I Will Always Want You

Dear Natalia,

You brought your 'sugar and spice' to my life almost 6 months ago. I can't believe it! How did 6 months go by already? I am sure that I am going to ask myself that question many times throughout your life with me :-).

What I want to tell you today is a story about you.

When I found out that I was pregnant again, it completely shocked me. We were not in the position to have another baby and our 'plans' for having another baby weren't for another year at least. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed, and I had the feelings of "How are we going to do this?".

Well, about 4 months into my pregnancy with you I had the most amazing experience. I was standing in the shower one day, just thinking again about why we got pregnant NOW. Then, you were there. You were very sad... you said to me, "Mom, you were so excited for Gabe... why aren't you excited for me?". You let me taste a little bit of your celestial feelings, that you were just as excited to come here, to this earth, to our family, to ME.

Then you left....But I hadn't shown the same to you.

I started to sob. I felt TERRIBLE. I can still feel that sinking in my heart having that experience. I made up my mind that I was going to be just has happy for you as I was for Gabe...

Now you are here. Our Father in Heaven did not want to let you go. When I had a blessing before you were born, I was told that He was going to miss you terribly and that He was literally giving you to me from His arms, almost ripping you from Him because of how much He loves you. You have an extreme relationship with Him, and I know we are going to be blown away by your spirit the more you show.

You are our 'sugar and spice'. And always remember that I want you. I am so excited you are here. When you were placed on my chest for the first time I just cried... I was elated and ecstatic. I always want you... just as much as I wanted Gabe.

I love you,

Your Mom

(Fall 2010)

Loving in the Woman World

Dear Natalia,

So I have started a raw food cleanse and diet for January - and I am loving every minute of it! I have done this about 3 other times, so I already know the results I am looking for. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, "I am so excited to see my body after this month..."

All the while you were sitting next to me, smiling at me and loving me just the way I am.

If we grown up women could remember to look at each other, the way our baby girls look at us, we would have much less contention, jealousy and gossipping in the woman world. I looked at you and said, "You don't care what I look like, because you can see my soul for who I am." What an amazing reminder for me.

So I looked back in the mirror and smiled, remembering to love myself and be gentle.

To all the women out there - remember to look at other women in your life today with a baby's eyes. Look at your mom and love her. Look at your sisters and love them. Look at your neighbor and love her. No more gossipping, contention, jealousy....In the woman world, we must remember to really 'look and see' each other for who we are and get rid of everything else.

Remember Talia, you will always be a beautiful woman.

I love you,

Your Mom (written Feb. 2011)

What Daddy's Teach

Dear Natalia,

Be so grateful for an amazing daddy.

There is so much we women learn from our dad's about just being a woman. Your dad ADORES you. He will always adore you. Just like your grandpa will always adore me, my sisters and his granddaughters.

I learned from my dad how a man should treat me, talk to me, love me, respect me, honor me, cherish me, protect me, provide for me... so many things! Because of all those lessons I learned from my dad, it helped me to really understand how to be feminine and love it.

Your dad is already teaching you what you are going to expect from men that you date, you hang out with and eventually the man you marry. And I promise, it is a good example. There are going to be so many times in your life that you will be more open to listening to your dad than to me. And even though I probably won't like it, I will know it is the best because it is teaching you even more how to be a woman.

Your dad works so hard for you. He loves you... he adores you. Never allow yourself to expect anything less.

I love you,

Your Mom

(written Feb.2011)

Girls Work Hard Too

Dear Natalia,

Your dad took me to look at a greenhouse today that we are going to be able to work in this year. I am so excited! As we walked in I was instantly taken back to when I was living at home and very young.

I remember my mom coming and getting me out of bed to work in our garden. It was the summer time and I think I was like 6 years old or something. Needless to say I didn't want to go and work in the garden when I was that young AND that early in the morning. So I grumbled up, all the way out the door and all the way to the garden. Looking back, I am sure all of us kids did that more often than not.

There I was, early in the morning, picking weeds. I was less than enthusiastic. After a little while I looked up at my mom and said something about having dirty hands and getting a blister. Then she said something I will never forget...

"Andrea, girls work hard too. Look at my blisters. Look at my dirty hands."

Then she resumed her weeding and didn't say anything else. It was a great lesson for me. Whenever I get a blister, or scratch, or dirty from working hard in the garden, shoveling, weeding... I remember those words from my mom. Ironically, I smile now instead of whine. Shrug my shoulders and go back to work.

