Box Days

Dear Gabriel,

You know, I hear stories and advice all the time from people, books, magazines... etc. about just making sure to spend time with your kids no matter what. The laundry and dishes can always wait. Other things on your list can just wait... "just put down the 'to-do' list and focus on your kids".

Well, I want to call their bluff a little bit today. There are days when I really can't focus on you as much as I want to. That is just reality. We are getting ready to move and so we have a lot to do this week. Today you kept asking me, "Mom do you want to take a video of me? Mom, do you want to watch me? Mom, will you play monsters with me? Mom, do you want to..." Over and over again you kept asking me to do something with you constantly.

I found myself just getting irritated about it today. I was feeling overwhelmed and just didn't want to worry about doing anything else except pack and get ready. It was one of those days when I had to repeat to myself again and again and again, "Andrea, you are a mom first... you are a mom first.... you are a mom first."

But then I realized (with help from a friend) that sometimes there are just 'box' days, like today when I had to focus on the boxes everywhere and I couldn't focus on you. The 'box' days come and go, but when they are here I don't need to feel guilty about getting things done that are needed. There are 'time' days when I can spend a bunch of time with you, and then there are 'box' days, when what I really need to do is pack and put stuff in boxes to move.

So at one point when you asked me again to do something with you I put down the box and said, "Gabe, let me talk with you a little bit." So I sat down with you and told you why I kept saying 'no' when you asked me to do something. I explained that it wasn't because I didn't want to, but I had to get some things done. Then when they were finished we could spend a lot of time together.

Once I took that magical 2 minutes with you to look in your eyes and let you know I wasn't ignoring you, but I still couldn't spend time with you like you wanted, you replied, "It's okay mom." You touched my cheek and then went on your way. You were a little bit sad and had a little bit of a rough emotional day, but we were able to work through it once I took that time with you. 

I think that is the 'magic' of taking time for your kids. It isn't that I have to spend hours with you on end constantly, it is that you need to know that your feelings are heard and respected. Then once that happens, even if it is a 'box' day and not a 'time' day you will know I love you still, no matter what.

Let this be a lesson to me and anyone else who needs it on the 'box' days.

I love you,

Your Mom

A Day Of Mom Life

Dear World,

For anyone wondering about a day in the life of a mother with 3 kids under 4, here is a snap shot (from personal experience):

Wake up at 6:14am to screaming down the hallway saying, "Give it back!"
Feel the bouncing of the bed to little bodies saying, "I want to cuddle"
Getting the kids off the bed so dad (who has an upset stomach) can rest
Starting 'Signing Time' while handing kids a piece of toast
Go back to bed to nurse the baby
Pick up my bible to read while I nurse the baby
After 'Signing Time' help the kids get ready to go to the gym
Get myself ready for the gym
Get in the car, go to the gym and have peaceful work out time and meditation in sauna
Get kids from gym daycare
Drive back home
Open the door with a screaming baby ready to eat
Hurry and hop in the shower while husband holds the baby so I don't have to nurse while sweaty (good husband :-))
Make a fast shake for kids
Drink my shake while nursing the baby
Daughter running to me saying, "I need help to sit on the potty! I have to poop!"
Unlatch the baby while nursing to help daughter (experience has shown if I wait to help her we have a big mess to clean up)
Help her with a screaming baby in the background
Try to latch baby back on when finished helping daughter
Son jumps next to me to read a book while I finish nursing, we read 3 books
Get done nursing, while burping the baby he spits up everywhere
Change the baby
Son wants me to take a video of him on the camera, I take a video for 2 minutes
Daughter wants me to play a game with her
I tell kids it is time to go outside and play for 10 minutes
Finish the dishes and sweeping the floor while kids are outside
Daughter comes in screaming, son tells me they hit each other
Sit down and talk with them about hitting, daughter immediately hits son
Consequence follow through
Son takes a toy from daughter, consequence follow through and talk with son
Baby doesn't want to be on the floor, put baby in sling
Try to finish packing a room upstairs (moving this weekend) while kids are playing 'monsters' in the background
Son asks to play on the computer, I tell him no
He gets really mad at me, acts inappropriately and jumps up and down
Consequence follow through and talking about it
Outside time again for 10 minutes and I try to do more packing
Baby is hungry, time for nursing
Kids are hungry, time for lunch
Kids help make PB&J sandwiches, me teaching them how to use a knife
Kids help pour drinks, me teaching them how (son getting much better!)
Get out the veggies, tell kids they can have a couple chips after veggies
Finish our lunch, clean up the table together
Put dishes away together, daughter loves to put away silverware, son love to put away plates and cups
Time to read before naps and we read for 30 minutes
Daughter to a nap
Son goes to a friends house instead of quiet time today
Time to nurse the baby
Get on a phone call with a friend
Check email
Check facebook
Want to take a nap - but then daughter wakes up
Get daughter up
She helps me to pack a room upstairs, clean and vacuum
Baby in the sling, needs more mom time and doesn't want the rocker
Go to pick up son
Husband comes out of office - sold a couple greenhouses! yay!
Kids want to play with husband
I need to think about dinner, but we just sold our stove and microwave before the move
We decide to go out instead
Time to nurse the baby
Go out to eat
Kids bouncing everywhere, they are excited about being out for dinner
Get back in car and sing 'Wheels on the bus' on the way home
Put on a 'Leapfrog' for the kids
Do more packing
Son wants to watch another Leapfrog, I say no, he acts inappropriately
Consequence follow through and talking about it
Both of us get kids ready for bed, pj's, brush teeth, wash hands
Sing songs before bed
Say family prayer
Do 'piggy back' rides to bed, hugs, kisses and talking moments
Come out, look at big pile of laundry and decide to eat a bowl of ice cream instead
:-)

