Dear Joshua,
I have to tell you the cutest story from over the weekend.
Your dad had to deliver a greenhouse up north and last minute we decided to go up together with him. So we crashed at Krista's house and Monday we decided to go to the gardens at Thanksgiving Point - which was pretty much one of the only things that were open.
They were beautiful! One of the places in the garden was called the "Light the World" exhibit. There is a sculpture, Angela Johnson, that put the sculptures together. They were of 15 different stories that happened with Christ in the New Testament.
It was such a spiritual experience for me. Lately there has been a bit of a "wall" in my meditation and communion times with the Lord, it is something that I have put up for different reasons that are for a different post, but I've been really missing Jesus. A LOT.
When you walk into the exhibit there is a sculpture of Jesus walking on water with the phrase, "Be not afraid, it is I."
It brought me to my knees and I immediately started just sobbing. Here He is! My Savior and telling me, BE NOT AFRAID. It was exactly what my soul needed in that moment. I wasn't even expecting it as we were walking through the gardens together. I knew we were going to the exhibit, but the spirit just hit me across the head, so powerfully, and I can't even say how much my heart needed it. I needed the reminder of, "It is I."
The next part that hit my soul was when we were going past some statues and I asked you, "Joshua, who is that?"
"Jesus."
"That's right!"
"...Jesus talks to me."
That stopped me in my tracks.
"Jesus? He talks to you? When does He talk to you?"
"Oh, He talks to me. He was gone, then He came back to talk to me again."
I just sat there looking at you while you were walking and talking so matter-of-factly about such an amazing thing.
You kept hopping over the rocks and going from statue to statue. You were so simple about it. And again it came to me so directly that THAT is exactly how it should be with all of us. He talks to me! And in the millennium the personal reach and one on one teaching that He will always be doing with everyone is something that will be a common place occurrence. How beautiful! How amazing!
You were my example of that. You ARE my example of how to live my life everyday. Simply. Happily. Matter of factly. Faithfully. Vulnerably. Honestly.
Thank you for being my example. Thank you for coming to our family. Thank you for telling me that Jesus talks to you. And reminding me that Jesus talks to me as well.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Attacks, Constant Attacks and Looking at Evidences
Dear Kids,
So part of this spiritual learning are the ups and downs that come with it. I have been in a total funk!
It's fascinating to see how Satan plays with thoughts, desires, emotions, and all of it. I have been attacked like crazy!
"You are making this up"
"It is all in your mind"
"None of this is working"
"This doesn't matter, just stop"
"No good is coming from the energy work"
"Energy work isn't real"
"Picturing light transferring does absolutely nothing"
"How could you ever think you could heal people"
"It's not making any difference"
"Your kids aren't being protected"
"Angels aren't doing any real work"
"All there is is the physical realm"
"When you see Jesus in your mind's eye, it isn't really Him. He wouldn't come to you"
"The success of the greenhouses has nothing to do your work, it all has to do with what's happening with the market"
"Nothing you do is making a difference for anyone"
"Jesus doesn't need to come to you everyday. He has other things to do"
Oh my goodness.... I have been attacked like crazy. Enough that when I sit down to meditate I just don't even know if I should.
All I need to do is look at the evidences to see all these thoughts are the ACTUAL lies. Evidences that I've seen:
-I miss Jesus. I haven't communicated with Him directly for a few weeks. I don't have the same character capabilities as when I was.
-He was visiting me EVERYDAY and I miss having Him near me.
-I had so much more patience and perspective with my kids. SO MUCH MORE.
-My body was doing better, my stomach wasn't bothering me as much.
-I had excitement about doing my everyday tasks, they all had a higher purpose. Now, without that perspective they are just mundane and I don't want to do them at all.
-Brent was having (and still is) immense success with greenhouses and work, consistent work. I can see that the Lord knew (obviously) what was going to happen and was preparing us for this change in the market and what it would mean with how we can apply our skills to help people.
-The kids were so much more kind, not as much anger when I was blessing them spiritually everyday. Elijah was so much happier.
-I was happier when I was having immense spiritual experiences... that was a HUGE evidence, just that my capabilities were expanding so much.
-I was keeping up with my home.
-I was having personal direction everyday with how to use my time. Now, without the spiritual capacity I am feeling so much more aimless.
-My heart was able to help people around me. I didn't feel as overwhelmed.
It is fascinating to see all the differences. I can't believe how much I've been attacked. which helps me know more and more that we are on the right path! I can't go back to not doing this. I have to keep on this path. And it isn't just meditation... it is having spiritual experiences with my Savior, that He cares for me enough to see me everyday, anyway that I need Him. it is amazing to see the difference without that support. I must have His support! And I've allowed for openings in our protection around our home.
So... onward and upward. We have committed to each other again (your dad and I) to meditate 6 days a week - especially during the show. We can't let it go. We can't let it down. Anytime I really take it to the spirit to ask whether or not this is important to keep in our lives, every time the spirit literally shakes me, "Don't you quit!!! Don't you give up on this path! Don't let up!".
I had a meditation last night that was a bit better. I was able to find the space in my minds eye again. I didn't have a visit, but that's okay - because I could feel my spirit connecting to everything around me again. And already, another evidence, my capability today is already so much better, my perspective is so much better and able to handle the attacks of the day. And the meditation experience I had was just super simple.
I love you kids. I can't give up on this path of my Godhood! This is all part of it.
I love you,
Your Mom
So part of this spiritual learning are the ups and downs that come with it. I have been in a total funk!
It's fascinating to see how Satan plays with thoughts, desires, emotions, and all of it. I have been attacked like crazy!
"You are making this up"
"It is all in your mind"
"None of this is working"
"This doesn't matter, just stop"
"No good is coming from the energy work"
"Energy work isn't real"
"Picturing light transferring does absolutely nothing"
"How could you ever think you could heal people"
"It's not making any difference"
"Your kids aren't being protected"
"Angels aren't doing any real work"
"All there is is the physical realm"
"When you see Jesus in your mind's eye, it isn't really Him. He wouldn't come to you"
"The success of the greenhouses has nothing to do your work, it all has to do with what's happening with the market"
"Nothing you do is making a difference for anyone"
"Jesus doesn't need to come to you everyday. He has other things to do"
Oh my goodness.... I have been attacked like crazy. Enough that when I sit down to meditate I just don't even know if I should.
All I need to do is look at the evidences to see all these thoughts are the ACTUAL lies. Evidences that I've seen:
-I miss Jesus. I haven't communicated with Him directly for a few weeks. I don't have the same character capabilities as when I was.
-He was visiting me EVERYDAY and I miss having Him near me.
-I had so much more patience and perspective with my kids. SO MUCH MORE.
-My body was doing better, my stomach wasn't bothering me as much.
-I had excitement about doing my everyday tasks, they all had a higher purpose. Now, without that perspective they are just mundane and I don't want to do them at all.
-Brent was having (and still is) immense success with greenhouses and work, consistent work. I can see that the Lord knew (obviously) what was going to happen and was preparing us for this change in the market and what it would mean with how we can apply our skills to help people.
