About 12 years ago there was a time when I was the CEO of a new, but growing company. It had a ton of potential and the owner approached me about becoming CEO in order to take it to the next level of operations. It was a technology company and he specifically approached me because of my communication and leadership background. "We have enough people who know about technology, we need someone to lead the team."
This was an exciting time for me. I couldn't wait to see what could happen with the company and what we could make of it. So I dug in. I got to know the current systems they were working on, was trained by programmers, brought up to speed on the current software, met with accounting, and got to know all the personnel. There was a lot to do, but I was ready for the challenge of it. We ended up hiring a few more people to join the team with designers and sales people.
The only part that wasn't so great was that the owner ended up not being honest with me about the company's growing financial concerns. There was a secret set of books that I wasn't aware of and a few things that slipped past me (that should have been red flags) that I simply didn't see for what they were. I knew after a while that there were some concerns because of how the owner was handling some things, but I had NO idea how far down the rabbit hole the concerns were.
Until one day .... (that is always the fateful line, right??)
He came to me one day at the office, on payday, and asked me to come to the conference room.
"We don't have any thing to pay the employees. We are completely broke."
At first I thought he was joking, but I quickly understood that he was not. "How can that be? What about this account.... and that account.... and what about these books.... and those numbers?"
"I'm sorry Andrea. We don't have anything. We have to tell everyone that we can't pay them and it's time to go home."
My head started to swirl. I was completely confused, and found out later about the various issues that had happened behind the scenes to which I wasn't aware. I remember looking at him after a few minutes and telling him that he was the one responsible to tell everyone individually why they were not going to be paid. That was not what I had signed up for and not my responsibility to take that onto my shoulders of something I didn't have a part of.
I went straight home. My eyes were of course taken over by the tears. I remember driving in a daze and getting home with some vertigo. I walked into our condo (I had been married for about 6 months at this point) and the next few minutes were etched in my heart memory and feeling bank forever. I stumbled to the hallway wall and started hyperventilating. I can still see that hallway and feel the texture of the wall on my hand. I couldn't breathe. I was completely in shock and the more thoughts swirled around in my head the more I couldn't breathe. I was literally having a major anxiety attack.
What about these people? They trusted me. How can I ever look at them in the eye again? How could he do this? How could someone that I trusted take away this future from me? Why didn't he tell me sooner? How are these people going to handle the news? Will they hate me? Will their families be okay? What about their future? Is there anyway to save the situation? I continued to sob and release sounds from my body that are only familiar to those who have had these kind of anxiety attacks.
Tighter and tighter my chest became and the harder it was to breathe. Then I did what I have done hundreds of times in my life, all I could do... fall on my knees and ask to be released and delivered. It wasn't the first time I had an anxiety attack, but it was absolutely the MOST severe up to that point. I was losing control of my body and my fear was gripping my entire reality. As I knelt all I could do was ask Jesus to release me and release my chest to take a breath.
After a while I was able to relax my mind and relax my spirit and soul. I went back to the office and I discovered that the owner still hadn't spoken with the team. I was livid, also one of those moments when I look back on it and I felt righteous indignation. I pulled him aside into the conference room and told him to immediately tell those people and he could not continue to avoid this situation.
The result of the company? It completely failed. The people in the company? No, they didn't hate me, some of them are still my most trusted and true friends. The things we went through together in that period of time bound us together. The owner of the company? He has done everything he can to make things right in his life and I can still hug him when I see him and laugh together about life. My anxiety attacks? I had a few more over the years that followed this particular instance, especially because of various trials that presented themselves. My strength and my soul? Resolute. EVERY anxiety attack or anxiety situation I have EVER had in my life has continued to strengthen me and focus spiritually on my Savior.
The power of our thoughts, the power of where and how we focus our thoughts, the power of the atonement of Christ and the power of spiritual focus is stronger than ANYTHING on this earth. I know this. The skills I have gained of the power of my mind and my soul interwoven with Christ is something I would NEVER give up and I would absolutely go through all of the same hard things to gain that ability.
I know hard things will continue to come. I know life is so full of ups and downs. I am experienced in life enough to understand how hard life can punch. But my punch back with the power of the Savior by my side is stronger, ALWAYS. No matter what is presented.
I love you kids. Focus on the Saviors face and on His hands reaching for you in your hard moments. Visualize Him, His strength, light, love and everything He is so it becomes a part of who you are in your darkest moments.
I love you,
Your Mom
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