Dear Kids, (some of this post I direct to you and some I don't... work with it :-) )
I need to write about the last Sunday of Mimi's life on this earth. It was such a beautiful day.
Part of the reason why it was so wonderful is because for a couple weeks before this day she had been deteriorating quickly and her mind was starting to go. She was forgetting things, forgetting conversations, forgetting her oxygen, several signs of her mind letting go. It was really hard to watch that happen, especially because Mimi's mind has always been very quick, witty, and fast.
But Sunday was her "rally day". Her eyes were brighter than the previous weeks before and her mind was there. She was keeping up with conversations and everything that was happening around her. It felt really good to have that kind of bonding with her. Jonathan was able to make it to IF the night before at about 9pm and he was able to have time with her in the night. Then the next day he was able to help with several different things to take care of mom. He was able to have good conversations with him and have some great laughs together. I was really glad about this because I know that he didn't have good closure with Shay, he had a hard time with that.
But the most beautiful things that happened on Sunday were Mimi's last sacrament meeting with us all together, and also her release blessing.
Papa blessed the sacrament and Teague and Gabe passed it to everyone that was there (Kalea's family, my family, Jonathan and Mesha and Mimi). The kids were very reverent and they could feel the significance of what we were doing. We used sour dough bread for the sacrament because that is what Mimi could eat and we sang all together. I love hearing my family sing together because everyone has such beautiful and wonderful voices. I could feel VERY powerfully lots of angels in the room. We were not alone, that's for sure.
Then Jonathan gave Mimi her blessing of release. Before he gave the blessing he offered a prayer and he asked that angels from our past generations and future generations be present with us. As soon as he prayed that, it was phenomenal. The "GUSH" angelic sound and feeling happened the room was filled. In my mind's eye it's like the ceiling was gone and angels were just filling up the space.
Jonathan said when he put his hands on her head that he felt a huge weight press upon him, and it was generations of priesthood holders that were putting their hands on him to participate in the blessing from the other side.
I saw Shayla standing my Jonathan, with my spiritual eyes. I recognized her immediately. But then there were two others standing my Jonathan and I didn't recognize them for a minute, but then realized that they were Grandma and Grandpa Connell! I realized that I didn't recognize them like I did Shayla so immediately because I remembered them old! But they were young, 25ish and I didn't immediately remember them as so youthful. It took me a minute to recognize them because of that. I chuckled at myself after realizing that.
The other thing I saw in my mind's eye was the light that was poured into me throughout my life. It's like I could see a movie reel of my life and throughout it (especially my growing up years) I could see light that Mom POURED into me, literally poured from her soul and the light she called down from heaven. Every prayer, every touch, every kind word, every good deed I witnessed, every scripture study session, every good choice, every time she filled my love bucket, EVERYTHING she did acting as my mom she poured LIGHT into my soul until I was filled with it. That was an amazing thing to see in my heart and mind. It happened in a split second, what I could feel and see about what she did for me and my siblings. It took my breath away, literally.
Most importantly was the feeling that was there. There were layers and layers of angels and support and feeling and beauty and gravity of the sanctity of the amazing life mom lived, especially for her family, and how well pleased the heavens were with her! She had done her work! She had lived a life that was devoted to God and her family and in those moments during the blessing I could feel the rejoicing in the heavens because of how she lived her life, in the service of God.
After the blessing of release, she rested a bit, but then Jeff and the boys got there and she was able to see them one last time. Then Ben got there and he was the last person that she needed to see. Then she slipped into sleep and just never came out of her rest. We were able to give her morphine and lorasapam (thanks to Mesha's work to get her on hospice) and it helped her just relax into rest and she just slept away.
Later that night we had the kids come and say "good bye" to her. They were so tender and sweet. Gabe told her that he didn't want her to go and he would miss her too much. That he wanted more time with her, but he would work on being okay with it and he knew that she would be with Jesus and Shayla. Talia was very emotional and told her that she was her best Mimi ever and that she was her best friend because she didn't have a sister, so Mimi filled in that gap for her while we've been here. She told her how much she loved doing girlie things with her and that she knew that Mimi understands her like no one else does. Elijah told her how much he loved her and how glad he was that he was her grandson. He just wanted to sit there and look at her, he has a very tender place in his heart for Mimi, he's a Mimi's boy for sure. Joshua told her that if she didn't wake up that it was okay, but that if she did, he was ready to play more games with her.
