Christmas Miracles

Dear Kids,

Christmas miracles. That has been the theme for us this year.

Iddy-Biddy back story: In the last 6-9 months there have been some big IRS issues that have come up in our family under the old property management business that we lost and other past transactions with a business that was started and failed from about 10 years ago. We are working currently with a professional to help us with everything, but needless to say it has been tight and stressful. We have experienced a lot of up's and down's financially that have stretched us quite a bit. I say stretched us... I should say has been molding us and putting us through yet another strong "Refiner's Fire" experience.

I am sure it won't be our last "Refiner's Fire". But we have really felt the Lord "lifting our burden to make it light". It has been difficult, but completely worthwhile because of how the Lord is teaching us to be Spiritually Centered and rely on Him and His Son.

Anyway - back to Christmas miracles. We ended up having a decrease in pay with a few things your dad has been doing. Because of how extremely tight we are, going without the littlest bit of cash flow sets us back A LOT and it takes so much to catch back up again.

We have been planning very simple gifts for all of you this year. What I can sew, what we can make and then saving up a little bit of things here and there for a couple of small fun things.

Well, the miracles started happening a couple weeks ago. My neighbor has a blog that she receives things to do reviews on. This time she got a bunch of toys for girls - just perfect for Talia's age. She called me and asked me if I would like a few of these things she got. I was thinking she had a couple of small little things. Oh no, not small. She brought a big box of a bunch of toys that totally covers Talia's Christmas.

I felt like I could help with cash flow by doing some massages. I put it out there and within a week I have had so many appointments with about 3-4 more massages pending. Usually finding clientelle again takes some time... not this time!

Just last week we had someone drop off a couple of jars full of coins to help us. The kids were so excited to see these jars of coins on our doorstep! They thought it was from one of Santa's elves.

Then today some really good friends came and took me shopping (Brenda and Ken Kenworthy). She told me the spirit whispered to her that we needed some help and support. I just cried. They bought us a bunch of fun things for the boys. I was so touched that the Lord would answer our prayers through such an amazing and blessed friendship. She and her husband have no idea about the details of what we have been trying to get through with the IRS stuff.

Then tonight our Bishop showed up on our doorstep and gave us a very generous cash donation from the people in our neighborhood. It will help us to buy some updated shoes and nice clothes for all three of you! Immediately after he left and I opened the letter, my knees hit the floor and I just started sobbing.

I am just so grateful for the Lord showering us with love. It is such an amazing blessing to feel His support and help. We have been very quiet about everything going on... we are not the kind of people to say anything to really anyone! But the Lord knows. He has showed me that faith filled prayers are real, that what goes around comes around, that He hears and helps and guides and lifts.

I have been very alone through other "Refiner's Fire" experiences, but the Lord is showering us with love and help with this one. It has lifted my burden and helped so much. It feels so amazingly good to know that there are angels helping, the spirit is whispering and most importantly that the people in our lives have noticed.

Christmas miracles are real! This all has been such a testimony of listening to the whispers of the spirit... because those whispers are, I believe ALL THE TIME, answers to someone's prayers!

I love you,

Your Mom

Elijah update

Dear Elijah,

So we have been working on words with you. We got into a very bad habit of letting you communicate through grunts and other types of noises and now that you are 2 years old there is some language learning for you to catch up on.

You are getting better and better everyday. I am making you say the beginning sounds of words and making you talk to me more instead of your grunts. I feel bad because there is so much work I did with the other two that I haven't done nearly as much with you because of how much my time is dividing up. I need to read to you more and spend more time with just you.

I am working on that. I also understand why the third child is the party animal. Every friend who comes over to play with Talia or Gabe ends up wanting to play with you instead. Your brother and sister want to just climb all over you all the time. I like to see how much your personality is coming out with your sense of humor. You have a GREAT sense of humor and you are going to be an amazing athlete. Your coordination is already super high.

You want to be involved in everything that is going on. You are always wanting to make sure you are part of what is happening and you know very well if you are being left out of something. Your dad really loves to play with you.

We are starting to get your screaming under control. I feel bad because I know one reason why you screamed so much as a baby is because of how frustrated I felt with you often. Looking back there were so many ways that I was completely frazzled and unfortunately you got the brunt of it. But we are building our relationship more and more in the last few months and I feel better about our relationship than I have felt for a while.

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Natalia update

Dear Natalia,

You, my girl, are quite the little soul.

You are persistent, determined, imaginative and satisfied with playing with leaves and rocks everyday. It doesn't matter what I take away or give to you, stuff just doesn't matter to you at all. However, you are hugely motivated by hugs, loves, snuggles and kisses. You need physical love and attention like crazy.

Your mind is working a mile a minute. You are catching on really well to reading and you are already writing really well for your age. You are understanding social skills like second nature and everywhere you go, there is always a friend that you make. People love to be around you, kids love to follow you around.

You are always saying the nicest things like, "Oh mom, you are so cute." or "Oh mom, you are so beautiful and I love you so much." You are not afraid to show your emotions and share your feelings and thoughts. I think you give people compliments all the time.

You test my patience with your whines that is for sure! You have a squirrel voice and when you whine it is pretty hard to take. I am saying a lot, "I can't understand you when you talk that way." You switch it around. You are an antagonist for both of your brothers so you can have the upper hand all the time.

You are always moving around, you are always wanting to do something. You are a go getter. You love music and you hear music in everything that you do.

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Gabriel Update: Hug from Jesus

Dear Gabriel,

You are amazing to me. I feel like your learning has just jumped up quite a few notches. You are reading on a first grade reading level right now! You are still not confident in your own skills. There are many times when you are afraid to sound something out because you don't want to be wrong. But most of the time you figure out the word and it is perfect!

We are working on your writing. It is coming, more than anything we are reading everyday and you are still working on Rusty and Rosy to help supplement everything else. I have been very particular about who you are hanging out with. Your friends Jake and Jaren from the neighborhood haven't been great friends lately and have been bullying you quite a bit. The problem is that your reactions are so out of control a lot of the time. Which is why they tease you so much. They like to know that they have so much control over you and your emotions. So we have been pulling back from that and you have been playing with other people when we go to park dates and such.

You are so obedient. You are so helpful. I love that about you. You are very aware and very coordinated. You are saying things that are just fascinating to me. you are a HUGE feeler. Last night when I was tucking you in you started to cry and you said, "Mom, I really need a hug. I mean... not from you, but I really need a hug from Jesus." And you just cried. You wanted that hug from Jesus so much! I told you that you could pray for him to give you a hug and you told me that you had already prayed for it. "I already prayed for him to come to me to give me a hug but I haven't seen him yet and I really need a hug from him." So I tried to explain to you that sometimes the hugs we get from Jesus we feel in our hearts more than we see him with our eyes. You thought about that quite a bit and seemed satisfied for a little while with that answer.

