Dear Kids,
There have been several things in the last week that have been new revelation for me and for us as a family about the whole situation with Mimi.
Mimi was very private about a lot of things, but she had a very difficult time talking about death. She wouldn't talk to Shayla about death at all and never really had closure with her. I know that was something that was very painful for Shay especially because she wanted to have closure with Mom.
We all knew that mom was declining quite a bit, especially after the silent heart attack that she had in Feb of 2018. She never would talk about it, but we obviously saw the her stomach kept getting bigger and bigger. We knew there was a tumor in there and mom wouldn't really talk about it or go see anyone about it. There were lots of stories I told myself about the whole situation... specifically that she wouldn't go see anyone because of anxiety and it really bothered me because I felt like she was being selfish because she just "couldn't handle going to see someone". I was really upset with her for a period of time because I felt like she was being selfish about it and not thinking about dad specifically and how it was affecting him.
Well, after she passed away and Kalea, Mesha and I were driving to the funeral home with dad he told us something very interesting things that have totally changed my thought processes about it all.
He told us that he and mom knew that she had ovarian cancer. They knew it before even the silent heart attack that happened. They actively decided together that they were not going to tell anyone and mom wanted to treat it at home with natural means. They decided this because they knew that Grandma Connell had died of ovarian cancer and she had done chemo which caused the cancer to metastasize and put her in so much pain, that mom had to witness. She saw the pain that grandma was in and how much work she had to put in in order for her to be comfortable.
She, together with dad, decided that they did not want to put us kids in that position to be worried about mom "having cancer". She also knew that her pain levels wouldn't be horrible if the cancer didn't metastasize. At the end of her life she was uncomfortable, but she wasn't in thriving pain like Grandma and Shayla were.
Tracy, Papa's brother, is an OBGYN and when papa was talking about it all with him at the funeral Tracy confirmed that Mimi was very smart in what she did. He said they haven't made a lot of advances in ovarian cancer and the best way to get rid of it is just to have a hysterectomy. But because her tumors presented before she could have that done, it would have ruptured the tumors, and caused horrible deterioration from cancer. Tracy confirmed that mom's route of treating it was actually the much smarter route in order to be in the least amount of pain possible. That was interesting coming from Tracy who knows so much about it because of his profession.
Papa also pointed out that Mimi out lived Shayla by at least 1.5 years going the natural route. They knew about the cancer before Shayla was diagnosed, and after Shayla was diagnosed they DEFINITELY didn't want to say anything because they wanted Shayla to have the lime light and not mom. Mom didn't want to take our energy away from focusing on Shayla, and so she "took the hit" so to speak.
It was a very active choice in order to keep us girls as safe emotionally as we could and not be traumatized by her being in horrible pain at the end of her life and so Dad could stay in as Bishop and so that Shayla could have our help and mom didn't want to be a bother.
It has re-written so many stories I told myself in my head about the whole situation. It actually makes me reverence Mimi even more with how unselfish she is.
Her whole motivation was not because of anxiety, but because she loved us so much she didn't want to put us through watching her to chemo, like she had to watch her mom. She loved Shayla so much that she put herself off in order for Shayla to have the focus of the family. She loved dad so much that she didn't want to put his calling in jeopardy by saying anything that would cause him to be released. She was amazing. Her unselfishness was phenomenal. She did what she thought was best in order to stop the "traditions of the mothers" with ovarian cancer and not cause trauma to us by taking her of her in extended ways.
That was something at the end of her life she was really worried about. She didn't want to cause any of us trauma or the grandkids trauma.
But I look at it and I think to myself, What an amazing mom that she would always put herself second to the needs of her children? I love her so much. I love her example so much.
There is a big part of me that wishes we could have had more open discussion about it and that our lips didn't have to be so tight about certain things in our family. There were lots of things in Mimi's heart that were just closed off. But I have a lot more empathy about that now, with adult understanding.
Every generation has their thing to "break" in order for the next generation to keep improving more and more. That was her thing she wanted to break. So I am going to work on open communication and being more of an open book for my kids. And I also know that there was some sexual trauma somewhere back in her line that caused the ovarian cancer in the first place. I need to do some work and prayer about that one, find who it was so it can be release.
And I'm going to be tested right now so I can get a head of it if I have generational markers for this particular cancer.
I love you kids. I love you so much. I know Mimi loves you too. She will always be with you. Remember that she has quite a legacy and I'm forever grateful to call her my mom.
I love you,
Your Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment