Half Way Around The World For Perspective

Dear Kids,

Sometimes it takes getting half way around the world to realize that everything I am doing everyday with you is exactly where I want to be.

Going on this trip to Italy with your dad was a balm to my soul. I needed the time with him, and the rejuvenation of travel and perspective.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people there are in the world and that Father knows EACH and every one of them. Every single one. He ministers to them ONE BY ONE. He has intimate understand of everything in their lives. It is AMAZING to me.

It opens my mind and opens my perspective. It opens my heart to how many people there are in the world to love and to teach the gospel.

But more than anything, it reminded me of how much I love being with you when I am home. My place is with you, teaching you, loving you, helping you, mentoring you. Being your mother is my greatest gift. Even though sometimes it seems like I am stressed out about it, I hope that you forgive my humanity.

Talia once told me, "Mom, I don't want to be a mom, because sometimes I feel like you are sad when you are a mom, being a mom is really hard work!"

I was really heart broken to hear this response. Do my children really feel like I don't want to be with them? When I sit back and look at days when I allow frustration to take over, when I "do" an anger, then YES, I can understand why they would feel this way.

It is foolish to fool yourself into thinking you can be the "perfect" mom everyday. It just isn't possible. It is also okay for them to realize that sometimes it is really hard work to be a homeschooling mom, everyday. However, I hope that my periods of joy with them can keep increasing as I exercise these motherhood muscles.

Being away reaffirmed me that MY MOTHERHOOD IS MY GREATEST BLESSING. Several times on the trip the Lord gave me the 10,000 foot view of my family and my children. When this whole motherhood thing is all about. It is powerful. It is so needed. I believe in the power of motherhood. It is simply really easy to get lost in the weeds of everyday life.

Taking these moments to have perspective are powerful and absolutely necessary. I'm so grateful I was able to go half way around the world in order to remember what I have always at my fingertips. Children who love me, who only want to be with ME. They won't always feel that way. So I soak it up for what it's worth now. I give my mind and heart to the Lord to ask for spiritual perspective always.

I love you,

Your Mom

Evidence of Power of Manifestation Together With The IRS

Dear Kids,

The thoughts of "not enough" can attack in so many different ways. I have been working on my thoughts of abundance for over 15 years, and still old blueprints sneak in and take over before I even realize what is happening.

The latest manifestations of "not enough" has been in the last few months. We have been doing better financially in the last couple of years than we ever have in our marriage. We still have bigger goals to achieve, but we aren't just 'surviving" anymore. We have been in the space of thriving and getting out of survival mode. It has been such an AMAZING blessing.

Then a couple of things happened to remind me to stay as a watch guard over my thoughts always, because scarcity thoughts creep in so easily, it is one of the biggest tools of Satan.

The first example is with taxes. Around the beginning of the year, 3 months ago, the thought of "what if the IRS starts garnishing your wages again and attacks your bank account before you have any idea what is happening" came to my mind.

Background: There were payments to the IRS that your dad owed from some business transactions that were made. It was a hard time in our financial lives with businesses failing and things coming due from every side of the spectrum. Everything went to collections, we lost everything, and we didn't have the available income to take care of any obligations, including past tax issues with business things. If you haven't ever been in this state, let me tell you what, everything becomes a blur. You just can't figure out which way is up from the stress that is constantly banging at your door. We kept putting things off, frozen in many cases by stress and fear and we had no idea how to take care of the issues in front of us. We had to crawl a little bit everyday emotionally in order to find answers. Well, the collectors still come calling, and the IRS is no exception. The meager income that we had was taken away in an instant when they raped our bank account of a few hundred dollars we were going to use for gas and paying utilities. It was a low blow, but a manifestation of our "being acted upon" state that we were in at the time. We were allowing the IRS to act upon us instead of acting ahead of time.... coming full circle, we eventually did find someone to help us with all our issues, he put a halt on the garnishments, and we were able to move forward and breath again.

Well, we eventually did a settlement with the IRS, which ended up being rejected, and how we are in the process of doing a "resettlement". It takes a lot of time, but we have been following legal counsel with how to take care of the situation.

Fast forward to 3 months ago from that point. Because of the IRS rejecting the initial settlement and we were in the mode of going through finding another option, the thought came to my mind above one day, and all the PTSD from the financial situations from the years before came flooding back into my heart and mind again.

Once that thought came, I had to immediately recognize it for what it was. A fear thought. A scarcity thought. But, it had enough of a root, that I noticed over the next few weeks that, once again, I was giving a lot of energy to this "What if the IRS takes money again without us knowing?" thought.

So I got a hold of our legal counsel and asked them about this. They said that they were going to take care of the issue so the IRS stays away from our accounts during this transitionary period of figuring out another settlement. After getting that communication, I started to breathe easier. Any time those thoughts came back I could tell them to leave because we had taken care of the situation.