-The kids were so much more kind, not as much anger when I was blessing them spiritually everyday. Elijah was so much happier.
-I was happier when I was having immense spiritual experiences... that was a HUGE evidence, just that my capabilities were expanding so much.
-I was keeping up with my home.
-I was having personal direction everyday with how to use my time. Now, without the spiritual capacity I am feeling so much more aimless.
-My heart was able to help people around me. I didn't feel as overwhelmed.
It is fascinating to see all the differences. I can't believe how much I've been attacked. which helps me know more and more that we are on the right path! I can't go back to not doing this. I have to keep on this path. And it isn't just meditation... it is having spiritual experiences with my Savior, that He cares for me enough to see me everyday, anyway that I need Him. it is amazing to see the difference without that support. I must have His support! And I've allowed for openings in our protection around our home.
I had a meditation last night that was a bit better. I was able to find the space in my minds eye again. I didn't have a visit, but that's okay - because I could feel my spirit connecting to everything around me again. And already, another evidence, my capability today is already so much better, my perspective is so much better and able to handle the attacks of the day. And the meditation experience I had was just super simple.
I love you kids. I can't give up on this path of my Godhood! This is all part of it.
I love you,
Your Mom
Friday, May 15, 2020
Further Spiritual Growth - Facing Satan In The Future
Dear Kids,
In order to maintain a relationship with the Lord it takes consistent work. And completely faith in yourself that He wants to be with you and talk with you personally.
Your dad and I have been on this spiritual journey that has taken us to new levels in our spirituality. It's been so beautiful to feel and experience! Before we started this journey we were avoiding it for a couple of months.
We were feeling from the spirit to "level up"... But because of life experience, we completely knew, with eye's wide open, what it meant to level up. The greater responsibility that would be on our shoulders because of the greater knowledge, and we had to take a couple of months to really decide that we wanted that responsibility.
There was a time in my youth when I wasn't afraid at all of what that greater responsibility really means. I know that is one reason why the Lord calls on youth so often - you are in such a better position to really take on what the Lord wants you to do because of willingness and, in a way, because of the naivety and innocence of youth.
After feeling the pain of life, the experiences of expansion of your soul, knowing the pain that comes with that soul stretching, when we knew it was time to level up, we were truly going in with eyes wide open to understanding exactly what that entailed. In order to level up in our spirituality, there was going to be pushing and pulling on our souls. We were pretty comfortable where we were, and in a way, we were totally okay with that space. We were keeping the commandments of God, we were covenant keepers, we were loving our family, we were doing all the basic things in order to be happy in the gospel (and we were)... but there was this longing for more, for more spiritual experiences, for seeking to see the face of God.
So after a couple of months of coming to understanding we finally gave into the spirit's promptings and dove into the waters of being carried away in the spirit.
I'm SO GLAD WE DID. Wow, what a journey it has been! It's been so amazing to feel the expansion of our souls and know the Lord is leading us along. We've had unbelievable experiences with our Savior in our "eye of faith" moments of our meditation and communion. We've been able to bless our children and our home with bathing it in the glorious light of the priesthood power that we've been endowed with.
Just about a month ago I had an experience in a meditation where all of a sudden I knew someone was there. Someone was there in the room with me. I didn't know who it was. It was so stark and sudden that I blinked my eyes open, completely prepared to see a heavenly messenger, not just in my mind's eye, but with my physical eyes.
The room was dark. I didn't see anyone. But I had the distinct impression to read in the D&C about visitors in order to make sure and review what I needed to do so I am prepared to receive a visitation and know if it's from God.
But, once again, there is always a flip side. On the road of expansion there is always a flip side. And the flip side of this is that I have to be prepared that visitors from Satan will also try and come.
I have always had a very close ability to feel the "dark side" per say. That term, normally used in star wars stories, is so applicable here. Satan and I were good friends, it tells me that in my blessing and I've other blessings that have enumerated that even further. He isn't happy with me that I have chosen Jesus. He's unhappy that Brent and I have made it through all our hardships and are still intact as a family and as a couple. He wants to destroy us.
I am so hyper aware of this that I started to get scared. The Lord is asking me to "level up" again. And I'm pushing against it. I was talking to your dad about it the other day and he has been feeling the same thing. We just reached such a beautiful space in "this" level of spirituality now... we want to stay here! it is the same pattern that we felt before, we want to stay where we are comfortable with "this level" of spiritual communion experiences.
But that is not the way of the Lord's servants. He is pushing us to another place, I can feel it, Brent can feel it, and I have been avoiding it a bit.
And wow.... I can feel a huge different in myself and in my capability. I haven't been going into my meditations as willing to receive anything. Especially because I don't want to face the reality of the responsibility that comes with further light and knowledge! I have to admit that to myself. I have been wanting to avoid this next space because I am afraid of the dark side of it. I am afraid of having a messenger from Satan come first.
We are shown that in the temple. When Adam and Eve were asking for messengers, Satan was the first to come, not the apostles. And when Joseph Smith went into the grove, Satan came first and bound him before he was delivered.
Once again I can see that a "level up" is going to be happening and I am going in with eyes wide open and understand exactly what that means as far as both sides of the veil goes. I want to be able to give my all to the Lord, but then when I face the reality of what that means, I feel myself holding back.
I know He is so pleased with what we have done so far. I know that for sure. He is happy anytime one of His children do the work that we've been doing in order to feel heaven so near. But after having a couple of weeks of spiritual hesitation, I can feel the difference in my soul.
I can feel a different in my capability with my family, with my children, with my experiences with my Savior, with Brent, with all of it. My character of handling the enticements of the day has been weakening. And it is because I have been avoiding it... just like Jonah. The more experiences I have as I grow, the more empathy I have for Jonah and asking, "Where can I run?".
But I must not run. I must not.
This is our charge, to move to the next space in spirituality because our Savior is coming back to the earth. He is returning and he has called us to be a part of it. Whatever fear is in my heart about any kind of spiritual growth, and what that means for facing Satan, I must give to God.
I must not give into fear, especially not to the enemy of my soul.
It helps to type it out. Besides Brent, I haven't talked to anyone really about this. There has been a few friends that I've mentioned a bit to, but not all of it. And that's appropriate. I know the Lord wants me to tutor people, I know that is a part of this path and tutoring means having all kinds of spiritual experiences. There is an element of me that is afraid of facing Satan.
I must ask myself why. Why am I afraid of him when I know the Savior is so much stronger?
It is because I care about him. That sounds funny. But I know him intimately. Not from this earth, but from the world and existence before. I care about him. And he doesn't care about me. He wants my destruction. There isn't even an ounce of caring from him. It is all for pride and manipulation. And he is angry at me.
So I must put on my armor and face my fears. Not because I won't be afraid, but because I can be brave in Christ. The Lord will not abandon me. But I have to be ready to stand up from what I know. Moses saw Satan as well after having so many manifestations from Christ. And I remember exactly what Moses did. He stood up to Satan. He did not give into darkness.