That is a day in the life of a mom!

Mommy, I Want To Talk

Dear Natalia,

Today while I was nursing Elijah, you got the computer chair, moved it (with the little body of yours) and situated it right in front of me on the couch. Then you bounced up onto the chair, sat down quite resolutely and said, "Mom, I want to talk."

Then you just went on talking. You talked about mom, dad, baby, Gabe, friends, books, teachers, the wall, your chair, the colors of your shirt... you just kept going and going. I just sat there looking at you and thought, "You are 2 going on 20". It was adorable to see your mind moving so fast like that.

Girls just want to talk. While I was listening to you I thought, "Isn't this what we all want and need? We just need to process and talk through things. Most of the time we can figure things out, we have all the answers inside of us, we just need a good listening ear so we can throw it up out of our brains."

Then when you were done, you hopped off, moved the chair back and came back to me. You looked at me and said, "Mom, I love you. Thanks for talking to me." And then you bounded off and did something else.

I hope you know that I always want to talk! Even when I don't do any talking, and you do all the talking, I want to always be a resource for you as you grow.

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Even At The Last Minute

Dear Kids,

We found a home! Yahoo!

The Lord is so merciful to us. We went to look at a home that would be perfect for our price range, neighborhood and yard. When we met the owner there he told us to look around. They had just finished painting it and were saying good-bye to the painters.

After looking through it we both felt good about it. So we went to talk with the owners about it. He was very kind and upfront with us about all the information about the house. He told us that there were about 10 other people who had come to look at it, but he said, "I am the kind of guy who waits for the 'Ah-ha!' feeling with any business that I do. We have been waiting for that to happen...." Then he paused for a couple of seconds and he said, "You can have it if you want it. It's yours".

It was so shocking! We said, "We can send you all our information, you can call our references..." He just shook his head and said, "No, I got the 'Ah-ha' that I needed with you. You can move in any time."

So we told him we would come by his office the next day and drop off the deposit money. We just walked away going, "Did that really happen?". It was SUCH a huge blessing, especially because that is what we have been waiting for! We have been waiting for that kind of thing to happen, especially because we just weren't feeling good about anything we were looking at (except the house I told you about a couple day's ago).

BUT, the lesson we learned from this is... the Lord is in charge. We knew we were going to have to find someone who would be willing to work with us. We knew we wanted to have a private owned home, without working with a property management company. We knew we wanted a yard and a very nice neighborhood for the kids. We knew we needed a place where the rent was very low and would allow us to keep saving for our own home.

This seemed like it was a lot to ask for a little while, because none of these requirements were coming together. But then all of a sudden... BAM - it worked! That is how the Lord works. We needed to find a home by the end of the week. We have no idea how that was going to happen, and He opened the door for it to work.

It is amazing how the Lord works with our lives. I keep learning this lesson over and over and over again, that the Lord is very aware of what we need and even when it seems like it is the last minute, he always answers our prayers and our needs. It is a lesson I am sure we are going to keep learning as the years go by. So when you get stuck in tight situations, remember that the Lord really does have you in mind. He knows before you ask. He just wants you to ask and look up to Him so He can give you His blessings.

I love you,

Your Mom

Some Lessons Learned In Housing

Dear Handsome,

We are getting ready to move. We have had many experiences during this moving adventure, that I must make sure and write some of them down so we have them for our memories in the future.

The first one that I want to make sure and not forget is the lesson we learned about moving by the spirit quickly. We came across a house in Bloomington Hills on Vermillion Street. It was privately owned. It wasn't the most comfortable house... but as soon as we walked into it I felt the spirit. I knew that the spirit was telling me that this was a house we should pursue. But then getting out to the car and talking to you about it, there were several things about the house that you didn't particularly like. So I started double thinking again about it.

