Her Time. The Thing That Is Mine To Do

Dear Kids,

I hope I can describe what I've been feeling lately.

An awakening... of sorts. But a death... of sorts as well. The spirit is moving me to a new place.

This picture describes it perfectly... what is going on inside of me.

What better way to describe what is going on right now. There isn't another way. Everyday I have so much content that is being downloaded to my brain, but I don't know how to get it out because I have little people pushing and pulling on me so much. Just last night I had a TedX talk given to me. I could have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing it out... but then I had to sleep so I could actually function today... which I didn't do very well at that either. I have books I need to write. I have people I need to see. I have traveling that needs to get done.The tricky part is that it's been going on inside of me for about a year. The Lord is trying to get me ready for something. But then I have a bad day, like today, and I think, "So you really think that you want more stewardship? You really think you want greater and more in your life? You can't even handle what is going on in your life right now! How could you think that you ready for that?"But I have to believe that I'm feeling all of this because I am being led. I have valuable things to share with the world. And yes there are so many voices out there right now and the road is going to be rocky and there will be critics and there will be stumbling blocks... but you know what? It is my time. The Lord is telling me that. It is my time. It is time for me to notice and go out and do. It is time for me to feel the personal vision and message that I have to give to the world. It is time for that. I have a message that is mine to give. And only the Lord can give it to me. No amount of reading will lead me there. No amount of study. No amount of social media. No amount of distraction. Only a download from the heavens will help me to get to that place of what is coming. Only a download from above will show me the right way. No comparing. Only a download from the spirit will lead me in my message, in my voice and in my mission. I have to be quiet in my heart as much as I can so I get detoxed from everything else that is being thrown at me, or that I feel that 'I could do'. You know what? It is true that there are so many things I "could" do. I am one of those people. I could take on so many various things and be good at it. That is something that the Lord has given me. Many talents. And my talents will be used in His kingdom. Many blessings have been given me to me and much is required. BUT.Just because "I could" do so many things... doesn't me it's mine to do. There is a "mine" to do that the Lord has for me. There is a "mine" to do that is ONLY MINE, and no one else. Only my message and my mission. Only I can do it. That is why I'm being still and away from social media and other media right now. I can't hear what other people are saying right now. I need to only hear what the Lord has for me. I need to only listen for HIm. I know that is one reason why I had such a hard day today. My soul is detoxing from comparison. My soul is detoxing from expectations. My soul is detoxing from what "I could" be doing. Just because I could, doesn't mean it's mine to do. I have a unique voice. I have a unique message. The Lord will give it to me when my mind, heart and gut are cleared.  I know that is why I'm eating like crazy right now. I'm feeling so much. There is so much. It is so big. And it isn't just about me. It's about Brent too. It's not about me trying to do all of this on my own. it is about US. We are doing it together. Together. He will be shown the way as well. Lead us. Guide Us. Walk Beside us Lord. Show us the way. We are imperfect servants. But we are still here. Arms out. Show us. Forgive our weaknesses. I am stretching. Oh, I am feeling the stretch. I am feeling the stretch. You ahve it for me. I can do this with You at my side. Show me. 
It won't let me get rid of the underline! I will work on it another day when I'm not getting super tired. 

The Happy Mom Doesn't Have To Mean The Fun Mom

Dear Kids,

Something that the spirit told me that I needed to write down is this:

Being a happy mom has nothing to do with being "the fun" mom.

I already wrote about how hard "doing mothering" was for me today. One of the self destructive thoughts I got into is that I wasn't being "the fun mom"... and so often I am not.

But then the phrase came to my mind of, "Your kids don't want a perfect mom, they want a happy one."

Being "the happy mom" has nothing to do with being fun all the time. It has everything to do with smiling at them when they are doing something. Looking in their eyes when they ask a question. Being present with them and listening.

I don't have time to just play with them. I really don't. I wish I did. But you know what, there is crap to get done. There is laundry to do, dishes to get done, food to make, appointments to make, books to write, school to plan, piles to pick up, lemonade stands to help with... all the 'things'.

But I can do all those things with a smile. I can be happy. I can choose joy. I can choose eye contact during the midst of it.

