Report of 2021 By The Month!

 2021 Report:

January: 

-Found out New Years Eve that Shayla had been taken in for emergency surgery. She went to rehab after that and her cancer matastizied. 

-Between everything happening with Shayla, we went up to Brianhead with our Nature Co-op for our winter over night outing. They played in the snow like crazy and went tubing. Brent came with us this year! The kids had a blast, like we do every year. What a gift to be part of this group.

-We took a quick fast trip to Idaho to deliver a greenhouse and brought the kids with us. Gabe went to Boise with Papa for a fast trip and to see Tate get ordained. After Papa got back from that trip he told everyone that Shayla wasn't going to make it and he gave her a blessing of release from this life. 

-Mesha, Kalea, Jonathan, Dad and I all were able to go spend time with her through the rest of January and beginning of February. I had seven days with her. I helped her to finish writing her final letters to her kids. I witnessed someone in the process of dying for the first time in my life. She taught me so many things watching her as she was dealing with such pain. The lessons I learned while being a witness to everything she was going through changed me forever. 

-The whole of January was spent on traveling, supporting and talking with family, receiving support from Dani (she came and stayed with my kids while I helped Shay), Brent was amazing while supporting me during the whole process. Everything else in January is a little bit of a blur honestly. The kids were doing their normal classes, piano, ninja warrior, parkour, choir, homeschool co-op... everything else like that. 

-And we got Ginger Dog! She turned out to be more for me than for the kids. My comfort animal this year.

February: 

-Went to Secret Garden with Talia for a mom and daughter date. 

-Shayla passed away on February 15th after a week of severe strokes. It was a relief when she passed on so she didn't have to be in such pain anymore. 

-Her viewing was in Boise Wednesday night Feb.17th. The funeral was planned for Thursday February 18th. Then the burial was February 19th in Montpelier Idaho. We made the whirlwind trip to Boise for the viewing and funeral, then back to Idaho Falls to spend the night and then go to the burial on the 19th. 

-We stayed in Idaho with mom and dad for a week after that, then Brent came back up to get us. We went to the aquarium while we were here. We made it back to St. George around the 29th of February.  The kids missed a lot of their homeschool activities during this month.

March:

-Talia and I went on a girls trip to Phoenix AZ. She had earned money to go on a trip like three months earlier, but we had to put it off because of everything happening with Shayla. We stayed with Amanda and Emily Noxon down there and had a great time! Just what the doctor ordered.

-End of March was spent helping with "Anne of Green Gables" at with a homeschool academy. Both Talia and Gabe were involved in it and they had a great time! 

-Also spent quite a bit of time with planning the mom's retreat in April. The kids did their regular classes and homeschool routine for this month and it felt really nice not to miss anything because of travel. 

April:

-Jeff and Julie Noxon came for Brent's Birthday, and also Krista and Al. We got Brent a "dad chair" (that we had to pack up after!). Julie and Jeff stayed for about a week and we went hiking with them, swimming at the hotel and had a great time.

-Dani and Gavin came for Easter! Jonathan visited St. George and got to see him, Denise and the twins.

-Talia and Elijah involved in a few spring parades with the Epic Children's choir!

-Went and helped to build a greenhouse for Dani and Alan in Tooele. 

-I headed up the "Women Who Know" Mom's retreat up in Pine Valley. This experience was phenomenal and just what I needed in order to feel God working through me for other people. There were so many spiritual experiences during this retreat and I could feel the way God was working with me to help the women who came. I planned it together with Shirlyn Wanlass, Katie Vrajich, Connie Losses, and Maren Jones. It was a beautiful experience.

-Kalea and her family came to visit. 

-Brent for the last month (since the beginning of the year) has been steady in helping with everything inside of the house and his work responsibilities. He had been still singing with the quartet and meeting every week to practice his songs with them. He was enjoying that quite a bit. 

May:

-Elijah started baseball (Dani came to watch him, which was amazing!). The kids had their piano recital. We did "Pioneer Days" with the nature co-op in Washington. We started going to the lake for rest and relaxation. We went to a few stage productions (Brent and I) for date nights. Talia did her princess party this month.

-At the beginning of May is when we found out that we had to move out of the house in Washington and we started getting answers about getting rid of EVERYTHING and hitting the road. We spent a large part of May getting that process moving forward. 

-Kids had their Epic Children's Choir end of semester concert. We went to Veyo Pool for the final party of the semester with the nature co-op. 

-I turned 44 years old and we went to Mesquite for Bingo with Holly and Cory! Perfect date night. and Colleen came to visit with Boyd and I got to meet him for the first time!

June:

-We planned a family camping week about three months earlier. We had a lot to do to get everything ready to move out, but we knew that we had to keep our promise to the kids and go camping... so we went up to Baker Dam area and camped for a week. The kids had a great time!

-Ginger Dog got a huge "owie" on her head and I thought she was going to die, but she didn't and she made it through!

-Shirlyn surprised Brent and I with going to do sealings on our 14th anniversary! FIRST TIME BEING BACK TO THE TEMPLE after Covid!

-We spend the majority of June packing up, going to the dump, doing a garage sale, and getting the house cleaned and moved out. Dani and Alan came and helped us A TON, and they took our food storage back to Tooele with them - that was a hard thing.

-Talia had an early birthday party with her friends before we left town. We said goodbye to everyone and everything we knew in St. George and left with our "wagon full" and understood the pioneers so much more. 

July:

-Spent the month at Dani's house in Tooele. Got passports applied for. Went hiking with Lynne Allred (my mission comp) and her kids - we went and visited her a couple of times. Talia did her birthday at Dani's house. We went to the Tooele City Pool almost everyday. Gabe and Elijah went to the rodeo with Krista and Al. 

-We went to Lagoon for the first time as a family! The kids had a blast. We road the train up there. We met with Julie and Jeff to go together with Jace and the kids. They had a great time. Definitely a great memory. 

-Brent worked from Dani's office and it was interesting and a good learning experience to live at Dani's together. The kids said they would never under appreciate having a mattress to sleep on ever again. On the way to Idaho they said, "We are just grateful that we'll be able to sleep on mattresses!"

August:

-Got to Idaho right at the end of July for the Chuckars Game and the Kvarfordt Reunion at Papa and Mimi's house. Casey came with the kids which was awesome. That was the first time Mimi had seen the kids since everything happened with Shayla. 

-After the reunion we got to work on Mimi's house. We took down all the Christmas trees and deep cleaned the upstairs. We painted her bathroom. I started on the craft room downstairs. We started organizing the herb room. We started on the five month process of cleaning out the downstairs area. We spent pretty much all our extra time working on the house. 

-Went to the Zoo and the Aquarium as well. We had a field trip day every week. We exercised every morning. We got into a pretty good routine. 

-Brent kept working from an office with Brian Karford, Papa's brother.

September:

-We were finally able to go to the temple to do baptisms with Gabe! We met Teague and Ben at the Star Valley WY temple. 

-We spent as much time in the temple doing work in August and September as possible. Brent and I went sometimes twice a week. We felt an urgency to spend as much time there as possible.

-Went to the Butterfly Sanctuary in Blackfoot. Still did field trips every week at a museum or something fun. Did projector movies outside. Built forts and built planes. Played games with Mimi as much as possible. Went to Jackson Hole WY with Papa on a day trip, and got square ice cream cones. 

-Finished cleaning out the garage and kept working on the house. Brent kept working at the office and Gabe started working at Fred and Waynes with Papa for his FIRST paid job! He opened a bank account.

October:

-Passports got in the first of Oct. The day the passports got in was the day that Mimi really started to decline and her health was in (more) jeopardy. I spend all day and all night taking care of her. Helping her, getting things for her. She became completely bed ridden. I was worried about going to Colleen's wedding. We had originally planned to leave for Guatemala, but after seeing what happened with mom we postponed our plans.

-I was able to go to Nebraska to be part of Colleen's wedding. I'm so grateful that worked out! It was Oct. 9th.

