Yelling Is Bad

Dear Natalia,

I have already apologized to you tonight before you went to bed... but I need to write and tell you I am so sorry again.

Your dad has been gone for a few days. My nerves are on edge (bad nursing week, getting ready to move, trying to find a house, figuring out money...blah, blah, blah). For some reason, and I don't know why this is, but I have NEVER yelled at anyone...until I had kids.

I don't know what it is about having kids that has caused the 'yelling Andrea' to all of a sudden surface. I don't yell often, but I got into a really bad habit of it this last year. I yelled a lot in 2012, when I was pregnant with Elijah. Too much. I would resort to yelling and just getting frustrated and angry all the time. My hormones were crazy.

Anyway, tonight I yelled again. We have actually had a good day and you guys have been awesome. I got both you and Gabe out of the tub. We went into your room and then you started to cry because you didn't have your binky. You just kept going, crying and whining about it. I told you that you could have it after we put pj's on you. But you didn't listen to me. You ran to the bathroom and tried to reach your binky on the counter. It fell in the sink. You started crying harder.

For some reason this just caused me to snap. I yelled at you, "Talia, I told you we needed to put pj's on first! Stop crying! Why don't you listen to me??". It wasn't just frustrated yell, it was a mean yell, an angry yell.

As soon as it happened the spirit left me. I felt it immediately. It was so wrong. You stopped crying, dropped your head, eyes to the ground and just started whimpering instead. My heart dropped. Here you were, a 2 year old little girl who is cold, tired and just wants her binky. And I yelled at you to shove your emotions under that 2 year old skin and just bear it.

Wow.

Not stellar mom. I felt horrible. It reminded me of so many times in the last year that I have just lost it and all of a sudden became this person that I didn't even know existed. I have never seen that person before and I have seen her too many times in the last year to even count.

So I hugged you. Put your pj's on. Got you in your bed. I got Gabe ready for bed and we all laid down on your bed together. We sang songs. Then I told you both how sorry I was. I said, "I am so sorry I yelled. It was very bad and wrong. I am so sorry."

Gabe then said, "Yeah mom. You yelled. Yelling is bad."

I asked your forgiveness. I kissed you and loved you. But nothing will take all those times away, or the times in the future (Heaven forbid there being very many). I am your mom and should be making deposits into your love bucket, not dumping it over and pouring it out.

I needed to write this story down because it will help me remember. Yelling is bad. It will also help me to tell other moms... We cannot expect our children to be contention free if we have contention within our own hearts. We must start by cleansing the inner vessel first. That is one of the most important reasons to keep a journal. It helps me to look inside and get real with myself about what I am doing in my life and how I can improve.

I will ask your forgiveness many times in my life. I just hope you remember that when I get upset and angry, it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with what is going on inside my own heart. I take full responsibility for it.

And don't forget, no matter what...

I love you,

Mom