Aunt LaRue's Funeral

 Dear Kids, 

I went to the funeral for my Aunt LaRue a couple weeks ago. I just headed up to Idaho Falls quickly for the day. I had to go support. 

Let me explain where she was in the family. 

Mimi - Her mom was Connie McCrary Connell - Your Great Grandma.

Aunt LaRue was your Great Grandma Connie's sister. 

Jennifer Berrett Tanner is my cousin - her mom is Peggy Berrett (the picture is of me and Jennifer, I love her!). Peggy was LaRue's daughter. I lived with them after my mission while I went to massage therapy school. And I roomed with Jennifer in college. Peggy really is like an adopted mom. I love her so much. 

LaRue lived to be like 96 years old. 

We went to LaRue's house for Thanksgivings. I remember being in her basement and fighting with cousins down there. I remember running around her yard in the summer. I remember she adopted our family after Grandma and Grandpa passed away. I really relate to her even more because she knew what it meant to lose a sister too young. 

When I went to her funeral I saw a bunch of cousins I hadn't seen for years. LaRue was an AMAZING grandma. Her grandkids (Jennifer was one of them) all talked about how she would ALWAYS show up for things. She and her hubby Joe would always show up to "grandparents day" at school. All her grandkids gave her tribute for keeping their family together. One of the greatest phrases from the funeral was, "I know what God's love feels like... it feels like grandma's house."

All her grandkids are all adults with their own kids now. She left quite a legacy. 

As I was sitting there I felt jealousy and I felt frustrated. I didn't get all these memories with my grandparents, on either side. My kids won't have those memories with their grandma. It was just so RIGHT to have her pass away so elderly. She did what she needed to do. She was ready to go home. 

too many people leave too early. It feels like that a lot of times. 

I know in God's economy that nothing is out of place. And I trust God. I really do. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I get to work through those emotions of hurt and anger about what I didn't get to experience. 

But the positive thing that really came from being there was being able to support. EVERYONE thanked me for being there (I was the only one there together with papa). They were all so grateful that I came. I'm so glad I made the effort. It's ALWAYS worth the effort to support ALWAYS. Don't ever forget that. SHOW UP. Just show up. 

I also kept saying to myself, "I have longevity in my line! My great grandma lived to be 103. LaRue lived to be 96... I have longevity in my line! My grandparents on the Kvarfordt side lived to be over 80 as well. I can do this! I can have another good 40 years left in my life at least! There's so much I can do. My life is only half way through!"

That felt good. That felt right. That felt like an affirmation to feed myself. To feed my soul. 

I'm glad I went. It was hard. It was good. It was emotional. And it was the right things to do. Sometimes life just isn't fair. That is the truth. AND we aren't victims either. Work through your emotions and work through your hurt, any kind of hurt in your heart. BUT don't live there. Don't wallow in it. Learn from it and move through it and then become a better person because of it. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Thanksgiving and Grief During The Holidays

 Dear Kids, 

We went to Idaho for Thanksgiving, it was awesome to be up there with everyone. (picture of Talia with Esti holding Kalea's twins over Thanksgiving)

There were a lot of great things about it and a lot of hard things about it. I loved being in my childhood home with dad there. I loved that cousins were there playing together. I loved feeling the feelings of Christmas together. I loved seeing all of you play with Kalea's twin babies. I loved helping with the littles. I loved setting up the dinner so everyone enjoyed it. I loved playing games and talking and laughing. 

There were a lot of hard things about it as well. We had to start going through deciding "who got what". It took a really long time and we aren't done yet. It's exhausting to go through "stuff". It's exhausting to think about all the change. It's exhausting to think of what dad will choose to do with his life. It was really hard to not have the Merrell kids there and to have the understanding that we won't see them very much from here on out. Our family is on the back burner for them and it's REALLY hard. I miss Shayla's kids. You all miss your cousins. It's just difficult. The holidays this year are MUCH harder than last year. We still had the "bubble" around us of protection through the holidays last year and I was very busy taking care of Papa and helping with lots of things. I was distracted from the emotions of the holidays last year. Not this year. It's all hitting me square in the face. 

I saw a facebook post about grief around the holidays and it's perfect:

"Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. ⁣

You can be thankful for what remains and still be sad for what is lost.⁣

⁣

You might hear some folks tell you to be grateful. To stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you have.⁣

⁣

That's just rude.⁣

⁣

Grief and gratitude exist side by side.⁣

They're companions, not opposites.⁣

⁣

PS: If you're supporting a grieving friend, don't "prescribe" gratitude.⁣

You can ask your friend how they feel about this gratitude-based season. Be curious about how gratitude shows up in their life. About what it's like to not feel it if they don't.⁣

⁣

It's OK if your person doesn't feel grateful. Pushing gratitude doesn't take away pain.⁣

Support them inside their sadness without trying to fix it. ⁣

⁣

Listen.⁣

Acknowledge.⁣

Don't fix.⁣"

I just thought it was perfect. THIS thought is exactly how I was feeling through Thanksgiving, and I'm SURE it's how I will feel during Christmas as well. 

I know each of you had various degrees of a hard time as well. 

Talia - you are really missing Mimi during girl times. You LOVED watching Hallmark Christmas movies with her and you cried with Esti a couple of times about how much you both missed her. You spent time switching out the plates in the hutch and you really missed her while you were doing that. 

Gabriel - you missed her when you were talking about how much you don't want to have papa get rid of the house. You said, "Mom... where are we going to be able to gather with our cousins?? We just can't go anywhere else!". You told Papa that, and I think he really started thinking about the effect of the house on everyone. 

Elijah - you are very hard to read with your emotions about things like this. You bury your feelings a lot and you don't really know how to talk about it. I think because your feelings are SO BIG it's hard for you to describe what's going on inside of you. I know you miss the way she would specifically tease you. You will say things like "Mimi would have thought that was funny". 

Joshua - you are just still so involved in the spiritual world. You always have Mimi as part of your prayers at night, you always pray for her to be your guardian angel. I know you feel her close. You feel like she's just around. 

I love you kids. So much. 

Your Mom

Shayla Talking To Me While Working Out

 Dear Kids, 

This morning I had an experience with Shayla, I had to write it down. 

It's been discouraging to exercise lately. My body is definitely different than it has been for years, I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm aching. The fact that I haven't eaten well doesn't help either! I can definitely do better with my eating. 

I have had a yo-yo up and down with healthy living for several years. It's interesting when you know my background with it too. I used to compete in races. I loved racing. I loved doing sprint tri-athlons. I loved working out, eating raw food, being as healthy as possible. I really thrived on it. When I married your dad I relaxed a bit because we had such different ways of eating, but I was able to remain healthy. It helped a lot when I had all my babies and there were ups and downs getting "my body back", but I was able to do it. I was always working with herbs and natural medicine, and started the herbal business "Natural Medicine Mama's" with Mimi and we were doing really well. I had A LOT of confidence in my lifestyle choices. 

I think I've written about this before, so if it's a repeat, forgive me... however the background of this experience with Shayla today is what makes it even more poignant. I really slumped with everything "Natural" and "Healthy" after my mom (Mimi) got sick. She had a silent heart attack and at the same time, the tumor in her stomach kept growing and she kept getting more ill. It's like it took all the foundation of my belief in everything "natural" out from under me. Mom had always been super healthy, gardening, herbs, eating well, no sugar, all the things. And she still got ill. it's like I had subconsciously told myself that if I did what she did I would have a healthy life. 