When I need to set a boundary I can do that with love in my heart. I can.

When I need to lay down for 30 minutes, I can request that with a smile and love. I can.

When I need to do mom jobs and I can't go and do anything I want to, I can do it with love and not frustration. I can.

It's easy to realize that as a mother you lose your smile. I have lost my smile with my kids. I have. So often I realize halfway through the day that I haven't really smiled at them yet that day. I gave smiles to neighbors or dog owners or the store attendant... but not to my own kids.

That's all they want. They just want my smiles. They want my hugs. They want my joy.

Motherhood is draining. It's draining me to my core so often. So why would I choose to stay here and do this? I could go out and get a REALLY good paying job. I could. We wouldn't have to be so strapped financially if I did that. I could get a nanny. I could delegate everything out. I could do that.

But every time I think about going down that route I am stopped. No.

I am choosing to be here. I am choosing this. So I can choose to be happy inside of it. I am not a victim in my motherhood choices. I am not going to be stuck in "mom martyrdom". Yes, it's difficult. What do I expect? These are some of the most powerful souls on the earth. Of course it's going to stretch me to my core. Of course Satan is going to attack every part of my soul while I am mothering these children. Of course he is going to send as many doubts my way as possible until i feel like "I can't do this anymore!". What do I expect?

Smiles. The happy mom. Not the perfect mom. But a mom who smiles. Not the constant playing mom. But a mom who listens. Not the "shove everything else off because we only live once with these little kids" mom. But a mom who makes eye contact and hugs in the midst of the laundry.

Oh. Yes. I can be that mom. I can be happy. Just keep it simple.

I love you,

Your Mom

Forgiveness For Mom Monster Days

Dear Kids,

Today was a mom monster day. I was in my head with self destructive language ALL DAY LONG. I was bugged by everything and everyone and for the littlest things. The neighborhood kids were in and out of the house, I was bugged by them. My kids were fighting over the normal things, I was bugged by them. All the messes, every time I passed by ANOTHER MESS I just grunted to myself, "I'm so tired of all these messes!". All the fighting, every time I would hear it I said to myself, "I'm so tired of all the fighting!" All the things the kids wanted to do and bounced off of me (it had to go through me... like lemonade stands and such), I complained to myself, "I'm so tired of always getting interrupted! I'm so tired of always being the middle man for everything that everyone has to do!". All the yells of "mom!" just grated on my soul.

At quite a few points in the day I had to just take a break and go get on my knees, I'm pretty sure the is the only way no one was killed. Seriously. In reality I wanted to just crawl into my bed and stay there and just sit in my skin for a little while and not have anyone need me for anything.

Of course on days like today after "doing a lot of angers", I have a lot of mom guilt. "Why did I have to get so mad?" "Why couldn't I have handled it like this...?" ... all the thoughts of guilt. So then I choose in those moments to "do a discouragement" and it just becomes this endless cycle of horrible self counseling sessions.

I KNOW I'm not the only parent who experiences this. Luckily, I don't go into those self defeating behaviors often, but man, when I do I feel like I totally crash and burn.

So here I am at the table, writing while I can hear kids in the shower finishing up getting washed. Talia just started screaming....

...........

Well, it's been an hour since I stopped that last sentence. Talia came down the hall screaming because Elijah had hit her really hard on the back. After a day like today, I should have expected it. I didn't. I didn't have my armor on to handle it.

I can't even describe the emotions I feel when one of my children really hurts another one of my children. I went into the shower and just lost it on Elijah. "How dare you hit my daughter that way!" it came out in a bear voice. More mom monster. "How would you like it if every time I got angry with you that I hit you as hard as I could?".

He started crying, went to his room, got in his pajamas and got in bed, according to my instructions that were given amidst the yelling. I got frustrated with Talia because knowing her, she pushed his buttons until he blew up. Everyone then went to bed and I sat down on the floor by my couch and just cried. I cried a lot. My soul is heavy. I haven't given myself the room to get rid of everything going on inside of me. And today is a result of "one last straw" that broke the mom's back.