You will think about that answer a lot and then you will come to me again with your thoughts about it. Because that is how you are. You are an intense boy when it comes to what you feel.

You are building legos like crazy. The stuff you are building is AMAZING. It is really advanced stuff. I think you have an amazing engineering mind. We shall see how it unfolds and what you show your natural desires and talents are. But they are starting to come out and I love seeing that!

I love you,

Your Mom

Rambles for Processing

Dear Kids,

So there are a lot of things that your dad and I have yet to learn. A HUGE one for our relationship is money. Communication about money. Dealing with money. Not procrastinating money. Being wise in our expenditures... there are so many ways that both of us are very weak in this category.

Unfortunately, we have yet to learn so many lessons because here we are at Christmas time again and we are in the same place we have been for the last 6 years. So it is time to look inward and see what is going on inside of our souls and habits that is causing this horrible pattern to happen again and again.

But the point of going into this is because I want to tell you about an experience that I had yesterday. A couple experiences actually. I mismanaged some things in my account and I overdrew us a couple of times and we received a 50$ fee for it. I tried to talk to the bank about taking even just one of the charges off, but they were unwilling to work with me. I was devastated, especially because we don't have an extra 50$ to give right now. We just don't have it. When I was pulling away from the bank after not getting help from their manager I just started hitting the steering wheel and then I screamed as loud as I could in the car.

The bad part about this is that Gabe and Elijah were in the car with me when this happened. It scared them terribly. Poor Gabe... he was so aware of my BIG emotions and he was very scared about what was going on. I know I made a huge dent in his memory bank with that reaction. I was so upset because of all the building pressure and problems with money, I had to get it out of my system and it just came sailing right out of me. We don't have a lot for Christmas and I hope that we are able to make it through the holidays with as stress free environment as we can.

The last night I sat down to sew Talia a shirt and I messed up the sleeve. When that happened I just started sobbing again. Here I am trying to make something for my daughter because I can't afford to go get her anything right now and I messed it up.

Needless to say I have had a lot of really big emotions lately. Really big. I have been crying and praying a lot. There are so many things in life that are interesting to learn. and we just have to do some work on the inside of our lives to figure out why we keep allowing this to happen.

I know part of my issue is that I have been pointing a lot of fingers. When in reality I need to take responsibility for my part in the whole picture. I have also been unsatisfied because of my expectations not being met. Learning how to "Come what may and love it" is a huge lesson for me. My expectations get me into a lot of trouble. It is a confusing road for me because I don't think I should lower my expectations to something horribly low, but if I keep them so high then I am disappointed when things don't happen in my time frame.

There are so many dreams and things that your dad and have talked about and want for our lives, but getting there has been a hugely rocky road for us. I feel like there is so much talk, when in reality there must be more action involved in order for things to happen. I want to be optimistic, but I want to live my life happy and not stressed out everyday. The hardest part of it all is that I have had no one to process with it all but the Lord. The big details in our lives only the Lord knows about... which I do think is appropriate at this point.

It has come down to just living everyday very much in the present. If I think too far in the future then I get stuck and I get impatient. If I think about the past then I get fearful that it will be like this forever. I have to just stay in the present moment all the time. I have to be present and not try to worry too much about what is going on around me. I know I should be journaling more of the day to day experiences that I have and sometimes it is impossible to capture the emotion of what I feel  and try to really portray what it all looks like and means to me.

Most of all, I hope that I can help to break this pattern for my kids. I hope that I didn't cause too much trauma for Gabe! I will explain it to you if you ask me and do my best to help you know how I feel in a more healthy way.

I love you guy,

Your Mom

That Mom

Dear Kids,

So we went out of town this weekend to a family member's wedding. While we were traveling there were several times when I realized that my kids looked really crazy, and not just my kids, but me too! You know... crazy hair, crazy clothes, dirty faces, stains on clothing, obviously funny hygiene from traveling. But the thing that really got me is that when I noticed it... I really DIDN'T CARE.

Ha! I have become "That Mom".

I remember looking at "That Mom" some time ago before I knew any better. I remember seeing kids with faces that were dirty, clothes with stains that had been there all day, mix-matched outfits, unkempt hair... or a mom with a crazy bun on the top of her head with various colors of who-knows-what on her clothing and a pair of mix-matched socks...and I swore I would never be "That Mom".

You see, I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she was lazy. I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she just didn't care about teaching her children about personal hygiene. I assumed that being "That Mom" meant that she was part of a lower class of people somehow.

Man. I had no idea.

My assumptions about "That Mom" have changed a lot over the years. I now understand "That Mom" a bit more. I understand that the messy hair means that you have spent the last 72 hours traveling, getting kids ready from a suitcase, getting kids tucked into strange beds, helping them get a long as much as possible so you don't disturb the people you are staying with, trying to find the outfit you packed but then have to make do because you realize that you forgot half of it on the table at home.

I now understand "That Mom" is someone who is trying to recover from a hard year, from many emotional up's and down's, who is focusing so much on the inside that sometimes the outside might seem a little bit out of order. I understand the chocolate-covered faces are just barely covering up a child's smile...a smile that is so happy about a treat that you just want to leave the mess on the cute face a little bit longer. I understand that the personal hygiene of a 6 year old takes years and years and years to engrain (how many times do you have to remind him to wash his hands? ... oh yeah... like every. single. time. he. goes. to. the. bathroom. for. three. years. now.)

I understand that when a child has only one sock on, but has two shoes on (and you are at a party and you notice it because he is rolling around on the ground) it's perhaps the two year old child is figuring out how to put his shoes and socks on and off again... and in the mean time has thrown one of the socks in the garbage, which you were unaware of. (And "That Mom" just smiles when you overhear someone whispering, "that baby only has one sock on".)

I totally get it when "That Mom" has a bunch of crazy hair herself, no make up, and goes to a friends house and sits like a log (when normally she is really engaged in the conversation). It's because she is really tired and didn't realize it. It took actually sitting down on a comfortable couch, which immediately sucked her up and she had no idea how to get out of it's amazing and comfortable clutches and her brain had become mush in the 1.5 seconds it took to sit.

I have become "That Mom".

So take heart. Even though I have become "That Mom", it has also taught me so many more great things along the way. The greatest part is, I am TOTALLY HAPPY about being THAT MOM. The patience, the perspective, the laughter, the understanding of "life in the midst of the storm"... 

