Processing with Self

(Written Sept 2019) Today I don't want to address my kids. I want to address just my own thoughts without thinking about kids involved. They will read this at some point, but it is completely for me and my own processing and addressing my kids seems like a disingenuous thing to do while I'm going through how I'm thinking and feeling about everything.

Right now I'm just talking to myself.

Hi self.

Nice to talk to you.

Remember when we were standing in our bedroom and we started listening to a self help book and then we completely rejected it emotionally because of remembrances from when we were little?

Mom would always listen to something to improve herself. While she was doing laundry, the dishes, cleaning, everything around the house, she was constantly filling up her mind and heart with something. It's something that I've always admired about her, is how much she is constantly trying to improve. Well, in that moment of memory we had a huge processing session.

It's even hard to write down into words. I feel like I'm my mom. I'm home with the kids and working on changing all these thought patterns and beliefs. Working on visualization and changing our world and our reality to accept bigger stewardships. And I got completely overwhelmed with a depression. Many triggers hit me. The triggers were this:

Mom was always doing this, doing something to improve her state of being and her mind and emotions. yet right now her body is falling apart. She isn't aging gracefully. Their circumstances haven't changed for 30 years. They are still in the same financial bondage as they have been for 30 years with the business, and taxes, and all the other stuff. So if she was always working on her stuff... then why isn't it any different?

Then I went into the trigger of, maybe it was dad. Maybe it all resides within dad. That she was working on changing their space and circumstances emotionally and spiritually and he was the one that never got out of the pattern, and so here they are 30 years later with nothing to show for it. Maybe it was him and she did all she could and she got really tired. She got tired of trying to change it all and she got tired of keeping herself positive waiting for different results and she got tired enough that the last 10 years she has just completely let it all go and declined physically and financially.

I can't believe that after listening to everything I know, doing all the work that I've been doing on my mind and my heart and all my thought patterns that they have just stayed in this position because "it's their lot in life". They are in this pattern because they have chosen to stay there... but did mom chose to stop the emotional work because dad wasn't choosing "in". He was always stressed out with the business and all his stuff with his dad and all the junk that associated all of that, he was never able to emotionally break free and take off with the potential of greater stewardship.

I have a hard time even going there in my mind because I don't want to dishonor my parents. I really don't. I don't want to talk negatively about them and their life. They are amazing and have done things that are incomprehensible... especially with 5 kids completely active in the faith. BUT... I have a fear that Brent and I will do all this work and 30 years down the road it isn't going to matter and we will just be the same with struggling finances, and nothing to show for our lives with our stewardship of finances for our families.

It is a deeply rooted fear. And I'm glad it's showing it's face because I don't want that... but i also know that if I don't want it, then I need to LET IT GO. I have to let it go in order to have the potential of moving forward with our stewardship potential.

the other fear I have is that I will do all this emotional work and it won't matter because Brent won't invite it into our lives. That his subconscious way of being and living will block the success from coming. That is a HUGE trigger for me. Is that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference in our outer world because he will block it all anyway. But do I have that fear because that is how it has been for my mom and dad? That is a pattern for them and so I will just stay satisfied with what "is" so I'm not disappointed in the future?

Lots of processing today. Lots of it. It's good. I've been slapped in the face with all my processing for the last few weeks. Mainly with uprooting old beliefs, thought patterns, and everything that is deeply rooted in my soul... but I asked for it. So I'm doing the mental work that I've been told to do. Because I know for sure if we keep going in this pattern, we will keep getting what we've gotten.

So, self. How do we move forward?

We keep doing everything we can because I know I don't want to get the end of my life thinking that I "should have tried this or that"... I must exhaust all resources. and I know we are creating our life right now. I know that. I know that everything we are doing is creating our life in 5 years. I only hope that Brent and I will do it together. That he is getting to those places as well in his soul.

But I have to believe that he is. I know prayer works with this, with the changing of souls. I prayed for 10 years for his soul to accept and wrap around what it really means to be the provider and patriarch of our family. and energetically he "gets" it now. It's a work in progress all the time, but he gets it. He energetically has taken that role and I'm so grateful!

So I pray my tale off about this as well. Give us greater stewardship. Give it to us. Help us to be financially free. Help us to withstand the greater stewardship and roles that will give to us in our life.