I have a deeply rooted part of my personality that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. Well... I have to go into this with full understanding that I am going to disappoint Satan because I am a daughter of God and I will not worship him. "Who are you that I should worship you? I am a daughter of God. God will help me and release me."
Christ is my deliverer. Period.
I've needed to process this for some time. Your dad and I talked about up while we were delivering greenhouses as well. I started crying when I told him about all of it. He has been feeling the same push for further spiritual growth as well. We will experience it together.
I love you kids.
Your Mom
In order to maintain a relationship with the Lord it takes consistent work. And completely faith in yourself that He wants to be with you and talk with you personally.
Your dad and I have been on this spiritual journey that has taken us to new levels in our spirituality. It's been so beautiful to feel and experience! Before we started this journey we were avoiding it for a couple of months.
We were feeling from the spirit to "level up"... But because of life experience, we completely knew, with eye's wide open, what it meant to level up. The greater responsibility that would be on our shoulders because of the greater knowledge, and we had to take a couple of months to really decide that we wanted that responsibility.
There was a time in my youth when I wasn't afraid at all of what that greater responsibility really means. I know that is one reason why the Lord calls on youth so often - you are in such a better position to really take on what the Lord wants you to do because of willingness and, in a way, because of the naivety and innocence of youth.
After feeling the pain of life, the experiences of expansion of your soul, knowing the pain that comes with that soul stretching, when we knew it was time to level up, we were truly going in with eyes wide open to understanding exactly what that entailed. In order to level up in our spirituality, there was going to be pushing and pulling on our souls. We were pretty comfortable where we were, and in a way, we were totally okay with that space. We were keeping the commandments of God, we were covenant keepers, we were loving our family, we were doing all the basic things in order to be happy in the gospel (and we were)... but there was this longing for more, for more spiritual experiences, for seeking to see the face of God.
So after a couple of months of coming to understanding we finally gave into the spirit's promptings and dove into the waters of being carried away in the spirit.
I'm SO GLAD WE DID. Wow, what a journey it has been! It's been so amazing to feel the expansion of our souls and know the Lord is leading us along. We've had unbelievable experiences with our Savior in our "eye of faith" moments of our meditation and communion. We've been able to bless our children and our home with bathing it in the glorious light of the priesthood power that we've been endowed with.
Just about a month ago I had an experience in a meditation where all of a sudden I knew someone was there. Someone was there in the room with me. I didn't know who it was. It was so stark and sudden that I blinked my eyes open, completely prepared to see a heavenly messenger, not just in my mind's eye, but with my physical eyes.
The room was dark. I didn't see anyone. But I had the distinct impression to read in the D&C about visitors in order to make sure and review what I needed to do so I am prepared to receive a visitation and know if it's from God.
But, once again, there is always a flip side. On the road of expansion there is always a flip side. And the flip side of this is that I have to be prepared that visitors from Satan will also try and come.
I have always had a very close ability to feel the "dark side" per say. That term, normally used in star wars stories, is so applicable here. Satan and I were good friends, it tells me that in my blessing and I've other blessings that have enumerated that even further. He isn't happy with me that I have chosen Jesus. He's unhappy that Brent and I have made it through all our hardships and are still intact as a family and as a couple. He wants to destroy us.
I am so hyper aware of this that I started to get scared. The Lord is asking me to "level up" again. And I'm pushing against it. I was talking to your dad about it the other day and he has been feeling the same thing. We just reached such a beautiful space in "this" level of spirituality now... we want to stay here! it is the same pattern that we felt before, we want to stay where we are comfortable with "this level" of spiritual communion experiences.
But that is not the way of the Lord's servants. He is pushing us to another place, I can feel it, Brent can feel it, and I have been avoiding it a bit.
And wow.... I can feel a huge different in myself and in my capability. I haven't been going into my meditations as willing to receive anything. Especially because I don't want to face the reality of the responsibility that comes with further light and knowledge! I have to admit that to myself. I have been wanting to avoid this next space because I am afraid of the dark side of it. I am afraid of having a messenger from Satan come first.
We are shown that in the temple. When Adam and Eve were asking for messengers, Satan was the first to come, not the apostles. And when Joseph Smith went into the grove, Satan came first and bound him before he was delivered.
Once again I can see that a "level up" is going to be happening and I am going in with eyes wide open and understand exactly what that means as far as both sides of the veil goes. I want to be able to give my all to the Lord, but then when I face the reality of what that means, I feel myself holding back.
I know He is so pleased with what we have done so far. I know that for sure. He is happy anytime one of His children do the work that we've been doing in order to feel heaven so near. But after having a couple of weeks of spiritual hesitation, I can feel the difference in my soul.
I can feel a different in my capability with my family, with my children, with my experiences with my Savior, with Brent, with all of it. My character of handling the enticements of the day has been weakening. And it is because I have been avoiding it... just like Jonah. The more experiences I have as I grow, the more empathy I have for Jonah and asking, "Where can I run?".
But I must not run. I must not.
This is our charge, to move to the next space in spirituality because our Savior is coming back to the earth. He is returning and he has called us to be a part of it. Whatever fear is in my heart about any kind of spiritual growth, and what that means for facing Satan, I must give to God.
I must not give into fear, especially not to the enemy of my soul.
It helps to type it out. Besides Brent, I haven't talked to anyone really about this. There has been a few friends that I've mentioned a bit to, but not all of it. And that's appropriate. I know the Lord wants me to tutor people, I know that is a part of this path and tutoring means having all kinds of spiritual experiences. There is an element of me that is afraid of facing Satan.
I must ask myself why. Why am I afraid of him when I know the Savior is so much stronger?
It is because I care about him. That sounds funny. But I know him intimately. Not from this earth, but from the world and existence before. I care about him. And he doesn't care about me. He wants my destruction. There isn't even an ounce of caring from him. It is all for pride and manipulation. And he is angry at me.
So I must put on my armor and face my fears. Not because I won't be afraid, but because I can be brave in Christ. The Lord will not abandon me. But I have to be ready to stand up from what I know. Moses saw Satan as well after having so many manifestations from Christ. And I remember exactly what Moses did. He stood up to Satan. He did not give into darkness.
I have a deeply rooted part of my personality that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. Well... I have to go into this with full understanding that I am going to disappoint Satan because I am a daughter of God and I will not worship him. "Who are you that I should worship you? I am a daughter of God. God will help me and release me."
Christ is my deliverer. Period.
I've needed to process this for some time. Your dad and I talked about up while we were delivering greenhouses as well. I started crying when I told him about all of it. He has been feeling the same push for further spiritual growth as well. We will experience it together.
I love you kids.
Your Mom
Friday, May 1, 2020
Memories of 2019
Dear Kids (Written Dec 2019),
It's almost 2020.
Can you believe it? Everyone thought the world was going to end 20 years ago, and here we are, still ticking forward.