Well, it kept coming back to me, over and over and over again about that house. I kept seeing it in my mind and I even started thinking about decorating it. A couple days later you told me, "I felt really good about that house on Vermillion. The spirit confirmed it."

BUT... we didn't act on that prompting. The reason why is because we didn't quite have enough money for a down payment and for the first month's rent. Because of that we just kind of waited. We didn't do anything. We just waited. Then about a week and a half later I drove by the house and it had been rented out.

Well, immediately I felt the spirit tell me that we disobeyed the prompting that we received. It was a very stark feeling, especially because I hadn't felt it for a while. I felt a feeling of light withdrawing. I knew we had sinned. You were out of town at the time, so I talked to you about it later that night. You felt the same way. We disobeyed the spirit and we both knew it.

That was an interesting experience because it really helped us to learn more about 'acting instead of being acted upon'. We have been learning that lesson a lot in the last year. Both of us have been waiting to be 'acted upon' too often... more than just acting and being lead by the spirit.

This was again one of those times when we were waiting to be acted upon, instead of following the prompting, acting on it and seeing what doors the Lord would open to us because of acting by the spirit.

Another thing we have learned is to not close our minds to how the Lord will open possibilities for us to have our own house. And a house that we want. We have been talking to one of our friends, Margo, about her being an investor buyer for a house that we would live in and possibly do a lease option on. We don't know if it is going to work out for sure... BUT something we have both felt from the spirit in the last week is to remember that we don't and shouldn't be renters for very much longer. The Lord will open up the way for us to have our own home as long as we are being proactive about it - again ACTING instead of waiting to be acted upon.

That is going to be a continual lesson for us I think.

No matter what, I am grateful to be learning all these lessons with you and strengthening our relationship because of it. There are so many reasons why we could be in the box towards each other right now with the various housing, business and financial stresses that we have been feeling for a while. But the Lord has lightened our burdens, just like the Nephites in the Book of Mormon. He lightened their burdens so they couldn't feel them upon their backs anymore. I think the Lord is doing the same thing for us as we are staying close to Him and relying on Him. The days I rely on Him, my burdens are much lighter and I am happy and joyful to be alive.

Well, I love you. I hope you always know that.

Me

You Are Good Kids

Dear Kids,

I hope you all know that you are GOOD KIDS.

Very often I think about a quote that I have seen several times floating around on emails and social media. It goes like this...

I remember this a lot today. I made it a goal to remember it as consistently as I could with each of you. And you are all good kids.

Natalia - you are always looking for ways to make sure things are taken care of. It is amazing that even this young you are ultra aware of everything and everyone around you. I was changing the baby's diaper and looked around and realized that I didn't have the wipes. Well, you noticed it before I did and you came running into the room shouting (because you only have one level of talking right now, and it is shouting everything), "Here you go mom!".  How amazing is that? You are only 2 1/2 years old and already you are noticing things so quickly. You always go get the baby's binky when he cries, you are always sharing your treats with Gabe when he eats his too quickly, getting my phone for me, cleaning up the toys...

Gabriel - you are always so extremely honest. This morning when we went to the gym I got 2 bags of treats ready for the car ride. The first one was apples and then the rule is after you eat your apples you can have a more fun treat. This morning it was cereal. Well, you asked me, "Mom, can I take both bags in the car? I will eat my apples first." I knew you are so honest that I could trust you. I gave you both bags. Not once did you try and sneak the cereal. You put the bag by you, ate your apples, then asked permission to open the bag of cereal. It was amazing. And again tonight after dinner... you earned a treat and you chose cookies. The package of cookies was in front of you the whole time and not once did you try and sneak more than the 2 you were allowed to have. I love knowing your level of integrity at only 4 years old.

Elijah - well, right now you are just an angel. You are smiling and grinning all the time. You want to be part of everything that is going on around you. I love it.

I have to remind myself of this saying often because I get so impatient with the little things... too often I think. There are so many little things that by the end of the day I have allowed myself to be irritated over. But when I remind myself of how good you already are, and then see all of those things 'on purpose' throughout the day, the spirit is with me more and I am not nearly as impatient.

You are good kids. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. Don't let anyone ever treat you differently. You are the sons and daughter of a King.

I love you,

Your Mom

Gifts

Dear Kids,

I am so grateful I took the time before I got married to gain as many skills as I could. This is something that I feel very good about inside of my life and choices. Time is everything that the Lord has given to us, and how we decide to use it makes all the difference to our lives.

I was just thinking about this because of working on so many people in our family lately giving them massages and doing energy work with them. The gift of healing has been given to me and I know I can use it to help other people's lives.