I love you,

Your Mom

A Little Elijah Moment

Dear Elijah,

I feel sad sometimes that I don't get as much time with you as I did the first two. There are so many days when I feel like you don't get the needed attention from me that both Gabriel and Natalia received so well because I had more available energy to give to them so equally.

Tonight was one of those nights. You were having a hard night. Everything was making you cry. Everything I tried to help you didn't work. Everything I tried to do - to teach you a better way of communicating with me - just made you more frustrated. I was back and forth with the other kids and moving slowly to fulfill the various requests of everyone because of other demands on the schedule as well (Basket Brigade management, my foot so I can't move, getting things ready for the Thanksgiving trip, getting ready for the wedding, church assignments, homeschooling, and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the ever growing amount of laundry that is always there and worse when I can't walk!).

You get the picture.

Well, tonight after your bath we put pajamas on and I went to put you to bed. I just sat in the room by ourselves - just you and me. You snuggled against me so much and I sang songs to you. Every couple of seconds you would pick up your head off my shoulder and give me a kiss. The last song we sang was "Families are Forever". As I sang that song and you kept giving me kisses I just started to cry! It was one of those overwhelming emotions of, "You are my baby forever!"

Your love for me just soaked through your little body into my heart. I needed that time with you tonight. You needed that time with me tonight. I love you so much and I don't want you to ever feel like I am "putting you off"... even though there are many times when everything that demands time from me that it seems that way to you.

I love you no matter what. I love you all the time and forever. I am so grateful you are my determined, handsome little man. I love everything that you are and everything that you have to do.

I love you,

Your Mom

My First Experience With Jesus - Another Version

Dear Kids,

Story of how I really gained my testimony of Christ:

When I was 17 years old there was a lot of upheaval in my family. My grandparents passed away two weeks apart, my uncle was thrown in jail in Mexico and we had to retrieve him, a few members of my family came out that they were homosexual, another uncle committed suicide, his wife kidnapped the kids and left the country, my parents were going through major emotional upheaval involved in all of this. My mom was suffering from anxiety attacks, my dad was inapproachable. I didn't understand then why he was so unapproachable, but I understand now. I had people approach me about whether or not my dad was "one of the gay ones". Our family was mocked....

There was a lot of cause for questioning inside of my teenage soul. I so admire my parents for the root and foundation of faith they gave to our family, however there was enough going on all at once that I really was having a lot of doubt about my faith in God, and whether or not He even really cared.

I went a few months without really praying or turning to God. I just turned my back on Him... as a lot of times teenagers do when they don't understand what is happening.

But I remember one night... one particular night when I had to get some peace. There were a lot of hard things happening in school and with my friends. My family had a lot of contention and I was trying to figure out my place in the world and if it really even mattered to anyone... especially to God.

So I remembering kneeling by my bed one night and just praying. I knelt, I prayed, I cried... I didn't know it then, but this was the first prayer of my life that was my "God Therapy". This particular prayer taught me that I could go to God and He would be my therapist.

I prayed for what seemed like hours. I wanted to feel Him somehow and in someway. It was a very similar feeling to Enos, when he ached in his heart to know about the truthfulness of what his father had taught him. I remember kneeling there and just not wanting to get up.

After, truly, a few hours later I remember just kneeling there and I had my eyes shut. Then in a particular moment it was almost like I was lifted out of my room, in my minds eye. I remember feeling a hand stroking my head. I remember feeling and knowing that in that moment, I was kneeling and laying my head in my Saviors lap. He was sitting there, with me, holding me and just stroking my head. He didn't say anything. He was just there and he loved me.

I cried more. I didn't want Him to leave. I just knelt there and I fell asleep like that. I remember waking up the next morning in that same position and just realizing to myself that my Savior loves me! He loves me. My Heavenly Father knows me by name and He cares about me. I remember feeling and realizing that I knew I had a testimony of my Savior without the help of anyone else, I knew for myself and I didn't have to rely on anyone else's testimony any more. From that point on I knew I needed to serve a mission. I knew that I needed to share His love.

I love you,

Your Mom

Filming With The Church

Dear Kids,

Today and yesterday we were filmed by a church crew from the video/audio department.

What a great experience it was! They are working on a project for return missionaries and I found out about it through a cousin who sent me the form to fill out. After sending in the form and a video of myself I received a call about 5 days later from Brady, a producer there. He said that he was impressed with how comfortable I was on camera and wanted to come down to do a shoot with me, interview me and do some filming with the family as well. I told him about Brent and his experience coming home from a mission and how it was different from mine, and Brady wanted to interview Brent as well.

So they came down to St. George and on Friday they came over to our house and filmed us doing interviews for about 3 hours, we went to lunch with the crew, then came back and they did filming again with the kids for about an hour. Then today (Saturday) we got up early and went out to Snow Canyon and did some filming of me painting right on the edge of a cliff over there (which was super cool) and then Brent came out with the kids and we did more filming with hiking and climbing with the kids as well.

The crew was fun and we were able to hang out with them a bit. More than anything, it was the beginning of what (I think) my patriarchal blessing talks about with bearing my testimony and having people all over the world hear my testimony and my husbands. The spirit has been poking me throughout this whole experience that Brent and I need to bear our testimonies more... and in a bigger way. The spirit has also been really talking to me about how I need to bear my testimony more and learn how to tell my story better.

There are so many things that have happened in my life, and I need to learn how to articulate the story around them better. It will take practice, which is why I need to get up and just talk about it more often. I want to pray for this and see how the Lord can open the doors for this to happen. I want to bear my testimony of HIM. I want to... I need to. The Lord has given me a magnetic personality that people respond to and he gave that to me so that I could spread His gospel. I am learning slowly but surely.

Writing my stories down on the blog with help me. That is what I want to do... use my journaling time to tell the story of my life.

I love you!

Your Mom

Tender Mercy In Clothing

Dear Natalia,

I have to tell you about a little tender mercy tonight.

We cleaned out all of the kids clothes today. We took out everything that was too small and put it into storage. Well, that left you and Gabe with MUCH less than you had before. It was okay to rotate, because it was starting to get ridiculous, but it made me realize that I had a lot of clothing to catch up on with both of you.

The principle of creating space and the Lord will fill it is real. And also that the Lord is aware and sends little tender mercies. Tonight at mutual my Beehive advisor came up to me and asked me what size you were and then she gave me a bag of clothes. She said, "You can have whatever you need and then if you know someone who has a girl with the other size feel free to pass it along."