At the beginning of a New Year, I like to give an accomplishment list from the old year. I think it's important to do an emotional inventory of accomplishments! Here we go:
-THE BIG ONE: Mom and Dad's trip to Italy!! It was amazing! Seeing the Rome Temple, doing work there, touring all over Italy, seeing all the famous sites and places. Tasting the food, hearing all the sounds, the language, the monuments, soccer game, IT WAS AWESOME! We had saved up for 10 years to make that trip. Totally worth it!
-We did the Play "The King and I" together as a family! The show started in Jan. 2019 and finished in Feb. 2019. We made new friends, had a great experience, the kids got GREAT stage time, it was awesome.
-I went to Boise to help Shayla, post cancer treatments. Then I shaved my head together with the other girls in my family to show support for her going through it all. I must say, that shaving my head was one of the most liberating things that I've done for a long time.
-The kids did two craft fairs, one in the spring and one in the fall. They did pretty good!
-The kids and I started a dog-sitting business. They've had a BLAST with it. They have learned great new skills for taking care of animals, they aren't nearly as worried about being around dogs, they aren't afraid to pick up poop anymore, it's been a win-win for sure.
-Gabe did his first big painting art project of a lioness and her cub. I helped him just a bit, but he did about 80% of it on his own! It was awesome.
-The Robbins moved into our neighborhood in July, just about five doors down from us. It's been fun to have the cousins so close to play with and keep in contact with.
-Tate and Paden came to St. George for a couple of weeks while Shayla recovered from her last chemo treatment. It was so fun to have them here! We played in the river, went to the pool, did rock climbing. It was nice to spend more time together with the cousins.
-Talia and I went to quite a few stage shows together this past year. We went and saw "The Pajama Game" and "When You Wish Together", those were her favorite for sure. She is constantly wanting to go shopping, or "just go" somewhere with me to have quality girl time.
-We went on quite a few homeschooling field trips with the homeschooling community here. It's such an active community.
-We joined a Co-op in the fall! It's a nature based co-op and the kids have LOVED it. They have made some really good friends there already. I have loved the ladies that are part of the co-op, they have helped me so much with my motherhood, and homeschooling endeavors.
-Did a Kvarfordt family reunion at Bear Lake, and Mimi was able to come! We went to the lake, did crafts, did family pictures, did a water slide (I took pictures), and lots of stuff.
-Gabe interviewed the mayor of St. George, Jon Pike. That was a GREAT experience for him. He was really excited about it and felt very important doing it.
-Talia started violin lessons, Elijah started parkour lessons, Gabe started Ninja warrior classes. Gabe and Talia still took piano all year, and Talia's piano mind has TOTALLY turned on!
-I taught a leadership class at Fire Canyon Academy this past semester, and I also did "Hi Five Live" videos for Women of Worth about "Living Spiritually Centered". I LOVE teaching the gospel and the application of the gospel in daily life. I love doing it.
-I hoped to chair a homeschool mom's retreat in September. The Committee planned it for quite a few months, and my good friend Ganel-Lyn Condie, came and spoke at it. It was very fulfilling to be part of the planning committee again this year, and I will be on the committee again next year!
-Gabe and Elijah both did community football this past year, and also basketball through the rec center. Talia and Gabe did a pottery class during the summer time and LOVED it!
-Gabe, Talia and Elijah were part of the "Epic" Choir this year, performed at Christmas time and practiced every Friday.
-I prepared over 1,000 meals for my family this year, did 1,000 loads of laundry, swapped out clothing multiple times because of all growing bodies in our home, bathed and showered my kids 200+ times, read books with my kids 500+ times, finished multiple chapter books myself, Gabe read 40 chapter books this year, Talia read 25 chapter books this year, Elijah read 200+ books with me this year, Joshua read about the same. I helped with 30+ efforts of my kids to earn money, I hosted five birthday parties, one friend dinner party for Talia, and.... all that other mom stuff!
-I was there during Shirlyn's baby delivery! Jeremii Wanlass. I LOVE attending births of people that I know and love so much.
-Dad and I completed the 30 day meditation goal challenge. IT IS AWESOME.
-Went camping with the family to a GREAT little spot by Baker Dam. The kids had such a great time and we needed to unplug something fierce. I want more of that, it leads to heart time for sure.
-Dad went to the "Wild at Heart" Retreat for Men and it was life changing and life saving for him.
It's almost 2020.
Can you believe it? Everyone thought the world was going to end 20 years ago, and here we are, still ticking forward.
At the beginning of a New Year, I like to give an accomplishment list from the old year. I think it's important to do an emotional inventory of accomplishments! Here we go:
-THE BIG ONE: Mom and Dad's trip to Italy!! It was amazing! Seeing the Rome Temple, doing work there, touring all over Italy, seeing all the famous sites and places. Tasting the food, hearing all the sounds, the language, the monuments, soccer game, IT WAS AWESOME! We had saved up for 10 years to make that trip. Totally worth it!
-We did the Play "The King and I" together as a family! The show started in Jan. 2019 and finished in Feb. 2019. We made new friends, had a great experience, the kids got GREAT stage time, it was awesome.
-I went to Boise to help Shayla, post cancer treatments. Then I shaved my head together with the other girls in my family to show support for her going through it all. I must say, that shaving my head was one of the most liberating things that I've done for a long time.
-The kids did two craft fairs, one in the spring and one in the fall. They did pretty good!
-The kids and I started a dog-sitting business. They've had a BLAST with it. They have learned great new skills for taking care of animals, they aren't nearly as worried about being around dogs, they aren't afraid to pick up poop anymore, it's been a win-win for sure.
-Gabe did his first big painting art project of a lioness and her cub. I helped him just a bit, but he did about 80% of it on his own! It was awesome.
-The Robbins moved into our neighborhood in July, just about five doors down from us. It's been fun to have the cousins so close to play with and keep in contact with.
-Tate and Paden came to St. George for a couple of weeks while Shayla recovered from her last chemo treatment. It was so fun to have them here! We played in the river, went to the pool, did rock climbing. It was nice to spend more time together with the cousins.
-Talia and I went to quite a few stage shows together this past year. We went and saw "The Pajama Game" and "When You Wish Together", those were her favorite for sure. She is constantly wanting to go shopping, or "just go" somewhere with me to have quality girl time.
-We went on quite a few homeschooling field trips with the homeschooling community here. It's such an active community.
-We joined a Co-op in the fall! It's a nature based co-op and the kids have LOVED it. They have made some really good friends there already. I have loved the ladies that are part of the co-op, they have helped me so much with my motherhood, and homeschooling endeavors.
-Did a Kvarfordt family reunion at Bear Lake, and Mimi was able to come! We went to the lake, did crafts, did family pictures, did a water slide (I took pictures), and lots of stuff.
-Gabe interviewed the mayor of St. George, Jon Pike. That was a GREAT experience for him. He was really excited about it and felt very important doing it.
-Talia started violin lessons, Elijah started parkour lessons, Gabe started Ninja warrior classes. Gabe and Talia still took piano all year, and Talia's piano mind has TOTALLY turned on!