Right now your dad is laying on the massage table with ice on his back and he is cursing my name. Ha! I also get to torture people... which in some weird way I like to have the excuse to tell people they have to just 'grit their teeth and bear it' sometimes. I think I like it because that is just how it is in this life. There are times we just grit our teeth and bear it, then on the other side we are able to laugh about it and enjoy it.

What gifts do you have? What are you doing to develop them? How did you/I develop and/or use a gift to benefit our family and friends? Those are important questions to always keep in mind.

I love you,

Your Mom

Baby Talk

Dear Elijah,

Sitting here at the computer I just heard the sweetest sound. Baby talk.

You are laying on your daddy's chest as he rests on the couch. You are looking at him, well I should say you are looking through him and to him with your heaven-sent eyes. You are telling him something. Very literally - I turned to look at you and you were trying to open your mouth and tell him about something.

Your eyes are full of wisdom and light.. the wisdom and light only the Lord knows. You are miraculous. There is just nothing like a baby. Nothing like baby talk.

When you were just a newborn (now you are 4 months old) you would look at me. I remember how much you wanted to open your mouth to speak. I could feel it from your soul and see it in your eyes. You are an old soul. You can see a little bit of the intensity with which you try and talk to us in this picture.

As the world gets more and more jumbled and life more complicated for you as you grow up, just remember that as a baby you knew everything you ever needed to know. That you are the son of a King. You are a leader. You are full of peace and knowledge. Your soul knows everything and has all the answers inside of it.

Thank you for letting me be part of your life. Thank you for choosing to be with us.

I love you,

Your Mom

ps. Just a few notes of your milestones. You are rolling over! You arch your back and head more than any other baby I have seen. You are trying to sit up by yourself. You are loving your brother and sister. Every minute you can you will smile at them and talk to them too. The cool thing is that they talk back to you and know what you are saying. I love it.

Yelling Is Bad

Dear Natalia,

I have already apologized to you tonight before you went to bed... but I need to write and tell you I am so sorry again.

Your dad has been gone for a few days. My nerves are on edge (bad nursing week, getting ready to move, trying to find a house, figuring out money...blah, blah, blah). For some reason, and I don't know why this is, but I have NEVER yelled at anyone...until I had kids.

I don't know what it is about having kids that has caused the 'yelling Andrea' to all of a sudden surface. I don't yell often, but I got into a really bad habit of it this last year. I yelled a lot in 2012, when I was pregnant with Elijah. Too much. I would resort to yelling and just getting frustrated and angry all the time. My hormones were crazy.

Anyway, tonight I yelled again. We have actually had a good day and you guys have been awesome. I got both you and Gabe out of the tub. We went into your room and then you started to cry because you didn't have your binky. You just kept going, crying and whining about it. I told you that you could have it after we put pj's on you. But you didn't listen to me. You ran to the bathroom and tried to reach your binky on the counter. It fell in the sink. You started crying harder.

For some reason this just caused me to snap. I yelled at you, "Talia, I told you we needed to put pj's on first! Stop crying! Why don't you listen to me??". It wasn't just frustrated yell, it was a mean yell, an angry yell.

As soon as it happened the spirit left me. I felt it immediately. It was so wrong. You stopped crying, dropped your head, eyes to the ground and just started whimpering instead. My heart dropped. Here you were, a 2 year old little girl who is cold, tired and just wants her binky. And I yelled at you to shove your emotions under that 2 year old skin and just bear it.

Wow.

Not stellar mom. I felt horrible. It reminded me of so many times in the last year that I have just lost it and all of a sudden became this person that I didn't even know existed. I have never seen that person before and I have seen her too many times in the last year to even count.

So I hugged you. Put your pj's on. Got you in your bed. I got Gabe ready for bed and we all laid down on your bed together. We sang songs. Then I told you both how sorry I was. I said, "I am so sorry I yelled. It was very bad and wrong. I am so sorry."

Gabe then said, "Yeah mom. You yelled. Yelling is bad."

I asked your forgiveness. I kissed you and loved you. But nothing will take all those times away, or the times in the future (Heaven forbid there being very many). I am your mom and should be making deposits into your love bucket, not dumping it over and pouring it out.

I needed to write this story down because it will help me remember. Yelling is bad. It will also help me to tell other moms... We cannot expect our children to be contention free if we have contention within our own hearts. We must start by cleansing the inner vessel first. That is one of the most important reasons to keep a journal. It helps me to look inside and get real with myself about what I am doing in my life and how I can improve.

I will ask your forgiveness many times in my life. I just hope you remember that when I get upset and angry, it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with what is going on inside my own heart. I take full responsibility for it.

And don't forget, no matter what...

I love you,

Mom

Enjoy The Moment Mom

Dear Gabriel and Natalia,

 I think the lesson I am going to keep learning from you over and over and over and over.... AND over again is 'How To Enjoy The Moment'. That really is what kids do best.