-When I got back from Colleen's wedding I knew that mom was on the road to death. I called everyone. Mesha was able to fly into town Thursday Oct 14th. Kalea got into down Oct. 13th. I didn't realize how much of a burden I was carrying until they go there. Jonathan was able to make it for Sunday Oct. 17th. We had the most beautiful Sunday ever with Mimi before she passed away early morning on Monday Oct. 18th. Then we planned the funeral all the week and had her funeral on Friday Oct. 22nd.  What a whirlwind. there were so many people who came to her funeral, so many people who helped. So many family and friends who showed up. 

-AND we had ALL the boys birthdays in October as well. I was gone to Colleen's wedding on Elijah's birthday. Gabe's birthday was just three days after Mimi's funeral. The Joshua's two days after that. 

-Brent and the kids went to the Pocatello Temple Openhouse. We went to SLC for Halloween and saw and spent good time with Gayle. We went trick or treating with Julie, Jeff and Jace. 

-I got into crypto at the beginning of October. 

November:

-We told dad that we would stay through the holidays with him before going out of the country to Guatemala. He was very grateful. We tried to get back into somewhat of a normal routine after Mimi passed away. All the kids had lots of emotions to work through. We kept staying as grateful as possible that we got to spend the last two months of Mimi's life with her. One of the biggest tender mercies God has ever given to me!!

-Sang in Stake Conference as a family. Went to the "Inside Out Animal" museum, which was amazing.

-Finally finished the storage room project and got EVERYTHING DONE.

-Grandma Kvarfordt passed away on November 20th. Another loss. Another guardian angel. Heavy holiday seasons. 

-Krista, Al, their kids and Nana came up to Idaho Falls for Thanksgiving, we did the meal at their airbnb house. Mesha was with us because of coming up for Grandma's funeral. 

December:

-We started watching Autumn and Summer everyday! HUGE blessing for all of us to spend time with those little girls! And seeing the Merrells more often. 

-Did the Christmas program with the Ammon 4th ward. Saw the light parade. Got the house all decorated.(Scaled back, just the living room decorated this year instead of the whole house). Gabe still working at the shop. He did lots of hot chocolate stands outside on the corner as well. Lots of homeschool routine days. 

-Went to SLC for Palmer family pictures. Then the next weekend went to St. George for about 5 days to spend time with friends and family. Went caroling, live nativity with the Robbins, hiking, and enjoying as many people as possible. Stayed with Shirlyn and her family and Katie parked their trailer up there so we could spend as much time together as possible! Saw Shauna Little on our way back!

-Got back from St. George on Christmas Adam. Then it snowed for Christmas Eve and we had a wonderful Christmas day. We did service for 12 different families this year instead of 12 days of Christmas (we missed that tradition this year, but did our best to adjust... we'll do it again next year). 

-Making plans for the New Year and hopefully heading to Guatemala in January!

-We watched the Merrell kids between Christmas and New Years and had a good time with them! Played, went sledding, watched movies, had lots of hot chocolate and enjoyed time together.

Tender Mercy Gift Of A White Christmas From Mimi

 Dear Kids, 

Today is the day after Christmas. You all said yesterday at one time or another, "This is the best Christmas we've ever had!"

It does my heart good whenever you say something like that because EVERY YEAR you all say the same thing. Which means the love of Christmas is really rooting in your hearts, especially because I don't think we've done anything "that" different or more amazing, we've just kept with our traditions and stayed consistent and tried to do everything we could to be as service minded as possible and to make Christmas morning magical. 

Something that I experienced was very important for me to write down. 

We went down to St. George for about 6 days because we were missing our friends down there and missing out traditions that we had built with our community down there this year. We wanted to go caroling and we wanted to go to the live nativity, we wanted to spend time with friends and see people that we love and adore. We spent a lot of the time with Shirlyn Wanlass and Katie Vrajich and their families (we stayed with Shirlyn) - they are friends that have become like family. We did a lot of activities and were able to see a lot of people. Spend time with Mesha and her family and go caroling with Holly and Cory Larsen and their family. So many good memories. 

But something I didn't expect is when we came back and got back into Idaho, I really felt the loss of my mom after we got back. I have just been here through this whole experience and haven't had the "let down" of coming home and NOT having mom here. That happened to me this time around. I got back and the hole that she left and that I didn't have her to come to home to really hit me hard. The other thing that really hit me is as we were driving back into town I knew that our time here was done. I could just feel it. We have done with God sent us here to do - support mom and dad during her transition to the other side and get their house in order. We've been on a service mission for them. 

Then the next morning after getting back into town (it was the 23rd of December) there was a storm, but it was this wet, sleet storm. It kept hovering around 35*-37* and going back and forth to really wet sleet and rain. And it was brown EVERYWHERE, not beautiful December snow, but brown and ugly. And it TRIGGERED ME big time with missing my mom. 

My mom (Mimi) LOVED Christmas, everything about it. She loved white Christmas's especially, the beauty of the white everywhere. She loved everything about it. And she was the best gift giver. I realized that I didn't have a play for Christmas Eve because I had just come to rely on her Christmas Eve Box that she would send every year. We would always open that after lunch of Christmas Eve and we would have activities to do for the rest of the day with treats to make and movies to watch. Every year it was a fun theme and the kids looked forward to it so much. 

But this year as I watched the rain come down on December 23rd and I didn't have a Christmas Eve Box for the next day and it was brown and ugly, it triggered me SO MUCH with missing my momma. Man! My heart just fell and just ached ALL DAY. I went out and had to get my hair done, on my way home I went to her grave and just cried. I just said, "Mom... could you give my family the gift of a white Christmas this year? We've been here doing God's work, and for some reason it just wouldn't feel complete without a white Christmas to top it off. For my kids to see a good storm and to enjoy the snow falling down on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. They get this chance to be here during Christmas... please can you give us that gift this year? Please?". 

I just sat there and cried and cried. I miss her so much. I miss her smile. I miss her and how she was always looking for the good. She was always watching my kids, each of you, and seeing what you were good at and how to help to make you better. She was always thinking of what would be fun for you. When you woke up grumpy, she was the one who would try and figure out what was wrong so that you could feel better. She always saw everyone's heart, she always wanted everyone to feel happy and comfortable. She wanted everyone to always have a positive time and enjoy themselves, and never wanted contention around. That morning on the 23rd it added to the feeling of missing her because we had gotten in really late and you had all woken up SUPER grumpy and I just wanted her there to make it all better! Because she would! I miss how she always knew what to get and how to help the little kids make memories. 

Anyway, after I finished thinking of all the reasons I missed her and got all my tears out I headed home. I got back home and pulled myself up and finished off the day. We opened our pajamas that night because I missed her so much and I didn't want to wait anymore. 

But then guess what? The next morning we woke up to the BEST SNOW STORM EVER! It was picture perfect! It was white and beautiful and the snow flakes were falling and you all just thought it was the most amazing thing. As soon as I saw all the snow I started crying again. God heard me! He had answered my prayer and Mom had helped with it, I am SURE of that. She knew that my heart really wanted that as a Christmas present, and with her gift-giving abilities, she made sure it happened for me and my kids! Such a HUGE tender mercy. I kept telling you all over and over again that Mimi's gift to us this year was a White Christmas!

It snowed ALL Christmas Eve and then on Christmas morning as well. It was just what I had asked for. I know in the grand scheme of things that it seems like a small thing to have snow for Christmas, but for this heart it was HUGE, it was a grand tender mercy for God to say, "Andrea - I see you and your heart. I love you. Your mom wasn't going to let up until you had your white Christmas!"

Remember kids to look for the good. Always. Look for the ways you can help and lift others around you. Be a giver. 

Also remember in those weak moments when you are sad, that God wants to help you inside those moments too. And your guardian angels up in heaven are there to help with those petitions. 

I love you. And I know that Mimi loves you too. 

