Wise and Unsure

Dear Kids,

There is a new Beauty and the Beast movie that came out a couple years ago. One of the songs that Belle sings (Days in the Sun) has this line in it:

How in the midst of all this sorrow
Can so much hope and love endure
I was innocent and certain
Now I'm wiser but unsure

This particular phrase gets my heart to the core, EVERY time I watch it. The "certainty" and innocence of youth (and youth meaning anything under about 35 years old) has a particular place to it, but the more wise I become, there is a sense of unsurety that comes with it as well. And not unsurety inside of myself, but the unsurety of being able to admit that wisdom includes having a FULL understanding that I just don't know everything. I don't have all the answers. I don't have all the abilities. I don't have all the capabilities. But my wisdom can tell me that I can completely rely on God inside of the unsurety of it all.

I have had a look on life that changed completely after my world fell apart with an experience together with your dad in our marriage about 4-5 years ago. My whole foundation and world came out from under me. I was facing one of my biggest fears straight in the face. Since that time, I have had the time to reflect on the change in my heart. And the best way I can describe it is this:

Facing a HUGE fear, and coming out on the other side, gives me a perspective on life that nothing else could have.

Since my heart changed from this whole experience I have come to completely rely on God. I had to face the reality of going into life alone. I had to wrap my head around being alone. Raising my kids alone. I had to look at the possibility of "what if he doesn't choose us?" What then? It took months, but I had to admit to myself that whether he chose us or not, I could do this with God. And there was nothing to be afraid of any more. There wasn't anything to fear. I COMPLETELY gave him to God. Several times I saw it in my mind of placing him in the arms of God and the Savior, having no idea what he was going to choose, surrendering completely whatever outcome would happen, and turn and keep walking.

It was in that surrendering it all to God that I found my freedom. I found so much freedom inside of surrender. I placed it all on the alter. I place it all in the hands of God, having no idea what that outcome would be, whether it was together or apart, how long the road of healing was going to be, whatever that was, I didn't know. And I had to be in a place where I was okay with any of it because I could surrender it all to God. Place all my fears in a bag and give them to Christ.

Since that time in my life, my wisdom has exponentially increased, in all kinds of emotional, spiritual, and mental ways. And with that wisdom, my unsurety has really hit me in the face. This is the part that is hard to describe. I'm not unsure in my God. I am unsure in my ability to share my story in order for it to make an impact in the world. I am more of the person God wants me to become now, than at any other point in my life, but I am unsure inside of knowing the future.

I am looking at the future square in the eye understanding that there are things which will always be unseen and misunderstood. There is always unsurety and complete understanding all at the same time inside of life's experiences. I need to figure out a better way to describe it from my heart, and maybe by writing it down the explanation will come.

I am so glad your dad chose us. I am so grateful for the road we are walking together. I hope you always know how much I love you, I love God and I love your father.

I love you,

Your Mom