopefully help you all know how much we love Jesus.

Some of our Easter traditions are:

-Talking about the events of Jesus's life the week before He was crucified. Each day we hang up a picture and read the scriptures that go along with that day.

-Easter Morning get up and watch the sunrise while having "Resurrection Donuts"! This year the sunrise was so beautiful! I just couldn't believe it. This picture shows just a little bit of what this really looked like. The kids were grumbling as they got out of bed, but once we got up on the mountain they were all so happy that we did it! Elijah was funny, he kept waiting for the sun to come up over the mountain and finally just blurted out, "Come on sun! Just pop out already!". 

-While waiting for the sun to rise we read scriptures from the different accounts in the Bible about Jesus's Resurrection - then we sang "I Stand All Amazed". The spirit was awesome. 

-Of course Easter Sunday was wonderful with testimonies of Jesus for the talks. 

-Every year we do a Jesus Treasure Scavengar Hunt for their baskets. Your dad is amazing at putting together treasure hunts. His clues are always awesome. They always have Jesus in them and the story of Jesus and feelings about Jesus in the clues. 

-Then of course we love having Easter Dinner with Ham and Funeral potatoes. :-)

-Easter Egg hunt is on the list - it's full of lots of sugar, but you guys always really love it. 

I feel like in the future I really want our Easter traditions to expand. This year we were with the Wanlass family for part of the Easter week and they did a Passover Dinner on the floor. I REALLY loved that and I want to include that in our traditions. Finding the ways to honor the Jewish experience is on the list of things that I want to include for sure. 

The other thing is MUSIC. We need more music at Easter Time! Next year we need to find ways to include "Lamb of God" into our traditions. 

I love you kids. 

I hope you know that Jesus is the most important person to your dad and I. We love Him. We love to celebrate HIM. 

Love you, 

Your Mom

Mimi, Lost Underwear, Being Like Her

 Dear Kids, 

A story hit me tonight. 

I had to go to Walmart to pick up some new underwear for Joshua. He only has like 4 pairs left and we have no idea where the rest have ended up. I finally took the time tonight to go and get some. 

On the way into the store Joshua was holding my hand and talking about how he has "no idea where all his underwear went!". He then proceeded to talk about how maybe his basket ate them, or maybe his dresser hid them away. 

Then he said this, "Or maybe it was Mimi and she was playing jokes on my to spend time with me!"

I laughed and looked at him. Then I teared up. I said, "Maybe buddy, maybe that's what happened."

I just hit me like a ton of bricks that he won't have memories of Mimi like everyone else has. It made me really sad. And a little angry. I thought for a split second, "Dang it mom! Why did you die?? What about all these kids here who need you??". 

Then there was a reassuring little 'pat on the back' that I felt very briefly, then it left. 

I haven't felt Mimi as much on the other side as I have felt Shayla. I feel like whenever I feel about or think about Shay, that she's right there beside me. I don't know why, but it isn't the same with mom. Maybe part of it is because I haven't talked to her as much as Shay, or if there's something in my heart that is preventing it. I don't know. But I do know that I want more interactions with her. 

I wish it really was her that was taking the underwear just to spend time with Joshua. I want her here with us, but she's gone, and I wish she wasn't. 

All the wishing I can do is in vain however. I won't get her back until I see her again on the other side. It makes me happy for that day, anxious, and also a little depressed because it feels so far away in so many ways. 

Joshy - I wish you had more time with Mimi. You mainly spent time with her while she was ill, you only knew her when she was sick. But she LOVED you buddy, she still does. She loves you so much. She loves all of you kids. She loves you so much. She lived to just be a mom and a grandma. I'm so grateful that I grew up with a mom that was dedicated. 

In so many ways, I wish I could be more like her. But whenever I have that thought, I immediately feel her actually, reminding me that we aren't the same. Our personalities have always been very different and that's okay. I know the way that I am the MOST like her is that I LOVE YOU ALL and I have sacrificed the things of this world in order to be with you. I want to just be your mom, and in that way I am exactly like her. 

I love you kids. I hope you remember how much your Mimi loves you as well. She is your true guardian angel. 

Your Mom