Well, tonight I came home and went through the bag... EVERYTHING in there is your size. Everything! What a tender mercy. There are going to be a few more things we are going to need to get, but this helps tremendously! When I was going through the bag I had the strongest feeling from the spirit confirming to me that the Lord is very aware of me, of you, and of our family. If we will allow Him, then he will let everything come to us that we need.

That was our little tender mercy. I cried about it. It was a perfect confirmation of the Lord's love for me.

I love you,

Your Mom

Return and Report for September. Goals for October.

Dear Kids,

I was telling your dad about an accountability system that I have used with clients through the years. Basically a weekly accountability of goals and accomplishments and such, and then a month end review of everything that happened and everything that was accomplished toward the end goal. It really helped me through the years keep on track with the overall vision of my clients and make sure we were on the right track and forward progression... and especially that everyone was on the same page.

Well, when I was talking to him about this, suggesting this for one of his clients right now, he mentioned to me that I need to keep this system up, just with you. I am the CEO of our home afterall, and it would be a great thing for me to look over the last month and see everything that has happened and everything that was accomplished, moving toward our end goal.

It was perfect timing to write it down because, afterall, it is October 1st! So perfect timing to have some accountability... my favorite way of saying this is to "return and report" :-).

Here it goes... In the month of September, this is what was accomplished in our home:

• Mom didn't go crazy. THAT is always a huge part of getting to the end goal. 
  
• This month of homeschooling we have gone over the water cycle, did a whole space unit for a week, did a body unit for a couple of days, and now we are into the science experiment unit (which we are still working on currently). We have done a nature walk every week and started a nature journal.
• I have read "Love and Logic", "Thomas Jefferson Education" and now working on "Red Badge of Honor". I have also read the Russian Book of Mormon outloud at least 2-3 times a week.
• Every school day both Gabriel and Talia have done writing time, reading time and Rusty and Rosy time (computer program). Even if it was just for 5 minutes (most days was about 10 minutes each), everyday those things were accomplished. Which freaking ROCKS. Writing time consists of either a writing sheet or doing "spelling with our feet". We have done math this way as well. 
• We have filled up our complete scriptural timeline. 
• We have done scriptures everyday, either in the morning or at night with the scriptural timeline, reading scriptures or watching scripture videos.
• I have gone to the gym 4-5 times each week. I officially call this "Saving My Sanity Time". 
• I taught the pain, headache, chronic pain, muscular pain, etc. class for our family natural medicine call. 
• Gabe FINALLY rode his bike without training wheels! This is the latest accomplishment just for the last 2 days! YES.
• We went on a cave adventure with dad to the Lava Tubes in Snow Canyon Park. 
• We went to Sandhollow and played on the beach. 
• We have practiced swimming every week. Gabe is SO CLOSE to swimming independently - that has just happened in the last two weeks.
• I joined the homeschool group on facebook and yahoo. I have volunteered to organize park days for that group. I got a deal at the trampoline park for the homeschool group once a month. 
• I have made it to every mutual activity except one for my calling in the YW Presidency. I have held a presidency meeting with my girl presidency as well and planned the next few months activities. 
• We have held 2 official meetings for Basket Brigade with the Family Nominations Committee and the Purchasing Committee. I have contacted several people about articles and/or presentations. 
• I am halfway through reading "Charolette's Web" with Gabe. 
• Introduced Gabe and Talia to the library and they have loved it. 
• I have given a couple massages. 
• I have started on Christmas gifts at night that I am making this year. 
• Did really well while Brent was out of town on a tour for a week and a half.
• Most nights the dishes are done, the house is vacuumed and things aren't crazy for the next day. 
• Journaling privately various experiences in our lives. 
• Met several friends for play dates to TRY and keep up relationships!
• We have been outside EVERYDAY. Either at the park, playing with friends, talking a walk, going on some adventure, etc. 
• Spent time with my brother and his new wife when they were in town. Able to connect a bit with them and they have been so generous helping us with various needs.
• Incorporated "Gobbley-Goop" into our routine. The kids leave messes, then Gobbley-Goop gets their messes. They have to do a chore to earn things back. It is beautiful. 
• Spent girl time with my two best friends going to the women's conference. Helped Shauna with some rides and she spent some time at the house for a few days. 
• Soccer practices, soccer games, tumbling classes, dance classes. 
• Got a few things painted in our home to change it up a bit. Kept my plants alive out front.

That list is so helpful for me to look at!! I love it. My major focuses for October are:

• Conference! I can't wait. 
• More consistent MEANINGFUL personal study - especially from the conference talks.
• No eating after 8pm. 
• Keep working on Christmas gifts at night (I want to hand make most of my gifts this year). 
• Read 2 new books. 
• Meditation. I haven't really done any kind of purposeful meditation for a few months. I can totally accomplish this during gym time - which makes it doable to add to our already really busy lives.
• Basket Brigade. 
• Keep the current pace with homeschool (this pace is feeling good) and be very aware of what the kids want to learn about to incorporate into our studies. 
• Get to know more homeschooling moms in the area with the moms night.
• Do some planting for the October-December season. 

Yes... this was good advice to incorporate this into my CEO mom life. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Already Doing

Dear Kids,

I have been doing a lot of reading lately - lots of books, lots of blogs, lots of different things I can get my hands on about parenting and how to raise a family. You are all going through so much changing I haven't felt like I know how to keep up with your progression.

Then just tonight I saw a pinterest picture that says "6 things that make you a better mom" and I started to get a little gut reaction of *UGH*. I started to think, "Can there REALLY BE SIX MORE THINGS?? Especially to add to what I am already doing and learning?".

All the feedback, all the professional advice, all the different opinions about parenting is good... to a point. However, it gets to the point where I just have to say to myself, "I am already a great mom. I don't need to take the time to read something else. I am ALREADY DOING."

That is the phrase for the night. I am already doing.

I am already tucking you in at night and talking with you about your day. There are some nights that are better than others. There are some nights I look at you and I feel all the love in my heart for you. There are some nights when we are both so exhausted that I kiss you on the forehead and leave the room because I must have my alone time. There are some nights we get home late and we hurry and brush our teeth, say prayers and get in bed before everyone breaks down all together. There are some nights that I cuddle with you, we laugh, we tickle each other, we tell stories.

I am already working on my patience. There are some days when I am golden. The golden girl mom and I handle things picture perfect. There are some days when I am really tired from various other stresses and my temper is shorter than it was the day before. There are some days I apologize more than I wish I had to. There are some days when I just have fun and it doesn't seem like anything in the world could take my smile away. There are some days when the whines just don't stop (no matter what "tactic" I use) and by 5pm and dinner hasn't been made yet because of everything else that has suddenly hit me that day that I go and get a pizza and we watch a movie.