Love, 

Your Mom

Cleaning Out The Storage Room & Following The Prophet

Dear Kids, 

Something we have done so much of while we've been on this God appointed service mission is work on the storage room. It has been a CHORE. Quite the chore actually. 

I don't even know how to write about it except that I want to record and write about it so I don't forget! There's been a lot to do in the house since we've been here, and your dad has been a champ! BOYS - remember when you get married to treat your in-laws like your dad has treated his. He has always been respectful to Papa and Mimi and has always honored them. He has been awesome while we've been here, because most of what we've been able to accomplish I could not have done it without his help. He has been so unselfish about his time and energy, it's just been phenomenal. He has just always said, "God sent us here to do a lot of service. We are doing this for God." 

Your dad is a good man. Remember that.  (he doesn't look happy in this picture - but I promise he was a willing helper! haha!)

We cleaned out the storage room that hadn't been touched for at least 15-20 years. There were mice to be cleaned out, really rotten storage that had gotten wet, just so many parts of a very unpleasant job. but the thing I kept thinking is that we had to get it to the point where dad could really actually use the storage in an emergency situation. Now he really can. He can go down and he can find what he needs anytime he looks for it. And have a cleaned out bathroom to redo and an extra bed for adults! yay! When we finished that project we knew that was one of the reasons why we needed to be here was to physically get a lot done. 

But while we were working on it all I just thought of all the years that mom and dad had obeyed the counsel of the prophets to be prepared. We found cans from 1976!! It's amazing how long my parents have worked on following the prophets counsel. What a beautiful example of staying prepared. It was a sacred experience to do all that work on something that had taken a lifetime for my parents to put together. Amazing blessing to see the accumulation of all their dedicated years to following that counsel. And I know they were blessed for it throughout their whole lives. I know that. I know they were given so many blessings inside of it all. It's a great example for me to be humble and follow the counsel of the prophet and have faith in that counsel. 

That is a good thing for me to remember. 

I love you kids. Be prepared!

Your Mom

Watching Autumn & Summer, Remembering My Kids When They Were Little, Foundations 0-5 Years Old

 Dear Kids, 

Wow... I can't believe that I haven't written for a month... but then I can believe it. 

At the beginning of December I started to watch Shayla's little girls, Autumn and Summer. All of you have had so much fun with them and have been so happy that we've been able to hang out with them more. I told Talia that I would pay her to help me with them, and that has presented an amazing opportunity for her to be able to really bond with them, which is awesome. The other thing that has been beautiful about them being here is the way I've felt so connected to Shayla. She is around those girls all the time! She loves them so much! The first day that I put Summer down for a nap and she rested on my shoulder, I could feel Shayla put her hand on Summer's back and help me settle her down and I just cried and cried. It was beautiful. I miss Shayla so much!

I was telling your dad the other day that it's amazing to me how much time it takes to take care of little people! Now that my youngest is 5 years old, I am starting to go into another phase of parenting, and having another 5 year old and a 20 month old around has added an element of busy-ness that I have forgotten about until being involved in it again. Littles are just a lot of work!

But it's the best work in the world. Kids I want you to remember that there are SO MANY FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS when you spend time and raise children under 5 years old. I am being reminded of really how many layers of skills are taught to a child from the time they are a baby until they are 5 years old. It's amazing to me the foundational work it takes, the energy it takes, and the exhaustion that it causes. 

But really truly, it is the best work in the world. 

The time I spent with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU when you were really little was worth it. The time I spent with you being involved in every move I made - when I was loading the dishwasher and you wanted to be part of it and help me with every moment, the foundational skills of just putting your dirty clothes in the hamper (even though so often it seems like you forgot that skills with dirty clothes everywhere :-) ha!), the prayers that we say together, the reading that I did with you everyday with each of you sitting on my lap and listening to me read the same book to you over and over and over again (you never got tired of your favorite books!), when you would get mad and throw fits and I would have to take you to a time out, when you would touch something that you shouldn't and setting boundaries with you by squeezing your hand (and having to do that over and over again as well). 

Something I don't feel like I was prepared for when I became a parent was the amount of repetition that happened with so many things over and over again. Those foundational building blocks that teach you so much when you are just young. The kindness that we show to each other, learning how to talk kindly and ask politely, learning how to listen and be patient, learning how to obey immediately, looking at each other in the eyes, responding correctly... so many foundational skills. There were lots of times when you were all so young that I had no idea if I was making any kind of a difference, but looking back on it, it is ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Those foundational years are years that you will never have back with your children. They seem so insignificant, when in reality they are EXTREMELY significant, inside of all the building blocks for the rest of your life. 

There are lots of things that I have done right and that I have done wrong as a mother. But something I know is that I am trying to learn from all of them, all the moments I can, I'm trying to learn from them as much as I can in order to be a little bit better everyday. 

When you have your own children and you are "stuck" in the mundane and "boring" parts of parenting, the repetition of small skills that have to happen over and over again, the schedule that happens over and over again... it can seem so tedious and monotonous, but believe me it is worth all the energy. And sometimes your humanity takes over and you just get tired of all the energy output... and that's okay. Sometimes you lose your patience and the mom monster comes out and you have no idea that it was even a part of your soul before it shows up for the first time... but remember that we ALL have those moments and you just have to keep learning from them. Keep learning from the moments that build on each other. 

These are all the things that I've been thinking and pondering on since watching the little girls. Just thinking so much about all of you when you were all so young and when I was putting foundational skills and love into you and your development and I had no idea how important it REALLY was. I always knew how much I wanted to be a mom, but I had no idea what it would teach me about EVERYTHING. 

Growing a family is like a garden. It's the perfect analogy for it. Everyday you have to weed it, pay attention to it, leave it alone to just soak in the sun, nurture it, and be SO PATIENT to really see the results. 

When you are parents, keep your perspective. You can do it! You will be amazing parents, all of you! You all have amazing strengths and all of you have your weaknesses that will be refined as you experience so many things in life. But remember that your mom ALWAYS believes in you, no matter what!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Being Sick, Jesus Coming, Giving Me A Blessing, Sharing My Burdens

 Dear Kids,

There was an experience I need to tell you about while I haven't been feeling well.

Your Papa and I got sick with (I think) the most recent Covid bug. We didn't get tested but had all the symptoms. We have both had it before, luckily we have anti-bodies to help with the process. But for a few days I REALLY didn't feel well at all. 

I was achy all over my body, it felt like my body was hurting from a fever but I never really had a fever, just aches and pains all over my joints and muscles. It was just miserable. I had a cough and got ahead of the cough part of it luckily. Nothing ever accumulated in my lungs too much. It was the fatigue and aches and pains that were the worst. 

It started the Tuesday before Grandma Kvarfordts graveside service. It felt yucky, but I was functional. Then Wednesday was her graveside and I was starting to feel the fatigue. Thursday I felt awful, Friday and Saturday were the worst. Kalea was there and helped to doctor me up on Wednesday, Mesha helped me on Thursday and Friday. 

I didn't go to church on Sunday and I went and took a bath. I just sat there in the tub and was praying to feel better. Then something beautiful happened. Jesus came to me while I was praying and He said he was there to give me a blessing. He put His hands on my head and blessed me with the capacity to handle expanding stewardships and especially going through the coming days with what those expanded stewardships equal with my energy. Then I was telling Him that I felt the heaviness of everything in my shoulders and back and it just felt SO HEAVY. 

Then He did something really fascinating. Usually when I feel things in my body and I have moments with Jesus I will empty it from my body and put it in my Jesus bag. But He didn't do that this time. Instead this time He took pains and aches from my shoulders and back, it came out of me in little squares, kind of like small bricks, then He passed them down to women in my family line. Then He said, "It won't be heavy if you share it with the women who love you." Then He kept taking the pieces out of my back and shoulders and kept passing it down. They were all very willingly taking those portions of the heaviness from my body and held them for me, He told me that is what they are there for, to work together with what is happening in my life while I'm on earth, and dividing up the emotional and spiritual stewardships that felt heavy in my body is the way to make it through. It was a BEAUTIFUL experience. There were women there from hundreds of years back. It was just amazing, I felt so loved and so SEEN by all of them. And they took it very willingly and wanted to help me carry it. They didn't take it and solve it, not just what happens when I give something to Jesus, but they are helping me carry it all. It was especially wonderful because I have felt pain in my shoulders for quite some time, and I know a huge portion of that is because of the burdens I have been carrying and they were getting really heavy. And to know that I could divide up my burdens and the women who know EXACTLY what it's like to go through what I'm experiencing are all there to help me carry them. 