Well, just a couple of weeks ago something came in the mail that was a manifestation of the energy I gave to those thoughts. It wasn't a bank garnishment from the federal IRS, but a tax audit from the state of Utah department. Those are always fun. We got the paperwork from our accountant to show that we had filed taxes for the state and sent it in. But the spirit, during the process of taking care of it, whispered to me, "Andrea, your thoughts have more powerful creative action than you realize."

Then I pieced the puzzle together that this process to audit us from the state level was started at the same time in January that my fear based emotional reactions were happening with the "what if" IRS thoughts I was having. I was experiencing a manifestation of my creative power. And this was an affirmation of that.

Second example: money to go to Italy. Last year in the fall your dad's commission payment structure changed to be paid every quarter instead of every two weeks like before. We have been being paid the same amount of money, but in large chunk every three months instead. It has been a challenge to plan everything out perfectly ahead of time to make sure that we have everything taken care of with our obligations. We have paid everything ahead of time that we can, and we have to plan out the money necessary for fuel for cars, groceries, any emergency issues, etc. What we have found is that the last 3-4 weeks before the next commission check comes, we are VERY strapped and have ended up using savings money to get through. Because of this, those feelings of "not enough" have crept back in, very subtly. It is a lie, this "not enough" thought, because have plenty for everything we need, but those blueprints of money stress are something that Satan wants to keep using with us in order to keep us from moving forward.

So, low and behold, we have been manifesting "not enough" over the last couple of months. Everything has been tighter, things have come up that have taken extra income that we didn't have, so we have been taking out of savings to take care of it. We ended up being much tighter financially going on the Italy trip than we had thought we ever would be.

It has been the manifestation of allowing the "not enough" thoughts to take over our thought patterns. This is evidence of our creative power. The Spirit keeps telling me to take these situations as lessons, but do not let the "not enough" thoughts take over our minds again, because our power of creativity and manifestation are more potent than we have any idea.

So to combat the thoughts of "not enough"... what do you do? How do you get rid of them? First of all, I don't fight them. I talk to them when they come. I say to these thoughts, "I see that you have entered my mind again, and to what purpose?" Sometimes the 'thoughts' talk back and say, "To bind you and to scare you." So then I say, "You are not welcome here, and it is time for you to leave." Then I replace these thoughts with abundance thoughts that are TRUE thoughts. I am not feeding untruth into my mind. I am feeding it light and knowledge. The TRUTH is we do have more than enough. We are well taken care of. I see all my blessings around me and in my visualization I see my heart opening up and my arms opening wide to hug it all. I hug my family. I hug my home. I hug my furniture. I hug all the modern conveniences. I hug the angels watching over me. I see the angels surrounding my home with light and power. I hold my arms open to the world and invite all the goodness in and all the stewardship that comes with greater expansion.

Then I focus on my Savior. I see His face in my mind and my heart. I invite Him into my soul, I ask Him for a blessing.

This whole process is a beautiful process that has freed me from the shackles of fear and doubt that Satan puts over me constantly. Satan is always attacking me, but I use these tools of light in order to uninvited him. And he leaves when the light is powerful enough because he cannot withstand the presence of the Savior.

I felt strongly to share these experiences with you because of the way they have confirmed to me, once again, of the power of my thoughts and my creative capacity as a future Goddess.

I love you kids. You have all this same capacity. I know you will go through trials that will teach you, if you let them. They are the greatest teacher, I praise my God for the IRS. I truly do. It has been one of my greatest teachers in my life.

I love you,

Your Mom

A Time Anxiety Attacked Me

Dear Kids,

About 12 years ago there was a time when I was the CEO of a new, but growing company. It had a ton of potential and the owner approached me about becoming CEO in order to take it to the next level of operations. It was a technology company and he specifically approached me because of my communication and leadership background. "We have enough people who know about technology, we need someone to lead the team."

This was an exciting time for me. I couldn't wait to see what could happen with the company and what we could make of it. So I dug in. I got to know the current systems they were working on, was trained by programmers, brought up to speed on the current software, met with accounting, and got to know all the personnel. There was a lot to do, but I was ready for the challenge of it. We ended up hiring a few more people to join the team with designers and sales people.

The only part that wasn't so great was that the owner ended up not being honest with me about the company's growing financial concerns. There was a secret set of books that I wasn't aware of and a few things that slipped past me (that should have been red flags) that I simply didn't see for what they were. I knew after a while that there were some concerns because of how the owner was handling some things, but I had NO idea how far down the rabbit hole the concerns were.

Until one day .... (that is always the fateful line, right??)

He came to me one day at the office, on payday, and asked me to come to the conference room.

"We don't have any thing to pay the employees. We are completely broke."

At first I thought he was joking, but I quickly understood that he was not. "How can that be? What about this account.... and that account.... and what about these books.... and those numbers?"

