Trying to find words for my emotional state of being the last little bit has eluded me.
Mimi, my mom, has really diminished in health over the last year+. She had pneumonia during the winter of 2018, and I believe that caused a silent heart attack.
I haven't really written about this because it has been close to my heart, and I don't want to talk ill of your Mimi. I love her so much it hurts, but I have also been able to really step back and look at a few things in the last year with all of this going on.
We went up to Idaho during the summer of 2018. We ended up staying for six weeks, because I had no idea how bad she was until I got there. Jonathan had visited her before I got there and sent up a red flag about how she was doing. Mesha was still living there at the time, and she mentioned how bad mom had become, but I didn't really wrap my head around it until I saw her.
I couldn't believe it, when I opened the door and saw her, she had aged 20 years. She looks like an 80 year woman. It was obvious that something major had happened, and we ended up talking as a group of siblings about it, where Mesha brought it to our attention that she for sure thought she had a silent heart attack.
Here is the sticky hard part. Mimi won't go in to see any professional and ask for help. She cannot see outside of herself enough to be willing to get help from any outside sources. The anxiety she has had for so many years I think is also part of this paradigm issue. She is SO STUBBON. One of the most stubborn people we know. She won't even have a conversation about getting help and insists that she is okay.
When I was there last year, it was six weeks of waking up, hoping that she hadn't died. But it was a paradoxical feeling because I also prayed every night for six weeks that if she needed to die, she would while I was there so dad didn't have to come home to her dead. We did a ton of service for her, and just was there with her.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I am finally coming to grips with how much this has affected me. I went into a depression when I got home. I lost my drive for my goals. I lost my motivation for healthy living. I just wanted to emotionally eat everyday. Looking back on the last year I can see how much my emotional and spiritual state was tortured because of this experience with mom.
The hard part is... I can't talk to her about it. She is unwilling to go there. I feel unheard. I have felt like I've been in mourning of the woman that she used to be. Almost "pre" mourning her death. She is not the woman she was before all of this happened. She only stays in the dining room and kitchen. She doesn't move around. On top of it all, she for sure has some kind of tumor growth in her stomach because it is so distended out, it looks like she is pregnant. She won't get that check out either. That started about 2 years ago. And it got worse after the heart issues.
I am sure I have stuffed my emotions about it all, mainly because I didn't know where to place all of them. I still am amazed at the sleeping parts of my heart that I have to explore because of this whole situation. I am angry with her. I am angry that she won't get help. I am angry that she doesn't see how much help she really does need. I am angry for her stubbornness.
That is how I realized how much mourning I'm going through because of my anger. I haven't allowed it out or addressed it because I have stuffed in down in the name of, "I can't do anything about it, I can't control her decisions, so just let her be." ..... Which that is TRUE, but I can still give myself space to go through and process the emotions I need to process so they don't stay stuck inside of me.
The other part about the depression and funk is that I got really defeated about healthy living. I thought, "Well, mom has been so healthy her whole life, eating well and staying active, and she STILL is falling apart. So what does it matter? I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm just going to fall apart anyway."
That is the story I kept telling myself subconsciously. But something that I have really come to understand as I have sat with the feelings about it all is this... my emotional state is just as important as my physical state. yes, she has been healthy. But emotionally she has things inside of her heart and soul that she will NEVER let out and be vulnerable about. She has walls up that only dad can probably understand, but to everyone else around her, she keeps herself hidden emotionally. She doesn't go to those vulnerable places. That is something that has contributed to where she is with her life right now. She has created a safe bubble for herself over the years and it has just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until finally she is in this state of life.
I am sad. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am mourning.
So I have done that. I have searched in my memory bank and realized that the day I really started mourning my mother as she was, was the day of Grandpa Kvarfordt's funeral, when she showed up late, sat in the back, and left early. She was not able to be a support to dad at all. Then the day she died was the 5th day I was in Idaho. It was that day, watching her for the 5th day in the row almost fall out of her chair, not staying awake, not being able to move, not mentally capable of having a conversation, when it really hit me how bad it really was. I cried to your dad on the phone that night. I cried like crazy. My mom was gone. She had died.
I am mourning my mom. I miss her true laugh. I miss how she put together grandkid parties and was so involved. I miss how she was up before everyone else and was working out in her garden and greenhouse. I miss how she always had really amazing advice for me. I miss seeing her in church. I miss her holding my babies. I miss her being able to grab my kids and hug them and kiss them over and over. I miss her planning and always wanting to do crafts and creative projects with me. I miss that I can't go "home" anymore and know she will answer the door so excited to see me. I miss our gospel discussions. I miss her uplifting dad all the time.
She was an amazing lady. My mother. She was amazing. Her family was her life. She dedicated her whole heart and soul to raising us in the gospel and happy.
Now, it is time to accept my 2nd mom. She still loves to talk to me on the phone. She talked to me for 3 hours at a time while I was driving all by myself. She doesn't have stamina. She can't get up and move around. She is in her bubble of dining room and living room. She is happy to see me and the kids. She needs us to leave after a couple of days. She needs help with her house. She loves to read. She falls asleep a lot. She doesn't sleep well. She loves bright colors. She is excellent about giving gifts. I never feel forgotten by her.
Grief is acknowledging that I loved. That something I love died. And also accepting new beginnings. that is where I am now. Working on accepting this new mom.
I love you kids. I don't know what my future looks like. But I hope that i have all the best things about my mom for you. I want you to know Christ too. I got that from her. I want you to be happy and express your creativity. I got that from her. I am positive and try to give you as much good feedback as possible. I got that from her. I want you to keep the spirit in our home. I got that from her. There are so many things I got from her, I'm so grateful for her. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
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