-I taught a leadership class at Fire Canyon Academy this past semester, and I also did "Hi Five Live" videos for Women of Worth about "Living Spiritually Centered". I LOVE teaching the gospel and the application of the gospel in daily life. I love doing it.
-I hoped to chair a homeschool mom's retreat in September. The Committee planned it for quite a few months, and my good friend Ganel-Lyn Condie, came and spoke at it. It was very fulfilling to be part of the planning committee again this year, and I will be on the committee again next year!
-Gabe and Elijah both did community football this past year, and also basketball through the rec center. Talia and Gabe did a pottery class during the summer time and LOVED it!
-Gabe, Talia and Elijah were part of the "Epic" Choir this year, performed at Christmas time and practiced every Friday.
-I prepared over 1,000 meals for my family this year, did 1,000 loads of laundry, swapped out clothing multiple times because of all growing bodies in our home, bathed and showered my kids 200+ times, read books with my kids 500+ times, finished multiple chapter books myself, Gabe read 40 chapter books this year, Talia read 25 chapter books this year, Elijah read 200+ books with me this year, Joshua read about the same. I helped with 30+ efforts of my kids to earn money, I hosted five birthday parties, one friend dinner party for Talia, and.... all that other mom stuff!
-I was there during Shirlyn's baby delivery! Jeremii Wanlass. I LOVE attending births of people that I know and love so much.
-Dad and I completed the 30 day meditation goal challenge. IT IS AWESOME.
-Went camping with the family to a GREAT little spot by Baker Dam. The kids had such a great time and we needed to unplug something fierce. I want more of that, it leads to heart time for sure.
-Dad went to the "Wild at Heart" Retreat for Men and it was life changing and life saving for him.
Processing with Self
(Written Sept 2019) Today I don't want to address my kids. I want to address just my own thoughts without thinking about kids involved. They will read this at some point, but it is completely for me and my own processing and addressing my kids seems like a disingenuous thing to do while I'm going through how I'm thinking and feeling about everything.
Right now I'm just talking to myself.
Hi self.
Nice to talk to you.
Remember when we were standing in our bedroom and we started listening to a self help book and then we completely rejected it emotionally because of remembrances from when we were little?
Mom would always listen to something to improve herself. While she was doing laundry, the dishes, cleaning, everything around the house, she was constantly filling up her mind and heart with something. It's something that I've always admired about her, is how much she is constantly trying to improve. Well, in that moment of memory we had a huge processing session.
It's even hard to write down into words. I feel like I'm my mom. I'm home with the kids and working on changing all these thought patterns and beliefs. Working on visualization and changing our world and our reality to accept bigger stewardships. And I got completely overwhelmed with a depression. Many triggers hit me. The triggers were this:
Mom was always doing this, doing something to improve her state of being and her mind and emotions. yet right now her body is falling apart. She isn't aging gracefully. Their circumstances haven't changed for 30 years. They are still in the same financial bondage as they have been for 30 years with the business, and taxes, and all the other stuff. So if she was always working on her stuff... then why isn't it any different?
Then I went into the trigger of, maybe it was dad. Maybe it all resides within dad. That she was working on changing their space and circumstances emotionally and spiritually and he was the one that never got out of the pattern, and so here they are 30 years later with nothing to show for it. Maybe it was him and she did all she could and she got really tired. She got tired of trying to change it all and she got tired of keeping herself positive waiting for different results and she got tired enough that the last 10 years she has just completely let it all go and declined physically and financially.
I can't believe that after listening to everything I know, doing all the work that I've been doing on my mind and my heart and all my thought patterns that they have just stayed in this position because "it's their lot in life". They are in this pattern because they have chosen to stay there... but did mom chose to stop the emotional work because dad wasn't choosing "in". He was always stressed out with the business and all his stuff with his dad and all the junk that associated all of that, he was never able to emotionally break free and take off with the potential of greater stewardship.
I have a hard time even going there in my mind because I don't want to dishonor my parents. I really don't. I don't want to talk negatively about them and their life. They are amazing and have done things that are incomprehensible... especially with 5 kids completely active in the faith. BUT... I have a fear that Brent and I will do all this work and 30 years down the road it isn't going to matter and we will just be the same with struggling finances, and nothing to show for our lives with our stewardship of finances for our families.
It is a deeply rooted fear. And I'm glad it's showing it's face because I don't want that... but i also know that if I don't want it, then I need to LET IT GO. I have to let it go in order to have the potential of moving forward with our stewardship potential.
the other fear I have is that I will do all this emotional work and it won't matter because Brent won't invite it into our lives. That his subconscious way of being and living will block the success from coming. That is a HUGE trigger for me. Is that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference in our outer world because he will block it all anyway. But do I have that fear because that is how it has been for my mom and dad? That is a pattern for them and so I will just stay satisfied with what "is" so I'm not disappointed in the future?
Lots of processing today. Lots of it. It's good. I've been slapped in the face with all my processing for the last few weeks. Mainly with uprooting old beliefs, thought patterns, and everything that is deeply rooted in my soul... but I asked for it. So I'm doing the mental work that I've been told to do. Because I know for sure if we keep going in this pattern, we will keep getting what we've gotten.
So, self. How do we move forward?
We keep doing everything we can because I know I don't want to get the end of my life thinking that I "should have tried this or that"... I must exhaust all resources. and I know we are creating our life right now. I know that. I know that everything we are doing is creating our life in 5 years. I only hope that Brent and I will do it together. That he is getting to those places as well in his soul.
But I have to believe that he is. I know prayer works with this, with the changing of souls. I prayed for 10 years for his soul to accept and wrap around what it really means to be the provider and patriarch of our family. and energetically he "gets" it now. It's a work in progress all the time, but he gets it. He energetically has taken that role and I'm so grateful!
So I pray my tale off about this as well. Give us greater stewardship. Give it to us. Help us to be financially free. Help us to withstand the greater stewardship and roles that will give to us in our life.
Right now I'm just talking to myself.
Hi self.
Nice to talk to you.
Remember when we were standing in our bedroom and we started listening to a self help book and then we completely rejected it emotionally because of remembrances from when we were little?
Mom would always listen to something to improve herself. While she was doing laundry, the dishes, cleaning, everything around the house, she was constantly filling up her mind and heart with something. It's something that I've always admired about her, is how much she is constantly trying to improve. Well, in that moment of memory we had a huge processing session.
It's even hard to write down into words. I feel like I'm my mom. I'm home with the kids and working on changing all these thought patterns and beliefs. Working on visualization and changing our world and our reality to accept bigger stewardships. And I got completely overwhelmed with a depression. Many triggers hit me. The triggers were this:
Mom was always doing this, doing something to improve her state of being and her mind and emotions. yet right now her body is falling apart. She isn't aging gracefully. Their circumstances haven't changed for 30 years. They are still in the same financial bondage as they have been for 30 years with the business, and taxes, and all the other stuff. So if she was always working on her stuff... then why isn't it any different?