"I'm sorry Andrea. We don't have anything. We have to tell everyone that we can't pay them and it's time to go home."

My head started to swirl. I was completely confused, and found out later about the various issues that had happened behind the scenes to which I wasn't aware. I remember looking at him after a few minutes and telling him that he was the one responsible to tell everyone individually why they were not going to be paid. That was not what I had signed up for and not my responsibility to take that onto my shoulders of something I didn't have a part of.

I went straight home. My eyes were of course taken over by the tears. I remember driving in a daze and getting home with some vertigo. I walked into our condo (I had been married for about 6 months at this point) and the next few minutes were etched in my heart memory and feeling bank forever. I stumbled to the hallway wall and started hyperventilating. I can still see that hallway and feel the texture of the wall on my hand. I couldn't breathe. I was completely in shock and the more thoughts swirled around in my head the more I couldn't breathe. I was literally having a major anxiety attack.

What about these people? They trusted me. How can I ever look at them in the eye again? How could he do this? How could someone that I trusted take away this future from me? Why didn't he tell me sooner? How are these people going to handle the news? Will they hate me? Will their families be okay? What about their future? Is there anyway to save the situation? I continued to sob and release sounds from my body that are only familiar to those who have had these kind of anxiety attacks.

Tighter and tighter my chest became and the harder it was to breathe. Then I did what I have done hundreds of times in my life, all I could do... fall on my knees and ask to be released and delivered. It wasn't the first time I had an anxiety attack, but it was absolutely the MOST severe up to that point. I was losing control of my body and my fear was gripping my entire reality. As I knelt all I could do was ask Jesus to release me and release my chest to take a breath.

It took quite a few minutes, but the more I spiritually focused on seeing my Savior there with me, the easier it was to breathe. The only thing I could do was see His face in my mind, and see His hands reaching for me, exactly like he had reached for Peter while he was falling and growing. The longer I sat there and focused on Him, the easier it was to breathe. I felt my chest relax and I finally got control of my body again.

After a while I was able to relax my mind and relax my spirit and soul. I went back to the office and I discovered that the owner still hadn't spoken with the team. I was livid, also one of those moments when I look back on it and I felt righteous indignation. I pulled him aside into the conference room and told him to immediately tell those people and he could not continue to avoid this situation.

The result of the company? It completely failed. The people in the company? No, they didn't hate me, some of them are still my most trusted and true friends. The things we went through together in that period of time bound us together. The owner of the company? He has done everything he can to make things right in his life and I can still hug him when I see him and laugh together about life. My anxiety attacks? I had a few more over the years that followed this particular instance, especially because of various trials that presented themselves. My strength and my soul? Resolute. EVERY anxiety attack or anxiety situation I have EVER had in my life has continued to strengthen me and focus spiritually on my Savior.

The power of our thoughts, the power of where and how we focus our thoughts, the power of the atonement of Christ and the power of spiritual focus is stronger than ANYTHING on this earth. I know this. The skills I have gained of the power of my mind and my soul interwoven with Christ is something I would NEVER give up and I would absolutely go through all of the same hard things to gain that ability.

I know hard things will continue to come. I know life is so full of ups and downs. I am experienced in life enough to understand how hard life can punch. But my punch back with the power of the Savior by my side is stronger, ALWAYS. No matter what is presented.

I love you kids. Focus on the Saviors face and on His hands reaching for you in your hard moments. Visualize Him, His strength, light, love and everything He is so it becomes a part of who you are in your darkest moments.

I love you,

Your Mom

Remember the Subway Man

Dear Kids,

The other day you were all just itching to use some money that you had earned. We have a pretty hard rule against any impulse buying. After talking about it they all decided that they really wanted to buy lunch for each other after we were finished with karate. So the decision was final.

Talia wanted to get Taco Bell for her and Joshua and Gabe wanted to get a subway sandwich for him and Elijah. After finishing up at Taco Bell we headed to Subway.

"Mom, I really want to go in by myself and do this." Gabe told me. So after parking in a spot I could see through the windows, he headed in and got in line. Talia ran in after him to see how he was doing. While she was in there I could see that Gabe got to the counter and started his order by telling the lady what he wanted and then handing her money. There was an older gentleman, probably 60 years old, watching him the whole time. I saw that this man said something, Talia and Gabe looked at each other, then Talia promptly ran out to me.

"Mom! That man just said he would buy Gabe's lunch! Can you believe it?"

So the scene proceeded to look like Gabe ordering the sandwiches, then the man told him to go choose some chips and a drink. Which made Gabe SUPER excited because he didn't have enough money for those things, he had only planned on buying the sandwiches. I watched as the gentleman stayed by him, paid for his things, Gabe said "thank you" many times, smiled REALLY big at him and then ran out to me.

"MOM! Can you believe it?? He bought all of this for me! It was 14$ and he bought it all! I can't believe it!!"

