Dear Kids,
I just saw a post on facebook about a mom I know that recently and suddenly died of a brain aneurism.
She was 46 years old.
Same age as me right now.
I just got stuck looking at her obituary and I started to feel super heavy feelings in my heart. "that's my age. I could have a brain aneurism tonight. My kids could never see me alive again. What if that were to happen."
I started asking myself some questions... would my kids know how much I love them? Would Brent know how deeply I feel for him? Would my family know how I feel about them? Would my kids be prepared? Have I left enough memories for them?
So many thoughts swirling.
Because of that I wanted to write in my journal - so if anything like that happens suddenly that you have some thoughts from me about it.
If I ever die suddenly I want you to know some very important things:
1. I love my Savior and I love my Heavenly Parents. If I die suddenly and go back to my heaven-home, know that I will be very well taken care of there. I will use the power I have as an angel to come back to you. I will come be with you all the time. I will constantly be trying to lead you and talk to you with the power of the Holy Ghost, especially since angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost (2 Ne. 32). Just think about talking to me, and I'll be there. If you hear me speaking back to you in your head and in your mind, BELIEVE that it is actually me and we can STILL have conversations together.
2. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I have made plenty mistakes as a mom. But one mistake I HAVEN'T made is not spending time with you. Choosing to spend as much time with you as I can has been one of the smartest things as a mom I ever could have done. I have dedicated my motherhood to being with you. Your dad has sacrificed so much time and effort with working so I CAN STAY HOME WITH YOU. That's how important all of you are to us. We are taking seriously the counsel for the mom to stay home and nurture and teach children.
2.5 = I have done a lot of things right as a mom. I have loved you with my whole soul. I have laughed with you and at your jokes. I've played with you on the ground, in the sand, in the ocean, on the mountain tops, on the hiking trails, in the backyard... we've had so many amazing experiences together. I've taught you to serve with your whole heart, we've done service for countless amounts of people. We've painted together and taken long drives in the car just in order to listen to books together. We've played at all kinds of parks together and spent time with family and friends as MUCH as we can. I've taught you how to work, to do chores, how to clean the toilet, dust wash the dishes, plant seeds, watch things grow. We've done tea time Tuesday together and read countless stories. We've had adventures together and we've kept those memories alive in our family chatbooks. I've read scriptures with you daily (mostly! ha!), we've talked about Come Follow Me, I've born my testimony of Jesus. I've prayed with you over and over and over again. I've gone to the temple hundreds of times and put your names on the prayer rolls over and over. I've made thousands of meals and probably even more desserts! And I've LOVED EVERY MOMENT TOGETHER WITH YOU.
3. I would ask you to please forgive me for anything I have done wrong. And I am SO SORRY for ANYTHING that I have done that might have been difficult for you. I'm so sorry, please forgive me for being human and making mistakes. Please find peace in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and know I did my best, and when I made mistakes I asked you to forgive me and said I was sorry. There are so many people I know that get so bitter toward their parents. I would just ask you to be kind in your thoughts about your dad and I. We really have done the best we know how. You get to take everything we have done for you, and then pass on all the good stuff to your kids.
4. I KNOW the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the Restored Church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I know Priesthood covenants are real and powerful and necessary. Go to the temple. Make covenants. Strive each day to be a little better than the day before, and then keep turning to Jesus for wholeness.
Oh my kids - I HOPE I don't leave you early. I hope that the Lord sees fit to keep me here with you to grow old with you and be a grandma to your children.
And no matter what the future looks like, no matter what the plan looks like for me in my life, or you in your life, I also KNOW that God knows best. Sometimes trusting Him is really hard. But I KNOW He knows best. Have faith. Always have faith in the Lord.
I love you kids,
Your Mom (your FOREVER MOTHER)
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