I am sure I will have a chance, more than once, to tell you that same thing. But don't you worry, someday you will look at your hands and smile when you think about it too.

I love you,

Your Mom

(written Jan. 2011)

Flash Forwards

Dear Natalia,

You just woke up from your nap and now you are sitting on my lap as I work on the computer. While sitting and working I just had a flash forward.

I can see you in my minds eye becoming a little toddler. Running around and laughing at the joys of life. Then I can see you becoming a little girl, wanting all the pretty dolls you see around you. Next I can see you becoming a young woman, beautiful and sassy... then you leave home.

This moment with you on my lap is just going to last for a second compared to the rest of our lives together, and eternity. There will be times when you won't want to be around me. There will be other times when you will call me crying and needing help. There will be many more times of joy, laughter and learning.

Oh what a beautiful moment it can be while just sitting at the computer.

I love you,

Your Mom

Having A Crying Baby

Dear Natalia,

Nothing stresses me out or frazzles my nerves more than hearing you cry, yell or complain. Seriously. My day was going great, then you started complaining, almost yelling at me. I picked you up, and it didn't help. You just kept crying. I felt my blood pressure just rising more and more and more. I wanted to pull my hair out. Gabriel asked me a question and I just got so irritated at him - for no reason at all. Learning patience as a mom is a hard thing sometimes.

But - the biggest thing that helps me during your crying times is a story I heard once. One of my friends told me this story about her sister, for this post lets just call her Heather.

Without going into too many details (because I sob when I think about it) - Heather had a baby that was just over a year old that drowned. They did everything they could to save her, but to no avail. When Heather got home from the hospital she had to go out on a walk and feel the sun on her face. While walking farther and farther, with tears streaming down her face, she noticed a mom walking with her baby on the other side of the street. The only thing Heather remembers is this mom who said to her baby, "Please STOP crying!"

As Heather tells the story the only thing she says after this point is,"I would do anything to just hear my baby cry again."

So when you cry, complain and yell - and I feel like pulling my hair out.... I sit down with you, cuddle you close and think, "I am so grateful that I have a baby that can cry."

I love you,

Your Mom (written fall 2010)

More Than Average

Dear Natalia,

So we went to the doctor a few days ago and they said you are too little. Your weight isn't 'average' and so we need to be watching you closely so that you can be closer to 'average'.

Well, I must be honest about this. I don't want you to be 'average'. Not in any sense of the word. Our world has become too accustomed to 'average'. Average jobs, average expectations, average schools, average relationships, average this, average that.

Never settle for just being 'average'. That is what I have to say. I will ALWAYS encourage you to push yourself and be YOU, not just the average. Push yourself in your abilities and always seek to be the best you absolutely can be. There are times where it might feel like you are just 'average', but no matter what, remember you are MORE!

Just like the quote says... 'It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us'. Remember.

And I love you more than average,

Your Mom

Chapters

Dear Natalia,

I believe everyone has chapters in their life. There are many chapters I have lived and will live. But I can't even say how thrilled I am that my chapter, right now, is to be with you.

Everyone has a different path to parenthood. For me becoming a parent, when I am a little older than the 'norm' (if there is a 'norm'), has been perfect. Before having kids I was able to do quite a bit. I had many 'chapters' per say. Traveling the world, accomplishing finances, professionally working, charity giving, inner city youth experience, learning another language, building relationships, consulting experiences, performing on stages, gaining education... I have already had many chapters.

I can't even tell you how grateful I am that I am content with THIS chapter right now. I am still trying to decide what to call this chapter, but I think it will be "Mommy Contentment". I remember even while doing so many things, I had dark nights when I was alone, for a long time. It was very lonely and very hard. Many prayers went to the heavens with my tears.

Hundreds of times I remember thinking, "I will NEVER take advantage of and condemn my husband. I will never complain about being a mom". And I am not. I hope you know I am soaking you in, breathing your energy, feeling your happiness, learning more and understanding heaven through you.

There are many chapters ahead. I will be 'out and about' once again with many different projects. But I am not impatient for that time to come again. I am more than happy to be living in the NOW with you... being content in this chapter because I know it will last but a moment. Right now, I am so grateful that you, and your brother, are my projects.

I love you,

Your Mom

My testimony kept me

Dear Natalia,

I must tell you about a story I heard tonight.

Tonight I had mommy time and 'filling my bucket' time. I went to a gathering with a bunch of women from our church all together. The lady who spoke to us told us so many stories, a few of which I am sure I will write to you about as the days go on. But the one that particularly struck me tonight I must share with you right now - especially so I don't forget the details.