All of the kids talked about how amazing it was he would use his money to do a service for Gabe.

"After all," Gabe said, "When you have enough to spare, you have enough to share. He was showing us how to be like Jesus!"

We pulled out of the parking lot after telling the Subway Man "Thank you" one more time and headed down the road. The kids talked about this act of service for the next 20 minutes. They were just amazed.

So as the next few days went on, we affectionally have started to referring to him as "The Subway Man". When the kids are selfish and not sharing, or fighting, or anything else that is selfish behavior one of them says, "Guys, remember the Subway Man." And immediately they will back up and try again to fix their behavior. This example instilled and rooted something in their souls.

As the mom, I can't even say how grateful I am for this man in our lives. He is going to go down in our family's history and he has no idea about it. We must always remember to be like "The Subway Man", especially for the children and those around us that are being affected when we don't even realize it.

Be like the Subway Man. Look for ways to share. Look for examples to give. And out of love, out of pure motivation of the Savior.

I love you,

Your Mom

Sometimes Laundry Is The Best Temple Service

Dear Kids,

Your dad and I got to go to the Rome, Italy Temple on the FIRST day it was open. What a historic day for the church and for us as a family. When we got there on Tuesday morning, it was nice and early. The first endowment session was at 9am and was already full of reservations, but we were told to come as early as we could and then they would see what work they could have us do.

Well, it was VERY apparent after about 20 minutes that the temple staff was completely overwhelmed. There were so many people coming to do work (good problem to have) but they didn't have enough temple workers in order to keep up with the demand. The matron, Sister Pacini ended up coming into the chapel and saying, "We could REALLY use some help in the laundry room. Will you sisters consider helping?". We (I and the other ladies I was with) had previously told her that we would do ANYTHING they needed, so we jumped at the chance.

We headed down the laundry room and they were in a frenzy trying to keep up with the washing, folding, ironing, delivering and making new packets. They ended up having to go to the distribution center to get new things to keep up with the demand of people coming to do temple service. I ended up in the laundry room for 5+ hours. I was helping with washing, picking us bins, folding, delivering to the baptistry, ironing, hanging things up, delivering to the clothing room, taking things to the sealing rooms, going here and there and everywhere that they needed help or any errands run.

Let me tell you what... it was the BEST temple service I have given in a long time. It was where the most need was, and my soul was completely filled when we left. Plus, I really got the "backstage tour". So much to see and experience behind the scenes! When we ended up leaving, the laundry manager just thanked us over and over, "You were the angels I needed." Your dad ended up sitting in some sealings, going to the baptistry, and being in the celestial room for a while. He had a profound experience when he sat in the celestial room. When he sat down he had a brief but really powerful experience. He said, "I could feel all the souls of this land for the last 2,000 years crying from the dust and praising the Lord that there is finally a temple of God on this ancient ground." He said it was such a powerful spiritual vision and he burst into tears.

The matron, Sister Pacini, shared a story with us as well. She said, "We had some friends from England come and visit us here. They are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ, but they wanted to come and support us in our new calling. They spent a whole day going through the temple open house and on the grounds. Then the next day we went to St. Peter's Basilica by the Vatican. When we finished I asked her what she thought and she said, 'The Basilica was amazing and beautiful... but I didn't feel the 'hug'".

That is exactly it. The Temple leaves you with a heavenly hug EVERY TIME. No matter what service you do there, no matter what time you give, much or little, you leave with "the hug".

I'm SO GRATEFUL that we were able to go and be there on that sacred ground on that sacred day. And I tell you what! If your dad and I are ever called to serve a temple mission, or any mission in a foreign land, the best place to learn the language is in the laundry room! By the time we were finished I was starting to get some Italian!

I love you,

Your Mom

Talia's Lying About Whoppers

Dear Kids,

This story is about Talia today. She has been sneaking, lying, taking things without permission... and it has escalated quite a bit in the last couple of weeks.

First off, let me just say that I completely know this path. I lied over things A LOT when I was younger. I remember saying things that weren't true constantly. I wanted to please people around me. I wanted to get their approval. I didn't want to have a conflict. I would say the things that I thought people wanted to hear, especially my parents. I lied a lot, and made up my own reality quite a bit of the time. It wasn't until well into high school that I really started and WANTED to get a hold on this bad habit I had created for myself. It was a horrible habit, and one that was NOT easily broken.

I have complete understanding about this road of choices that Talia has been making. Assuming things are hers (I did that ALL the time), taking things without permission, sneaking, lying about it, making up different things about situations that didn't actually happen. I was the MASTER at all of this.

So it gives me the edge. When something happens with my kids, I know the ropes, I know the "ways" of deception. It is easy for me to catch and understand. However, the last little while with Talia has escalated A LOT. She is emotionally asking for more love and understanding... she is energetically saying, "Mom, dad, God... will you love me no matter what my 'performance' might be?"