Sometimes the moment is:
--When lunch is spilled all over the kitchen table. Automatically I get irritated and think about how long it is going to take to clean up. Automatically you look at it as something to play and have fun with.
--When you get to vacuum all by yourself. Automatically you are basking in the reality of having a responsibility. Automatically I am just thinking about what needs to be done next.
--When you get to take a bath. Automatically you assume the role of having a fishing adventure. Automatically I am off to try and pick up the room next door.

But there are times when I decide to get a little wiser. Like tonight when we went to Artic Circle for dinner (since dad has been out of town for days, and mom needed a cooking break) and played on the slide together for 2 hours. You loved it so much you talked about it all the way home.

When do we lose living by the moment as adults? When does that happen?

I am sure it is different for everyone. But for me, I know it is a lesson I am going to keep learning all my life. Just relax and enjoy the moments.

That is the theme for today.

I love you,
Mom

I Will Always Want You

Dear Natalia,

You brought your 'sugar and spice' to my life almost 6 months ago. I can't believe it! How did 6 months go by already? I am sure that I am going to ask myself that question many times throughout your life with me :-).

What I want to tell you today is a story about you.

When I found out that I was pregnant again, it completely shocked me. We were not in the position to have another baby and our 'plans' for having another baby weren't for another year at least. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed, and I had the feelings of "How are we going to do this?".

Well, about 4 months into my pregnancy with you I had the most amazing experience. I was standing in the shower one day, just thinking again about why we got pregnant NOW. Then, you were there. You were very sad... you said to me, "Mom, you were so excited for Gabe... why aren't you excited for me?". You let me taste a little bit of your celestial feelings, that you were just as excited to come here, to this earth, to our family, to ME.

Then you left....But I hadn't shown the same to you.

I started to sob. I felt TERRIBLE. I can still feel that sinking in my heart having that experience. I made up my mind that I was going to be just has happy for you as I was for Gabe...

Now you are here. Our Father in Heaven did not want to let you go. When I had a blessing before you were born, I was told that He was going to miss you terribly and that He was literally giving you to me from His arms, almost ripping you from Him because of how much He loves you. You have an extreme relationship with Him, and I know we are going to be blown away by your spirit the more you show.

You are our 'sugar and spice'. And always remember that I want you. I am so excited you are here. When you were placed on my chest for the first time I just cried... I was elated and ecstatic. I always want you... just as much as I wanted Gabe.

I love you,

Your Mom

(Fall 2010)

Loving in the Woman World

Dear Natalia,

So I have started a raw food cleanse and diet for January - and I am loving every minute of it! I have done this about 3 other times, so I already know the results I am looking for. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, "I am so excited to see my body after this month..."

All the while you were sitting next to me, smiling at me and loving me just the way I am.

If we grown up women could remember to look at each other, the way our baby girls look at us, we would have much less contention, jealousy and gossipping in the woman world. I looked at you and said, "You don't care what I look like, because you can see my soul for who I am." What an amazing reminder for me.

So I looked back in the mirror and smiled, remembering to love myself and be gentle.

To all the women out there - remember to look at other women in your life today with a baby's eyes. Look at your mom and love her. Look at your sisters and love them. Look at your neighbor and love her. No more gossipping, contention, jealousy....In the woman world, we must remember to really 'look and see' each other for who we are and get rid of everything else.

Remember Talia, you will always be a beautiful woman.

I love you,

Your Mom (written Feb. 2011)

What Daddy's Teach

Dear Natalia,

Be so grateful for an amazing daddy.

There is so much we women learn from our dad's about just being a woman. Your dad ADORES you. He will always adore you. Just like your grandpa will always adore me, my sisters and his granddaughters.

I learned from my dad how a man should treat me, talk to me, love me, respect me, honor me, cherish me, protect me, provide for me... so many things! Because of all those lessons I learned from my dad, it helped me to really understand how to be feminine and love it.

Your dad is already teaching you what you are going to expect from men that you date, you hang out with and eventually the man you marry. And I promise, it is a good example. There are going to be so many times in your life that you will be more open to listening to your dad than to me. And even though I probably won't like it, I will know it is the best because it is teaching you even more how to be a woman.

Your dad works so hard for you. He loves you... he adores you. Never allow yourself to expect anything less.

I love you,

Your Mom

(written Feb.2011)

Girls Work Hard Too

Dear Natalia,

Your dad took me to look at a greenhouse today that we are going to be able to work in this year. I am so excited! As we walked in I was instantly taken back to when I was living at home and very young.

I remember my mom coming and getting me out of bed to work in our garden. It was the summer time and I think I was like 6 years old or something. Needless to say I didn't want to go and work in the garden when I was that young AND that early in the morning. So I grumbled up, all the way out the door and all the way to the garden. Looking back, I am sure all of us kids did that more often than not.