She talked about reading some histories of women who lived in Germany during WWII. Most of them said good bye permanently to the men in their lives, who left for war, never to return. Many of them were never able to give a proper burial to their men because their bodies could not be recovered to send home. One women described living during this time as 'living through daily air raids, constant starvation, fear of assault, fighting to protect children and horrific scenes of war'.

Yet these women she studied remained VALIANT in their testimony and faith in Christ. They ALONE held up the church organization (of many faiths) because the men who lead the churches were gone at war. The faith in Germany SURVIVED because of the women who lived there.

After reading all kinds of stories, experiences and accounts from many women, she came across a short journal entry from one in particular that she shared. After the war was over and years had passed there were many visitors who came to their country. This woman, who was now wrinkled and old, spoke at a religious gathering. At the end she opened up to questions. There was one in particular question that came up which was, "How and why did you keep your testimony in Christ and in God?"

Then this amazing woman replied, "Oh... I didn't keep my testimony during those times... MY TESTIMONY KEPT ME."

That story just struck a chord with me so strongly tonight, especially because I believe that I must be the same way. That my testimony is so deeply rooted that it KEEPS me through times of trial, hardship and tribulation. I want you to remember this always in your life Natalia. Your testimony in Christ must be so deeply rooted that it will keep you always, through everything you will encounter and experience.

May all women of faith remember that phrase, and if we all will, and bouy each other up, there is nothing we can't make it through in this life.

I love you,

Your Mom

Elijah's Story

Dear Elijah,

 I don't know what I say. You are rocking. Silently rocking in your swing chair. I am sitting here with my heart looking at the screen, with so many words on the tip of my mind, but those words are not rolling off my tongue. So, what is important is that I record your story:

 (Written as a letter on Oct. 9th. Born October 8th, 2012) So, this is the easiest way to update everyone that I can think of who would want the story of our events last night and today. I started feeling some contractions that were stronger than just Braxton Hicks at about 6pm last night (Sunday Oct.7th). I went into my room to focus on them a little more to try and see if it was going to be another false labor or the real thing. False labors are so horrible. They just get you so excited and expectations are high, only to slam them back in your face...Then my water broke at 9pmish and I was so excited! That meant that we were really on our way! So Brent and I started calling those we invited to come - namely Krista, Janet and of course our mid-wife, Liz Smith.

 For those of you who don't know, we have had both of our previous babies naturally at home with Liz as well. So they started getting there and my contractions were progressing nicely. At one point we needed to switch positions, mainly at Liz's request because she wanted to feel something she wasn't sure about. After laying down, she checked me again and said, "okay everyone, we need to have a pow-wow".

She then told us that she was feeling something she didn't like. She could feel Elijah's head, but it was the wrong way and she didn't like it. So she suggested to say a prayer to know what to do. We prayed all together, I went through a couple more contractions and she checked me again. She still felt the same thing and looked at me and said, "I have butterflies". Janet nodded her head and she said she didn't feel like everything was right either. So Liz suggested that we get ready to do a transport. That we get to the hospital to do an ultrasound and check everything out, especially before any kind of emergency were to happen. She would feel more comfortable if we were there.

This is something that I love about Liz. I know I can trust her instincts and she will always suggest what her gut is telling her to do. I tell people all the time that if it wasn't for Liz, I would double think doing home-births. And she has proved me right with this last baby again. Both of our other babies came naturally and at home. Liz was there both times and knew exactly what had to happen with both of them. Then with Elijah, she knew exactly what had to happen - even though it turned out different than the others.

Anyway, so we got everything ready to go. The contractions slowed way down on our way to the hospital mainly because I really was nervous, and trying not to be! Brent held me close the whole time in the car and into the hospital. Once we got into the room and situated, the doctor came in. Dr. Steple. SUCH a nice guy. Looking back on it today, I have been so blessed with amazing hospital staff who have been very respectful of Brent and my wishes. I am so grateful for that because of how much it eased the energy of the whole thing. Anyway, the doctor came in and checked me and did an ultrasound. What he said was that Elijah was 'face and brow presenting'. Which basically means that he was presenting into the birth canal with his head tilted back instead of to his chin - and he was also posterior. His face was basically trying to squoosh into the birth canal instead of the back of his head.

 He said there was a chance as I kept progressing that the baby would move correctly to the right place and tilt his head forward and everything would be okay. So he suggested to keep laboring for a little while and see if anything would change before deciding to do something different. So I labored for about another 1 1/2 hours. As I kept progressing it wasn't feeling right. Everyone around me was reminding me that it was going to feel very different because of being posterior. So I kept trying to feel if that was it. But as it would show, Elijah was just having a hard time.