I am already taking time for myself. There are some days when I don't get as much time as I wanted to have. There are some days I plan for girl time with girlfriends, then something happens and it doesn't work out. There are some days when I have to run out of the house as soon as your dad gets home because I must take an hour to breath and have space. There are some days when I wish I had just a second to spare to just take a shower. There are some days when I work on so many outside, church and community projects that I have to remind myself to stop overwhelming myself and say 'no' more often. There are other days when the projects are finished and I get restless and remind myself that it is good to sit and just breathe.

I am already reading with you. I am already studying with you. I am already laughing with you. I am already feeding you good food. I am already smiling at you. I am already hugging you. I am already letting you help me do so many things so you can learn. I am already doing chores with you. And sometimes I am impatient, I don't let you help, I stick cold cereal in front of your face, I do all the chores at night because I don't have the energy to teach you how to do it anymore, I have to put the book away because of so much resistance...

You get the idea. Life is life. Days are sometimes really slow and wonderful and everyone is getting along great. Other days I have to have some adventure and I want to go conquer the world with all three of you in my backpack. There are other days when life is really stressful, business is super hard, schooling is over the top, outside things that hit us are too much for me to handle and I go cry in the bathroom. Days are sometimes full of magic and amazement and I think that they could be that way forever! There are other days when we don't see your dad... ever. When you cry for him and miss him so much and I have to console you and let you know that just because he is gone, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. There are other days when we are together as a family all day and we can take our time in the morning, we can go on hikes, we can go on adventures, we eat together and everything is "picture perfect".

I think the biggest thing that I am learning with all my reading and all my parenting study is that I am already doing - I AM ALREADY DOING. No advice in the world can compensate for the actual application that sometimes doesn't look or play out perfectly... but I get to get up the next day, brush myself off and try again.

No matter what, I always try again.

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Update with Homeschooling Stuff

Dear Kids,

Homeschooling Post Update:

I need to keep good notes about what we are doing in our home for schooling. I have been counseled to do it, so here it goes.

1. I started teaching them handwriting when they were 3. Very slowly. But they were interested. So I started when they were 3. We did letters, we did shapes, we did anything they wanted.
2. Always read books. Everyday. Sometimes only one short book a day. But everyday they had a book in their hands.
3. Computer programs are a friend, as long as you aren't dependent on them. I love the Rusty and Rosy program both Talia and Gabe have used. Love them.
4. I haven't made any sensory bins. I have them go outside instead. Or in the bath. Sensory bins have been too messy for me personally to handle. So I haven't done it.

5. Gabe started reading when he was 5 years old. Talia will be the same, I can already see that. I have been reading books with Gabe and we read every other word together. Just lately I have told him he can play 5 minutes of a game on my phone if he chooses a book to read by himself. He loves that incentive.
6. We do 'Academy Time'. That has really helped to separate the time we use for schooling to call it something specific.
7. I am still very new to this. So there are going to be lots of different ways to do this throughout the years, I can already see that.
8. We are using butcher paper A LOT. Anything we draw, I want to get the butcher paper out so we can draw it REALLY BIG. The water cycle. Their bodies. Plants. Animals. Everything.
9. I have tried to really pay attention to what they really love. So far it has helped with unit studies quite a bit.
10. I do listening time everyday when we read a chapter book. Then I ask about 3 questions about each chapter we read to see if he listened. I have been doing this with Gabe at this point. Talia hasn't shown a lot of interest yet.
11. I am so grateful that I have done chores with my kids really young. Gabe is folding his own laundry. It is awesome. He came out of the laundry room the other day with his basket of clothes in his hands and said, "These need to be folded". Then he folded them and put them away. He is 5. It is awesome. Talia can unload the dishwasher by herself already. Taking the time to teach them their chores IS PAYING OFF. I need to remember that a lot of times!
12. I have lately instituted the "Gobbly-Goop Bag". IF they leave stuff out, then Gobbly-Goop gets it. I love this system. Then to earn it back they have to do a chore.
13. I love going on nature walks. We discover something everytime.
14. I want to learn more names of plants to teach them on our nature walks.
15. I haven't done anything fancy to teach them their letters. They get it eventually. I don't stress over the really simple, simple lessons when they are young. They catch on. They will know it simply because it is so simple.
16. I have been trying to talk through everything more so they see the process that happens around us.
17. If I am in a room doing work I insist that anyone who is in that room with me helps me work. Drives me crazy to be the one working and then other people are sitting around. If they don't want to help me, they have to leave. Ironically, because they want to be around me, they stay and help.
18. I have LOVED doing the schooling stuff. IT has been the other everyday mom stuff that has overwhelmed me. Keeping up with my house and everything else I am still trying to figure out. But I can't have a crazy messy house. That drives me crazy.
19. I have been doing 'spelling with your feet" with Gabe and "addition and subtraction" with your feet. I made big number and letter charts that we can put on the floor then hop from letter to letter to spell a word, as well with the math. Gabe LOVES that. Getting his whole body involved like that has been awesome.
20. Everyday we do something to write and something to read. No matter what. Even if it is just 15 minutes, that is an everyday thing.
21. We have been doing the timeline in our wall, starting with the scripture stories. That has been AWESOME. I love that and I will keep doing that for sure. I cut out pictures from ensigns and laminated them for the this timeline. Then everyday for the beginning of academy time we do a prayer then read about the scripture story.
22. I want to institute memorizing the articles of faith and other scriptures in the future. I haven't put pressure on myself about that yet because I am still trying to get everything else down.
23. I love room time. Gabe and Talia have a separate room time everyday so they are alone to play in their rooms everyday. That has been great for a break. We do quiet time everyday as well. That is huge for me. A lot of times I take a little nap as well! I get so tired sometimes!
24. St. Johns Wart. Red Raspberry. I love these herbs and they keep my emotions and stress under control.
25. I still have to be better about scheduling breaks for myself. I need a break every week away from the house and away from the kids. I know other moms who have mentioned this as well. If it is scheduled every week so my own time and individuality is maintained, then my break downs will be less.
26. Park days with other families have been GREAT. I love them. I want to schedule a "friend day" every week where they choose a friend to play with and we set up the play date. I haven't gotten there quite yet. Mainly in the afternoons for that.

I think that is mainly what I have had in my mind about it all up to this point!

Andrea

Financial Hardships and Marriage

Dear Friends,

This is to anyone who maybe needs this.

What does love look like when financial stress is really high?