Then I asked Him about when I could feel better, that I didn't want to be sick. Then He said, "Really Andrea?" Jesus told me that I'll feel better as soon as I decide and that in reality, "you like feeling this way because you like it when Brent takes care of you. As soon as your bucket is filled sufficiently then you will feel better." It was an interesting correspondence with the truth in my conscious. As soon as He said that I knew He was right. While I hadn't felt well Brent was taking amazing care of me, and in reality I liked it. I wanted it. I wanted to feel his care for me and I wanted him to fill up my bucket in that way. So I was

getting exactly what I wanted. Really we usually get what we want., even when we aren't willing to admit to ourselves. 

After that Jesus left and I was able to get up and out of the tub. Brent doctored me up some more with essential oils on my back and spine and then I went to bed. The next day I was able to get up and function. It was exactly what I needed to happen. It was beautiful. 

I love My Savior. I love Him. He is the captain of my soul. I hope you know this about me kids. That Jesus IS THE WAY. He is the way. Develop a relationship with Him. Imagine Him coming to visit you, and in reality you are spiritual creating experiences together with Him that will stay with you your entire life. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Mimi Validating Me, "It's NO Small Thing What You've Done Here"

 Dear Kids, 

I was talking with Papa the other day about things that Mimi experienced in her life. And I just think about her and I am just amazed at her. Honestly I am. 

There were things I had to work through about her (and guess what... every child has things they have to personal work through with their parents, it's definitely a part of life, and that's okay! You will have things you have to process about me and dad, and that's okay! Just make sure not to let it make you strangers. Process through whatever you have to, then look for the good!)... but the majority of the time I am just amazed at her. She lost her parents so close together. She was 40 when she lost her mom to ovarian cancer, and then 10 days later her dad had a massive heart attack and died. She had to work through things with Papa and his family when Kevin (Papa's brother) committed suicide, then Mimi's brother Brad went to Mexico and was thrown in prison and had to work on getting him out. There were so many things financially with the business that Mimi and Papa had to always work through, and just a lot of heavy stuff. I know Mimi had PTSD a bit because she admitted that to me, she looked at me one day and said, "I think I have PTSD about everything from 20 years ago that I have had to learn how to work through."

Anyway, Papa and I were talking about everything she went through and Papa at one point said, "She had it tougher than you kids did when she lost her parents." And I agreed with him. 

But right after the conversation was finished I was heading to the kitchen and I felt my mom, Mimi. She said to me, "Andrea, don't minimize what you have done here and the service you have given while you have been here. What you have done here is NO SMALL THING." It shocked me a bit because it was a bit out of the blue to feel her so strongly. But it was EXACTLY when I needed to hear from her. 

I needed that validation to realize and admit and allow myself to feel the gravity of the weight that I have felt while being here. And no one understands that more than my mom!! She had to do it with her parents and take care of everything. I took that role for her and my dad while being here. I needed the validation especially because I tend to minimize what I go through compared to what other people go through. I can always see how other people's stories are "harder" than mine. 

But my mom came to tell me NOT to do that. I can't minimize anything because the service that your dad and I have given while we've been here has been NO SMALL THING. It truly hasn't been. And God has sent us on this service mission for my parents and in reality for my whole family. What we are doing here benefits dad for sure, but more than anything it benefits my siblings for the time (if it comes) that we have to either move my dad out, or when he passes away and we have to go through everything. 

I needed it. I needed my mom to validate that. I needed her in that moment and I didn't even realize it. How amazing that she can come to me exactly when I need her, even when I don't realize that I needed it. I am so grateful for that. It is almost relieving to know that she can know what I'm thinking and feeling so that I don't have to hide anything from her. She can help me. And she has the perfect capabilities of doing so. 

She placed in me the strength to do what I've needed to do there. Now I know in her physical body she chose to hold things in a lot and I know that caused her a lot of anxiety and emotional pain. And SHE knows that about herself. Anything that I might be holding in my body that can cause DIS-EASE she will be able to see and help me through. And I won't even really have to say anything because she could feel it. 

I can feel that I have things I need to "take off the shelf". As I've been here the last while, especially before mom passes away, I would feel things and I would intentionally, "Put them on a shelf" in a space in my heart to be able to work through later when Jesus helped me take them off. I needed to do that because we had so much physical work to do that I didn't have a lot of time for emotional work. But now there is time for that emotional work, and I don't want those things to get "stuck on that shelf". But now my mom will be able to help me with it too. I'm so grateful. I can feel there is a lot there to work through. A lot within the grief I feel. 

I love you kids. I know sometimes I don't hold space for you and what you are currently feeling sometimes because of everything happening in my life right now. But please know that I really am doing my best. I truly am. I am giving my best to you all the time because I adore you, I love you, I cherish you, and I'm so grateful to be your mom! So grateful! 

I Love you, 

Your Mom

Grandma Kvarfordt (Your Great Grandma Kvarfordt) passed Away

 Dear Kids, 

My grandma Kvarfordt, your Great Grandma Kvarfordt, passed away yesterday morning (November 20th) at 6am. She was ready to go. She definitely has been missing Grandpa, who passed away three years ago, also on November 20th! She lost two sons before. Kevin, her oldest, committed suicide many years ago when I was a teenager. Her son Matt passed away a couple years ago as well from a drug overdose. Her father also passed away when she was only 5 years old. All her parents on the other side were so glad to see her and I KNOW she had a wonderful reunion.

It's interesting, how close we feel to those on the other side. I have felt Mimi and Shayla so much since they passed, but in reality I didn't have a really close relationship with my grandma. She always loved me. We were always welcome in her house. I remember playing hide and seek, playing with her music boxes, going to her house for food and gathering as a family, but I don't remember a lot of times that she reached out to me to be with me. She had a lot of anger toward people and she had a lot of forgiving to do. I hope that the last few days before she passed away, when she was not coherent, that she had a chance to meet with Jesus and go through the things in her heart a little bit before she passed through the veil.

It is a good lesson to learn. She didn't do much to cultivate relationships on her own, she always welcomed us when we came over, but she didn't reach out hardly at all. That has been difficult over the years because of losing my other grandparents when I was so young. And you know, it's interesting to think about it because ever since she and my Grandpa left the church, that is when it really started to pull into themselves without reaching out. 

You all know how that feels to lose a close grandparent when you are young since Mimi passed away. You were all close to her and she always reached out to you and made sure to send you gifts, called you on special days, she was reaching out in every way that was in her personal power, especially when she was so ill. It is so important to have grandparents who love you and reach out to you. I want to remember that for my grandchildren. That reaching out to them and remembering them is SO IMPORTANT.

But, I also try to look at the bright side as well. And that is that she always smiled at me, she always was happy to see me when we went over. She loved holding my babies when she was physically capable. I have her beautiful alto voice, whenever I sing anywhere in Idaho Falls when people have heard her sing, they say to me, "Your have your grandmothers amazing, rich, beautiful voice!". My dad, your papa, told me that he remembers going to different wards to listen to her sing, she was invited so many places to sing and sing and sing. And I'm so grateful that she passed that down to me. So grateful. 

I miss my mom. A lot. I miss Shayla. A lot. I feel them and they talk to me. I have felt like my relationship with Shayla has just soared since she passed away and I'm SO GRATEFUL for that. I wonder if maybe I could work through my feelings and have a better relationship with my Grandma Kvarfordt as well now that she's on the other side and feeling better. I wonder. I think I might try that. And I think I have feelings I need to work through toward her as well, and I need to forgive her. 