After laboring pretty good, the doctor came back in and checked me again. Elijah was still brow presenting at this point. Both the doctor and Liz explained that if he came down into the birth canal brow presenting with his face, it would cause major damage to his neck and head and potentially be a very dangerous situation for me as well. I could labor for hours and hours and he just wouldn't descend because of the way he was positioned.

 The doctor then left and Liz called together another 'pow-wow'. She suggested another prayer. During the prayer my mom instincts were going off major. After the prayer I just touched my heart and shook my head... I looked at Liz and said, "This isn't right". Janet and Krista reminded me it was feeling different (because by now the contractions were REALLY hard and strong) because of how posterior he was, there was still a chance. But it just wasn't right.

 I looked at Brent and then felt Elijah. He was hurting. It was like in that moment Elijah was talking to me and our souls were touching. He was saying, "Mom, I am not okay, this is hurting me." He wasn't okay, and he needed my help to get him here another way. Even now typing it out, I am just crying feeling was I was experiencing in that moment. So I just kept touching my heart and said, "No... I want to have him naturally... but it isn't right. We need to get him out." Liz went out and consulted with the doctor. She came back and looked at me and said, "The doctor said there is a 50/50% chance he will turn..." She just looked at my face and said, "You have to trust your mommy instincts. You are saying there is a 100% chance he won't make it." I nodded. We had to get him out.

As soon as I felt that and made that decision I started fighting my contractions like crazy. Wow, that was painful, emotionally and physically. But it was like my mom instincts were going crazy and I had to protect my baby. I didn't want him to descend into the birth canal anymore and hurt his neck. Liz was watching the baby monitor like a hawk. She could tell he was struggling and told everyone, "Andrea made the right decision at the right time."

By this point the room was just crazy with people all around me getting everything ready. Krista was amazing at making sure all the documents were read and signed correctly. I am so grateful for her and taking over that stewardship so my brain didn't have to wrap around it. That is the benefits of having a power of attorney in place. She wrote it all out right there and took over that whole aspect of the situation.

Janet was just stellar and helping me through the contractions and reminding me that no matter how my baby came into the world, it was beautiful and wonderful. Janet has experienced everything under the sun with delivering her own babies, and I needed her there to remind me that everything was beautiful no matter how he came - especially since this experience was so different from our home experiences.

Then of course my amazing husband, he was right by my side the whole time, giving me his strength and calming my emotions. After getting everything ready, they wisked me off into the surgery room. My body was going through transition during this entire time of craziness. My baby nurse, her name was Kim, acknowledged all of our requests - especially that I wanted to have skin to skin with the baby immediately and as long as I wanted before they took him. I did NOT want my baby taken from me. She said she didn't think they would have any emergencies with him, he was stable enough.

She supported me through getting the spinal stuff done and numbed to have the surgery. That was like magic, I could feel the pain and intensity of transition and then all of a sudden it was gone. The doctor then paused everyone and said, 'I promised her family I wouldn't start with out them." That made me feel very safe and respected. So at that point Krista and Brent were allowed into the room before he started surgery. Brent came straight to me and kept whispering in my ear, "He is okay, everything is going to be okay."

Then he was there! I heard him cry and they passed him to me after cleaning his lungs out quickly. He was skin to skin with me during the entire clean up and getting my placenta out. His poor little head was like a square! His face was completely swollen. Brent took him from me for a little bit because I was shaking so badly, I was afraid I was going to drop him.

Brent was able to weigh him, Kim allowed him to do everything while explaining to him what to do. It was awesome. He went and showed him to Liz and she said, "yep, there is no way he was going to come out okay like that." Which was very validating to hear, that we had made the right choice. He started nursing when we got back to our room. Krista, Janet and Liz left after a few minutes of making sure I was settled and okay - by this point it was 3am, he was born at 1:52am. 8 pounds and 1 ounce. 20 inches long.

 Right now we are doing well. this recovery is going to be very different from the ones before. Crazy the difference in experiences. But Janet is right that no matter how he comes, it is still the amazing birth of my baby into this world.

I am so grateful for having my home birth deliveries naturally, for those experiences. But I am also so immensely grateful for this experience, with the help of doctors when it is necessary to keep me and my baby safe. This is the kind of situation where 200 years ago the baby and mom would have just died in childbirth. But the Lord protected us, He helped us through it all. I am so grateful for His protection and help.