Dear Kids,
Today was a mom monster day. I was in my head with self destructive language ALL DAY LONG. I was bugged by everything and everyone and for the littlest things. The neighborhood kids were in and out of the house, I was bugged by them. My kids were fighting over the normal things, I was bugged by them. All the messes, every time I passed by ANOTHER MESS I just grunted to myself, "I'm so tired of all these messes!". All the fighting, every time I would hear it I said to myself, "I'm so tired of all the fighting!" All the things the kids wanted to do and bounced off of me (it had to go through me... like lemonade stands and such), I complained to myself, "I'm so tired of always getting interrupted! I'm so tired of always being the middle man for everything that everyone has to do!". All the yells of "mom!" just grated on my soul.
At quite a few points in the day I had to just take a break and go get on my knees, I'm pretty sure the is the only way no one was killed. Seriously. In reality I wanted to just crawl into my bed and stay there and just sit in my skin for a little while and not have anyone need me for anything.
Of course on days like today after "doing a lot of angers", I have a lot of mom guilt. "Why did I have to get so mad?" "Why couldn't I have handled it like this...?" ... all the thoughts of guilt. So then I choose in those moments to "do a discouragement" and it just becomes this endless cycle of horrible self counseling sessions.
I KNOW I'm not the only parent who experiences this. Luckily, I don't go into those self defeating behaviors often, but man, when I do I feel like I totally crash and burn.
So here I am at the table, writing while I can hear kids in the shower finishing up getting washed. Talia just started screaming....
...........
Well, it's been an hour since I stopped that last sentence. Talia came down the hall screaming because Elijah had hit her really hard on the back. After a day like today, I should have expected it. I didn't. I didn't have my armor on to handle it.
I can't even describe the emotions I feel when one of my children really hurts another one of my children. I went into the shower and just lost it on Elijah. "How dare you hit my daughter that way!" it came out in a bear voice. More mom monster. "How would you like it if every time I got angry with you that I hit you as hard as I could?".
He started crying, went to his room, got in his pajamas and got in bed, according to my instructions that were given amidst the yelling. I got frustrated with Talia because knowing her, she pushed his buttons until he blew up. Everyone then went to bed and I sat down on the floor by my couch and just cried. I cried a lot. My soul is heavy. I haven't given myself the room to get rid of everything going on inside of me. And today is a result of "one last straw" that broke the mom's back.
Joshua was still up, he came over and hugged me. Then I got up and loaded the dishwasher (the next morning is ALWAYS better when it is met with clean dishes), he got the ladder and came and said, "Help you!" and started rinsing the dishes in the sink and handing them to me.
Oh, if all my children were still two years old. No.... Oh, if I could have the energy of my two year old. The goodness, innocence and immediate forgiveness and "moving on" and letting go. He showed me what to do. One dish at a time, he smiled at me. He helped me. He stayed by me. He calmed me. This isn't the first time that one of you has done this for me. Every single one of you, at some point or another in your childhood, has comforted me and shown me the way.
There are so many mistakes that I make. So many mistakes. Today was one huge mistake all piled up into one. I got frustrated, got upset, yelled, lost it, and let anger take control of me today. I did anger all day today. Today I was very human. Today I need to be forgiven of my humanity.
I am oh so human. Oh my dear children. I can only pray and hope that the good out weighs the bad that I do. I can only pray that the Lord will make all the good things stand out in your mind more than the bad.
After crying and loading the dishwasher, I went in to tuck Talia in. She was, of course, crying softly. I just told her I'm sorry. I said, "I'm still learning how to do this. I don't do things right all the time. I'm so sorry. I love being your mom. My feelings had nothing to do with you, or what you did. It was MY choice to get upset. It was all my choice. You are not responsible for that." Then we said prayers in which I said the same things again.
"Dear Father, please forgive me for making mistakes today. Please apply the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life today. Please let Talia know that I love being her mom. I'm so glad I'm her mom and that she is my daughter. Please help her to know that it was my choice to get upset and to be angry. It had nothing to do with her. Please help her to always want to have a testimony of Jesus Christ. And HE is the only one and the only way that we can all be whole and have joy and faith in this life."
Then I repeated that process for Elijah and for Gabriel. I apologized. I told them it wasn't their fault. It was my choice. It was my choice to do an anger. And then I said the same prayer again with their names in it.
My kids. I make a mess of things sometimes. I really do. My self destructive thoughts on days like today, when I'm stressed out about money, about things in my family, things about each of you that are heavy on my mind, about things in my soul, about anxieties and depression, about stewardships and all the heavy things that weigh on a mom's heart so often... those self destructive thoughts are when the ship of my life is rocking "to and fro" on the stormy sea...
If the only thing I pass onto you is that Jesus is the way out... then that's all I pray for. He is the way. He is the ONLY way. He is the way to my heart. He is the way for me to be whole. He is the way for my life to mean anything. It is because of Him that I am forgiven and because of Him that I can do a little bit better tomorrow than I did today. If that is the only thing you leave my stewardship with, then that is enough.
Please know how much I love you. Even when I mess up. Even when I get so angry. Even when I don't know how to handle things. Even when I let the passion in my soul get the better of me. Even when I don't know how to do this "mom thing"... Even when all those things are there... I love you so fiercely. I love you passionately. I love you with my whole heart, mind and soul. I'm so grateful to be your mom.
I love you,
Your Mom
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