After saying goodbye to Mimi, then Papa talked to all the kids and told them that Mimi was going to be okay and she was going to be in heaven but would always be with us together. Papa hugged each of them, and then they each hugged me as they came in together. I hugged each of you so tight! I just didn't want to let go. There's nothing like watching someone dying and leaving this life to teach you about what is really important. The perspective it gives me is just amazing, to focus on what's BEST.
The kids wanted me to wake them up to tell them when she passed away. They didn't want to just wake up and have her be gone. So we promised that we'd wake them up (and we did, we woke you all up and told you when it happened so you wouldn't be shocked the next day).
Then we got the kids in bed and we sat down the plan out the night. Then Mesha went in to check on Mom and she had started to breath differently. She told us that she was making progress to death. She woke up Dad and told him to get up and be by mom. So dad sat by mom by the bed and held her hand. Kalea and I ended up laying on the bed by mom (I was more by her head and Kalea by her side) and Mesha sat at the end of the bed. We just stayed there with her as she kept making more progression, basically laboring into death (it's amazing the similarities with laboring with death and laboring with birth). Eventually Brent and Ben came in as well. Brent came by me and Ben by Kalea.
You could feel mom's body progressing into death in the most interesting ways. Her heart beat faster and her oxygen got lower. Her breathing had a type of rattle about it. She got slower and slower breathing and her body started getting slowly colder, very, very gradually. About two minutes before she died dad said, "It's okay sweetie. You've given me 47 wonderful years of marriage and 5 beautiful children. We'll be okay, It's okay for you to go with them. I'll be okay."
I'm so glad he felt inspired to say that because up to that point I could feel this back and forth with mom's spirit. She was hesitating because she didn't want to leave dad. Of course! Her love! But Shayla was there and Grandma and Grandpa Connell and SO MANY other generations of people. She was hesitating leaving dad. Two minutes after he gave her permission she took her last breath.
It was... unbelievable to be part of such a sacred moment. I just laid there and kept touching her, trying to connect with what was happening on the other side, but it was difficult to really see with my spiritual eyes because of the physical reality of her taking her last breath. We all started crying and we got up to be by dad. As soon as all of us girls hugged dad I felt Shayla put her arms around all of us. Even just feeling about it now is so comforting to feel, her love and her devotion to our family and truly the bonds that we have as siblings... even though we are sealed eternally to our spouses... the bonds that we have as siblings in this life, our forever built in friends forever, were so apparent.
Then I could feel when they left. I'm sure to meet Jesus. The room still have angels there, but there was a VERY stark different between how crowded the room was before mom died, while she was dying, right after she died, then when she left with Shayla to go to another realm. There was just a more empty feeling.
There is nothing quite as sacred as watching someone take their first breath and watching them take their last breath. It is an experience that has changed me forever. Same thing when I had the experience of watching Shay. It changed me forever. The life that we live here and how temporary it really is. So temporary.
Then I asked myself... what am I doing with this temporary life of mine?
I know I am going to continue to need mom's help to focus on my family. I have precious few years left with my kids and I want to make the most of it. My desire for worldly things and recognition is completely gone. It really is. It has been stripped from me over this last year. I just want to me a momma to my kids and wife to Brent. I'm sure more projects will show their faces through the years, but as of now, my lazer focus is on my family.
They need my whole heart, not half of it. And mom is the perfect one to inspire me inside of the "whole-hearted mom quest" of mine. I feel like I've gone through phases of the whole heart, but I'm back around again, feeling it again. I feel like I lost a bit of my mom drive. Just parenting life being difficult and hard, there is an essence of the love of motherhood that left me a little while ago. I am just stuck in the hum-drum of doing living, and not really ENJOYING it. I know in my logical mind that no matter what, the difficult encounters in parenting are always going to be there, but I want my focus to me more solely focused on God inside of my mothering. I really need my mom to teach me, especially with her on the other side.
I want her to teach me how to REALLY mother. I feel like these first 13 years were a practice round... now it's time for the real deal.
I love you kids. I really do. I will know my life is a success if you all are gathered around me when I take my last breath. I want you there. I want you by me as I pass out of this world. That is one of my hearts greatest desires.
I love you,
Your Mom
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