Mimi, Lost Underwear, Being Like Her

 Dear Kids, 

A story hit me tonight. 

I had to go to Walmart to pick up some new underwear for Joshua. He only has like 4 pairs left and we have no idea where the rest have ended up. I finally took the time tonight to go and get some. 

On the way into the store Joshua was holding my hand and talking about how he has "no idea where all his underwear went!". He then proceeded to talk about how maybe his basket ate them, or maybe his dresser hid them away. 

Then he said this, "Or maybe it was Mimi and she was playing jokes on my to spend time with me!"

I laughed and looked at him. Then I teared up. I said, "Maybe buddy, maybe that's what happened."

I just hit me like a ton of bricks that he won't have memories of Mimi like everyone else has. It made me really sad. And a little angry. I thought for a split second, "Dang it mom! Why did you die?? What about all these kids here who need you??". 

Then there was a reassuring little 'pat on the back' that I felt very briefly, then it left. 

I haven't felt Mimi as much on the other side as I have felt Shayla. I feel like whenever I feel about or think about Shay, that she's right there beside me. I don't know why, but it isn't the same with mom. Maybe part of it is because I haven't talked to her as much as Shay, or if there's something in my heart that is preventing it. I don't know. But I do know that I want more interactions with her. 

I wish it really was her that was taking the underwear just to spend time with Joshua. I want her here with us, but she's gone, and I wish she wasn't. 

All the wishing I can do is in vain however. I won't get her back until I see her again on the other side. It makes me happy for that day, anxious, and also a little depressed because it feels so far away in so many ways. 

Joshy - I wish you had more time with Mimi. You mainly spent time with her while she was ill, you only knew her when she was sick. But she LOVED you buddy, she still does. She loves you so much. She loves all of you kids. She loves you so much. She lived to just be a mom and a grandma. I'm so grateful that I grew up with a mom that was dedicated. 

In so many ways, I wish I could be more like her. But whenever I have that thought, I immediately feel her actually, reminding me that we aren't the same. Our personalities have always been very different and that's okay. I know the way that I am the MOST like her is that I LOVE YOU ALL and I have sacrificed the things of this world in order to be with you. I want to just be your mom, and in that way I am exactly like her. 

I love you kids. I hope you remember how much your Mimi loves you as well. She is your true guardian angel. 

Your Mom