Dear Kids,
Yesterday there was a debacle over a puzzle. Talia got a space puzzle for her birthday. She was putting it together and allowed Gabe to put it together with her... but not Elijah. Elijah was able to shake it off for that day. But the next morning I came home from the gym and was hopping in the shower. Talia and Joshua hopped in with me. When I went out to the living room before I got in Gabe said, "Talia said I could do this", as he held up the space puzzle. Elijah then spoke up and said, "Can I do it with him?" - to which I told Elijah that was okay. They went on their way to put it together.
I went and got in the shower and told Talia about it, so she was prepared to wrap her emotions around Elijah touching her puzzle. Since things like that are a REALLY big deal (who touched my stuff??? Don't touch my things! etc.) At this point when I told her about it, I expected it wouldn't be a problem because she seems fine with it when I told her.
Well, when she got out of the shower and walked out, she did what I thought she wouldn't do (since I thought I had prepared her) which was yell at Elijah for touching her puzzle. "I told Gabe he could touch it but not you! You can touch my things without asking me first!"
To which the yelling reply from the most incensed brother was, "Mom said I could!"
And the yelling ensued. Back and forth. I am sure any parent can picture it in their minds. Oh, the glorious sing-song of yelling... said no one ever.
I was still in the bathroom getting ready for the day when the out bursts came flooding down the hallway. I had this conversation in my head ... "Do I go get involved?"
My first instinct was to put my make up down, go down the hallway and tell Talia to knock it off. But I took a moment to pause, and I decided that I needed to WAIT. So I kept getting ready. "They will either work it out or come to me for help" was the affirmation in my mind. So I waited.
It didn't take long for Elijah to came in with tears running down his cheeks, "I didn't do anything wrong! Talia is mad at me and I didn't do anything wrong! You said it was okay!" To Elijah's credit, he has been working REALLY hard lately to honor boundaries and control his hands and physical reactions. I was really proud of him to coming to me before he blew up and hit her.
The first thing I said was, "Tell me all about it." Then I sat down, held him and he told me about it. And I listened. Then I asked, "Do you need to talk to Talia? Or just needed to tell mom?" To which he replied that he wanted to talk to Talia. So I had him go get her. They came back.
At this point, they know the conflict management routine. I have done it enough with them that they know what to do. Each party gets a turn to say what they want to say without interruption from the other party. So I gave Elijah a chance to go first. He said, "You hurt my feelings! Mom said I could and then you got mad at me and I didn't do anything wrong!" Pause. Then I asked him if he had anything else he needed to say. "I'm done", came the sad, soft reply.
Then Talia got a turn. I told her it was her turn to talk without interruptions. So she retorted with the fact that she didn't care of I told him it was okay, it was still her puzzle and she wanted him to ask her for permission.
Pause. Folded arms across her chest and deep breathing.
I asked her if she was finished. She said she was through gritted teeth. Then I said, "Okay, I can see why both of you are frustrated. If I understand you correctly, Elijah felt sad because he thought it was okay to touch the puzzle (looked at him for nodding affirmation), and Talia felt frustrated because she wanted to be asked first. Is that correct?"
"Yes" came the reply.
"I can understand why both of you would feel that way."
Then I said, "So what do you think about how you can handle it if it happens again?"
I looked at Elijah and told him I was sorry that we didn't ask Talia first, and that next time we could check together to make sure it's okay. He said, "I think that's a good idea." Then I turned to Talia and she said, "I shouldn't have yelled."
Then came out the "I'm Sorry's" and they went bounding away.
It was about 10 minutes from start to finish of when Elijah came to find me for help. I sat there as they left and reaffirmed to myself that it is WORTH IT to take the time to teach them. To calm them. To validate them.
When conflict happens and I am in the proper emotional space (that is KEY! That I am in the proper emotional place to handle it. That I PAUSE and WAIT and BREATH) they get to:
1. Say how they feel without interruption.
2. I restate to make sure they feel validated and understood.
3. I ask them how they can change their tactic in the future.
The moments I DON'T take the time to go through this conflict counseling with my kids, during any situation, it never helps it be better. When I take the time to go through this same routine, it dissolves it so quickly... I'm still surprised by how fast it works.
I think part of the key is that I WAIT. Unless someone is getting hurt. If someone is getting hurt, I will involve myself at those moments to give everyone some cool down time. But the moments when they are just fighting, if I WAIT for someone to come to me first, it makes a huge difference with how I handle the situation. And sometimes they don't need to come to me for help, because they figure it out themselves.
Conflict management. I had no idea when I was doing this professionally how much it would make a difference for me in my parenting life. I also had no idea how easy it is to get my emotions so out of control as a parent! Learning how to center myself in parenting is the GREATEST refinement.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
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