When she got ill and went downhill and we had to take care of her for those 4-5 years, I slumped BIG TIME. I remember having thoughts like, "She did everything healthy and natural and she's still declining... so why should I care? I might as well have this big bowl of ice cream and everything else." I had other thoughts like, "Living with herbs and everything natural is just a bunch of crap. It doesn't matter. Dad has eaten horribly for years, has been using pharmaceuticals for a long time, and he's the one that's outliving mom." 

So for the last 4-5 years I just have yo-yo'd big time. I will KNOW in my head that I need to do better. I'll do really well for a couple of weeks and start to feel really well, and then I will just go right back again. I've NEVER done this in my life. I have always been the person with A LOT of self control, this part of me has shown up and it's been hard to figure out. 

since we've been at Krista's house I've been trying to exercise and do better, but again, I've been yo-yoing a lot. Exercising is difficult and I'm slower than I ever have been in my life. My body is achy and I'm not running at all like I used to. I'm not light on my feet anymore and I am really feeling it. 

So I started exercising again this morning, and I was starting to sweat, it felt really good. Then all of sudden I had the thought of Shayla, in her wheelchair, with tumors blowing up all over her body. I had the flashback of how she couldn't do anything and she wanted to so much. I felt her REALLY strongly RIGHT there with me as I was running on the treadmill. I thought, "Of course I would feel you here Shayla, you loved this!" Shayla REALLY loved working out and finding her soul in sweating and running and staying active. I LOVED feeling her close to me as I was exercising. Then I heard her say, "Andrea, you have a beautiful body, it isn't done. Don't give up on it." 

It just hit me so hard. Don't give up on my body. It has served me so well. I have A LOT left in my life to live for and to do. Don't give up on my body! I started BAWLING. I needed to hear that from her so much. Hearing it from Shayla meant more than hearing it from anyone else. I thought to myself that I want to ask her for help on this yo-yo journey of finding my belief in all things natural again. I want her to help me with sugar addiction. I want her to be part of it with me. I need that from her. And I know she would like to help me with it. It's something you would do together with your sister :-) - That makes me smile. 

I miss her so much. A LOT. I miss everything about her. It's hard to move on and try to figure it all out. I miss Mimi too. I will figure out ways of connecting with Mimi while she's on the other side of the veil. I haven't found a lot of them yet - all the times that I have felt her close has been when I've been admiring YOU. She loved you. She loved being a mom and being a grandma. When I take moments to just be with you and I am admiring everything about all of you, I feel Mimi really close. When I have joy in my motherhood, Mimi is close by. 

I love you kids. I love you a lot. I hope that as you read these different experiences from me that they will help your life. I love each of you so much. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Spiritual Indicators Talk & Holy Habits & Righteous Routines

 Dear Kids, 

There was a talk in sacrament meeting several weeks ago that I HAVE to write down - it was so good and it stuck with me so much that I realized I have to write it down in my journal. 

The man who got up to talk works for the United Nations. His job is to go into refugee camps and evaluate how everything is going in the camp. Are the people healthy? How are their accommodations? How is the leadership? How is sanitation? Are their needs being met?

He told us how usually he has about 24 hours to complete an assessment and he will walk around the camps, he will interview people, and through observation and communication is able to put together the necessary information to report back about the state of the refugee camp. 

He has done this all over the world and in multiple situations. 

He then talked about how sometimes they have emergency situations that happen and because of a lot of different circumstances he will only be given 1-2 hours to put together a full evaluation of the camp. He then told us how impossible it seems to put together an evaluation that will do anything justice. It is such a process and when he's faced with emergency situation and has to complete it - HOW does he do it?

He talked then about how he has a few "indicators" that he relies on that have never failed him. 

The best indicator is children. When he walks around the camp he can tell very quickly by behavior of children if they are in a healthy safe environment or not. Are they playing? Are they displaying normal childhood behavior? Or are they sitting, staring at a wall, overwhelmed, not making eye contact? 

There are several "indicators" he is able to see in a moment in order to get the feedback he needs to put on his evaluation sheet to report back. It doesn't take much to see how human behavior is affected by trauma and to sense normal human reaction compared to trauma response. 

He then said this, "Brothers and sisters - you can do the same thing in your life. It only takes a moment to look at your "spiritual indicators" to know whether or not you are on track with what's happening in your soul. When I say, "scripture study" it only takes you a moment to evaluate what's happening in your life with your personal or family scripture study. When I say, "Prayer", it only takes a moment to understand what is happening in your prayer relationship with your Heavenly Father. These are "spiritual indicators" where in a moment, you can tell immediately HOW you are spiritually doing. My question for you is... What are your spiritual indicators telling you? How would you fill out your evaluation sheet?". 

It was SUCH A POWERFUL TALK. I loved it so much. It just hit me in a very specific way. 

In general conference there was a talk by Elder Lund where he used the phrase, "Righteous routines and Holy Habits."

I want our family to have righteous routines and holy habits. And I can't do it alone, I need all of you to be emotionally and spiritually involved in order to make our family work. 

We've been reading scriptures every morning on my bed all together at 9am. We weren't getting it done at night and so I decided we were going to have to do it without dad and read scriptures on our own in the mornings so we didn't miss it. I want to partake of the promises of the prophet and what he told us that could happen in our home and family by doing Come Follow Me together. So we are doing that every morning. Then we are saying prayer together. 

I feel like night time routine can be helped A LOT - but it's tough in someone else's home and space to take control of that myself - so I am going to be patient for that until we move in somewhere. Your dad really needs to be part of these righteous routines and holy habits as well. 

I'm doing my best. There is always more to do - and I don't have that much longer with you in my home, so I have to take advantage of the next several years as much as I can. 

I love you kids. Don't forget - YOUR MOTHER KNOWS THE LORD - and I want you to know Him too. 

Love, 

Your Mom

(picture is of us as a family after we went and gave hot chocolate to the homeless in downtown SLC)

Careful Of Screens!

 Dear Kids, 

This world is so subtle and tricky. Talia has had some struggles with some addiction to youtube and we had a bit talk about it the other day. She has been getting up and watching videos in the morning when no one else is awake. 

I looked at her history of viewing and it's been about a week or two of doing this behavior. Luckily, no porn has come up - but it's just a bunch of pop culture stuff that is junk information and rots her mind. I could tell something was going on because when she would come to scriptures in the morning she was very on edge. When I caught her yesterday morning the spirit told me to go and talk with her. I got out of bed and found her and she had a hard time admitting her guilt. 

But she did and we were able to work it out. However, I know this isn't the last of things like this that will come up. We have to set some really specific parameters around technology, which I thought we had, but all of you are so smart, especially Talia is so crafty with problem solving and finding her way around things, which is a blessing and a curse. 

This same addiction to screens happened with Gabe when we caught him at night sneaking watching screens, and I'm sure the same thing with happen with Elijah - SCREENS ARE SO ADDICTING! And this last year you have had WAY so much of screens for all of your own good. 

I can't wait to get into a house and a normal routine where we can really start to control what's happening with the internet in our house and set some screen goals. 

Teaching you all how to interact in a healthy way with screens is a HUGE challenge! It's one of the things in the great and spacious building - but it's also so important to learn how to overcome screens when you  are young and gain the skills necessary. I know you will mess up while you are in our home - I expect it. And it's necessary. 

I just hope I can handle the things that come up in the right way - with the spirit. 

I know the spirit is warning you all, all the time, to be careful. Just LISTEN to the spirit. LISTEN to those promptings, they will NEVER lead you in the wrong way!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Mimi's Angel Day & Processing Trauma

Dear Kids, 

I want to tell you about my process with it being a year since Mimi passing away. (picture is of us after we let our balloons go into the sky)

We celebrated her angel day on October 17-18th. I feel like she kind of has two angel days because the last day she had on earth was so wonderful and full of the spirit and then she died the next morning at about 2amish. 