It has been refining for me as her parent that is with her 90% of the time. Let me get into the story of today...

Today, something else happened, I have to write about it. Mainly because it is a parenting "win" for me. I NEVER once lost the Spirit through the whole situation. I kept my emotions completely in check and I didn't OWN her emotions once through the whole thing. I followed what the spirit was telling me to do the entire time.

For my "mom memories" it is worth writing down.

I went to get a granola bar from the treat cupboard this afternoon and I noticed that there was a box of candy (whoppers that dad got from the store for movie night a couple days ago) that was gone. I knew immediately that Talia had taken it to give to her friends.

So I went out into the circle to find her. I called for her to come, and she came bouncing over, one of the greatest things about her is her happiness. I asked her if she took the box of candy. She looked at me with a completely serious face and told me "no". She is getting really good at lying, because anyone else would have completely believed her. She doesn't shift her eyes anymore, she doesn't give a little movement of her mouth, she looks at me straight in the eye... all of her body language is correct for someone telling the truth. I know the game very well.

I kept smiling and being calm... I wasn't even in a state of irritation. I wasn't projecting any emotion onto her at all. I was able to keep my emotions at bay and look at her with complete non-judgement. I told her I wanted to look in the fort she was playing in with her friends. On the way over there she called one of her friends over, Emery, and told her something in her ear, in a way that she thought I couldn't see her. You know how kids do, I thought I was so sneaky so many times as a kid. Now I know the adults around me were completely aware of what was happening.

Anyway, I digress. I got to the fort and there on the ground was the box of whoppers. Talia came over and with a straight face said, "Mom, those are Emery's whoppers."

She was prepared for the situation and thought she figured out a way around the deception. I told her that I knew these were our whoppers and she had taken them without permission. She said, "No, they are Emery's, aren't they Emery?"

She looked at her friend and her cute friend looked at me with that guilty look in her eye and said, "Yep, they are mine!"

Mind you, the whole time I am not feeling any frustration at all with Talia. I was SO GRATEFUL for that ability today, THAT was the miracle and parenting win today. I was completely acting in the spirit. I looked at Talia and said, "Talia, you told Emery to lie to me and you took these whoppers from the cupboard. It is time to say good bye and come home for the day."

She started getting really sad, then as we were walking back home, I put my arm around her and kept her close and she started crying much louder. "Mom! I will do anything to get my privilege back to play with my friends! I will do anything! I will do all the chores, all the laundry! I just want to play with my friends! What if I finish playing with them today and I will lose the privilege for tomorrow? What if I do a lot of extra school work?"

She went on and on and on as we walked home trying to get me to say anything to her about it. I just kept my arm around her and loved her as we walked. We went to the couch and I told her, "Talia, you lost your privilege to play today because you chose to lie and sneak. You lose your privilege to play tomorrow because you used your influence to tell Emery to lie to your mom."

There was MAJOR weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. She just freaked out. I had her go to her room and told her she could get all her emotions out in there. She stayed there for about 10 minutes while she cried and felt through the emotions she was feeling. During this time I just prayed. "Father... what would you have me do with this situation? What do you want me to do with this child of Thine?"

The answer that came was, "Teach her. Create a new relationship about truth with her."

So when she finished with her emotions I had her do a couple of things after a prayer:

1. I felt that she needs to start retraining the thought patterns in her mind. One of the ways to do that is by affirmations. I had her write the phrases "I tell the truth" and "I am always honest" 20 times each. I had her sit in the sun while she did this with some good water to drink.

2. She watched a couple scripture videos about honesty and then came and told me about them.

3. We then went to her friends house and she apologized to her friend and then she apologized to her friend's mom for teaching her friend to lie. (this was a HUGE thing for Talia. She DID NOT want to do this, but she did it! We made it!)

4. I showed her the Topical Guide in her scriptures and we found six scriptures on honestly for her to look up, read, and mark.

5. I kept my state of love and emotion the ENTIRE TIME. THIS was a GIFT from God. I know Talia felt the gravity of her decisions, and a HUGE part of that was because I was not owning them at all. She was owning all of it.

The continued actions we are going to do with her tomorrow are:

1. She is going to read a couple books about honesty.

2. I will have her do some more affirmations again in a journal, outside, in the sun with good nutrition.

3. And I am going to do some close interactions with her so she knows that I love her no matter what. Physical touch is her love language.

4. I am going to practice giving her MAJOR praise when she does ANYTHING that is truthful and honest. I am going to give her major positive feedback for the behaviors we want repeated instead of giving negative feedback about the behaviors that we DON'T want repeated.

I feel such confirmation about this path for tomorrow. And I will be directed what to do from there for the next day. She will choose her own path inside of this weakness of hers, but she will figure it out to be a strength. We all do eventually right??!