Joshua was still up, he came over and hugged me. Then I got up and loaded the dishwasher (the next morning is ALWAYS better when it is met with clean dishes), he got the ladder and came and said, "Help you!" and started rinsing the dishes in the sink and handing them to me.

Oh, if all my children were still two years old. No.... Oh, if I could have the energy of my two year old. The goodness, innocence and immediate forgiveness and "moving on" and letting go. He showed me what to do. One dish at a time, he smiled at me. He helped me. He stayed by me. He calmed me. This isn't the first time that one of you has done this for me. Every single one of you, at some point or another in your childhood, has comforted me and shown me the way.

There are so many mistakes that I make. So many mistakes. Today was one huge mistake all piled up into one. I got frustrated, got upset, yelled, lost it, and let anger take control of me today. I did anger all day today. Today I was very human. Today I need to be forgiven of my humanity.

I am oh so human. Oh my dear children. I can only pray and hope that the good out weighs the bad that I do. I can only pray that the Lord will make all the good things stand out in your mind more than the bad.

After crying and loading the dishwasher, I went in to tuck Talia in. She was, of course, crying softly. I just told her I'm sorry. I said, "I'm still learning how to do this. I don't do things right all the time. I'm so sorry. I love being your mom. My feelings had nothing to do with you, or what you did. It was MY choice to get upset. It was all my choice. You are not responsible for that." Then we said prayers in which I said the same things again.

"Dear Father, please forgive me for making mistakes today. Please apply the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life today. Please let Talia know that I love being her mom. I'm so glad I'm her mom and that she is my daughter. Please help her to know that it was my choice to get upset and to be angry. It had nothing to do with her. Please help her to always want to have a testimony of Jesus Christ. And HE is the only one and the only way that we can all be whole and have joy and faith in this life."

Then I repeated that process for Elijah and for Gabriel. I apologized. I told them it wasn't their fault. It was my choice. It was my choice to do an anger. And then I said the same prayer again with their names in it.

My kids. I make a mess of things sometimes. I really do. My self destructive thoughts on days like today, when I'm stressed out about money, about things in my family, things about each of you that are heavy on my mind, about things in my soul, about anxieties and depression, about stewardships and all the heavy things that weigh on a mom's heart so often... those self destructive thoughts are when the ship of my life is rocking "to and fro" on the stormy sea...

If the only thing I pass onto you is that Jesus is the way out... then that's all I pray for. He is the way. He is the ONLY way. He is the way to my heart. He is the way for me to be whole. He is the way for my life to mean anything. It is because of Him that I am forgiven and because of Him that I can do a little bit better tomorrow than I did today. If that is the only thing you leave my stewardship with, then that is enough.

Please know how much I love you. Even when I mess up. Even when I get so angry. Even when I don't know how to handle things. Even when I let the passion in my soul get the better of me. Even when I don't know how to do this "mom thing"... Even when all those things are there... I love you so fiercely. I love you passionately. I love you with my whole heart, mind and soul. I'm so grateful to be your mom.

I love you,

Your Mom

Conflict Counseling Over A Puzzle

Dear Kids,

Yesterday there was a debacle over a puzzle. Talia got a space puzzle for her birthday. She was putting it together and allowed Gabe to put it together with her... but not Elijah. Elijah was able to shake it off for that day. But the next morning I came home from the gym and was hopping in the shower. Talia and Joshua hopped in with me. When I went out to the living room before I got in Gabe said, "Talia said I could do this", as he held up the space puzzle. Elijah then spoke up and said, "Can I do it with him?" - to which I told Elijah that was okay. They went on their way to put it together.

I went and got in the shower and told Talia about it, so she was prepared to wrap her emotions around Elijah touching her puzzle. Since things like that are a REALLY big deal (who touched my stuff??? Don't touch my things! etc.) At this point when I told her about it, I expected it wouldn't be a problem because she seems fine with it when I told her.

Well, when she got out of the shower and walked out, she did what I thought she wouldn't do (since I thought I had prepared her) which was yell at Elijah for touching her puzzle. "I told Gabe he could touch it but not you! You can touch my things without asking me first!"