We watched a Christmas movie and baked cookies in her honor. We wrote notes to her about what we missed and how much we loved her. We wanted to put those notes into balloons, but it weighed them down so much that we decided to burn the notes instead, and then we went to the dollar store to get balloons to release and watch go to heaven. I feel like it was a good day. 

Everyone misses Mimi in their own way. 

Gabe - you are so tender about it. You miss her for all the tender reasons and all the little reasons. You miss how she played games with you and how she laughed at you and how she was so encouraging to you all the time. She loved you so much, she would always say, "He is so sweet!"

Talia - you miss Mimi for all the girl reasons. She spent girl time with you watching Christmas movies and decorating the house. She was really good about making sure to make you feel special being the only girl in the family. I know you really miss that about her. She loved you so much too! She told me one day how she had been praying about you and how to love you and help you more. 

Elijah - you miss Mimi for all the teasing reasons. You guys would tease each other all the time. She would always make you come to her so she could kiss you on the cheek before you went to bed. You acted like you didn't like it, but in reality you loved it. She loved your teasing nature and how you would always tell the funniest jokes. You guys had a special bond because of when you stayed with her before Joshua was born. 

Joshua - you miss Mimi for all the little toddler reasons. You loved her hugs. She always made you feel special because of how she would wink at you and you really LOVED how she would always make time to play checkers with just you and no one else. She was so good at quality time and filling up love buckets. You still pray every night for Mimi to be your guardian angel and I believe she is!

I miss her immensely as well. 

Once you are all old enough to have your own kids, you will understand a bit more. And once I get old enough that you have to take care of me, you are going to understand even more! When I start to decline it is going to be weird for you. When you see how old I'm getting and that I'm not capable like I used to be, it's going to be hard for you - I know this because of how hard it was for me when that happened to my mom. 

And remember, when you are helping me when I am old and grey and can't do things for myself any more, that it is part of the circle of life. I took care of my mom and you get to take care of me too one day. And I will love you all for it, just like my mom loved me for taking care of her. She told me one time a couple days before she died, "Andrea, you are looking at me like you're my mom!"... and its' true... it's because I was taking care of her in a way that she always took care of me. There is something that changes in you when you take care of your aging parents - a reality of life that hits you like nothing else does. And you will have your chance at it one day. 

This angel day with Mimi - I had to process my own personal trauma inside of what happened a year ago. Randomly I would have flashes come to my mind of something that happened - a far away look in her eyes, not knowing she took her oxygen out and was suffocating to death and didn't know it and I had to hurry and put it back in her nose, holding her oxygen tubes when she wanted to get up and walk, when she would get up and walk and not know why she was even going anywhere, watching her lose her sanity a few times and helping her to the bathroom, getting food for her and making sure to get her food that her stomach would be okay with... so many memories of just taking care of her. 

I had flashbacks over and over and over again of all of those days before she passed away. And I realized that this last year I had processed missing her, I had processed that she left, and processed a lot of anger and frustration and sadness, but I had NOT processed the trauma of what I had personally experienced involved in her passing away. 

So I sat with it for a few days. I was very depressed for about a week. It was hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, especially because I didn't have words for what was going on inside of me. When memories would pop up I tried to look at them, and almost talk to them. Ask them what they were teaching me and how they helped me. I did a lot of energy work on those memories and emotional work on the memories that would come and pop up out of no where. I tried to feel the trauma to understand it more... I just tried to not ignore it but to be honest with myself about it. 

It took about a week, but I was able to work through it and at the end of that week I was able to bounce back out of the depression that had overshadowed me. And looking back on it, it wasn't a bad place, but it was a heavy place, and a hard place emotionally to be in, but it was necessary. 

I'm SO GRATEFUL for the emotional skills and spiritual skills to work through things like that. 

I love you kids. I love you all so much. Remember how much a mother's love means, especially when you have your own children. Everything I do - I do it for you... just like my mom did for me. I love thinking about that. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

At Kalea's House With Twins

 Dear Kids, 

I haven't had a chance to write about my experience with going to Kalea's house to help with her twins. 

I was really worried before getting there that I would have enough energy for it all. I have been struggling, my body is going through lots of changes, and I was worried. But as soon as I got there, I was able to give my whole heart and soul to being there. 

I was able to be up with the babies night after night so Kalea could sleep a little bit. 

I was able to make weeks worth of food for them in their freezer. 

I was able to put together a schedule for Kalea to help her feel more organized in her head. 

I was able to deep clean their kitchen and deep clean their master bedroom. 

I was able to have really good Aunt Andi time with her kids (that I really enjoyed by the way, that was fun - usually Aunt time is surrounded by cousins, it was nice to have the quality time to create bonds). 

The day before I left I was sitting down at the table having a late lunch and I just was praying to the Lord and thanking Him for my energy and ability while I was there. 

Then Mimi and Shayla were right there with me and they said, "we've been here helping you."

I just started bawling. It was beautiful. I really was able to get the work done of 3 people, and it was evident that they had been there to help. I am so grateful. I told Kalea that too, and she just started crying, she told me, "I've been wanting to feel them more and I haven't been able to. I am so glad you told me."

Kids, ANYTIME you can do service IT IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME. I'm so glad I went and did that service for their family. It was worth it, everything I had to figure out in order to go and be there, it was worth it all. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Depressing Days & Choosing Trust

 Dear Kids, 

I want you to know, as you become adults with children and all the heavy things of life hit you... that you will have some days when you just feel depressed. 

I have had several of those days. I'm feeling super antsy about leaving and getting our own space, and here we still are. I've looked and looked and looked for houses, and every time we think we find one that we like, there is something about it when we get there that doesn't work. Like last night we had two homes that we thought would be amazing options - but the first one had a bunch of dogs on the property with the owners dog breeding business (that they didn't mention in the ad) and the second one didn't have a place for a kitchen table (that you couldn't see from the picture on the ad). Every time we have seen something, there has been something weird or that just wouldn't work. 

Needless to say, after looking and doing so much work to try and find the right place, I feel a little bit like the Lord has abandoned us in this quest. My mind knows He hasn't - because EVERY time when the answers come, there is a reason for His timing (EVERY TIME)... but in the middle of a day when it feels depressing, it is easy for my heart to forget that. 

Today is one of those days. 

I woke up today and just kept saying, "I can do another day. I've got this. Lord I will praise you again for one more day." So many times I have to just hyper focus in on THE DAY and I can't bring myself to think about the day after and the day after that or it just gets to be too much. I have to just focus on THE NOW. That is a very important spiritual skill that you will need to develop, and I hope you will develop it sooner than later. Because the more life you experience and the hard things you go through, the more you will need that skill. 

Just one more day. I can do one more day. That is my thought process a lot of times. Especially on days like today. 

Kids, life throws you curve balls. A LOT. There are so many things that don't end up like you plan. And please know and understand that is part of life. You will each experience that in your own unique way. And sometimes those curve balls are exciting and adventurous, and other times they are depressing and hard. 

The Lord HASN'T abandoned us. I want you to know that I know that. AND on days like today when it's difficult to remember that, I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why this is taking so long. I choose to trust. 

You can either choose to trust God. Or you can choose to become angry and bitter. 

I choose to trust and live by faith. And IT'S HARD SPIRITUAL WORK to choose to live this way. 

But it's worth it. Every time. 

I love you kids, We'll figure this out. 

Your mom

(picture of us doing service and making shoeboxes for "Operation Christmas Child" - we did this around Thanksgiving time, so the picture is a little out of place, but I wanted to include a service picture because it HELPS to SERVE when you are feeling depressed! SERVE and get out of yourself, and you will be amazed how it helps.)