Talia, now it's time for "first person". No matter what your choices, or any of the other kids choices are in the future, what REALLY matters is to love you NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PERFORMANCE IS. Good or bad, yelling or laughing, smiling or crying, lying or honesty, the key is feeling love for you throughout all the behaviors.

Then giving the rest to God.

I love you,

Your Mom

Christ Is The Only Reality

Dear Kids,

I need to print out from the news everything that has been happening in the world lately. It is blowing up in so many ways. I can't believe the level of wickedness and abomination that keeps happening around me.

But... there is always a but...I also am amazed at how much is going on in the kingdom of God all at the same time. President Nelson feels a fire to get the church ready for the 2nd Coming of Christ. I feel that fire from him and it is so rejuvenating! We haven't had conversations about this for so long as a church, he just has been giving everyone permission to start really talking about it again.

I have no idea the time frame for everything. I don't know exactly what will happen and when it will happen. But I do know that the elect are being called forth. I know that we are being prepared to be away from the world, no matter how long we are in it. I know that members of the church from all over are either being lifted up or sifted out. You just can't sit on the edge anymore. No one can.

When I think about raising all of you, I think of the investment I am making inside of all of my future posterity. I am NOT JUST raising you. I am raising my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren as well. I am raising so many future generations. It is the ultimate investment into your future, to be here with you and instill inside of you the doctrine of Christ.

There are so many things about the corruption of the world that I really want to teach you. The history of deep state "gadianton robbers" that are alive in the world, the role of energy work in our lives, the history of Christ and where he traveled, the influence He had on EVERYONE He met, the history of America... so many things.

But most of all making sure that you are centered in the gospel of Jesus Christ. More than anything that is the key for everything in this life. The Gospel of Christ is the ONLY reality. Everything stems from it.

I know you will choose your own destination as you grow up and leave the house and make your own life. But I hope you will always choose Christ. ALWAYS.

I love you,

Your Mom

Just Like The Brother of Jared Stones, Christ Touched Me

Dear Kids,

I am convinced that one of the most powerful ways you can get to know your Savior Jesus Christ is by visualizing Him, and inviting Him into your mind. Picturing Him being with you, giving you blessings, sitting beside you... so many things.

There are several people I know that don't feel like that is an "appropriate" thing to do. I completely disagree with them. How else do we invite Him into our lives other than picturing Him here with us already? We are told to "see with an eye of faith" in the scriptures. We are told to knock on the door. We are told that He is always near. This is a very powerful principle.

Today I took some time to meditate and ponder. I had some nature sounds on to listen to. I have to start with taking deep breaths and feel inside of my soul. Then today I went, in my mind, to a stream up in the mountains with aspens all around me. I had a comfortable red chair there by the stream that I sat in.

Then I visualized something I haven't done before. I started with my head and mind and I pictured Christ extending His finger and touching my mind... similar to the way I picture that He touched the stones for the Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon. I just pictured His hand coming from out of the veil and touching my mind, then my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my neck, my shoulders, my heart, my vitals, my bowels, my legs. I felt and visualized light expanding from His finger into my body and filling my body with light and love and energy and power. His power.

Then I pictured that He held out a bag, it was a red velvet bag, and I placed all the things that are weighing heavy on my heart into the bag... some of them I don't even have words for... it was like a rope that kept coming from my heart and mind and the rope had all the string of thoughts and feelings that have been inside of my body. I kept pulling on that rope that connected my heart and mind and placing into Christ's bag that He held out for me until the rope stopped. The rope was different colors and textures as it came out of me.

This was SO POWERFUL for me. Picturing this was so powerful for me. It felt freeing and releasing. It was such a great way for me to picture Christ taking my burdens. Him taking them from me and telling me, "I will carry this for you."

I have SUCH A HUGE testimony of the power of meditation and pondering. Of picturing Christ in our lives and in our hearts. So many pictures and visualizations in order to help lighten our burdens. I invite you, and anyone else reading this, to do this exercise. It might take practice. It might take time to really get your mind and heart to "go there". But practice. Do it. It is worth it to have these sacred experiences.

The first time I visualized and meditated it was not natural. It takes time. But do it. And keep Christ close as you do. He wants to be close to you in those mind and heart expanding experiences.

I love you,

Your Mom

Taking My Power Back Again After Dancing With Fear

Dear Kids,

There was a specific moment in our marriage when we were working through some really hard things. I'm going to try and describe something to you about marriage that hopefully can help you in your future marriages.

Everyone has something... or many 'things' they have to work on during their marriage. You are going to experience major road blocks and major trials. You have false expectations if you think differently. For this period of time in our marriage I am going to call it "getting to the other side of my worst fear".

One of my worst fears came true in our marriage. And for many months I didn't feel like I could breath. It was so lonely. It was so devastation. It was so gut wrenching. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I give him a chance? I knew I needed to work on forgiveness no matter what. But what I didn't know is what the future was going to hold for us and whether or not that future looked like we were together or apart.