To which the yelling reply from the most incensed brother was, "Mom said I could!"

And the yelling ensued. Back and forth. I am sure any parent can picture it in their minds. Oh, the glorious sing-song of yelling... said no one ever.

I was still in the bathroom getting ready for the day when the out bursts came flooding down the hallway. I had this conversation in my head ... "Do I go get involved?"

My first instinct was to put my make up down, go down the hallway and tell Talia to knock it off.  But I took a moment to pause, and I decided that I needed to WAIT. So I kept getting ready. "They will either work it out or come to me for help" was the affirmation in my mind. So I waited.

It didn't take long for Elijah to came in with tears running down his cheeks, "I didn't do anything wrong! Talia is mad at me and I didn't do anything wrong! You said it was okay!" To Elijah's credit, he has been working REALLY hard lately to honor boundaries and control his hands and physical reactions. I was really proud of him to coming to me before he blew up and hit her.

The first thing I said was, "Tell me all about it." Then I sat down, held him and he told me about it. And I listened. Then I asked, "Do you need to talk to Talia? Or just needed to tell mom?" To which he replied that he wanted to talk to Talia. So I had him go get her. They came back.

At this point, they know the conflict management routine. I have done it enough with them that they know what to do. Each party gets a turn to say what they want to say without interruption from the other party. So I gave Elijah a chance to go first. He said, "You hurt my feelings! Mom said I could and then you got mad at me and I didn't do anything wrong!" Pause. Then I asked him if he had anything else he needed to say. "I'm done", came the sad, soft reply.

Then Talia got a turn. I told her it was her turn to talk without interruptions. So she retorted with the fact that she didn't care of I told him it was okay, it was still her puzzle and she wanted him to ask her for permission.

Pause. Folded arms across her chest and deep breathing.

I asked her if she was finished. She said she was through gritted teeth. Then I said, "Okay, I can see why both of you are frustrated. If I understand you correctly, Elijah felt sad because he thought it was okay to touch the puzzle (looked at him for nodding affirmation), and Talia felt frustrated because she wanted to be asked first. Is that correct?"

"Yes" came the reply.

"I can understand why both of you would feel that way."

Then I said, "So what do you think about how you can handle it if it happens again?"

I looked at Elijah and told him I was sorry that we didn't ask Talia first, and that next time we could check together to make sure it's okay. He said, "I think that's a good idea." Then I turned to Talia and she said, "I shouldn't have yelled."

Then came out the "I'm Sorry's" and they went bounding away.

It was about 10 minutes from start to finish of when Elijah came to find me for help. I sat there as they left and reaffirmed to myself that it is WORTH IT to take the time to teach them. To calm them. To validate them.

When conflict happens and I am in the proper emotional space (that is KEY! That I am in the proper emotional place to handle it. That I PAUSE and WAIT and BREATH) they get to:

1. Say how they feel without interruption.
2. I restate to make sure they feel validated and understood.
3. I ask them how they can change their tactic in the future.

The moments I DON'T take the time to go through this conflict counseling with my kids, during any situation, it never helps it be better. When I take the time to go through this same routine, it dissolves it so quickly... I'm still surprised by how fast it works.

I think part of the key is that I WAIT. Unless someone is getting hurt. If someone is getting hurt, I will involve myself at those moments to give everyone some cool down time. But the moments when they are just fighting, if I WAIT for someone to come to me first, it makes a huge difference with how I handle the situation. And sometimes they don't need to come to me for help, because they figure it out themselves.

Conflict management. I had no idea when I was doing this professionally how much it would make a difference for me in my parenting life. I also had no idea how easy it is to get my emotions so out of control as a parent! Learning how to center myself in parenting is the GREATEST refinement.

I love you kids,

Your Mom

What Do I Write About You

Dear Joshua,

I'm sitting here at my computer doing some writing. I am in my bed with pillow propping me up. It's a Saturday morning, your dad is just stirring from sleeping. My sleep in moments are until like 8am, where your dad can sleep for at least another hour.