There I was, early in the morning, picking weeds. I was less than enthusiastic. After a little while I looked up at my mom and said something about having dirty hands and getting a blister. Then she said something I will never forget...

"Andrea, girls work hard too. Look at my blisters. Look at my dirty hands."

Then she resumed her weeding and didn't say anything else. It was a great lesson for me. Whenever I get a blister, or scratch, or dirty from working hard in the garden, shoveling, weeding... I remember those words from my mom. Ironically, I smile now instead of whine. Shrug my shoulders and go back to work.

I am sure I will have a chance, more than once, to tell you that same thing. But don't you worry, someday you will look at your hands and smile when you think about it too.

I love you,

Your Mom

(written Jan. 2011)

Flash Forwards

Dear Natalia,

You just woke up from your nap and now you are sitting on my lap as I work on the computer. While sitting and working I just had a flash forward.

I can see you in my minds eye becoming a little toddler. Running around and laughing at the joys of life. Then I can see you becoming a little girl, wanting all the pretty dolls you see around you. Next I can see you becoming a young woman, beautiful and sassy... then you leave home.

This moment with you on my lap is just going to last for a second compared to the rest of our lives together, and eternity. There will be times when you won't want to be around me. There will be other times when you will call me crying and needing help. There will be many more times of joy, laughter and learning.

Oh what a beautiful moment it can be while just sitting at the computer.

I love you,

Your Mom

Having A Crying Baby

Dear Natalia,

Nothing stresses me out or frazzles my nerves more than hearing you cry, yell or complain. Seriously. My day was going great, then you started complaining, almost yelling at me. I picked you up, and it didn't help. You just kept crying. I felt my blood pressure just rising more and more and more. I wanted to pull my hair out. Gabriel asked me a question and I just got so irritated at him - for no reason at all. Learning patience as a mom is a hard thing sometimes.

But - the biggest thing that helps me during your crying times is a story I heard once. One of my friends told me this story about her sister, for this post lets just call her Heather.

Without going into too many details (because I sob when I think about it) - Heather had a baby that was just over a year old that drowned. They did everything they could to save her, but to no avail. When Heather got home from the hospital she had to go out on a walk and feel the sun on her face. While walking farther and farther, with tears streaming down her face, she noticed a mom walking with her baby on the other side of the street. The only thing Heather remembers is this mom who said to her baby, "Please STOP crying!"

As Heather tells the story the only thing she says after this point is,"I would do anything to just hear my baby cry again."

So when you cry, complain and yell - and I feel like pulling my hair out.... I sit down with you, cuddle you close and think, "I am so grateful that I have a baby that can cry."

I love you,

Your Mom (written fall 2010)

More Than Average

Dear Natalia,

So we went to the doctor a few days ago and they said you are too little. Your weight isn't 'average' and so we need to be watching you closely so that you can be closer to 'average'.

Well, I must be honest about this. I don't want you to be 'average'. Not in any sense of the word. Our world has become too accustomed to 'average'. Average jobs, average expectations, average schools, average relationships, average this, average that.

Never settle for just being 'average'. That is what I have to say. I will ALWAYS encourage you to push yourself and be YOU, not just the average. Push yourself in your abilities and always seek to be the best you absolutely can be. There are times where it might feel like you are just 'average', but no matter what, remember you are MORE!

Just like the quote says... 'It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us'. Remember.

And I love you more than average,

Your Mom

Chapters

Dear Natalia,

I believe everyone has chapters in their life. There are many chapters I have lived and will live. But I can't even say how thrilled I am that my chapter, right now, is to be with you.

Everyone has a different path to parenthood. For me becoming a parent, when I am a little older than the 'norm' (if there is a 'norm'), has been perfect. Before having kids I was able to do quite a bit. I had many 'chapters' per say. Traveling the world, accomplishing finances, professionally working, charity giving, inner city youth experience, learning another language, building relationships, consulting experiences, performing on stages, gaining education... I have already had many chapters.

I can't even tell you how grateful I am that I am content with THIS chapter right now. I am still trying to decide what to call this chapter, but I think it will be "Mommy Contentment". I remember even while doing so many things, I had dark nights when I was alone, for a long time. It was very lonely and very hard. Many prayers went to the heavens with my tears.

Hundreds of times I remember thinking, "I will NEVER take advantage of and condemn my husband. I will never complain about being a mom". And I am not. I hope you know I am soaking you in, breathing your energy, feeling your happiness, learning more and understanding heaven through you.

There are many chapters ahead. I will be 'out and about' once again with many different projects. But I am not impatient for that time to come again. I am more than happy to be living in the NOW with you... being content in this chapter because I know it will last but a moment. Right now, I am so grateful that you, and your brother, are my projects.

