Dear Kids,
This story is about Talia today. She has been sneaking, lying, taking things without permission... and it has escalated quite a bit in the last couple of weeks.
First off, let me just say that I completely know this path. I lied over things A LOT when I was younger. I remember saying things that weren't true constantly. I wanted to please people around me. I wanted to get their approval. I didn't want to have a conflict. I would say the things that I thought people wanted to hear, especially my parents. I lied a lot, and made up my own reality quite a bit of the time. It wasn't until well into high school that I really started and WANTED to get a hold on this bad habit I had created for myself. It was a horrible habit, and one that was NOT easily broken.
So it gives me the edge. When something happens with my kids, I know the ropes, I know the "ways" of deception. It is easy for me to catch and understand. However, the last little while with Talia has escalated A LOT. She is emotionally asking for more love and understanding... she is energetically saying, "Mom, dad, God... will you love me no matter what my 'performance' might be?"
It has been refining for me as her parent that is with her 90% of the time. Let me get into the story of today...
Today, something else happened, I have to write about it. Mainly because it is a parenting "win" for me. I NEVER once lost the Spirit through the whole situation. I kept my emotions completely in check and I didn't OWN her emotions once through the whole thing. I followed what the spirit was telling me to do the entire time.
For my "mom memories" it is worth writing down.
I went to get a granola bar from the treat cupboard this afternoon and I noticed that there was a box of candy (whoppers that dad got from the store for movie night a couple days ago) that was gone. I knew immediately that Talia had taken it to give to her friends.
So I went out into the circle to find her. I called for her to come, and she came bouncing over, one of the greatest things about her is her happiness. I asked her if she took the box of candy. She looked at me with a completely serious face and told me "no". She is getting really good at lying, because anyone else would have completely believed her. She doesn't shift her eyes anymore, she doesn't give a little movement of her mouth, she looks at me straight in the eye... all of her body language is correct for someone telling the truth. I know the game very well.
I kept smiling and being calm... I wasn't even in a state of irritation. I wasn't projecting any emotion onto her at all. I was able to keep my emotions at bay and look at her with complete non-judgement. I told her I wanted to look in the fort she was playing in with her friends. On the way over there she called one of her friends over, Emery, and told her something in her ear, in a way that she thought I couldn't see her. You know how kids do, I thought I was so sneaky so many times as a kid. Now I know the adults around me were completely aware of what was happening.
Anyway, I digress. I got to the fort and there on the ground was the box of whoppers. Talia came over and with a straight face said, "Mom, those are Emery's whoppers."
She was prepared for the situation and thought she figured out a way around the deception. I told her that I knew these were our whoppers and she had taken them without permission. She said, "No, they are Emery's, aren't they Emery?"
She looked at her friend and her cute friend looked at me with that guilty look in her eye and said, "Yep, they are mine!"
Mind you, the whole time I am not feeling any frustration at all with Talia. I was SO GRATEFUL for that ability today, THAT was the miracle and parenting win today. I was completely acting in the spirit. I looked at Talia and said, "Talia, you told Emery to lie to me and you took these whoppers from the cupboard. It is time to say good bye and come home for the day."
She started getting really sad, then as we were walking back home, I put my arm around her and kept her close and she started crying much louder. "Mom! I will do anything to get my privilege back to play with my friends! I will do anything! I will do all the chores, all the laundry! I just want to play with my friends! What if I finish playing with them today and I will lose the privilege for tomorrow? What if I do a lot of extra school work?"
She went on and on and on as we walked home trying to get me to say anything to her about it. I just kept my arm around her and loved her as we walked. We went to the couch and I told her, "Talia, you lost your privilege to play today because you chose to lie and sneak. You lose your privilege to play tomorrow because you used your influence to tell Emery to lie to your mom."
There was MAJOR weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. She just freaked out. I had her go to her room and told her she could get all her emotions out in there. She stayed there for about 10 minutes while she cried and felt through the emotions she was feeling. During this time I just prayed. "Father... what would you have me do with this situation? What do you want me to do with this child of Thine?"
The answer that came was, "Teach her. Create a new relationship about truth with her."
So when she finished with her emotions I had her do a couple of things after a prayer:
1. I felt that she needs to start retraining the thought patterns in her mind. One of the ways to do that is by affirmations. I had her write the phrases "I tell the truth" and "I am always honest" 20 times each. I had her sit in the sun while she did this with some good water to drink.
2. She watched a couple scripture videos about honesty and then came and told me about them.
3. We then went to her friends house and she apologized to her friend and then she apologized to her friend's mom for teaching her friend to lie. (this was a HUGE thing for Talia. She DID NOT want to do this, but she did it! We made it!)
4. I showed her the Topical Guide in her scriptures and we found six scriptures on honestly for her to look up, read, and mark.
5. I kept my state of love and emotion the ENTIRE TIME. THIS was a GIFT from God. I know Talia felt the gravity of her decisions, and a HUGE part of that was because I was not owning them at all. She was owning all of it.
The continued actions we are going to do with her tomorrow are:
1. She is going to read a couple books about honesty.
2. I will have her do some more affirmations again in a journal, outside, in the sun with good nutrition.
3. And I am going to do some close interactions with her so she knows that I love her no matter what. Physical touch is her love language.
4. I am going to practice giving her MAJOR praise when she does ANYTHING that is truthful and honest. I am going to give her major positive feedback for the behaviors we want repeated instead of giving negative feedback about the behaviors that we DON'T want repeated.
I feel such confirmation about this path for tomorrow. And I will be directed what to do from there for the next day. She will choose her own path inside of this weakness of hers, but she will figure it out to be a strength. We all do eventually right??!
Talia, now it's time for "first person". No matter what your choices, or any of the other kids choices are in the future, what REALLY matters is to love you NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PERFORMANCE IS. Good or bad, yelling or laughing, smiling or crying, lying or honesty, the key is feeling love for you throughout all the behaviors.
Then giving the rest to God.
I love you,
Your Mom
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