Going through so much death in one year is a heavy thing. Even though it was good for Grandma to go, it is still heavy. It is still a loss. And I want to honor those feelings because I think they are important to honor. I don't want to get stuck there, but I also realize that it doesn't do any good for anyone if they are buried inside of me. So I am going to work on that. I am going to work on forgiving my Grandma, I am going to ask for a better relationship with her. I am going to start to do more work on my heart with Jesus through this grief and make sure nothing is welling up inside of me that would cause anger or bitterness. 

I love you kids. I know you have been to a lot of funerals this year. And I know that this year for you hasn't been easy either. You are all building muscle of resilience and understanding because of these experiences, and I want to make sure to hold space for your feelings inside of your personal experiences with it all. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Primary Program In Idaho With Papa, Feeling Mimi and Jesus

 (picture from the Christmas program, since I couldn't take a picture during sacrament meeting ;-) )

Dear Kids, 

Today was the primary program for the ward. 

It is Talia's LAST program! I remember when I was almost 12 years old and it was my last primary program. I remember that I was SO OVER PRIMARY! I was thinking about that when I was watching Talia sing and do her part. I can't believe how grown up you are Talia. You are beautiful and so confident. You have a wonderful smile and you are such an amazing friend. I'm so proud of who you are and your magnificent soul! You told the primary President that if anyone dropped out because of travel or sickness that you would help to fill in their spot. You are really good at that, you are really good on your feet and thinking quick. 

Joshua was standing in the front, sitting in Papa's bishop's chair. That was fun! He was just singing super loud and confident. There was a boy in the class that was twirling around in front of him and he kept rolling his eyes at him. It was so funny! Joshua, you did your part so well and you were so articulate for your age. That is definitely a strong suite for you. I was proud of you, especially because I know it was a challenge to get up in front of so many people. There were several times that I looked at you and you just smiled really big. 

Elijah, you were in the very back and you were so good! I kept waiting to see if you were going to get squirmy and cause any trouble back there, but you were so focused on everything, all the songs and your speaking part. I told you after, "Hey! You did great. I kept looking at you to see if you would look at me and you never looked down at me!". You responded, "Well mom, I had to keep looking at the words. I couldn't look at you. Hello!" hahaha! It was funny. 

While I was watching the whole thing transpire I just kept having these thoughts of time flashing before my eyes. All my babies used to be in primary. Now Gabe is out in Young Men's and Talia is almost in Young Women's. It's crazy how much you are growing. I actually really love it! I love seeing your development and your abilities. But while I was watching the program I got so emotional. 

My babies are all growing up!

You are all growing! My time with you is elapsing before my eyes! 

I just love you so much. I wish that I could express how much I LOVE YOU. 

At the end of the program you all sang, "I Feel My Savior's Love" and you used sign language while you were singing. It was BEAUTIFUL. 

I felt Mimi there watching you and she told me, "Your children are beautiful Andrea. They are such great kids." 

When I felt that from her I just started bawling. I thought to myself, "Yes they are! They are amazing!" When the words "He knows I will follow Him, Give All my Life To Him, I feel my Savior's Love, the Love He FREELY gives me" were sung I had tears streaming down my face. 

I just felt in my heart that the Savior said, "Yes Andrea, I know that you follow Me. I know that you have given all your life to Me. I know you feel my love, the love I freely give you." It was so powerful and beautiful, and so appropriate that it came from the mouths of my babies. 

I love you kids, so much. 

Your Mom

Joshua's Big Questions About God and Resurrection At Bedtime

 Dear Kids,

The innocence combined with the wisdom of childhood is just amazing to me. 

Tonight while I was tucking in Joshua for bed he started asking some REALLY big questions. He just turned 5 like a month ago. :-) 

"Mom, how are our spirits made in heaven?"

"When was Jesus alive?"

"How long as God been God?"

"Mom how do our spirits and our bodies work together? And when does that happen?"

"So when Mimi is resurrected she won't have to use her walker anymore?"

"When are we going to be resurrected?"

"How long until Jesus will be here with us actually here?"

Answering these questions were really quite fulfilling and fun. I told him that he has a mom and dad in heaven just like he has a mom and dad on earth. That his Heavenly Father and Mother made his spirit, then his dad and I made his body and they came together. That Jesus was alive about 2,000 years ago and He was resurrected and that He gave everyone a permanent gift of being resurrected with a perfect body. That's when he brought up Mimi and just asked about her and her body and he said so beautifully, "You mean Mimi won't have her walker anymore?" Then he looked at me and just SMILED. He understood what that meant. I told him that she was going to be able to run and play with him and how amazing that will be! He just smiled bigger. 

Oh the beauty and innocence of being a child... but they ALWAYS blow me away with questions they ask and how inquisitive they are. And how willing to just LEARN. It is beautiful and I love it. 

Joshua, thank you for teaching me tonight. Reminding me that the knowledge that I have is AMAZING. That the beauty of the reality of the gospel is just THE BEST EVER. My appreciation for the doctrine of the resurrection has been so profoundly influenced by watching Shayla in the process of losing her body and Mimi in the process of dying until the last breath. Just the reality that this body of ours is just a vessel for our profound souls, that's it. Who we are is our SOUL. 

Until you've seen someone you love SO MUCH really on the edge of death and actually dying, the profound nature of the doctrine of resurrection just comes alive within your soul. 

I love you kids. Keep asking questions. Keep being inquisitive. 

Your Mom

Communion Experience: My Mom, Feelings To Be Released From My Throat

 

(This is a general keeping of my experiences with my personal communion during my meditation/prayer time. I want to make sure to write these down as they come so I don't forget them and for the experiences to be sealed to me.)

This morning was the first time that I had taken a moment to meditate for a while. It felt good to set apart some time for that specific communion. 

Brent said it really well... he mentioned the other day when he sat down to meditate that he was immediately able to "go to that space" where the spirit has taught him to go. He felt badly that he hadn't taken the time to meditate for a while and was apologizing and the spirit basically told him, "this space is available to you anytime you need it. You have worked hard to be able to get to this space, it is always open for you."

That is the same way that I felt when I started my meditation this morning. I did my normal opening of my heart and mind to the spirit with the phrases, "Let my eye be single to Thy Glory (while seeing myself with my spiritual eyes reaching up to heaven with the energy of my soul reaching to the heavens) so my whole body may be filled with light (then seeing light coming from heaven down into my body, filling me up from the crown of my head to my feet)." Then I repeat that as many times as I feel like I need to in order for my purpose to be one with Jesus, My Heavenly Parents and any angels that need to be with me that day. 

Today I knew that I needed to do some internal work together with my mom. Last night in my prayers I was telling Heavenly Father that I knew that I had some walls up with her somewhere and I wanted to make sure to get those healed. As soon as I invited that experience to come to me she was IMMEDIATELY there with me. She basically said to me, "I understand we have some work we need to do."

Wow... it felt good. I think it especially felt good because there were some things and conversations that we never talked about. Mostly because there were topics that my mom just wouldn't touch. Death was one of them. She wouldn't talk about her own death or anyone's death. About five days before she passed away she finally said, "I told Heavenly Father in my prayers last night that I will do whatever He wants me to do. Your dad and I have so many plans, but if they aren't according to His will, I told Him it was okay." That was the first time I heard her talk about death. Years ago when I asked her if she had ever written her funeral plans she just brushed it off and said, "I'm just going to be translated, you won't need to worry about that." It was a subject that you just didn't breach. So when she got really sick a few years ago, I wanted to talk about what was going on in her body and she just wouldn't talk about anything major. 

I feel like now I have a better understanding of her "why" inside of that. She didn't want anyone to feel traumatized by her having ovarian cancer. She didn't want to be a burden to any of us, she wanted us to be moms and focus on our families, not on her. She did it from a very unselfish motive, and I feel like since she passed away I have had a chance several times to feel her heart and her motives and they were purely unselfish. I have had to "rewrite" the story that I told myself for a while about her. And that in and of itself has been very healing. 