Then I went into the trigger of, maybe it was dad. Maybe it all resides within dad. That she was working on changing their space and circumstances emotionally and spiritually and he was the one that never got out of the pattern, and so here they are 30 years later with nothing to show for it. Maybe it was him and she did all she could and she got really tired. She got tired of trying to change it all and she got tired of keeping herself positive waiting for different results and she got tired enough that the last 10 years she has just completely let it all go and declined physically and financially.
I can't believe that after listening to everything I know, doing all the work that I've been doing on my mind and my heart and all my thought patterns that they have just stayed in this position because "it's their lot in life". They are in this pattern because they have chosen to stay there... but did mom chose to stop the emotional work because dad wasn't choosing "in". He was always stressed out with the business and all his stuff with his dad and all the junk that associated all of that, he was never able to emotionally break free and take off with the potential of greater stewardship.
I have a hard time even going there in my mind because I don't want to dishonor my parents. I really don't. I don't want to talk negatively about them and their life. They are amazing and have done things that are incomprehensible... especially with 5 kids completely active in the faith. BUT... I have a fear that Brent and I will do all this work and 30 years down the road it isn't going to matter and we will just be the same with struggling finances, and nothing to show for our lives with our stewardship of finances for our families.
It is a deeply rooted fear. And I'm glad it's showing it's face because I don't want that... but i also know that if I don't want it, then I need to LET IT GO. I have to let it go in order to have the potential of moving forward with our stewardship potential.
the other fear I have is that I will do all this emotional work and it won't matter because Brent won't invite it into our lives. That his subconscious way of being and living will block the success from coming. That is a HUGE trigger for me. Is that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference in our outer world because he will block it all anyway. But do I have that fear because that is how it has been for my mom and dad? That is a pattern for them and so I will just stay satisfied with what "is" so I'm not disappointed in the future?
Lots of processing today. Lots of it. It's good. I've been slapped in the face with all my processing for the last few weeks. Mainly with uprooting old beliefs, thought patterns, and everything that is deeply rooted in my soul... but I asked for it. So I'm doing the mental work that I've been told to do. Because I know for sure if we keep going in this pattern, we will keep getting what we've gotten.
So, self. How do we move forward?
We keep doing everything we can because I know I don't want to get the end of my life thinking that I "should have tried this or that"... I must exhaust all resources. and I know we are creating our life right now. I know that. I know that everything we are doing is creating our life in 5 years. I only hope that Brent and I will do it together. That he is getting to those places as well in his soul.
But I have to believe that he is. I know prayer works with this, with the changing of souls. I prayed for 10 years for his soul to accept and wrap around what it really means to be the provider and patriarch of our family. and energetically he "gets" it now. It's a work in progress all the time, but he gets it. He energetically has taken that role and I'm so grateful!
So I pray my tale off about this as well. Give us greater stewardship. Give it to us. Help us to be financially free. Help us to withstand the greater stewardship and roles that will give to us in our life.
Joshua Has A Different Mom
Dear Joshua,
After reading about so many experiences that I had with the other three kids the other day, I was reminded from the spirit to not forget to write about you and what you are teaching me!
There are many things that you have with me as a mother and raising you that are different from your older siblings. I am so much more patient with the little things that you do. The things that you do, which used to just send me over the edge with the other kids (messes, spills, interruptions, emotional neediness, yells, cries... just being little!), just hardly phase me anymore.
You are recently getting to a place in your life where you are finding your independence, that's for sure. You like things how you like them. You are very particular with how you want things done. The other day you wanted toast. I made it for you, but it wasn't "brown" enough. You just lost it. "I want it brown mom! I want it brown! Do it again!". You cried and yelled at me. I did not give into your fit, I said, "Joshua, don't yell at mom. Ask me nicely."
You decided in that moment to calm yourself down and say, "Mom, will you make it brown please?" through the tears that were rising in your eyes. I said, "Of course, I would love to help you."
Other times when I have done just the littlest thing that you haven't liked, you've had to take a break because you would not calm down. You usually will stay in your room for about 10 minutes, have a bit of a break, then you will come out and say, "Mom, I'm ready!". After have a reset and getting all those big emotions out of your body, you ask me nicely and move on.
There are various parenting philosophies that tell you to "never do a time out!". I completely disagree. As kids grow up, you have SO MANY BIG EMOTIONS, and a lot of the time you just have to get them out. I have personally noticed that getting them out on your own helps you get through them in a way that is different than if I try to coddle you through it.
The key as a parent is to not allow myself to separate you if I MYSELF am angry. That is when it's inappropriate, because then you think you are being separated from me because I am angry with you. When I have my emotions under control and love you through it, it is still a very valuable thing to let you work it out.
And that is something that the Lord does as well. In the temple we are shown that parenting tactic very clearly. That you can rant and rave all you want, but I don't need to let you abuse me. I can set a boundary that is very clear.
You are so sweet and are learning so much. You are a TEASE. You love to tease your older siblings all the time.
Seeing you grow up is a joy. I am so grateful for it. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to be happy under every circumstance.
I love you,
Your Mom
After reading about so many experiences that I had with the other three kids the other day, I was reminded from the spirit to not forget to write about you and what you are teaching me!
There are many things that you have with me as a mother and raising you that are different from your older siblings. I am so much more patient with the little things that you do. The things that you do, which used to just send me over the edge with the other kids (messes, spills, interruptions, emotional neediness, yells, cries... just being little!), just hardly phase me anymore.
You are recently getting to a place in your life where you are finding your independence, that's for sure. You like things how you like them. You are very particular with how you want things done. The other day you wanted toast. I made it for you, but it wasn't "brown" enough. You just lost it. "I want it brown mom! I want it brown! Do it again!". You cried and yelled at me. I did not give into your fit, I said, "Joshua, don't yell at mom. Ask me nicely."
You decided in that moment to calm yourself down and say, "Mom, will you make it brown please?" through the tears that were rising in your eyes. I said, "Of course, I would love to help you."
There are various parenting philosophies that tell you to "never do a time out!". I completely disagree. As kids grow up, you have SO MANY BIG EMOTIONS, and a lot of the time you just have to get them out. I have personally noticed that getting them out on your own helps you get through them in a way that is different than if I try to coddle you through it.
The key as a parent is to not allow myself to separate you if I MYSELF am angry. That is when it's inappropriate, because then you think you are being separated from me because I am angry with you. When I have my emotions under control and love you through it, it is still a very valuable thing to let you work it out.
And that is something that the Lord does as well. In the temple we are shown that parenting tactic very clearly. That you can rant and rave all you want, but I don't need to let you abuse me. I can set a boundary that is very clear.
You are so sweet and are learning so much. You are a TEASE. You love to tease your older siblings all the time.
Seeing you grow up is a joy. I am so grateful for it. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to be happy under every circumstance.
I love you,
Your Mom
Mourning My Mom
Dear Kids (Written in June 2019),
Trying to find words for my emotional state of being the last little bit has eluded me.
Mimi, my mom, has really diminished in health over the last year+. She had pneumonia during the winter of 2018, and I believe that caused a silent heart attack.