I had so many months of anxiety, loss of sleep, horrible dreams. And I did it on my own. We couldn't afford a therapist at the time. I didn't want to talk to my family about it, because of perceptions there. I didn't want to talk to my friends about it. I had no desire to talk to anyone, honestly. I was alone.

Well.... or I THOUGHT several times that I was alone dealing with it all. Your dad was working out of town while I was going through all of this with him, so I was home with you at the time. Gabe was five yrs., Talia three yrs. and Elijah one yr. I stopped going out. I stopped showing up to play dates. I stopped reaching out to people. Basically I went dark to the outside world.

The Lord was working on my soul. I remember writing in my journal like crazy, then throwing it away. I remember writing my thoughts on my whiteboard (that is the best place I process things) and just trying to throw up my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

The biggest thing that I had a hard time getting past was my victim feeling inside of it all. There were so many things that had happened in our marriage that were the result of your dad's choices. I was the victim inside of all of this. I was reaping the consequences of so many years of bad decisions on his part with money, IRS, relationship stuff, everything.

I allowed myself to stay in that victim mindset for A LONG TIME. I remember my prayers were just full of victim feelings. I was full of frustration, fear, anxiety, loneliness and unsurety. Reconciling all of it in my heart and mind was a struggle for me.

Then one day during prayer I remember I was in my bathroom and I was bawling. My heart ache was so immense. I didn't even have words for it, I just remember blubbering and asking for relief. Then the spirit was very direct with me...

"Andrea, you can leave if that is what you choose. You can stay, if that is what you choose."

I didn't know what I wanted to choose. I was placing all the responsibility of my life's happiness on Brent's decisions and choices. I had given my power away. I truly had. My peace, my happiness, my behavior. I had given my power away to the situation.

"Andrea, you chose this man for a reason. You decided to marry him."

Yes... but I didn't know all of this was going to be a result of that choice! "For better or worse" Right?? I didn't realize the worse was going to be so extremely soul-sucking.

"Andrea, it is in your hands. Your peace is in your hands. You can choose to accept the peace of Christ and stay. Or you can choose the accept the peace of Christ and leave. Either way, you have to choose to let the peace of Christ in your heart."

I knew it was true. I knew I had allowed myself to be robbed of my happiness and peace in Christ. I knew I had to choose. And if I chose to stay, I could NOT allow myself to be a victim of this relationship any longer. I could no longer give my power away to my husband's choices. Whether they are good or bad! I could no longer give my power of peace away to anyone or any circumstance. Peace comes from choosing Christ within. And it is a choice to accept the peace that Christ and His atonement have for me.

So... I marinated on it. I considered all the options that were physical decisions. I played out every scenario in my mind and heart of what my choices were. Stay with him and see what he chose to do with his life. Leave and move. Leave and stay. Leave and get a job. Leave and demand he provides so I can still be with the kids. Stay with him. Fall in love again. What falling in love looked like. What fruits I wanted to see on his part in order to know he was 'planting a good tree for the future' - so to speak.

Ultimately, I decided to stay. I went to the bishop of our ward. Brent was working with him. I talked with him about it. He told me, "Andrea, what I foresee is that this experience is going to make you as a couple impenetrable. It is going to make you stronger and so much better than you ever were before. You can stay. But if you stay it is because you are choosing it. You are not a victim inside of your marriage any longer from here on out. You choose to forgive, move on, accept the peace of Christ and let Christ's atonement define you."

Now, years later, I can look back on this experience and say... yes, it was the most difficult experience up to this point. I was dancing with my worst fear. But part of the dancing analogy was wrong in my mind. You see, when you dance with someone, you are choosing to dance and enjoy that time together. I was dancing with my worst fear because I was staying with fear. I was dancing around life with fear right beside me. And when I completely opened my eyes and realized my power because of the redemption of Christ, I let go of fear and started dancing with peace instead.

Yes, your dad and I are stronger than we ever have been before. And it has taken years to really rebuilt the solid trust we have with each other. He had to learn to trust the Savior in a way that he didn't know before as well, just like I had to. And once that trust was rebuilt, we have been better together. I am NOT ashamed of my past experiences with him because it has made us who we are today. I praise the Lord for letting me go through all of it. I praise Him for the difficult as well as the beautiful. That experience put life in perspective for me more than anything else could have. And I praise him for this man who is by my side. He is amazing for going through his repentance process and coming closer to Christ than anyone I know.

Now, I choose peace. I choose peace in Christ. I choose love for life. I do not give my power away. I am not a victim in ANYTHING now. I see things for what they are. I see circumstances for what they are. My eyes have been opened to my power inside of Christ in a way that could not have happened in any other way for me. And the seeds we planted together as a couple have grown into a marvelous tree that is bearing beautiful fruit.

I love your dad, fiercely. I praise God for every part of him. I praise God for our marriage, "For better or for worse".