But today when I wanted to go to that spiritual place with her and the things in my heart that I was holding specifically about her, she was there and ready to do the work with me. 

The first thing I was told to do was to find where all my feelings about her, feelings I could articulate and even feelings I couldn't really give words to, that were just feelings, and feel where they were residing in my body. Immediately I could feel them in my lower throat area. Not fully in my chest, but just right above my stomach and heart area, just right below my vocal chords. THAT is where all the feelings were. Which was interesting since I never really felt like I was able to say things to her that I really wanted to... for a lot of years there were things that I wanted to talk with her about, that I just never did talk with her about because of the walls that she had up about the certain topics. There were actually several topics that I remember I was really frustrated about at the time, but I can't even fully remember. 

However, there were lots of feelings that were just there and sitting there. Things I didn't even have words for... I just know in that area below my vocal chords it was tight and bound up. 

So we started to work on it together. And when I say that I say that in my mind's eye I could see that I needed to take those feelings out and put them in the "Jesus Bag" (I've told about that exercise before). When I knew I needed to take them out with the rope that was tied to them and put them in the Jesus Bag immediately I actually responded very hesitantly. 

Here I was with my mom, finally addressing things that I wanted to address for a while. I wanted privacy in it! I wanted quality time! I wanted to do this work with her alone so I could just be with her because I miss her and I want my momma. 

But my mom was so sweet, she just communicated with me that we couldn't do it without Jesus. It took me several minutes to allow my feelings to open and let Him come. He was IMMEDIATELY available to me and immediately there. But guess how thoughtful He is? The first thing He said was, "Andrea, I know you want your time. I'll just be over here while you work on this together and I'll be ready whenever you are." He knew how I was feeling. 

So I started to release the feelings in that area of my body by moving the "cord of feeling" from my body and I pulled it out in a continuous string until it got to Jesus's bag. And you know what happened? It started moving UP! The feeling moved from that area and started moving UP in my body, to my vocal chords, then right above them, then right at the back of my tongue... etc. As we kept pulling on the string/cord that had all the feelings in it the feeling kept getting higher and higher and started coming out of my mouth. 

At one point my mom was pulling in the cord because I just sat there. She was pulling on it with so much energy and moving it out me SO QUICKLY. She didn't want that in there and residing in my. She wanted it out of my body. She was moving out of me with lightening speed. It was amazing and she was moving it right to the Jesus bag. 

At one point I kept getting interrupted by Joshua. And of course my mom, understanding the essence of motherhood and how she always wanted me to be available to my family, she just paused and waited. Then every time I closed my eyes and we resumed right where we left off. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It felt really good. 

I wasn't able to move it all out of me. We stopped about when the feeling was at the middle of my mouth area. Then I was getting interrupted too much. She just said, "We'll work on it more tomorrow." Then she and Jesus just sat and watched me for a minute while I hugged and helped Joshua, then it felt like they left together... knowing that we would continue the "session" at another time. 

It was BEAUTIFUL. And so healing. I needed it. I needed the time with her. I needed to know how willing she was to address things that never were addressed and had lodged in my system. In her physical state there were certain topics and feelings that she just couldn't address. But it feels like she can now. She knows there's healing to be done in that way and I'm excited to see what else needs to come out and how else it can be healed. 

Joshua, The Obstacle Course, Feeling Frozen & Overcoming

 Dear Kids, 

The other day we went to the park for about 45 minutes to kill some time, and to take advantage of the good weather in Idaho in November as long as we could!

At one point Talia wanted me to do an obstacle course and time it. So we took turns going through the course and it was a lot of fun. 

Toward the end of when we were tiring out, Joshua decided he wanted to go through the course as well. He got to a part in the course when there were some funny twists and turns. He was there looking ahead of him and then he just started to cry, "Mom! I can't do it! I'm going to fall!"

"Joshua, it's okay, I'm right here. I'll show you what to do."

"Mom! I just want you to do it for me. Can you just do it for me?"

"Buddy, I can show you where to put your feet, and what to do. I'll be right here and you won't fall. If you fall I'll catch you."

"No mom! I'll fall! I'm scared!"

"Okay buddy. You can get down. You don't have to do this."

"No mom! I want to finish! I don't want to get down."

"Okay, I'll show you where to put your feet and I'll be right here if you fall." I started moving his foot and leg to where it would be safe to keep going. But through tears he just freaked out.

"No mom! Don't move me! I'm too scared. I'm going to fall!" He is just SOBBING by this point.

"Okay buddy, I'll lift you and get you down."

"NO MOM! I can't get down. I have to do this! I need to finish, I can't get down. I'm scared!"

On and on and on and on we went. We kept going around and around and around this conversation. Joshua desperately wanted to finish and keep going. But any time he tried to move his feet he just froze with fear because he was so scared that he was going to fall. So I would try to move his feet for him and he would scream. So then I would tell him I could just get him down and he would refuse because he wanted to finish so badly. We went around like this for awhile.

The whole time I was thinking, Wow... isn't this just like life? Here we are in hard moments of life. Jesus is right there to catch us if we fall, but it feels so scary to move because we don't want to fall., but we don't want to give up either. So we sometimes feel frozen, unable to move, but we know that we have to keep going forward. That forward is the only way to go. And the whole time our Heavenly Parents and Jesus are right there to help us along. Sometimes we refuse their help. Sometimes we just want to do it on our own. but we are so afraid of failing. 

So guess what helped? I told him, "Joshua, how about I show you how to do it, so you see what to do and that it can work and you won't fall?"So I got up and I showed him where to put his hands and feet as I went ahead of him. 

That finally broke his panic. I gave him the example and where to exactly put his hands and where to put his feet. 

Just like Jesus and our Heavenly Parents. 

They have gone before us. They know everything that we are feeling and experiencing because they have done it before. They know the twists and turns! But they can't do it for us... we have to do it ourselves with our own feet and our own hands until we feel comfortable. 

The next time around the obstacle course Joshua was able to get through it just fine without stops or panic. 

Everything in life teaches us kids. Look for the moments to be taught, and how our Heavenly Parents teach us, just like we learn how to teach our own children. 

I love you all so much. 

Your Mom

Scripture Study Journals & Joshua

 Dear Kids, 

Today I went and got some scripture study journals for the oldest three (Gabe, Talia, Elijah). I've been wanting all of you to personally study more in your scriptures, but you've needed help. So I went and got some study journals that will hopefully help you. 

While I was there I didn't even think about getting anything for Joshua because he can't write yet and I just knew I would read a scripture picture book with him. So when I got home I had three journals with me, but nothing for Joshua. 

Well, I laid the journals out on the table and I talked with the older kids about them and what they were for. They were excited and grabbed their journals. In the meantime, while I was explaining the journals, Joshua just sat there, starting to compute that he didn't get anything. He looked up at me, with big tears welling up in his eyes and said, "Mom... you forgot about me!". 

Of course, when I realized that he totally felt completely left out I felt awful. I just said, "Oh buddy! I didn't get you one because you can't write yet."

"But mom... I want to read scriptures too! I want a journal too!"

"I'm so sorry buddy... will you forgive me? I didn't forget about you, we'll go on Monday and get a journal for you. I'm so sorry."

"Okay mom... that's okay. We'll go together."

It took him about 10 minutes to really shake it off. It was a good reminder that no matter how old someone is, they don't want to be left out! It was a blonde moment for me because I just didn't even compute about it for Joshua since it was a goal for the older kids. 

So, mom's make mistakes sometimes, and guess what? You just have to keep forgiving me because I'm on this journey of learning just like you all are. We'll just keep helping each other back to heaven, together. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Heavenly Mother Experiences & Thoughts

 Dear Kids, 

I listened to a podcast today about Heavenly Mother. I realized that I haven't written very many experiences that I have had with Heavenly Mother and I need to remedy that. 