I haven't really written about this because it has been close to my heart, and I don't want to talk ill of your Mimi. I love her so much it hurts, but I have also been able to really step back and look at a few things in the last year with all of this going on.
We went up to Idaho during the summer of 2018. We ended up staying for six weeks, because I had no idea how bad she was until I got there. Jonathan had visited her before I got there and sent up a red flag about how she was doing. Mesha was still living there at the time, and she mentioned how bad mom had become, but I didn't really wrap my head around it until I saw her.
I couldn't believe it, when I opened the door and saw her, she had aged 20 years. She looks like an 80 year woman. It was obvious that something major had happened, and we ended up talking as a group of siblings about it, where Mesha brought it to our attention that she for sure thought she had a silent heart attack.
Here is the sticky hard part. Mimi won't go in to see any professional and ask for help. She cannot see outside of herself enough to be willing to get help from any outside sources. The anxiety she has had for so many years I think is also part of this paradigm issue. She is SO STUBBON. One of the most stubborn people we know. She won't even have a conversation about getting help and insists that she is okay.
When I was there last year, it was six weeks of waking up, hoping that she hadn't died. But it was a paradoxical feeling because I also prayed every night for six weeks that if she needed to die, she would while I was there so dad didn't have to come home to her dead. We did a ton of service for her, and just was there with her.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I am finally coming to grips with how much this has affected me. I went into a depression when I got home. I lost my drive for my goals. I lost my motivation for healthy living. I just wanted to emotionally eat everyday. Looking back on the last year I can see how much my emotional and spiritual state was tortured because of this experience with mom.
The hard part is... I can't talk to her about it. She is unwilling to go there. I feel unheard. I have felt like I've been in mourning of the woman that she used to be. Almost "pre" mourning her death. She is not the woman she was before all of this happened. She only stays in the dining room and kitchen. She doesn't move around. On top of it all, she for sure has some kind of tumor growth in her stomach because it is so distended out, it looks like she is pregnant. She won't get that check out either. That started about 2 years ago. And it got worse after the heart issues.
I am sure I have stuffed my emotions about it all, mainly because I didn't know where to place all of them. I still am amazed at the sleeping parts of my heart that I have to explore because of this whole situation. I am angry with her. I am angry that she won't get help. I am angry that she doesn't see how much help she really does need. I am angry for her stubbornness.
That is how I realized how much mourning I'm going through because of my anger. I haven't allowed it out or addressed it because I have stuffed in down in the name of, "I can't do anything about it, I can't control her decisions, so just let her be." ..... Which that is TRUE, but I can still give myself space to go through and process the emotions I need to process so they don't stay stuck inside of me.
The other part about the depression and funk is that I got really defeated about healthy living. I thought, "Well, mom has been so healthy her whole life, eating well and staying active, and she STILL is falling apart. So what does it matter? I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm just going to fall apart anyway."
That is the story I kept telling myself subconsciously. But something that I have really come to understand as I have sat with the feelings about it all is this... my emotional state is just as important as my physical state. yes, she has been healthy. But emotionally she has things inside of her heart and soul that she will NEVER let out and be vulnerable about. She has walls up that only dad can probably understand, but to everyone else around her, she keeps herself hidden emotionally. She doesn't go to those vulnerable places. That is something that has contributed to where she is with her life right now. She has created a safe bubble for herself over the years and it has just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until finally she is in this state of life.
I am sad. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am mourning.
Kalea was here over the weekend and she told me something very smart. She said, "I have come to the conclusion that I have to realize the "day" that my mother died as who she was. And mourn that mother as if she is dead. Then come to understand that i have a new mother, and come to know that mother how she is RIGHT NOW. So I stop comparing who she was to what is is now. I have to separate the two things." I thought that was VERY wise.
So I have done that. I have searched in my memory bank and realized that the day I really started mourning my mother as she was, was the day of Grandpa Kvarfordt's funeral, when she showed up late, sat in the back, and left early. She was not able to be a support to dad at all. Then the day she died was the 5th day I was in Idaho. It was that day, watching her for the 5th day in the row almost fall out of her chair, not staying awake, not being able to move, not mentally capable of having a conversation, when it really hit me how bad it really was. I cried to your dad on the phone that night. I cried like crazy. My mom was gone. She had died.
I am mourning my mom. I miss her true laugh. I miss how she put together grandkid parties and was so involved. I miss how she was up before everyone else and was working out in her garden and greenhouse. I miss how she always had really amazing advice for me. I miss seeing her in church. I miss her holding my babies. I miss her being able to grab my kids and hug them and kiss them over and over. I miss her planning and always wanting to do crafts and creative projects with me. I miss that I can't go "home" anymore and know she will answer the door so excited to see me. I miss our gospel discussions. I miss her uplifting dad all the time.
She was an amazing lady. My mother. She was amazing. Her family was her life. She dedicated her whole heart and soul to raising us in the gospel and happy.
Now, it is time to accept my 2nd mom. She still loves to talk to me on the phone. She talked to me for 3 hours at a time while I was driving all by myself. She doesn't have stamina. She can't get up and move around. She is in her bubble of dining room and living room. She is happy to see me and the kids. She needs us to leave after a couple of days. She needs help with her house. She loves to read. She falls asleep a lot. She doesn't sleep well. She loves bright colors. She is excellent about giving gifts. I never feel forgotten by her.
Grief is acknowledging that I loved. That something I love died. And also accepting new beginnings. that is where I am now. Working on accepting this new mom.
I love you kids. I don't know what my future looks like. But I hope that i have all the best things about my mom for you. I want you to know Christ too. I got that from her. I want you to be happy and express your creativity. I got that from her. I am positive and try to give you as much good feedback as possible. I got that from her. I want you to keep the spirit in our home. I got that from her. There are so many things I got from her, I'm so grateful for her. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
Trying to find words for my emotional state of being the last little bit has eluded me.
Mimi, my mom, has really diminished in health over the last year+. She had pneumonia during the winter of 2018, and I believe that caused a silent heart attack.
I haven't really written about this because it has been close to my heart, and I don't want to talk ill of your Mimi. I love her so much it hurts, but I have also been able to really step back and look at a few things in the last year with all of this going on.
We went up to Idaho during the summer of 2018. We ended up staying for six weeks, because I had no idea how bad she was until I got there. Jonathan had visited her before I got there and sent up a red flag about how she was doing. Mesha was still living there at the time, and she mentioned how bad mom had become, but I didn't really wrap my head around it until I saw her.
I couldn't believe it, when I opened the door and saw her, she had aged 20 years. She looks like an 80 year woman. It was obvious that something major had happened, and we ended up talking as a group of siblings about it, where Mesha brought it to our attention that she for sure thought she had a silent heart attack.
Here is the sticky hard part. Mimi won't go in to see any professional and ask for help. She cannot see outside of herself enough to be willing to get help from any outside sources. The anxiety she has had for so many years I think is also part of this paradigm issue. She is SO STUBBON. One of the most stubborn people we know. She won't even have a conversation about getting help and insists that she is okay.