Still At Krista's

 Dear Kids, 

Once again there is much to write about and not much all at the same time. 

We are still at Krista's house. In the basement. 

You've started homeschooling, We went to the planetarium today... that was fun. 

We are just barely able to turn in paperwork to see about being approved for a house today. We'll see what that equals. 

You are all ready to not be living in a basement and have our own home. 

I'M READY FOR THAT TOO. Wow... I was really in my head about it all today after getting off the phone with the mortgage guy. I have major emotions attached to all this financial stuff and finally wanting to see if we can get our own home. I majorly emotionally ate after talking to him. 

I want our own home. I want our own space. I don't know what is going to happen. 

The Lord is burning out of me all of my pride, that is for sure. 

I threw a little bit of a fit moving here. I have been hard-hearted about it for about a month and I haven't had NEARLY the kind of revelation as I have had this whole last year. And it's because I haven't been as close to the spirit. I've been complaining. I've been negative... all the things that will drive the spirit away. As I have softened my heart the spirit is returning some more, and I'm starting to be ready to accept the Lord's will with whatever needs to happen and where we need to live. 

Good things about being at Krista's for a little bit: saving money... even if we aren't approved to buy a house, we will be starting on the journey of figuring it out and we've need a kick to do that for a long time... we'll be so grateful for our own space when we get it. 

I'm depressed about it. I don't want to get my hopes up. But I want our own home so badly. So badly. And I am working on just giving it to the Lord on how that will eventually come to pass. Sometimes it's easier to avoid fixing our credit so I don't have to think about the pain it is to get everything repaired, but it's time to make sure that we are back on track with all those things. We've been on quite the financial journey through our whole marriage and it's still not over, I'm hoping it will be soon enough. 

Patience and learning from all of our mistakes. 

I hope kids that you can learn from our mistakes. I hope you decide to do that. I don't want to pass all this financial trauma onto you. I'm doing my best, I promise. And if you find out that we've passed unhealthy things onto you, just know we did our best and you can take our best and make it better for your own life and for the life of your future families. 

I love you, 

Your mom

The Waiting Place & Wait Upon The Lord

 Dear Kids, 

The last little while I feel like I've been in, what Dr. Seuss called, "The Waiting Place". 

We are just waiting. Waiting to find a house. Waiting to get settled. Waiting to see your dad. Waiting to see how the podcast does. Waiting to get going on where we will be doing homeschool activities. Waiting to find where we can do classes again. 

Just a lot of waiting. 

And I've discovered that it's a really hard place for my mind and heart to be in! I am an action person. I always have been. I don't like waiting to see where we are going to be. I want to know! The Lord is always teaching me more and more how to be confident in the moment when I don't even see where we are going to be living.... To have confidence in Him that He is working everything out for our benefit, even when we don't really see what that means. 

You are all asking me everyday if we found a house yet. And everyday I have to give you the same answer. Everyday you are curious and I've gotten frustrated with all the questions again and again because I don't have answers to give you. All I can say is, "We haven't found one yet. We have to still be praying for help." That is the best I can do. 

That has been difficult for you as well. 

I think one purpose of this waiting place is so we can be with dad a little longer. I think he likes it when we are here so he isn't alone. But it's also getting to the point where we need to get our own space. I have a hard time without my own place to settle into. 

Another purpose is for me to be really grateful and understand the pioneers who moved from place to place. I have a lot of empathy for those women who moved from area to area over and over again and established a home again and again. I have a lot of empathy for them. 

Another purpose is for me to learn to lean into the "unknowing" and build the muscle of just knowing that God is taking care of it in His own due time. That is not a bad thing for me to learn. And I keep learning it over and over and over again in my life. It's a constant lesson. AND every time I can look in hindsight and see that He knew where we needed to be. So in this place of just waiting, I have to pull those evidences off my spiritual bookshelf and look at them again so I can have faith in the NOW that things are working out for the best. 

I love you kids. I know this will be something that you will deal with in your lifetimes. It's one of life's many lessons. So I want you to know that I have had my own moments of difficulty, but I have ALWAYS turned to the Lord inside of it. I hope you will too. Lean into your faith and wait upon the Lord. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

We Launched The Podcast Project!

 Dear Kids, 

We LAUNCHED the podcast! yay! I'm so grateful! It feels SO GOOD to be complete and get it out there for people to learn from. 

Your dad spent the last couple of days listening to the lessons again and he said to me, "I'm pretty amazed at what the Lord did through us!" and it's totally true. I look at everything that we were able to put together and do, and there is NO DOUBT that the Lord directed this project completely. I'm also amazed at it. I think back about when we were able to look at it and put it together. I am personally amazed at it. We've already had some great feedback about the podcasts and the lessons. I'm SO GRATEFUL to have it off our shoulders. 

It has felt like a mission call. The whole thing has felt like a mission call. We were on a mission helping Papa and Mimi while she was passing away and getting their house pulled together. Then we were on a mission for finishing up the podcast project. And now it's done. 

BUT, your dad and I haven't felt a "release" from the mission yet. So I'm not sure what the means. I have felt a "relief" at finished up the biggest parts of the project... but the Lord has more in mind for us. And I have NO IDEA what it is or what it is going to equal. All I know is that we have to keep following what the Lord would have us do. 

Brent went down to St. George to pick up the van that we found - which was another miracle from Heavenly Father. Merrell (Dad's friend) found a van in California and wanted to help carry it for us so he could earn some interest in his money. And it's going to help our credit all at the same time. Anyway, he went down to pick it up then he's going to go to SLC to work for a week and find a house for us to move into down there. 

Two weeks ago when we were deciding about where we needed to go next as a family, on the same day your dad and I BOTH got a couple impressions about needing to be in SLC. The spirit very specifically told us, "you need to go where you will be more available for teaching." Your dad had the same impression. Then Papa confirmed our impression when that night he told us that we need to go where the headquarters on the church were in order to really start to get on the road to fulfilling promises in our patriarchal blessings. That's part of why we still feel the mission call I think, is because we GAVE OUR LIVES to the Lord and what He would have us do and with that, He's been taking us on this journey. 

So - here we go. We are looking for houses and we will see what the Lord opens up. Waiting upon the Lord is NOT for the faint of heart! That's for sure! It's a spiritual muscle to be developed. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Papa, Gathering Without Mimi & Shay, Wanting Home

 Dear Kids, 

I have had a lot of emotions coming back to Papa's house. it's weird to call it Papa's house - without the Mimi involved. 

When we got here, Papa was in quite a depression. Since being here I think we've helped him with his energy and getting out of himself a bit more. Living alone is hard. It's lonely. People need people and Papa needed some energy in the house. 

He told me that he is going to be moving and selling this house. It won't happen for several months he doesn't think but he knows it's coming and it's on the horizon. I don't blame him. It is a big yard, and it's a lot to take care of. There are so many memories that are painful for him here. Having the family reunion all together was wonderful and painful missing Mimi and Shayla. It was hard in a lot of ways. It was hard hearing Autumn and Summer call Alisha "mom". - Not that they shouldn't. Because they absolutely should. But it's hard. It's weird. It's a big adjustment. 

It's hard being at Heise all together but without mom and without Shayla's family there. It's a reminder that we aren't complete without each other. And on the other side of the coin, it's a reminder of how much we love each other and that we can't be complete without each other. It's a reminder of the beauty of our covenants and that they really do complete us. 

When Papa moves it is going to be like losing Mimi all over again. I've always had a "home". And when he moves, I won't have it anymore. It's always been your second home. It's always been the constant for us, even when we've been moving around. It makes me REALLY want to have a constant in my life - we need our own home. And I want it so badly. I want our own home so badly. I have to believe that the Lord is preparing it for us. I have to keep that hope alive. 