First off... I grew up in a home where I never felt "less than" just because I am a girl. Since becoming an adult I have realized how unique that really was. I always felt like I could do anything I wanted to. And I never felt like I was "less than" just because I didn't hold priesthood offices. I just understood that the stewardships were different from each other. My mom and dad always held us girls in the highest respect. 

Now with adult eyes I understand that there were so many girls growing up in my generation that never really felt that way. It makes me sad... but I also understand where they are coming from in their desire to know more about Heavenly Mother and what that means for us as women to want to become like HER. As a Goddess. My highest potential is not Heavenly Father, it is Heavenly Mother. Understanding the differences there, the divine, unique differences and why they are so important, is really paramount inside of understanding who I am as a woman. 

Anyway, today while I was listening to the podcast I realized how many experiences I have had with Heavenly Mother and that it is pretty unique. There are many people who don't know how to build a relationship with her, for good reason, because there isn't any "formal" way of being taught how to interact with her. But in a way that makes it REALLY special because of how individual it can be. 

Some of my most potent experiences have been in my eye of faith/meditation communion with the heavens. As part of my practice I go into a temple space after getting into the place of communion. As I enter the initiatory area of renewal for my body several times it's been Heavenly Mother who has come to me to administer to me. It's powerful and beautiful. She touches me and bestows light upon me. It sounds more simple than it really feels. Because the feeling is all encompassing and powerful. It is renewing and magnificent. As I go through the body scan that the initiatory teaches us, SHE is the one who is touching me and explaining it to me and helping me communicate with my body, organs and different areas. 

I told a few friends about these experiences and I just started crying because of how sacred they are. I actually haven't had an experience like that for quite a few months with everything that has been going on and while I was talking about it I felt like, "Oh! I want to make time for that again! I need that!".

Going into my eye of faith/meditation communion with God has taught me so much. And it has opened my spiritual eyes in a way that has just floored me in the last few years. There's so much that I can see and understand and feel, and it is because I dedicated myself to build that muscle of the eye of faith and seeing with my spiritual eyes. The stronger my spiritual eyes become, and the more I give credit to God and I recognize and BELIEVE all these experiences, the more experiences I have. 

So kids, my Heavenly Mother loves me. Something else to keep in mind is that I really think there are MANY Heavenly Mothers. I don't know how all of it works, but MY Heavenly Mother loves me. She's nurtured me in a way that is amazing. I wonder if the family lines have a lot to do with Heavenly Mother. I don't know how it all works. but I know she knows me. And I think there's a lot more to discover and understand, especially about my own motherhood and my own mother from HER. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Reminder Of The Moments I Have Left With My Kids

 Dear Kids, 

Today was Joshua's birthday. He turned five years old today! It's crazy how fast you are all growing. When you become parents, so many people will tell you that it goes by so fast... and it's true! Mimi would always say that, "The days are long... but the years are short." And it's exactly true.

I had a moment when we were out at the jump house today that I want to tell you about. Joshua requested to go to the jump house for part of his birthday "yes" day. While we were all there, I was jumping with you guys and having a great time. Then all of a sudden "100 Years To Live" came on. That song talks about that you are 12 for a moment, then 33 for a moment, then 70 for a moment... and keeps talking about these moments through your life and you only have so long to live. 

I just started crying in the middle of the jump house! I thought about Mimi and her moments. I thought about her life and then I thought about my life with you as your mom and I just stood there, on the dodgeball court while you were throwing balls right at me, and I couldn't stop looking at all of you and seeing all these "moments" flash before my eyes until all of a sudden you will be grown and out of the house. 

I only have you for a moment of your life. Just a few short years. Since Mimi passed away I have had a GREATER desire to spend EVERY waking moment with each of you and being your mom. I just want to soak it in because I can see that these moments are flashing right before my eyes and I want to enjoy all of them. 

We are only here for a moment of our eternal existence, and during that moment of physical life I get you to myself for just a small time period of that. I am humbled to think that God gave all of you to me and that I get to be WITH YOU all and how amazing you all are. I love you so much and I want to just LOVE you all like crazy. 

I know that life will keep hitting me in the face and the stress of it all, but I am going to make it a constant prayer to Mimi to help me to enjoy the moments with you, because they are fleeting and they are going fast. 

I love you kids. So much.

Your Mom

Story With Mimi And Ovarian Cancer

 Dear Kids, 

There have been several things in the last week that have been new revelation for me and for us as a family about the whole situation with Mimi. 

Mimi was very private about a lot of things, but she had a very difficult time talking about death. She wouldn't talk to Shayla about death at all and never really had closure with her. I know that was something that was very painful for Shay especially because she wanted to have closure with Mom. 

We all knew that mom was declining quite a bit, especially after the silent heart attack that she had in Feb of 2018. She never would talk about it, but we obviously saw the her stomach kept getting bigger and bigger. We knew there was a tumor in there and mom wouldn't really talk about it or go see anyone about it. There were lots of stories I told myself about the whole situation... specifically that she wouldn't go see anyone because of anxiety and it really bothered me because I felt like she was being selfish because she just "couldn't handle going to see someone". I was really upset with her for a period of time because I felt like she was being selfish about it and not thinking about dad specifically and how it was affecting him. 

Well, after she passed away and Kalea, Mesha and I were driving to the funeral home with dad he told us something very interesting things that have totally changed my thought processes about it all. 

He told us that he and mom knew that she had ovarian cancer. They knew it before even the silent heart attack that happened. They actively decided together that they were not going to tell anyone and mom wanted to treat it at home with natural means. They decided this because they knew that Grandma Connell had died of ovarian cancer and she had done chemo which caused the cancer to metastasize and put her in so much pain, that mom had to witness. She saw the pain that grandma was in and how much work she had to put in in order for her to be comfortable. 

She, together with dad, decided that they did not want to put us kids in that position to be worried about mom "having cancer". She also knew that her pain levels wouldn't be horrible if the cancer didn't metastasize. At the end of her life she was uncomfortable, but she wasn't in thriving pain like Grandma and Shayla were. 

Tracy, Papa's brother, is an OBGYN and when papa was talking about it all with him at the funeral Tracy confirmed that Mimi was very smart in what she did. He said they haven't made a lot of advances in ovarian cancer and the best way to get rid of it is just to have a hysterectomy. But because her tumors presented before she could have that done, it would have ruptured the tumors, and caused horrible deterioration from cancer. Tracy confirmed that mom's route of treating it was actually the much smarter route in order to be in the least amount of pain possible. That was interesting coming from Tracy who knows so much about it because of his profession. 

Papa also pointed out that Mimi out lived Shayla by at least 1.5 years going the natural route. They knew about the cancer before Shayla was diagnosed, and after Shayla was diagnosed they DEFINITELY didn't want to say anything because they wanted Shayla to have the lime light and not mom. Mom didn't want to take our energy away from focusing on Shayla, and so she "took the hit" so to speak. 

It was a very active choice in order to keep us girls as safe emotionally as we could and not be traumatized by her being in horrible pain at the end of her life and so Dad could stay in as Bishop and so that Shayla could have our help and mom didn't want to be a bother. 

It has re-written so many stories I told myself in my head about the whole situation. It actually makes me reverence Mimi even more with how unselfish she is. 

Her whole motivation was not because of anxiety, but because she loved us so much she didn't want to put us through watching her to chemo, like she had to watch her mom. She loved Shayla so much that she put herself off in order for Shayla to have the focus of the family. She loved dad so much that she didn't want to put his calling in jeopardy by saying anything that would cause him to be released. She was amazing. Her unselfishness was phenomenal. She did what she thought was best in order to stop the "traditions of the mothers" with ovarian cancer and not cause trauma to us by taking her of her in extended ways. 

That was something at the end of her life she was really worried about. She didn't want to cause any of us trauma or the grandkids trauma. 

But I look at it and I think to myself, What an amazing mom that she would always put herself second to the needs of her children? I love her so much. I love her example so much. 