When I was there last year, it was six weeks of waking up, hoping that she hadn't died. But it was a paradoxical feeling because I also prayed every night for six weeks that if she needed to die, she would while I was there so dad didn't have to come home to her dead. We did a ton of service for her, and just was there with her.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I am finally coming to grips with how much this has affected me. I went into a depression when I got home. I lost my drive for my goals. I lost my motivation for healthy living. I just wanted to emotionally eat everyday. Looking back on the last year I can see how much my emotional and spiritual state was tortured because of this experience with mom.
The hard part is... I can't talk to her about it. She is unwilling to go there. I feel unheard. I have felt like I've been in mourning of the woman that she used to be. Almost "pre" mourning her death. She is not the woman she was before all of this happened. She only stays in the dining room and kitchen. She doesn't move around. On top of it all, she for sure has some kind of tumor growth in her stomach because it is so distended out, it looks like she is pregnant. She won't get that check out either. That started about 2 years ago. And it got worse after the heart issues.
I am sure I have stuffed my emotions about it all, mainly because I didn't know where to place all of them. I still am amazed at the sleeping parts of my heart that I have to explore because of this whole situation. I am angry with her. I am angry that she won't get help. I am angry that she doesn't see how much help she really does need. I am angry for her stubbornness.
That is how I realized how much mourning I'm going through because of my anger. I haven't allowed it out or addressed it because I have stuffed in down in the name of, "I can't do anything about it, I can't control her decisions, so just let her be." ..... Which that is TRUE, but I can still give myself space to go through and process the emotions I need to process so they don't stay stuck inside of me.
The other part about the depression and funk is that I got really defeated about healthy living. I thought, "Well, mom has been so healthy her whole life, eating well and staying active, and she STILL is falling apart. So what does it matter? I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm just going to fall apart anyway."
That is the story I kept telling myself subconsciously. But something that I have really come to understand as I have sat with the feelings about it all is this... my emotional state is just as important as my physical state. yes, she has been healthy. But emotionally she has things inside of her heart and soul that she will NEVER let out and be vulnerable about. She has walls up that only dad can probably understand, but to everyone else around her, she keeps herself hidden emotionally. She doesn't go to those vulnerable places. That is something that has contributed to where she is with her life right now. She has created a safe bubble for herself over the years and it has just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until finally she is in this state of life.
I am sad. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am mourning.
So I have done that. I have searched in my memory bank and realized that the day I really started mourning my mother as she was, was the day of Grandpa Kvarfordt's funeral, when she showed up late, sat in the back, and left early. She was not able to be a support to dad at all. Then the day she died was the 5th day I was in Idaho. It was that day, watching her for the 5th day in the row almost fall out of her chair, not staying awake, not being able to move, not mentally capable of having a conversation, when it really hit me how bad it really was. I cried to your dad on the phone that night. I cried like crazy. My mom was gone. She had died.
I am mourning my mom. I miss her true laugh. I miss how she put together grandkid parties and was so involved. I miss how she was up before everyone else and was working out in her garden and greenhouse. I miss how she always had really amazing advice for me. I miss seeing her in church. I miss her holding my babies. I miss her being able to grab my kids and hug them and kiss them over and over. I miss her planning and always wanting to do crafts and creative projects with me. I miss that I can't go "home" anymore and know she will answer the door so excited to see me. I miss our gospel discussions. I miss her uplifting dad all the time.
She was an amazing lady. My mother. She was amazing. Her family was her life. She dedicated her whole heart and soul to raising us in the gospel and happy.
Now, it is time to accept my 2nd mom. She still loves to talk to me on the phone. She talked to me for 3 hours at a time while I was driving all by myself. She doesn't have stamina. She can't get up and move around. She is in her bubble of dining room and living room. She is happy to see me and the kids. She needs us to leave after a couple of days. She needs help with her house. She loves to read. She falls asleep a lot. She doesn't sleep well. She loves bright colors. She is excellent about giving gifts. I never feel forgotten by her.
Grief is acknowledging that I loved. That something I love died. And also accepting new beginnings. that is where I am now. Working on accepting this new mom.
I love you kids. I don't know what my future looks like. But I hope that i have all the best things about my mom for you. I want you to know Christ too. I got that from her. I want you to be happy and express your creativity. I got that from her. I am positive and try to give you as much good feedback as possible. I got that from her. I want you to keep the spirit in our home. I got that from her. There are so many things I got from her, I'm so grateful for her. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
Reminders From Journal Entries
Dear Kids,
(Picture to the right is just from a fun memory - we have so many fun memories together!!)
The other day I was cleaning my room and getting to all the piles that happen. In the midst of it I found journal entries from 2009-2013 that your dad had printed out for me in a journal book. As I read through them I was reminded of WHY I was counseled to keep such an important journal and record of the happenings in our family and in my life.
I was amazed at how much I have forgotten about my life, but when I read and was reminded, that all the memories came flooding back in an instant, like I was there in the story again. What an amazing thing! I was also really encouraged to read about so many things that happened, all the lessons that I learned because of you and our situations, and to see how much growth we've all had since that time.
We've experienced so much! My parenting and mothering muscles are stronger than they have ever been before. When I read about situations and frustrations I had when you were little (the older three especially), I could see where my growth has taken places, because what used to frustrate me doesn't even phase me anymore! I am so grateful for it, for the maturity of understanding and capability that the Lord has given me in my mothering life.
I was also reminded that I MUST write down what happens to us. I have still been doing that in the journal entries since then, I haven't completely let the habit go, but there is an element that I haven't held onto, because I haven't been writing down my daily learning experiences with you, our family and our situations.
Over 10 years ago I was counseled to keep a close record of everything. I know why more than ever now. I know that my thoughts will not only be used to help our family, but many other people as I am able to look back and glean from my own experiences to share with others. How amazingly grateful I am that I heeded that counsel, and I am recommitting myself to follow that counsel again.
I love you kids, Thank you for being mine.
Your Mom
I was amazed at how much I have forgotten about my life, but when I read and was reminded, that all the memories came flooding back in an instant, like I was there in the story again. What an amazing thing! I was also really encouraged to read about so many things that happened, all the lessons that I learned because of you and our situations, and to see how much growth we've all had since that time.
We've experienced so much! My parenting and mothering muscles are stronger than they have ever been before. When I read about situations and frustrations I had when you were little (the older three especially), I could see where my growth has taken places, because what used to frustrate me doesn't even phase me anymore! I am so grateful for it, for the maturity of understanding and capability that the Lord has given me in my mothering life.
I was also reminded that I MUST write down what happens to us. I have still been doing that in the journal entries since then, I haven't completely let the habit go, but there is an element that I haven't held onto, because I haven't been writing down my daily learning experiences with you, our family and our situations.
Over 10 years ago I was counseled to keep a close record of everything. I know why more than ever now. I know that my thoughts will not only be used to help our family, but many other people as I am able to look back and glean from my own experiences to share with others. How amazingly grateful I am that I heeded that counsel, and I am recommitting myself to follow that counsel again.
I love you kids, Thank you for being mine.
Your Mom
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