I looks the same as when financial stress isn't very high. We get up in the morning and say to each other, "I love waking up to you." We go along with our morning and hug each other a few times as we pass by. When you leave in the morning I give you a kiss. Then you go out the front door. Then I run to you again to give you another hug.

A lot of reassurance.

Is our financial stress because of bad decisions? Yes. Is it easy to blame? Very. Is it right to blame? No. The other night I needed to get away into nature so I could sort through my feelings of blame. I went. I walked for a while. I found a rock by the water. I sat. I cried. I asked Heavenly Father to take the anger feelings away. I cried some more. Then I got up, shook off the dirt, and said to myself, "I am not a victim. I still choose to be together. Is this enough to ruin our eternal family for? NEVER."

I understand why finances are a huge reason for a lot of divorces. But here is the thing. Finances are NOT the reason. Choosing to see the most important relationship in your life with contempt and anger are the reason. Choosing to blame is the reason. Choosing to be farther apart because of it is the reason.

Is it hard to love someone when it was their poor choices that put you in a bad situation? Yes. It is hard. Is it still right to love that person no matter what? Yes. No matter what.

No matter what.

Keep your chin up. Keep praying. Keep hoping for better days. Keep eyes on the future and the future of hope and faith. The future is as bright as your faith.

Choose to work together inside of the struggle. It is hard. But it is possible.

I love you. I love you forever.

Your Wife

Day to Day Moments

Dear Kids,

I am sitting here while you are in the tub. You are playing so amazingly well. I am so grateful for the times when you play so well. You are talking nice, you are being polite, you are using your imaginations like crazy. It is awesome.

There are times like these when I think that perhaps I am doing something right. There are other times when I feel like I will never get this parenting thing down. I hope other people feel that way. There is so much advice out there, so many things that people say are the right thing to do, when in reality it comes down to the day to day moments that build our lives together.

Your dad and I have been tried quite a bit in the last few months. The Lord is taking us through a lot of testing ground. Some moments are easier than others. But I have had the opportunity through it all to practice a lot of gratitude. I am grateful for so many things around me. Dishwashers, washing machines, dryers, electricity, a home, a warm bed, never going hungry. More than anything I am grateful for you. All three of you. I have had a lot time to thank Heavenly Father for a baby who screams, a lot. Elijah - you just want to scream ... all the time. I am doing my best to teach you how to communicate in other ways, but that is your 'go-to' communication. I will never judge a parent of a screamer ever again... especially when it is the third child.

Ultimately what matters is that we are using the everyday moments to make it back to Heavenly Father. Have I had the spirit with me today? Yes. Have I had hard moments? Yes. Have I handled everything right? No. Have I repented and tried to do better after I faltered? Yes. If I died today would I be in the path to the celestial kingdom? Yes.

Thank you for loving me, even when life is hard.

I love you,

Your Mom

Gratitude: 9/7/14

Dear Kids,

I am taking on Elder Eyering's challenge from a few conferences ago about writing down daily, at the end of everyday, how I have seen the Lord's hand in my life.

I have found myself really having a hard time emotionally, spiritually and mentally for the last little while. There are a few reasons for it, but for sure one of the reasons is because I need to practice gratitude a little bit more frequently. Especially for you kids... to know that I have a testimony of my Savior. There are so many times my frustrations come out and you see what no one else in the world sees. There is a side of me that no one knows but my kids and my husband. So especially for you, I need to write these words.

The Lord has been present in my life today because:

1. Feeling the spirit in church and especially sacrament meeting. I felt the spirit strongly and He testified to me. That means I am still 'counted worthy to receive'! I am on the path and the spirit is in my life.

2. I had a Young Women's meeting tonight and it was so good for my soul to be around other women of God who have such a strong testimony of the gospel. We women need each other to buoy each other up.

3. A peaceful night with putting everyone to bed. The last few days have been hard. I have been short tempered. I have lost my temper. So tonight it was peaceful and I kept my cool. I am grateful for that and how quickly you feel asleep!

4. That your dad is not thousands of miles away! He is here in town and close. I am so grateful he is close.

5. I finished "Thomas Jefferson Education" tonight. I love the reminder that 10 years before the Founding Fathers were called upon to do the great things they did, they were just like you and me. They were working to get out of debt, mend broken hearts, getting through school, refinding careers... but they were being prepared for great things. The reminder that if I continually feed my soul with classics and words of God I will be prepared to do what the Lord would have me do with my mission on this earth.

6. I have a house that doesn't get flooded! There are many people in our neighborhood that had their houses flooded lately. I am grateful that we haven't had that issue!

7. We are all healthy. I have a friend whose husband is fighting brain cancer. She has no idea if she is

going to be able to spend her life with him or without him. I am grateful for amazing health in our family.

8. Kids who are smart. You are so smart that you crowd me with your requests a lot of times. All the things you want to do by yourselves and the trial and error of trying. But it is a blessing... a blessing for me to remember in the middle of the messes.

9. A reminder today that there are a lot of women who are lonely. There are a lot of mom's who are lonely and who wonder how they can do it all. The pressure we feel is deep... but it is worth it. I know that. I love hearing and knowing from other strong women of God when they struggle but they have the big picture and still move forward keeping the spirit in their lives.

I think that is it for tonight. There will be more tomorrow! I have the hand of God in my life. Everywhere. It is my choice to see it.

I love you,

Your Mom

Updates

Dear Kids,

So many things to update about. So I am going to do a list of things that I don't want to forget. Not a touchy-feelie post tonight.

