What Do I Write About You

Dear Joshua,

I'm sitting here at my computer doing some writing. I am in my bed with pillow propping me up. It's a Saturday morning, your dad is just stirring from sleeping. My sleep in moments are until like 8am, where your dad can sleep for at least another hour.

You came to our bed. Wanted to take off your pajamas by yourself. Then came up and sat down right by me. You are sitting here by me and I'm realizing that there are so many muscles I have built in parenting. It's amazing to see how I handle you compared to my other kids. When you are sitting here by me I'm thinking, "What do I need to write about you little one? Your long eye lashes. How you are sitting here leaning against me. I look down at you and you smile up at me. What do I need to write about you?"

I can write about how you pulled all the diapers out of the box the other day and made a huge pile. When I saw it, I laughed. Years ago it would have been a pain. But now, my parenting muscles are such that I can look at you and say, "Let's clean up! Clean up song!" and we put it all away. My emotions aren't tied into the mess. I know it's no big deal to have things out of their place. They will be clean again when we work together.

I can write about how you are talking to the dog on the bed with such a sweet voice. Then you get licked by the dog and you look at me with huge eyes and say, "Lick me!"

I can write about how I heard the back door open and shut yesterday and when I went out I discovered you had dumped all the turtle food in a huge pile right on top of her. When I saw it you looked at me and said, "Tuttle eat-tang!" Something like that would tie my heart up because it was "just another mess to clean up" but now... it's no big deal.

I can see that a lot of my anxiety with my kids has been about messes, leaving the house on time, and yelling at each other. It's good for me to see how my parenting muscles have grown to the point where I can handle it now without getting emotionally wrapped up in the chaos of it all. I can see things for the importance that they are. I can see where the lessons need to happen. I can see what to let go.

I have a lot more years of parenting muscles to grow. So many more. I will keep writing about you, about your siblings and about how you made a difference in everything I do and decide to do.

I love you,

Your Mom