You came to our bed. Wanted to take off your pajamas by yourself. Then came up and sat down right by me. You are sitting here by me and I'm realizing that there are so many muscles I have built in parenting. It's amazing to see how I handle you compared to my other kids. When you are sitting here by me I'm thinking, "What do I need to write about you little one? Your long eye lashes. How you are sitting here leaning against me. I look down at you and you smile up at me. What do I need to write about you?"

I can write about how you pulled all the diapers out of the box the other day and made a huge pile. When I saw it, I laughed. Years ago it would have been a pain. But now, my parenting muscles are such that I can look at you and say, "Let's clean up! Clean up song!" and we put it all away. My emotions aren't tied into the mess. I know it's no big deal to have things out of their place. They will be clean again when we work together.

I can write about how you are talking to the dog on the bed with such a sweet voice. Then you get licked by the dog and you look at me with huge eyes and say, "Lick me!"

I can write about how I heard the back door open and shut yesterday and when I went out I discovered you had dumped all the turtle food in a huge pile right on top of her. When I saw it you looked at me and said, "Tuttle eat-tang!" Something like that would tie my heart up because it was "just another mess to clean up" but now... it's no big deal.

I can see that a lot of my anxiety with my kids has been about messes, leaving the house on time, and yelling at each other. It's good for me to see how my parenting muscles have grown to the point where I can handle it now without getting emotionally wrapped up in the chaos of it all. I can see things for the importance that they are. I can see where the lessons need to happen. I can see what to let go.

I have a lot more years of parenting muscles to grow. So many more. I will keep writing about you, about your siblings and about how you made a difference in everything I do and decide to do.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Magic Words "I Noticed"

Dear Kids,

Every morning that I get up and go to the gym I listen to lectures and personal improvement books for about 20 minutes before moving to music.

I've been listening to a lot of parenting lectures at this point, especially to help me with our homeschool efforts. The one I'm listening to right now is talking and teaching about self concept, and praise vs. encouragement.

I KNOW you all respond SO much better to encouragement rather than praise. Something Jim McVay said is, basically when you praise a child, you are passing a judgement on them. "Good job for sitting up in your seat!"... that's a judgement that if the child doesn't sit up in their seat then they are being a bad student. Which isn't true. There are surface praise phrases that are the lazy way out. General praise phrases will kill your ability to connect with the child every time.

Instead it was suggested to use encouragement phrases. He gave some magical words. He said, "Use 'I NOTICED' ... " and then notice something VERY specific about the child.

For example, I did this with Elijah a lot yesterday. It was amazing how he responded! Usually he shoves off praise phrases. He is building his self concept and he pushes away anything that doesn't coorelate with how he feels about himself. I said to him at one point, "You are such a hard worker!" and guess what he said?? "No I'm not!".

But, in another moment while we were working I said this, "I noticed that you really cleaned up those corners!" Then guess what happened? When he went to clean the shelf underneath he went for the corners first. And he cleaned it SO WELL.

I didn't pass a judgement based on his behavior. I simple NOTICED him. That is all he wanted. And because of noticing, he could decide how he felt about it. I didn't pass a judgement on how he SHOULD feel about it.

I did this throughout the day. "I noticed that you really spread the mayonnaise on that bread". Then the next time he made a sandwich he was more confident doing it on his own.

Listening to these parenting lectures is helping me to prepare for my day. It is helping me to put my armor on for the day. I'm not going into the battle thinking that there isn't a battle going on. I'm ready for it and I have my head wrapped around how best to handle things for the day.

I believe so strongly in getting up 2 hours before everyone else in order to sharpen my saw. I believe in it SO MUCH.

I love you kids,

Your Mom

Keeping Our End Of The Bargain - Financial Abundance Around The Corner

Dear Kids,

Your dad and I keep learning financial spiritual lessons.

Both of us, in our past, haven't been great with our finances. Your father was negligent in reporting taxes when he was single and doing various business ventures (along with issues with partners and other things), and I haven't always been great about paying back my debts or being financial responsible. It's a weakness for both of us... but we can make the weakness into a strength~ We are doing our very best to make sure you learn these important financial lessons early in life.