• Gabe: Tonight in the car on the way home from dinner with your dad's family you said, "When I get bigger I am going to be a hero, like you dad! Because you are a hero because you are a daddy." It was so adorable. Then Talia said, "Yeah! Mom when I get bigger I am going to be a mom and do dishes!". LOL. It was pretty funny.
• Gabe: You have been processing death in the last couple of months because of me telling you my story about my first dog, Joyful. I will probably do a more detailed post about this one because of how much it has affected you. One night you asked me to tell you as story about my life when I was a kid. So I told you about getting Joyful, my first dog. I told you that we played together, she was my best friend, she had babies, and how much fun we had. Then I said, "Then she got hurt by a car and she had to go back to Heavenly Father." Immediately tears welled up in your eyes and you said, "Oh mom! were you so sad? Are you okay? Do you miss her? Is she okay with Heavenly Father?". After asking me lots of questions you were just crying and crying. I don't know if I could ever forget your face because of how tender you were about the whole thing. Then just last night you told me, "Mom, when we were at Papa and Mimi's house I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would let Joyful come back to you there, but she didn't come!". So then I got to process resurrection with you as well. You don't really like that program right now because you think that Joyful should be able to come back to me right now. You ask me to tell you the story of Joyful all the time. You have had to process that a lot. 
• Gabe: Just some cute things that you do. You call your dragon, "Tooplus" instead of "Toothless" (like the movie How to Train Your Dragon). Your dad thinks it is the cutest thing when you do that. You are vacuuming all by yourself right now. You are doing your laundry all by yourself, all I have to do is get it washed and in the dryer, you are doing everything else. You are still having a hard time socially, you get very emotionally wrapped up in everything and have a hard time just joking around with friends. It will be something you are going to have to learn a lot. you are taking a tumbling class. You are going to be starting soccer soon. And we are homeschooling you this year! That is going to be an adventure, especially for mom. You love the story of Joseph Smith. You are telling me about your dreams a lot. You are all about being a super hero. You are taking things apart and putting them back together a gain (like our blender that broke, you took it apart and then put it back together again). You love the minion game on Dad's phone. You are reading on a first grade reading level which is super fun!
• Talia: You are all about snuggling all the time. You tell me all the time that we need to snuggle so I can tickle your back. You are sometimes mauling me! There are times I worry that you feel rejected because there are times that it is soooooooo much touch and in my space that I have to take a breather. I am working on it, especially because there are times that you use it as a manipulation tool... so we will see how that goes. You love your dolls. You always want to do your nails and make up. Your hair is FINALLY growing out enough that we are able to do it in fun ways! I love that. You will never have a problem socially because you are the light of the party all the time. Everyone follows you and you know what you are all about in this world. Self confidence is something that you came with that is for sure. 
• Elijah: You are still screaming alot, but it is getting less and less all the time as you are learning how to communicate a bit. You are smiling like crazy and you are SO FUN right now. You are always running to me and your dad to give us hugs. You are so handsome! People comment all the time about how good looking you are. You are determined and you are not afraid to take up the spotlight. There are many times when you do something you don't even realize is funny, but then people will laugh and you and you will smile really big. Then you will do it again, and again and again and again and again (like gargling, spitting, throwing yourself on the ground, funny things with your tongue, spinning around and around...). Your first word was 'Oh wow!' on my birthday no less! That morning you said, 'Oh wow'! It was awesome. Other than that you are not really saying very much. You will try to say, "All done" but it really comes out 'Ah Dah!'. You are signing more and understanding more and more sign. But you understand everything that I say. You are very smart and know exactly what is going on around you and when you are being left out of something. If Talia and Gabe have something then you must have your own too!
• Brent is done with North Dakota. that was a very long adventure for our family. Many life changing things happened during the last 7 months of our lives that we will share with people some day. It has been interesting navigating my emotions and healing. But we are working through it and trying to love each other as much as we can. 
• I am homeschooling this year. I have been painting a lot the last couple of weeks, that has been healing as well. I am excited about homeschooling. I am more excited about homeschooling than anything for a while. I am nervous about keeping up on motherly things because homeschool has taken over my mind quite a bit. But I need to work on getting onto a very consistent schedule. I am going to work on devotional first and then also doing the Rusty and Rosy program. After that is down pat then we can add other things. 
• I am scaling back on other things quite a bit. I haven't been doing any new clients and I have been really focusing on my mom time. It is hard in a lot of ways and easier in a lot of ways too. I am totally letting go of providing and letting Brent take all that burden. Especially because we want to have another baby, I will be full time mommy for the next few years that is for sure, especially with homeschool in mind. I always have too many projects that arent' getting done. I want to focus on my mom projects to get done in all my 'spare time'. Like our photos books from the last 8 years of our lives!!! Ah! I am behind. 

I think that is pretty much all the updates. My heart is feeling more and more open to writing again, that is a good sign. So hopefully I will be writing more soon. I have really been following my feelings on writing and not forcing it so my heart has been able to really focus on healing and I am not putting pressure on myself with really anything else. 

Hopefully I will be writing soon.

Me

Per Request: Our Chore System

Dear Reader and Friends,

I have had quite a few people lately ask me about the chore system that I use with my kids and in our house. I actually hesitate posting things like this because I know that after going through a post such as what I am going to write, there are many mom's out there who will think things like...

"They are so amazing! I wish I could teach my kids that!" or...

"She is such a great mom, it looks so nice." or...

"There is no way that I could do something like this." or...

ANY OTHER comparing thoughts. So, before I get into this, I want to give a few disclaimers:

1. There are days that are really good when we do chores. The kids smile and they work hard. 

2. There are MORE days that are really hard and after a few minutes I have to just tell them we are going to have to wait until tomorrow to finish because I don't have the patience to see it through.

3. There are smiles... and there are complaints from my kids...but I AM SEEING the fruits of doing this with them. Which I will write later.

4. There are days I don't follow this schedule perfectly because... well, as you know, many days don't go according to plan... and that is okay. I just breathe deep and try again tomorrow when that happens.

5. I LOVE this system. Love it.

So PLEASE don't compare. I promise my kids aren't 100% bright-eyed and bushy-tailed while we do stuff like this. It takes a lot of patience for me to do this with them, so it is self-mastery work for me as well!

Okay, without further ado, here is the system. I will use pictures to go through it. 

ONE: I printed out a bunch of words and pictures with various chores on them to make "chore cards".

NO, I did not make these, I googled "chore charts" and found one online I liked and printed it (there are a lot out there, so you can find one that works for you). I made one copy for each child. Then I had them color them and we laminated them together. So the kids were very involved in the process.

TWO: We use these cards to decide on the chores we will do for the day... (and to be honest we will do this system 2-3 times a week, so we don't do this everyday. Our schedule is usually Monday, Thursday and Saturday). 

We have quite a few cards (as you can see in my hands).Most of the time we will choose between 3-6 chore cards depending on how motivated I am to follow through and teach! 

THREE: We will lay out the cards on the table first so the kids can see what we are going to do. They help me choose them. THEN, each chore will get either a nickel, dime or a quarter put above the card, the amount I will choose depending on how big the chore is. We will put the money above the card after we line out the chores on the table. I decided to have three jars the money goes into. Tithing/Charity (10%), Savings (20%) and Fun (70%). 

FOURTH: After lining everything out on the table, then we will do one chore at a time. I always put music on as well. As soon as the chore is finished I will have the kids run back to the table and put the money into the jar decided for that chore. Then they will take the card and put it in their envelope that I have on the wall. So we can immediately see which chores are done and which ones are left.

FIFTH: Then we repeat that until the chores are complete! I have been doing this system with the kids for about a year. They aren't tired of it yet! Here are some pictures of doing chores. 