I have loved traveling - but settling back down into another rental home has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I don't want to rent anymore - I want to have a place. And just finding another rental home is a little bit of a nail in my heart. I just have to keep giving it to the Lord and believe that He is going to help us. 

I love you kids. I know that there have been so many things in this journey that have been hard for all of you. But it's been good as well. You need uncomfortable things in order to expand your soul. You need to have things that push your boundaries so you know you can handle it and you know you can do it. Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to have us grow. And I know all of you have been growing emotionally a lot. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Moving To SLC Area

 Dear Kids, 

We talked with all of you on Sunday during our Palmer Family Council about moving to Northern Utah. Dad told you how we've been having impressions from the spirit about it and how much the Lord has pushed us to go. And you are all amazing! You listened and then Talia said, "Well, if the Lord is telling us to go then I know we should go, no matter how hard it might be to leave everyone. He led us here to be with Mimi before she passed away, so there is a good purpose for needing to move."

All the boys agreed - you all had such willing hearts to listen to the Lord and listen to the spirit and believe that your dad and I have had those very important impressions. I'm so grateful for all of you for that! You are all so faithful and good. I hope you know that your dad and I have CONFIDENCE in you. 

We are still looking for where it is that we need to be in the Northern Utah area. We have fasted about it and prayed about it a lot. We know that you are all reaching really tender ages, especially Talia and Gabe. There are going to be influences where we move that are going to be really important for you, and I know the Lord has a place in mind where it is going to be of benefit to our family, especially you guys. I also know that we get to be a blessing to the people wherever we go. I feel people praying us to them. And I didn't expect it to be Northern Utah - but I FEEL it. 

I don't know all the reasons for why the Lord does what He does. But I trust Him. That I do know. I trust Him and His help and His timing. We have so many evidences in our lives of when He has helped us that we get to be faithful in waiting upon Him of where we need to move to next. 

I know we will look back on all of this as a huge turning point in our lives and I'm grateful to go through the growing pains of it all. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

It's Been A Busy Month

 Dear Kids, 

wow - the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind! We got back from Mexico - spent about 5 days in St. George staying with Shirlyn. We were able to hang out with friends in Diamond Valley. Gabe was able to go to baptisms for the dead at Cedar City with a group from Diamond (I LOVE DIAMOND VALLEY! I want to live there). Talia was able to help with Ella's birthday party while we were there (Ella waited until Talia got back from Mexico so she would be there, isn't that sweet?). We were able to see Mesha and Jeff and their boys. 

Then Mesha and Jeff helped us out a ton by letting us use the Durango until we are able to find a van. We are still figuring out the pieces to put together with that. We drove up to Idaho and had a pit stop in SLC. We stayed with Krista and helped Nana move out of her place to go to a facility in Tooele where Dani is living. We picked up Ginger-dog. Everyone has missed her like crazy! 

Then we headed up to Idaho for the family reunion up here. We got here Thursday night. Friday morning Mesha, Kalea and I went through all of mom's stuff from her bedroom (clothing, bathroom stuff, decorations, drawers, shoes, closet, etc.). It was DRAINING to say the least. Man - it was hard - especially since it is something that we just barely did with Shayla's stuff not even a year ago. It took us all day to go through it. We were talking about how it is going to take us a week to go through everything in the house with the herb room, her heirloom things, Christmas decorations, etc. Papa wants to keep some things, but he wants to pass on a lot of her things to us right now. I'll write more about my feelings about the process in another post since this is a just a travel log ;-). 

Then Friday night we went to the Chukars baseball game. The kids LOVE that tradition - but it might be our last year doing it! That is so sad to me :-(. I told Papa that he is going to have to just get a booth every year because it is just so fun and everyone loves it so much. Everyone was able to come - even Casey and his new wife Alisha came to the game with the kids. I was really happy about that. 

Then Saturday we had breakfast at the airbnb with Jonathan and Denise, and then we went up to Heise for the day and the kids HAD A BLAST. I love Heise so much - it brought back so many memories of growing up and how much we went up there. It is a haven. I definitely want the kids to keep going back there in order to make more memories there together. They just swam and played all day. We also sang papa Happy Birthday because it was his birthday that day! We got him cake and gave him some book collections that he lost in the flood they had at the house a couple years ago. 

Then Papa had me and your dad give talks in church, so we shared several things from the trip and our testimonies about it all. It was short notice, but we spoke about what the Lord would have us share. 

It was hard to gather all together with the reality of new dynamics since Shayla and Mom passed away. It was wonderful and really hard all at the same time. 

We've had a BUSY month. In one month we traveled to Merida, Bacalar, Chichen-Itza, more ruins in Mexico, finished up packing to leave Mexico - got everything wrapped up there, we flew back to the states, stayed in Vegas, went to St. George, went to SLC and came to Idaho. 

It's been a whirlwind. We still are figuring out getting another van, the next job for your dad and settling into another house and what that needs to look like. I can't believe how much has happened. And how much has yet to happen. We've been publishing the podcasts for people and we've had lots of friends already say how grateful they are for the podcasts. We'll see what the Lord does with that project and how He will use it for His work. 

I know it's been a whirlwind for all of you was well. Yesterday was the first "quiet" day that we've had and all of you were decompressing like crazy. Playing lego's, going back and forth from outside, you were just enjoying hanging out without anything to do or places to go or screens to be on. 

I love you so much kids. I know part of the reason we've been on this journey is because of the things you are learning from it as well and only time will tell how you choose to use it for your benefit. 

I LOVE YOU, 

Your Mom

Feelings On This 4th Of July

 Dear Kids, 

Yesterday was the 4th of July. We've only been back in the country for a few days. This year I'm SO GRATEFUL for the feelings of gratitude and patriotism that the Lord has given to my heart. 

The last several years I have been VERY cynical and negative in my heart when the 4th of July has come around. I LOVE MY COUNTRY so much. I love the Constitution. I love the Founding Fathers. I love what they did and the sacrifices they went through for their future generations. And it's been hard to see how much we've been screwing it up with all the agendas that are NOT freedom based. I've been REALLY depressed about the direction that our country has gone, so liberal and away from God. 

But when we landed in Florida on the way home, both your dad and I had the overwhelming flood of emotions of coming back to America. This is STILL the promised land of the Lord. This is STILL where the base of His Gospel is. This land is STILL where there is so much promise for the future of the entire world. America is NOT BAD. The governments of our day have been misrepresenting what America was set up to be for the world - a beacon of hope. 

I have felt patriotism unlike anything I've been able to feel for a very long time after being away. My emotions have been so close to the surface about everything in my life - and this is no different. We are SO BLESSED. There are so many things that show how blessed we have been and how much the Lord has been helping this country to succeed. Freedom is HOW the gospel is spread. The cause of freedom is the cause of Christ and His gospel. Without freedom, the gospel will not be able to get to the people who need it. As long as people have the gospel, then the world will continue to elevate. Promoting the cause of freedom is promoting the cause of Christ. 

I'm SO GRATEFUL for this country. When we were watching fireworks last night I just was flooded with emotions of gratitude and amazement that I have the chance to be here. I wrote on a facebook post these feelings and they are so accurate:

"Independence Day.

This day means more to me than I can write in a little Facebook post. My heart loves my country and the Founding Fathers who gave their lives so my children could know freedom.

The word freedom means very different things in our day and age. But I will confidently and boldly stand up for the Constitution of the United States and testify it was and still is an inspired document. I know the Lord loves this Land of promise and He aches for us to turn to Him. I am forever amazed I came at this time of the world's history, this place and to my family.