We both grew up with a lot of scarcity in our homes and in our thought training and blueprint training. More than anything, our parents didn't achieve financial abundance themselves, and passed on various things to us. That is NOT to bad mouth your grandparents, all of them have abundance in many other areas of their lives, but not in finances... that is just a fact.

So this financial journey of ours has always been a very stretching experience for us. We hope to break the chains.

I had another interesting study this morning and related it to finances that I want to tell you about. I am reading in Mosiah, chapter seven. It is about a people who were put into bondage. There are SO MANY correlations with what we are experiencing and being taught, I needed to write it down to make sure I don't lose any thoughts while it's fresh.

Vs. 25: "For if this people had not fallen into transgression the Lord would not have suffered that this great evil should have come upon them."

How is this a PERFECT mirror for us right now? I am going to rephrase...

"For if Brent and Andrea had not fallen into financial negligence and stewardship transgression the Lord would not have allowed, through the effects of free agency and the power of creation, that this great evil of financial bondage should have come upon them."

We are learning lessons of abundance and scarcity YET AGAIN. These lessons are familiar at this point, but obviously there are some things that need to be engrained in our hearts and minds so we can in the future help and teach others. We are tight financially again. We are NOT in survival (thank heavens). The survival years were SO refining. But we are learning again about financial stewardships and the power of our creation and free agency involved in them. The IRS thing came back on our shoulders because of negligence on our part to cover all our bases. It was NOT an on purpose mistake of trying to deceive, it was very innocent, but non the less, our offer a few years ago was rejected and now we need to figure out how to get past it AGAIN. We started thinking in scarcity about 6-9 months ago, and here we are, manifesting what we have been feeding our lives in this way.

This has EVERYTHING to do with God and teaching us about these lessons. God and Christ are the Father of us. They are the ones who put these principles into place. It's not something they "did" to us to punish us, rather they are allowing us to grow within these principles and universal laws that they are in charge of.

Vs. 32: Now the promise of the Lord is fulfilled and ye are smitten and afflicted.

Rephrase: Now the promise of the Lord inside of free agency principles is fulfilled and you are smitten within the framework of God's laws.

Vs. 33: But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

This verse is so beautiful to me right now and has struct me so powerfully.

Rephrase: But if you, Brent and Andrea, will turn to the Lord with FULL purpose of heart within your financial stewardships and counting every dollar as you have been commanded to do, and put your trust in HIM and serve HIM within your personal revelations and commandments with all diligence of your mind and thoughts, if you will do this, HE WILL, according to His own will and time table of financial abundance, deliver you out of financial bondage.

Even though we are unprofitable and weak servants, that Lord will and can still use us for HIS purposes and it will be according to HIS timetable. He will deliver us... but this is a conditional promise. The visions we have had about our financial future are CONDITIONAL promises based on:

1. Turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart within our financial stewardship and counting every dollar.
2. Put trust in HIM and serve HIM within the personal revelations and commandments He has given to us about how to handle our lives and our stewardships.
3. Diligence in our minds and thoughts... DO NOT GIVE UP.

I wrote about the powerful revelation I had at the homeschool moms retreat last year. "You are where you are today because of the work you have put into your life 5-10 years ago. DON'T give up! Keep on the path of self improvement and working with the universal God creation principles!"

It's amazing to look back a year ago when that powerful revelation came and to see how easy it is to create the things that you are trying to avoid as well! We went into scarcity IN OUR THOUGHTS FIRST and then we started manifesting scarcity. We were negligent in the personal revelations we received about our morning routine and our habits and our "counting of every dollar" as a stewardship. I'm so grateful for this lesson, because it means that the Lord has given it to us for our benefit and learning.

We can turn this around with the Lord's help. I know it. I have faith in that promise, upon my faithfulness and diligence. I have faith the Lord wants all the things to come about in our lives that we have had visions about. We must keep diligent on this path. Don't give up! I know all of these things are just around the corner. I can see it and feel it and taste it. But it is FOR THE LORD'S purposes for our lives. We keep our part, He will keep His.

I love you kids. I know that you will have similar lessons in your lives. I hope that when you read about our experiences that it can help you along your path and journey as well.

I love you,

Your Mom