I totally focus on teaching them how to clean the best. I am pretty picky about making sure they know how to do it right. They can do all these chores on their own now without me having to tell them how to do the little details. That took AWHILE to get to this point, but now that we are here, I love it!

WHAT THEIR MONEY IS FOR: They use their "fun" money jar for various things. Whenever we are at the store or running errands and they ask for candy, a little toy, or something fun, I just always get to say, "Well, we have to look in your fun jar and see if you have earned enough money to buy it." That is my automatic response whenever they ask for anything. They have already bought many things with their own money that they have earned. 

It is SO NICE to use this response with them! We have already had a lot of conversations about "their money they have earned because of working" and where it goes. We have talked about their tithing/charity jar and savings jars as well and what they are for.

So... there you have it! Our chore system. So far it is working great and I foresee it will work well until my kids are probably about seven or eight years old. 

I know as the kids get older we are going to need to adjust how we do chores, and what they will get paid for (I am NOT going to pay my kids for all the little chores they should do around the house as they get older. I will change it to be more complicated chores like cleaning the garage and stuff).

But, for now, it is working beautifully!

Everyday Choices = Marriage Miracles

Dear Kids,

I think in our day and age, celebrating marriage miracles is essential. Tonight I want to celebrate the second most important marriage in my life: My Mom and Dad. They reached their 40 year anniversary today!

40 years. 

Now that I have been married for longer than a couple of years and have experienced the immense up's and down's that marriage brings, I am just completely amazed at my parents. I know about 10% of what they have gone through in their lives together. The other 90% I am coming to understand and appreciate more as I live my life.

All the stories that make up the book of their life are becoming more and more alive to me. Everything they have experienced is becoming so much more tangible to me. The immense sacrifice they put into their parenting is just starting to blow me away as I get more and more into my life as a parent. The hard work and dedication they put into raising us with a relationship with the Lord and our Savior just astounds me. They are amazing. 

I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to stay together. I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to love each other. I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to wake up next to each other, kiss each other, hold each other's hand, walk together, cry together, support each other, laugh together, work together, overcome life's adversities together, read together, talk to each other, be kind to each other... everything the really makes up the everyday moments that eventually equal a life of 40 years together. 

The more I understand about relationships, the more I firmly believe it is about how we use the everyday moments. It is the choice in the everyday moments that will determine where we will be 40 years down the road. Everyday choices of love, kindness, forgiveness, applying the atonement, loving, working, and enjoying life. Then waking up the next morning and doing again... but not out of drudgery, but because of love and happiness. 

That is the biggest legacy I think my parents have left for me to enjoy. I see them loving their life. It is not perfect. There are so many things that are still very difficult. But they smile everyday. They make the choice to enjoy the day, no matter what it looks like. And because of that, they lives are full of happiness. They have a family who loves them. They have grandchildren that ask all the time about going to "Mimi and Papa's". 

I hope that in 40 years my family will love me just as much. I hope that I can do just a small amount with my life that they have done with theirs. I hope that I can, after 40 years of marriage, still look at my husband and smile, love him, kiss him and adore him like they do with each other. 

Yes, their marriage is a miracle. The everyday, simple but so immensely important, choices are what equal their miracle of 40 years together. I hope the world can be filled with more marriages that are miracles as well. 

I love you,

Your Mom

My Birthday!

Dear Kids,

My 37th birthday was yesterday. It was one of the most amazing birthdays I have ever had. 

Your dad has been working out of town a lot and he was gone yesterday. But he spent so much time planning a birthday for me to celebrate my life, it really humbled me and helped me to feel so much closer to him. 

In the morning I found out that I was going to have an escort come to the house at 11am to pick me up and I needed to be ready to go. My first present of the day I got at about 10am in a gift bag with a gift certificate to Ross to go shopping. My escort, your Aunt Colleen, came to get me at 11am and I had no idea where we were going. We drove for about 20 minutes and then ended up at Red Mountain Spa! Your dad had arranged for us to get massages at noon at the spa there. 

It was so wonderful. A surprise massage. Then we finished and we lounged and relaxed, drank tea and just enjoyed the amazing scenery there. We went to lunch, which he also arranged and then next on the agenda was going to Ross to buy clothes with my gift card, and I had to buy one outfit for my outings that night. 

When I got home I was instructed to get ready for a date to go to Benja's and a movie with my good friend Brenda Kenworthy. It was so wonderful! We ate, laughed and watched a great feel good movie. When I got home I walked into a house full of reasons why so many people in my life love me. 

The day was perfect. Colleen was telling me that your dad had perfectly in mind what he wanted me to experience for the day and how he wanted it to go for me. He put so much thought and energy into surprising me and taking such great care of me all day. I felt totally cherished. I felt totally loved even though he was far away. 

I love surprises so much because of the thought and energy put into something that is just for me! That is how the whole day was. I got so many texts, phone calls, so much love from so many people all day. I love birthdays! I love to celebrate being alive because I truly do love my life. I love everything in my life. Even when it is hard, loving life is a choice and I love it. 

I hope you will always love yours too!

I love you,

Your Mom

Real Life Moments

Dear Kids,

Life is full of up's and down's. There are going to be times when you have more energy and times when you have less. There are going to be days full of sorrow and days full of joy. 

Such has been my life for the past couple of months - I have thought so many times that I need to write but I haven't been able to get any words out of my heart and soul in order to do so. I have tried to force writing, but I have been going through a lot of healing, self discovery and focusing inward. 

I realized one day that I didn't need to prove to anyone how I was doing. I didn't need to explain my "absence" in writing or in my interaction with everyone around me. I didn't need to try and give excuses or have anyone really understand why. 

There are times when there is private pain. There are times when there is public pain. There are chapters when dealing with the challenges and adversities of life should be declared from the roof tops and other times when they are a silent battle between me, my husband and the Lord. 

Specifically with the up's and down's in marriage and the relationship between husband and wife... no one needs to be party to those adversities and challenges. Treating my relationship with your dad as sacred and private is part of what makes our marriage and CAN make our marriage completely unbreakable.

I know I am being very vague and that is okay. Sometimes details are necessary for others to know and sometimes they aren't. There are a lot of "Real Life Moments" that are very difficult. There are many of those "Real Life Moments" that are also so amazing that they make me want to crawl right out of my skin. Feeling the opposites of emotion, life, adversity, challenges, happiness, sorrow, complete joy and anger is key inside of really living life. 

I choose to live my life full of flow. The private flow of my life in the last six weeks will remain just that, private. There will be a time to make it public, but that time is not yet. 

I love you,

Your Mom