When you come to hard times in your marriage and family life... you must discover your personal power with Christ. Your own personal peace in your heart, not matter what is going on around you.

I love you,

Your Mom

Lessons at the Park

Dear Kids,

Seriously. I've been so grumpy the last few days.

In 30 years or so, when you are a parent, you will sometimes amaze yourself. In both good and bad ways. Sometimes you handle things so UGLY, you won't even recognize the person that you are. It's like this stranger jumps out and takes over your mind and body... the famous "mom monster" is something that EVERYONE experiences at one time or another.

Then other times you handle things so BEAUTIFULLY that you surprise even yourself.

Today at the park I had a beautiful moment. It came after a couple days of bad moments. And I needed to surprise myself.

We were running around playing "Lava Monster". I was the monster and all of you were my prey. You know the game. It's pretty famous in every child's imagination. At one point Elijah started running away from me and bolted. While, at the same time, he turned his head, an 18 month old little boy stepped in front of him, and they collided together.

The scene is a familiar one. Elijah said "sorry" really fast, then turned to me suddenly and was completely embarrassed. The mom of the 18 month old came over and grabbed her son and started cuddling with him. She dismissed it and said it was okay, she knew it was an accident. She smiled and walked away while comforting her son.

But in that moment (it all happened in .02 seconds) while Elijah was there, he wanted to run. He wanted to run away from the problem that he created by hurting someone else. He was embarrassed. In a flash I put him on my lap and tried to comfort him, but he was rejecting my help. He was trying to get away from me as quickly as he could, and away from the boy that he had hurt. I was calm and I kept telling him that we knew it was an accident. He didn't do anything wrong and I kept him close.

I told him it was good to say "sorry", but we can't run away from the person that was hurt, we need to say "sorry" and STAY. Stay to make sure they are okay.

After a few minutes he was ready to go to the little boy and his mom and make sure he was okay. He asked if the boy was alright and his mom said, "It's okay, he's okay."

Then we went on with our lava monster game. And there was a piece of Elijah that felt calm.

The thing that just really caused me to sit back and think in my heart, was the reaction of Elijah's...to run away from the pain he had caused.

One of the most painful things (and the most joyful) to admit to yourself as a parent is that your child's repeated behavior is in a large part happening because of the patterns that you establish together in your relationship and environment, like a dance partner.

You get into this "dance" with your child, with them acting out in the same ways over and over, and you responding to them in the same way... over and over. After just a few of these moments, habits of behavior are established whether good or bad. Then after years of the pattern happening, it becomes a part of who your child really is. It's the building blocks of a child's perception of themselves and the world around them.

Elijah's reaction was part of this "dance" that we have established together. He is VERY physical, SO much more than anyone else. He wanted to run from the pain he had caused that little boy because of ME. Because of the repeated reaction I give him so often when he physically acts out.

Often times, I handle the conflicts in our home the exact same way as how I did at the park. I handle them beautifully, with grace and patience.

But other times, I don't handle it right at all. Like the last few days of "grumpy". I get frustrated SO quickly, everything that is happening in our home just frustrates me. And with that emotion I plant the seeds of contention in our home. Mom is the heart of the home. Sometimes I love that and hate it all at the same time! I needed a situation like the park today to remind me about the seeds of behavior I am planting in my children's lives. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, exciting, etc.

Children's behavior is a reflection of what is going on around them. Then as they get older it becomes a part of who they are, a culmination of all those seeds through the years.

Don't get me wrong. You all came to this earth as very unique individuals. Each of you came with your strengths and your weaknesses, there isn't anything I can do to change that, and I wouldn't want to! But the patterns established in our home are going to make ALL the difference with how you handle life, your relationships, your communication patterns, your reality.

Luckily, I also believe that we have a Savior who makes up ALL the difference. Just like the five loaves and two fishes, He takes what I put before Him in my parenting and HE expands it. He makes it more abundant. I don't believe that we can "blame" our parents for who we choose to become. No way. BUT, I KNOW I want to be able to tell my Savior that I did the best I knew how, and then gave the rest to Him to expand and multiply my efforts. And then you can all take that sacrifice and choose to do with it what you will in your lives.

So.... my point?

I know I'm doing the best I know how. I know I am planting fruits of greatness and fruits of challenges. I am human and I won't handle things always the best way. I know that all of you look to me as your mentor. You crave my love. You crave my approval. I know I can give that to you DESPITE your good or bad behavior. Then I give the rest of it to Jesus, and he takes my feeble efforts and expands it by thousands.

I give my grumpiness the last couple days to Jesus. Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my capacities with handling all of you. I learn my lessons. And I give that beautiful moment in the park to Jesus as well.  Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my ability to do more of THAT, so I can help you all have the rich possibilities inside of healthy habits and patterns of behavior.

I love you all. I love you so much.

Love,

Your Mom