I love you,

Your Mom

My testimony kept me

Dear Natalia,

I must tell you about a story I heard tonight.

Tonight I had mommy time and 'filling my bucket' time. I went to a gathering with a bunch of women from our church all together. The lady who spoke to us told us so many stories, a few of which I am sure I will write to you about as the days go on. But the one that particularly struck me tonight I must share with you right now - especially so I don't forget the details.

She talked about reading some histories of women who lived in Germany during WWII. Most of them said good bye permanently to the men in their lives, who left for war, never to return. Many of them were never able to give a proper burial to their men because their bodies could not be recovered to send home. One women described living during this time as 'living through daily air raids, constant starvation, fear of assault, fighting to protect children and horrific scenes of war'.

Yet these women she studied remained VALIANT in their testimony and faith in Christ. They ALONE held up the church organization (of many faiths) because the men who lead the churches were gone at war. The faith in Germany SURVIVED because of the women who lived there.

After reading all kinds of stories, experiences and accounts from many women, she came across a short journal entry from one in particular that she shared. After the war was over and years had passed there were many visitors who came to their country. This woman, who was now wrinkled and old, spoke at a religious gathering. At the end she opened up to questions. There was one in particular question that came up which was, "How and why did you keep your testimony in Christ and in God?"

Then this amazing woman replied, "Oh... I didn't keep my testimony during those times... MY TESTIMONY KEPT ME."

That story just struck a chord with me so strongly tonight, especially because I believe that I must be the same way. That my testimony is so deeply rooted that it KEEPS me through times of trial, hardship and tribulation. I want you to remember this always in your life Natalia. Your testimony in Christ must be so deeply rooted that it will keep you always, through everything you will encounter and experience.

May all women of faith remember that phrase, and if we all will, and bouy each other up, there is nothing we can't make it through in this life.

I love you,

Your Mom

Elijah's Story

Dear Elijah,

 I don't know what I say. You are rocking. Silently rocking in your swing chair. I am sitting here with my heart looking at the screen, with so many words on the tip of my mind, but those words are not rolling off my tongue. So, what is important is that I record your story:

 (Written as a letter on Oct. 9th. Born October 8th, 2012) So, this is the easiest way to update everyone that I can think of who would want the story of our events last night and today. I started feeling some contractions that were stronger than just Braxton Hicks at about 6pm last night (Sunday Oct.7th). I went into my room to focus on them a little more to try and see if it was going to be another false labor or the real thing. False labors are so horrible. They just get you so excited and expectations are high, only to slam them back in your face...Then my water broke at 9pmish and I was so excited! That meant that we were really on our way! So Brent and I started calling those we invited to come - namely Krista, Janet and of course our mid-wife, Liz Smith.

 For those of you who don't know, we have had both of our previous babies naturally at home with Liz as well. So they started getting there and my contractions were progressing nicely. At one point we needed to switch positions, mainly at Liz's request because she wanted to feel something she wasn't sure about. After laying down, she checked me again and said, "okay everyone, we need to have a pow-wow".

She then told us that she was feeling something she didn't like. She could feel Elijah's head, but it was the wrong way and she didn't like it. So she suggested to say a prayer to know what to do. We prayed all together, I went through a couple more contractions and she checked me again. She still felt the same thing and looked at me and said, "I have butterflies". Janet nodded her head and she said she didn't feel like everything was right either. So Liz suggested that we get ready to do a transport. That we get to the hospital to do an ultrasound and check everything out, especially before any kind of emergency were to happen. She would feel more comfortable if we were there.

This is something that I love about Liz. I know I can trust her instincts and she will always suggest what her gut is telling her to do. I tell people all the time that if it wasn't for Liz, I would double think doing home-births. And she has proved me right with this last baby again. Both of our other babies came naturally and at home. Liz was there both times and knew exactly what had to happen with both of them. Then with Elijah, she knew exactly what had to happen - even though it turned out different than the others.

Anyway, so we got everything ready to go. The contractions slowed way down on our way to the hospital mainly because I really was nervous, and trying not to be! Brent held me close the whole time in the car and into the hospital. Once we got into the room and situated, the doctor came in. Dr. Steple. SUCH a nice guy. Looking back on it today, I have been so blessed with amazing hospital staff who have been very respectful of Brent and my wishes. I am so grateful for that because of how much it eased the energy of the whole thing. Anyway, the doctor came in and checked me and did an ultrasound. What he said was that Elijah was 'face and brow presenting'. Which basically means that he was presenting into the birth canal with his head tilted back instead of to his chin - and he was also posterior. His face was basically trying to squoosh into the birth canal instead of the back of his head.