I hope everyone has an amazing Independence Day and remember to get down on your knees to recognize the Being whom true freedom always comes from. Let the celebration begin!"

 I love you kids, so much. I hope you have the seed of freedom in your hearts and to promote the cause of Christ within upholding the Constitution of the United States of America. 

I love you, 

 

Your Mom 

Things I Don't Want To Forget About Coming Home

 Dear Kids, 

We've been stateside for almost three days now and I can't believe how much my soul has missed being home. I know you all feel the same way! I want to write down some things that I'm so grateful for while it's potent in my mind - because eventually it will just become "regular life" again and I don't want to forget to write. 

-I feel so much the same as after I got home from my mission. My mind was so expanded to how blessed we are here in America. And it's NOT BY CHANCE. We did not become this blessed just "because" there is a reason. It is because of the amazing way the Founding Fathers set up this country for the WHOLE WORLD to succeed. Anyone who has done any kind of major study of the USA understands the miracle that it has been for the world. NEVER FORGET it. So many in the media right now want to paint the USA constitution and form of government as wrong. IT IS NOT. It is INSPIRED OF GOD. 

-The bathrooms ALL WORK! Wow - everywhere we go. The toilets flush so well. There's always toilet paper and toilet seats. They are clean. The bathroom stalls are SO BIG, I can turn all the way around in them. AND I can drop by ANYWHERE to use the bathroom for FREE! There won't be anyone who will be mean to me just because I ask if I can use their bathroom! The toilets flush so fast and efficiently!

-Customer service is a GREAT THING! The waitress at Denny's where we went to breakfast was so nice to us! The lady at Walmart was so kind! It's amazing how nice people are here.

-The streets are so big. The cars are so quiet. There aren't any potholes. There aren't any speed bumps. People actually obey the traffic laws. 

-The sidewalks are so clean. There isn't a bunch of litter everywhere you look. People actually use trash cans!

-I missed "my people". When Katie picked us up, it was so good to see her and feel her heart. When I saw Shirlyn again it was so wonderful to hug her so tight. I missed my family! Mesha cried when she saw me again. I missed everyone so much! I have an amazing community of people who love me and care about me and help me to succeed in every way in my life. 

-People aren't stingy about their napkins! In Mexico they never gave us napkins and when they did it was one or two really small napkins. When you ask for a napkin here, people actually give you a whole stack! And they are thick amazing napkins!

-It's so quiet. The streets are so quiet. There aren't loud motorcycles and cars and old beat up things all over every corner. 

-Especially getting back to Utah - I don't feel like I have to keep my guard up all the time. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel "unsafe" in Mexico. The people were good and kind. But there was an element of "street guard" that you just have to have on all the time. It is the same feeling that I have whenever I go to a big city in the USA as well. You have just to be on your guard. But here in ST. George - we don't have to do that. I don't have to be on my guard everywhere I go. 

-There are evidences all over the place of how amazingly the GOSPEL LIFTS PEOPLE. When I travel to places where the gospel is very new, it is so evident how much the people need the gospel. When I go to places where the gospel has been there for generations, it is evident in the way the people ARE. In the way that we live. In the way that we interact with each other. In the light in the eyes of the people around us. The GOSPEL of JESUS CHRIST is the answer to all the worlds problems! Because it changes people, in their hearts. 

I LOVE AMERICA. Kids - remember that YOUR MOM LOVES AMERICA! SO MUCH! 

We had an amazing time in Mexico - and we learned so much. BUT THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Chichen-Itza Wonders Of The World Bucket List & Cenotes

 Dear Kids, 

While on our trip to Merida, we were able to go to some COOL Cenotes around Valladolid, and also visit CHICHEN-ITZA! Wonders of the world bucket list got some checks in it! Yahoo!

The Cenotes were a perfect break while on the road. It was a four hour road trip, and they were right in the middle. You all LOVED it. The water was super mineral heavy and we had to wear life jackets, but it was so cool. Juan Lopez, our friend, was with us and he had a blast with the kids! He is like an uncle figure actually. 

then on the way back from Merida we were able to go to Chichen-Itza! 

A few things I learned while on this road trip:

-Teenage broodiness does not go away just because you are in a magical place. hahaha!

-Go to amazing places ANYWAY, even with the complaints of "why are we here", because it's like a symphony concert - they learn culture by being IN culture. 

-Complaints will abound from kids that don't care. Give them access to take pictures on their own (with device or camera), and that will help to keep their minds and hands busy when they don't care about the lecture from the tour guide. 

-Tour guides are worth it for adults. Unless you have an old soul super interested in old stuff (like Gabe) the other kids won't care about what the tour guide says. 

-Give all the kids $5 to spend on their own, then they bargain on their own for what they want. 

-When you can go to someplace like a Cenote - GO. Make every effort. It's so cool. 

-Make sure the go-pro is working BEFORE you leave. 

-Eating pizza in the car so you can make it to your destination on time is WORTH the mess!

-Taking a friend like Juan is WORTH the cramped car!

-Telling really good road trip stories helps while getting through the jungle. 

-Finding a place that has kid friendly food sometimes isn't worth it. Just go wherever and they can have chicken anywhere you go. 

-Expect rules about covid and things of the like to be different everywhere you go. Be flexible so you don't cause a scene. 

-PREPARE your kids psychologically for when you will be at the ruins. Tell them that even if they don't like it, to please be kind because they love YOU. We go places that people in our family WANT to go to, even if we don't, because we love each other. We didn't prepare them well enough for that, and just expected them to emotionally be okay - we should have prepared them more. 

-Take hats and water everywhere you go. 

-Take BUG SPRAY.

All in all, I'm SO GLAD that we went to all these sites. Chichen-Itza was seriously AMAZING. It was absolutely a holy place at one point. The way it was survived for so many years is phenomenal. This land is FULL of Nephite and Lamanite history - you can just feel it in your bones. The sound reverberation off the structure was SO COOL. Our tour guide references King Benjamin's tour and told us they could have used the same type of structure and technology in order to be able to have his voice carried to everyone. The tour guide also showed us a lot of the art on the walls that depicted a "white God" coming from the sky. He told how the people told that story for generations and when the Spanish came, they thought it was the "White God" coming again. So many convincing parallels involved. Gabe was EATING IT UP. He's my old soul that loves stuff like that. There was also the warrior temple with thousands of pillars that were all dedicated to a warrior. The tour guide speculated that it could be about the 2,000 stripling warriors, or a tradition of creating columns for warriors like them. 

I love you kids. We'll keep going to cultural things and experiences no matter where we are and no matter what it equals. If it equals a symphony concert - we'll go. If it equals ruins - we'll go. If it equals cenotes - we'll go. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Going To The Merida Yucatan Temple

 Dear Kids,

We were able to visit the Merida Temple! Talia did baptisms for the dead for the FIRST time in Mexico! That will hopefully be a memory that she will remember for a long time. 

We got to the temple early in the morning together with our friend Juan Lopez. We brought him with us so he could go to a session as well. He hadn't been since Covid. I told Brent it was okay if I didn't do a session before we brought the kids for baptisms, but he pushed for me to go. I'm SO GLAD I did! 

I didn't realize how much I NEEDED to go to the temple - and to have some reminders that ONLY going to a temple OUTSIDE of the country would give me. As soon as we walked in to get dressed before the session my heart just settled. I couldn't believe how much I had missed the temple. It's amazing because NO MATTER what temple you go to, no matter where it is in the world - the feeling is ALL the same. Protective, powerful, peaceful.

