Dear Kids,
In order to maintain a relationship with the Lord it takes consistent work. And completely faith in yourself that He wants to be with you and talk with you personally.
Your dad and I have been on this spiritual journey that has taken us to new levels in our spirituality. It's been so beautiful to feel and experience! Before we started this journey we were avoiding it for a couple of months.
We were feeling from the spirit to "level up"... But because of life experience, we completely knew, with eye's wide open, what it meant to level up. The greater responsibility that would be on our shoulders because of the greater knowledge, and we had to take a couple of months to really decide that we wanted that responsibility.
There was a time in my youth when I wasn't afraid at all of what that greater responsibility really means. I know that is one reason why the Lord calls on youth so often - you are in such a better position to really take on what the Lord wants you to do because of willingness and, in a way, because of the naivety and innocence of youth.
After feeling the pain of life, the experiences of expansion of your soul, knowing the pain that comes with that soul stretching, when we knew it was time to level up, we were truly going in with eyes wide open to understanding exactly what that entailed. In order to level up in our spirituality, there was going to be pushing and pulling on our souls. We were pretty comfortable where we were, and in a way, we were totally okay with that space. We were keeping the commandments of God, we were covenant keepers, we were loving our family, we were doing all the basic things in order to be happy in the gospel (and we were)... but there was this longing for more, for more spiritual experiences, for seeking to see the face of God.
So after a couple of months of coming to understanding we finally gave into the spirit's promptings and dove into the waters of being carried away in the spirit.
I'm SO GLAD WE DID. Wow, what a journey it has been! It's been so amazing to feel the expansion of our souls and know the Lord is leading us along. We've had unbelievable experiences with our Savior in our "eye of faith" moments of our meditation and communion. We've been able to bless our children and our home with bathing it in the glorious light of the priesthood power that we've been endowed with.
Just about a month ago I had an experience in a meditation where all of a sudden I knew someone was there. Someone was there in the room with me. I didn't know who it was. It was so stark and sudden that I blinked my eyes open, completely prepared to see a heavenly messenger, not just in my mind's eye, but with my physical eyes.
The room was dark. I didn't see anyone. But I had the distinct impression to read in the D&C about visitors in order to make sure and review what I needed to do so I am prepared to receive a visitation and know if it's from God.
But, once again, there is always a flip side. On the road of expansion there is always a flip side. And the flip side of this is that I have to be prepared that visitors from Satan will also try and come.
I have always had a very close ability to feel the "dark side" per say. That term, normally used in star wars stories, is so applicable here. Satan and I were good friends, it tells me that in my blessing and I've other blessings that have enumerated that even further. He isn't happy with me that I have chosen Jesus. He's unhappy that Brent and I have made it through all our hardships and are still intact as a family and as a couple. He wants to destroy us.
I am so hyper aware of this that I started to get scared. The Lord is asking me to "level up" again. And I'm pushing against it. I was talking to your dad about it the other day and he has been feeling the same thing. We just reached such a beautiful space in "this" level of spirituality now... we want to stay here! it is the same pattern that we felt before, we want to stay where we are comfortable with "this level" of spiritual communion experiences.
But that is not the way of the Lord's servants. He is pushing us to another place, I can feel it, Brent can feel it, and I have been avoiding it a bit.
And wow.... I can feel a huge different in myself and in my capability. I haven't been going into my meditations as willing to receive anything. Especially because I don't want to face the reality of the responsibility that comes with further light and knowledge! I have to admit that to myself. I have been wanting to avoid this next space because I am afraid of the dark side of it. I am afraid of having a messenger from Satan come first.
We are shown that in the temple. When Adam and Eve were asking for messengers, Satan was the first to come, not the apostles. And when Joseph Smith went into the grove, Satan came first and bound him before he was delivered.
Once again I can see that a "level up" is going to be happening and I am going in with eyes wide open and understand exactly what that means as far as both sides of the veil goes. I want to be able to give my all to the Lord, but then when I face the reality of what that means, I feel myself holding back.
I know He is so pleased with what we have done so far. I know that for sure. He is happy anytime one of His children do the work that we've been doing in order to feel heaven so near. But after having a couple of weeks of spiritual hesitation, I can feel the difference in my soul.
I can feel a different in my capability with my family, with my children, with my experiences with my Savior, with Brent, with all of it. My character of handling the enticements of the day has been weakening. And it is because I have been avoiding it... just like Jonah. The more experiences I have as I grow, the more empathy I have for Jonah and asking, "Where can I run?".
But I must not run. I must not.
This is our charge, to move to the next space in spirituality because our Savior is coming back to the earth. He is returning and he has called us to be a part of it. Whatever fear is in my heart about any kind of spiritual growth, and what that means for facing Satan, I must give to God.
I must not give into fear, especially not to the enemy of my soul.
It helps to type it out. Besides Brent, I haven't talked to anyone really about this. There has been a few friends that I've mentioned a bit to, but not all of it. And that's appropriate. I know the Lord wants me to tutor people, I know that is a part of this path and tutoring means having all kinds of spiritual experiences. There is an element of me that is afraid of facing Satan.
I must ask myself why. Why am I afraid of him when I know the Savior is so much stronger?
It is because I care about him. That sounds funny. But I know him intimately. Not from this earth, but from the world and existence before. I care about him. And he doesn't care about me. He wants my destruction. There isn't even an ounce of caring from him. It is all for pride and manipulation. And he is angry at me.
So I must put on my armor and face my fears. Not because I won't be afraid, but because I can be brave in Christ. The Lord will not abandon me. But I have to be ready to stand up from what I know. Moses saw Satan as well after having so many manifestations from Christ. And I remember exactly what Moses did. He stood up to Satan. He did not give into darkness.
I have a deeply rooted part of my personality that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. Well... I have to go into this with full understanding that I am going to disappoint Satan because I am a daughter of God and I will not worship him. "Who are you that I should worship you? I am a daughter of God. God will help me and release me."
Christ is my deliverer. Period.
I've needed to process this for some time. Your dad and I talked about up while we were delivering greenhouses as well. I started crying when I told him about all of it. He has been feeling the same push for further spiritual growth as well. We will experience it together.
I love you kids.
Your Mom
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