 He said there was a chance as I kept progressing that the baby would move correctly to the right place and tilt his head forward and everything would be okay. So he suggested to keep laboring for a little while and see if anything would change before deciding to do something different. So I labored for about another 1 1/2 hours. As I kept progressing it wasn't feeling right. Everyone around me was reminding me that it was going to feel very different because of being posterior. So I kept trying to feel if that was it. But as it would show, Elijah was just having a hard time.

After laboring pretty good, the doctor came back in and checked me again. Elijah was still brow presenting at this point. Both the doctor and Liz explained that if he came down into the birth canal brow presenting with his face, it would cause major damage to his neck and head and potentially be a very dangerous situation for me as well. I could labor for hours and hours and he just wouldn't descend because of the way he was positioned.

 The doctor then left and Liz called together another 'pow-wow'. She suggested another prayer. During the prayer my mom instincts were going off major. After the prayer I just touched my heart and shook my head... I looked at Liz and said, "This isn't right". Janet and Krista reminded me it was feeling different (because by now the contractions were REALLY hard and strong) because of how posterior he was, there was still a chance. But it just wasn't right.

 I looked at Brent and then felt Elijah. He was hurting. It was like in that moment Elijah was talking to me and our souls were touching. He was saying, "Mom, I am not okay, this is hurting me." He wasn't okay, and he needed my help to get him here another way. Even now typing it out, I am just crying feeling was I was experiencing in that moment. So I just kept touching my heart and said, "No... I want to have him naturally... but it isn't right. We need to get him out." Liz went out and consulted with the doctor. She came back and looked at me and said, "The doctor said there is a 50/50% chance he will turn..." She just looked at my face and said, "You have to trust your mommy instincts. You are saying there is a 100% chance he won't make it." I nodded. We had to get him out.

As soon as I felt that and made that decision I started fighting my contractions like crazy. Wow, that was painful, emotionally and physically. But it was like my mom instincts were going crazy and I had to protect my baby. I didn't want him to descend into the birth canal anymore and hurt his neck. Liz was watching the baby monitor like a hawk. She could tell he was struggling and told everyone, "Andrea made the right decision at the right time."

By this point the room was just crazy with people all around me getting everything ready. Krista was amazing at making sure all the documents were read and signed correctly. I am so grateful for her and taking over that stewardship so my brain didn't have to wrap around it. That is the benefits of having a power of attorney in place. She wrote it all out right there and took over that whole aspect of the situation.

Janet was just stellar and helping me through the contractions and reminding me that no matter how my baby came into the world, it was beautiful and wonderful. Janet has experienced everything under the sun with delivering her own babies, and I needed her there to remind me that everything was beautiful no matter how he came - especially since this experience was so different from our home experiences.

Then of course my amazing husband, he was right by my side the whole time, giving me his strength and calming my emotions. After getting everything ready, they wisked me off into the surgery room. My body was going through transition during this entire time of craziness. My baby nurse, her name was Kim, acknowledged all of our requests - especially that I wanted to have skin to skin with the baby immediately and as long as I wanted before they took him. I did NOT want my baby taken from me. She said she didn't think they would have any emergencies with him, he was stable enough.

She supported me through getting the spinal stuff done and numbed to have the surgery. That was like magic, I could feel the pain and intensity of transition and then all of a sudden it was gone. The doctor then paused everyone and said, 'I promised her family I wouldn't start with out them." That made me feel very safe and respected. So at that point Krista and Brent were allowed into the room before he started surgery. Brent came straight to me and kept whispering in my ear, "He is okay, everything is going to be okay."

Then he was there! I heard him cry and they passed him to me after cleaning his lungs out quickly. He was skin to skin with me during the entire clean up and getting my placenta out. His poor little head was like a square! His face was completely swollen. Brent took him from me for a little bit because I was shaking so badly, I was afraid I was going to drop him.

Brent was able to weigh him, Kim allowed him to do everything while explaining to him what to do. It was awesome. He went and showed him to Liz and she said, "yep, there is no way he was going to come out okay like that." Which was very validating to hear, that we had made the right choice. He started nursing when we got back to our room. Krista, Janet and Liz left after a few minutes of making sure I was settled and okay - by this point it was 3am, he was born at 1:52am. 8 pounds and 1 ounce. 20 inches long.

 Right now we are doing well. this recovery is going to be very different from the ones before. Crazy the difference in experiences. But Janet is right that no matter how he comes, it is still the amazing birth of my baby into this world.

I am so grateful for having my home birth deliveries naturally, for those experiences. But I am also so immensely grateful for this experience, with the help of doctors when it is necessary to keep me and my baby safe. This is the kind of situation where 200 years ago the baby and mom would have just died in childbirth. But the Lord protected us, He helped us through it all. I am so grateful for His protection and help.