And the people in the temple, they are also all the same no matter what language they are speaking. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I just started to cry. The ladies that were helping me, I knew their hearts. Their goodness and their strength. The gospel in it's fullness produces people that are AMAZING. There is A LOT of negative press right now in the media, a lot of negative shows about the church and the history of the church. And granted, I've had my own questions and struggles as well. 

BUT - BY THEIR FRUITS yes shall know them. And the fruits of the people living the gospel all over the world is AMAZING. The type of people the gospel produces, when they choose to really live it, are AMAZING. I was hit by that feeling SO STRONGLY while in the temple. I just cried and cried about it. 

The other thing that was so overwhelming for me was that the world needs more and more temples in order to really lift the people everywhere in the world. While in Utah and Idaho we've had the blessings of the temple for so long, we've forgotten what their presence has actually done for us as a people. In a talk by Elder Bednar he talked about how there needs to be thousands of temples. I BELIEVE that is true. There is SO MUCH work to be done in order to LIFT the whole earth. I had this feeling about how, I don't know how much longer it's going to be until Jesus comes back - but it might be a while longer in order to build more and more temples. It's necessary. This is the gospel for the entire earth. I don't envy the brethren their job of trying to keep everything in the kingdom running while "the beast controls the land". 

The beast does control the land - make no mistake about it. Socialism and Communism are sweeping the earth, the governments of the world are really corrupt. But the work goes on. 

AND - after the session in the temple we went back and took Gabe and Talia back to do baptisms for the dead. It was so cool! My only regret is that we didn't take the time for them to bring family names. I thought because we were in Mexico that the names they would have baptized would be from Mexico - but they actually weren't. They were from all over the world. I wanted them to baptize people from Mexico to feel those spirits from the land where we have been, but it didn't happen. Because of that, I wish I was better prepared with family names. 

But even with that said, it was a wonderful experience. Talia went first and baptized 15 people. When she came out of the water, she was just GLOWING. She said to me, "Does that mean that 15 people entered the kingdom of God because I did their work for them?". I said, "YES! And if they didn't, then Mimi and Shayla are going to go find them and be their missionaries since you made it possible for them!."

Then I told her about my memories of Mimi in the temple when we would go with youth groups. She would just be hustling around, bustling to make sure that everyone was taken care of. She was SUCH AN AMAZING Young Women's leader. It was wonderful to watch her do her magic with the youth. Everyone felt special to her. She was so good at giving compliments and making everyone feel like THEY were the most important person in the world. I talked to Talia about those memories and told her how much Mimi LOVES temple work. 

I got emotional thinking about how Mimi would always give me names. We had a deal when she couldn't go to the temple anymore that she would get the names ready, and I would get the work done. Now I am going to have to take the time to actually find the names myself!

Gabe, you were so sweet being there as well. You were so reverent and said a really long prayer by yourself on the other side of the room. Your heart was so full being there in the temple and you were so excited to be there and feel everything there. You are such an old soul. 

I love you kids! It was worth every sacrifice to make sure that you were able to be at the temple. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Bacalar & Swimming To The Tree Of Life

 Dear Kids, 

Bacalar was AMAZING! We stayed the night in Chetumal and then spent the day in Bacalar. It is a lagoon with very special rocks and bacteria that produce 3x as much oxygen as the trees! It keeps the water crystal clear and just amazingly beautiful. 

We got there and took a boat ride around the lagoon. We decided to get a private boat ride and I'm SO glad we decided to spend the extra money to do that. It was so much better to just let the kids roam and experience everything without trying to make sure to work around other people. And you all loved it so much!

We went and saw several cenotes and the beauties of the area. Then after the boat ride we went to another private mini lagoon that was south a bit, a spot that the locals go to. It was amazing! When we got there we decided that we wanted to swim all the way to the other side. So everyone together kept swimming. We saw a mangrove tree that was on the other side and Talia started calling it "the tree of life". And the last one there was going to be a 'rotten Lamanite'. It was hilarious. We made it to the other side and everyone looked behind them and was amazed at how far they had come. It was a long swim, but slowly and surely we were able to make it across. 

That is how life is too. We see a goal and we know we want to get there, but then it takes a lot longer to get there than we every really realized it would. In the middle of trying to reach our goal it's easy to want to try and give up. But then you get into a rhythm and before you know it, you make it across to your goal. And then you look back and see how far you have come. I love it so much, how many experiences in life can teach us many life lessons. 

We swam back and enjoyed the Lagoon a little while longer before it was time to leave. 

It was a beautiful place. I am amazed at how many amazingly beautiful places there are in the world. So many! The Lord created this earth and beautified it in phenomenal ways - all for our enjoyment! It's amazing! I hope you can look back and really appreciate how wonderful it was to be able to have all these experiences while we were traveling in Mexico. 

I love you kids. I love your souls. I love your goodness. I love everything about you. Thank you for teaching me all the time. 

I love you ,

Your Mom

Joshua and Behavior and Differences In Life

 Dear Kids, 

I want to tell you about Joshua in this entry. He's been going through a lot of changes right now. While we've been in Mexico, he's DEFINITELY found his will of spirit. 

He has a very different five year old childhood than you had. When Gabe was five years old, he had two younger siblings. We were going to the park everyday, we had a VERY specific schedule and way of doing things. When Talia was five years old, she had an older brother and a younger brother. She was discovering her ability to do so many of her talents. We were still going to the park everyday. We were involved more in the homeschooling world at that point and had more on our schedule. We didn't have iPads in our lives when Talia was five. When Elijah was five years old, he had two older siblings who were always telling him what to do and he had a little brother who wanted to be around him all the time. As the middle child, Elijah had his own set of interesting things to figure out. 

Now with Joshua being the youngest, at five years old, he has hardly gone to parks, he's been traveling around the world with his family, he has had to be around a different language, he's already quite ahead in math and reading... but he doesn't have the simplicity that you guys had. I realize the other day that he had never listened to Scripture Scouts! We had to fix that, we got them downloaded on my phone and now he's listening at night. He doesn't have an early bedtime like all of you had, he goes to get when you guys go to bed. He doesn't have the same kind of consistency as all of you had. 

I think because of that he has been having an emotionally hard time. He's figuring out his independence and where he fits in the world. Elijah, you have been antagonizing him LIKE CRAZY, which hasn't been fun for anyone. 

But, I wanted to just point out how different everyone's lives are and HOW MUCH you have all experienced in your lives. You have had SUCH A GOOD CHILDHOOD. 

We love you guys, your dad and I love you so much, 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Things I Want to Remember when Traveling With a Family

 Dear Kids, 

I want to write about the things I've observed and learned from WATCHING YOU while we've been here. I want to remember some of these things for future times we travel and for when people ask about how it is traveling with a family.

-I didn't give enough credit to how difficult the language barrier would be for everyone. Because I've learned a language before, I just didn't give much thought to how trying to learn a language would AFFECT YOU. I thought you would pick things up through "osmosis" and by being around it. And, no doubt you've picked up lots of things, but I didn't give enough credit to how much BETTER it would have been to have some formal language training BEFORE we came. We are just barely getting to the point where we are understanding the language more, and we've worked on it hard. But part of the problem is that NONE of us had a base except for dad. I didn't realize how VALUABLE having a BASE in the language would be BEFORE getting here. I would definitely advise anyone to get their kids a base of the language before getting "on the ground". 

-I knew we would be homesick, but I didn't have any idea how much homesickness would be a factor. I do think a big reason for this is that for 3 months we haven't done any "exploring" while we were working on the podcasts. That has caused the kids to be a little bit more "bored" and being in an apartment and with limited things to do, especially outside exploring, that has caused the kids to wish that they had other people around them to be with. We got into a groove of our everyday routine, and the kids just got bored with it and it really culminated in a lot of homesickness. I'm actually really glad that the kids have had the chance to understand what homesickness really includes, because it's an important awareness to have, I was just unprepared for what an emotional toll it would take on the kids, and then on me as a result, in order to keep their mental and emotional health in tact. 

-I think with that in mind, Brent and I have talked several times that THREE months in any place that we want to travel and really experience would be the PERFECT amount of time. It would give time to explore and see things without being frantic about "seeing the sites" for 2 weeks and then rushing through a "vacation". Three months of travel in a place is the perfect amount of time. And in the future, we won't have a project like the podcasts we'll be working on, and when we're out exploring, homesickness isn't really a factor because of adventuring. 

-I wasn't prepared for how much I would miss a car! If we are EVER going to be out of the country for a long time, I would ABSOLUTELY make sure our budget has a car factored in. Feeling "land locked" because of no transportation is a BIG DEAL, especially with a family and children. 

-I'm VERY GLAD for this experience NOT having a car. It was good for everyone to really know what it means to rely on public transportation and to rely on walking. 

-We didn't do enough research about the best way to handle banking out of the country. Just go with Schwab, every time, because of HOW much lower the costs are for transactions. We made about $150 worth of transaction mistakes with fees and stuff, which doesn't seem like a lot, but it adds up quick. And if we hadn't of caught it in time, then it would have been worse. Just use Schwab. 

-I didn't realize how much I wouldn't learn the language as fast as I wanted. I think because of the podcasts we aren't out and about as much as we normally would be and we're not involved as much in running around. I do think that's a factor, but in the end we speak English in our home and so we have to make up ways for the kids to practice, especially when they don't have friends they can talk to. I would in the future try to get them in an educational experience that would allow them to learn Spanish better, or whatever language it is that we want them to learn. We had a tutor come in (Vanesa) but it still just wasn't enough. Something else I would factor in is having a nanny come, a Spanish speaking nanny, simply for the EVERYDAY language practice. That would have been huge for learning the language, especially to FORCE me to converse. On the mission we were FORCED into situations where we HAD to communicate, but being here as a family, it isn't that way. Having a nanny would definitely force us to converse in Spanish more.

-Rachel Denning when we were first looking at traveling overseas for an extended period of time asked really good questions, "What are your goals? Why do you want to travel there?" She conversed with me about how it's SO MUCH MORE than just a vacation when you are LIVING overseas. there are so many more factors because you AREN'T going home soon, like on a vacation. Bringing your own books to read were HUGE. I wish we would have brought more books for the kids to use in their studies. Greg Denning, her husband, in a presentation one time said that actually, he said, "You can buy pretty much whatever you need when you get where you are going. But you can't buy books. My carry on luggage is always full of books."

-I would also add to that MEDICINE. Ibuprofen is SUPER expensive here. I think that's how it is in a lot of places. I would bring a big bottle of ibuprofen. Same thing with triple antibiotic ointment. It's SUPER expensive (like $15-$20 a tube). And good bandaids are hard to find. Antibiotics are EVERYWHERE, so that's easy to find. Also ESSENTIAL OILS are AMAZING for travel. The essential oils I used constantly, that I would bring SEVERAL bottles of each next time are: Frankincense (I used this all the time for inflammation, putting on kids throats, teeth issues, infection issues, etc.), Digestzen (I used this all the time! digestion issues over seas are a REAL THING that's for sure!), Helichrysum (for owies, bumps and bruises, used this A LOT), Tea Tree and Orange Oil for Skin care routine after shower (EVERY TIME I showered I would used these on my body. I know they helped me a ton), Peppermint roller for neck stuff, deep blue rub roller (for sore muscles and headaches and shoulder and back problems. We used this A LOT) Onguard (of course since this is a go-to for health), Breathe for asthma stuff and serenity for night time help. Those are definitely my TOP oils for traveling! They are compact and I would bring several bottles of each of these next time and then leave everything else. The other thing to have on hand is BENADRYL for kids and allergies that come up out of no where, as well as an inhaler for any breathing issues. 

-I LOVE my purse that I have for travel, but next time I would get the small backpack instead of the sling purse. Mainly for my shoulders and keeping my shoulders in balance, a backpack is better for that. 

-Piano practicing goals while overseas that the kids can practice at the church. I wish we had planned better for that. We could have brought songs that they already knew and they could keep up on, as well as practice books for scales and such. I would have liked for them to have a ONE SONG goal to learn while being away.

-Talia's ukulele SAVED us with music. I would bring that EVERY TIME. Music was a huge thing we have missed while being here and I'm so glad she brought that ukulele to practice and keep her music skills up. 

-I'm SO GLAD the kids learned "Peace in Christ" in Spanish to sing to the ward. I think ONE song to sing to people in THEIR language is a GREAT thing to add wherever we are. 

-I'm SO GLAD we brought the massager gun! That has been a HUGE help!

-It's been interesting to see how much the kids have needed predictability with QUALITY time with Brent and I while we've been here as well. We are always together as a family, but it's been super important to the kids to still have date nights all by themselves, as well as snuggle time at night. They have needed to know when we would pay attention to them individually FOR SURE. That as a part of the schedule is always very important. 

-I brought too many clothes. I could have cut it down by 1/2. I have used my really comfortable clothes a lot and my nicer clothes not so much. I would have brought TWO swimming suits instead of one. 

-I LOVE that we did the Mexico shirts! They have been a HUGE success with pictures and memories. 

-Making a rice heat pack with a sock is something we should have done THE FIRST WEEK that we were here. Brent finally made one the other day and it has been a huge help for neck stuff. 

-Next time I would plan better HOW to help the kids with their own blog and youtube videos while traveling. We brought a drone and everything in order to take some cool shots and video and we haven't done that at all. I would have planned better teaching them HOW to do those things BEFORE getting on the ground so that they were prepared with how to work with that technology. I think part of the issue has been that our mental energy has gone to the podcasts and we haven't had as much mental energy to help with projects like that, not as much as we originally wanted. 

-I'm REALLY glad that we've taken the time we have to teach the kids about street smarts. They are learning more and more about how important that is, and their observance of things around them is improving, as well as their ability to see someone who might be dangerous, and turn the other way and make sure to NOT put themselves in dangerous situations. 

-I'm so glad that we've had as much time with Brent as we have. It's been SO FUN to have him home full time and to take a break from work. I want to stay like that forever! It's on my wish list. 

-It has opened my eyes to traveling with Brent when we are older and the kids are out of the house. It's so cheap to travel as a couple! We could live overseas for NOTHING. 

-I LOVE how much this experience has opened up the kids eyes to other people and how they live. They have really started to recognize how blessed we really are with where we live. I'm really glad they are opening their minds and their eyes to all of our blessings. 

-I LOVE the exposure this has given all you kids with other areas of the world! The ocean! searching for seashells in the Caribbean! traveling around Cozumel in the Hulk car and having a blast! Seeing cenotes, seeing fish in the ocean, being on the ferry, going through air travel and what it's like on the plane, living in an apartment and not a house and understanding the difference, getting used to being the minority with language and skin color, using taxi's, using buses, ordering food in another language, seeing ruins, going to Tulum, going to Coba... they've had so many homeschooling experiences while we've been here! I love that!

-So glad we got Ipads for travel. Everyone has used them A LOT with school and travel. Also AUDIOBOOKS are a travel companion for children LIKE CRAZY. Talia finished Harry Potter series while we've been here, and Elijah is almost done! I wish we had more books for Gabe since he's a huge book reader, but he's been listening to "7 Habits of Successful People" while we've been here and that has been a GREAT book for him to dive into. 

We are so blessed! I love you kids, 

Your Mom