There is a big part of me that wishes we could have had more open discussion about it and that our lips didn't have to be so tight about certain things in our family. There were lots of things in Mimi's heart that were just closed off. But I have a lot more empathy about that now, with adult understanding. 

Every generation has their thing to "break" in order for the next generation to keep improving more and more. That was her thing she wanted to break. So I am going to work on open communication and being more of an open book for my kids. And I also know that there was some sexual trauma somewhere back in her line that caused the ovarian cancer in the first place. I need to do some work and prayer about that one, find who it was so it can be release. 

And I'm going to be tested right now so I can get a head of it if I have generational markers for this particular cancer. 

I love you kids. I love you so much. I know Mimi loves you too. She will always be with you. Remember that she has quite a legacy and I'm forever grateful to call her my mom. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Tender Mercies From God Throughout The Week

 

List of tender mercies throughout the last days of Mom's life:

-Jonathan listening to the spirit to come immediately and not wait for Tuesday to see her. 

-Mesha being able to get a flight on Friday and that it all worked out for her to come as quickly as she did. 

-That Kalea had already planned on coming that Thursday and it was a time that Ben already had off from work. 

-Coming back from Walmart from the errand and being able to get oxygen back on mom before she dipped every further down in her oxygen count... and that she didn't die in her sleep because of pulling her oxygen off.

-Blake being off of work the Sunday that he needed to come and say goodbye to her. 

-Lorie feeling like she needed to come over to see her and that mom was so comfortable with her seeing her in a "diaper"... it was good for our hearts to see how comfortable she was with Lorie and didn't worry about it. 

-That our family listened to God and we spent the last 2 months of Mimi's life with her, bonding with her, loving each other, learning from her, spending quality time here with her. 

-That we were able to get the house completely cleaned out before anything happened to her so we could just focus on her and not worry about the mess of the space.

-That her wedding photos and pictures weren't ruined in the flood and Kalea was able to find them quickly in the greenhouse.

-Laura was so willing to help us with scans and the funeral pictures.

-That Shirlyn and Katie listened to the spirit to come up and support me and give me strength and love in the moment that I needed it the most. 

-Jeff and Julie came to support me and Brent. 

-Krista, Al, Dani and Gavin made the trip up to support me and be with me.

-That mom's rally day was on Sunday before she passed away.

-Everyone was able to see her and be with her.

-All the meals that everyone brought. 

-We got just enough venmo money to pay the power bill for dad.

-Dad has received almost enough money to pay for the headstone.

-We were able to find cemetery spaces that were perfect for mom and dad. 

-Sal was able to cover the store well enough during the week before the funeral so dad could have the whole week off.

-The life insurance is going to be able to pay the 2nd mortgage off for the house completely.

-Mesha and Kalea were able to stay for the whole time throughout the week to be with mom while she passed and be here for the funeral planning.

-Brent has been amazing to stay on top of everything, the laundry, the kids, the extra's... all the things. He's been amazing at it. 

-Emily was able to get a rental car to make it to IF after her flight was cancelled and Eric was able to make it to the funeral. 

-The Berrett's were able to make it... Peggy, Jen and Jessica and their dad. 

-Aunt Barbara with cousin Deann was able to come. 

-The music was put together so well and beautiful.

-

Last Day Of Mimi's Life - Release Blessing, Sacrament, Passing Away

 Dear Kids, (some of this post I direct to you and some I don't... work with it :-) )

I need to write about the last Sunday of Mimi's life on this earth. It was such a beautiful day. 

Part of the reason why it was so wonderful is because for a couple weeks before this day she had been deteriorating quickly and her mind was starting to go. She was forgetting things, forgetting conversations, forgetting her oxygen, several signs of her mind letting go. It was really hard to watch that happen, especially because Mimi's mind has always been very quick, witty, and fast. 

But Sunday was her "rally day". Her eyes were brighter than the previous weeks before and her mind was there. She was keeping up with conversations and everything that was happening around her. It felt really good to have that kind of bonding with her. Jonathan was able to make it to IF the night before at about 9pm and he was able to have time with her in the night. Then the next day he was able to help with several different things to take care of mom. He was able to have good conversations with him and have some great laughs together. I was really glad about this because I know that he didn't have good closure with Shay, he had a hard time with that. 

But the most beautiful things that happened on Sunday were Mimi's last sacrament meeting with us all together, and also her release blessing.

Papa blessed the sacrament and Teague and Gabe passed it to everyone that was there (Kalea's family, my family, Jonathan and Mesha and Mimi). The kids were very reverent and they could feel the significance of what we were doing. We used sour dough bread for the sacrament because that is what Mimi could eat and we sang all together. I love hearing my family sing together because everyone has such beautiful and wonderful voices. I could feel VERY powerfully lots of angels in the room. We were not alone, that's for sure. 

Then Jonathan gave Mimi her blessing of release. Before he gave the blessing he offered a prayer and he asked that angels from our past generations and future generations be present with us. As soon as he prayed that, it was phenomenal. The "GUSH" angelic sound and feeling happened the room was filled. In my mind's eye it's like the ceiling was gone and angels were just filling up the space. 

Jonathan said when he put his hands on her head that he felt a huge weight press upon him, and it was generations of priesthood holders that were putting their hands on him to participate in the blessing from the other side. 

I saw Shayla standing my Jonathan, with my spiritual eyes. I recognized her immediately. But then there were two others standing my Jonathan and I didn't recognize them for a minute, but then realized that they were Grandma and Grandpa Connell! I realized that I didn't recognize them like I did Shayla so immediately because I remembered them old! But they were young, 25ish and I didn't immediately remember them as so youthful. It took me a minute to recognize them because of that. I chuckled at myself after realizing that. 

The other thing I saw in my mind's eye was the light that was poured into me throughout my life. It's like I could see a movie reel of my life and throughout it (especially my growing up years) I could see light that Mom POURED into me, literally poured from her soul and the light she called down from heaven. Every prayer, every touch, every kind word, every good deed I witnessed, every scripture study session, every good choice, every time she filled my love bucket, EVERYTHING she did acting as my mom she poured LIGHT into my soul until I was filled with it. That was an amazing thing to see in my heart and mind. It happened in a split second, what I could feel and see about what she did for me and my siblings. It took my breath away, literally.

Most importantly was the feeling that was there. There were layers and layers of angels and support and feeling and beauty and gravity of the sanctity of the amazing life mom lived, especially for her family, and how well pleased the heavens were with her! She had done her work! She had lived a life that was devoted to God and her family and in those moments during the blessing I could feel the rejoicing in the heavens because of how she lived her life, in the service of God. 

After the blessing of release, she rested a bit, but then Jeff and the boys got there and she was able to see them one last time. Then Ben got there and he was the last person that she needed to see. Then she slipped into sleep and just never came out of her rest. We were able to give her morphine and lorasapam (thanks to Mesha's work to get her on hospice) and it helped her just relax into rest and she just slept away. 

Later that night we had the kids come and say "good bye" to her. They were so tender and sweet. Gabe told her that he didn't want her to go and he would miss her too much. That he wanted more time with her, but he would work on being okay with it and he knew that she would be with Jesus and Shayla. Talia was very emotional and told her that she was her best Mimi ever and that she was her best friend because she didn't have a sister, so Mimi filled in that gap for her while we've been here. She told her how much she loved doing girlie things with her and that she knew that Mimi understands her like no one else does. Elijah told her how much he loved her and how glad he was that he was her grandson. He just wanted to sit there and look at her, he has a very tender place in his heart for Mimi, he's a Mimi's boy for sure. Joshua told her that if she didn't wake up that it was okay, but that if she did, he was ready to play more games with her. 

After saying goodbye to Mimi, then Papa talked to all the kids and told them that Mimi was going to be okay and she was going to be in heaven but would always be with us together. Papa hugged each of them, and then they each hugged me as they came in together. I hugged each of you so tight! I just didn't want to let go. There's nothing like watching someone dying and leaving this life to teach you about what is really important. The perspective it gives me is just amazing, to focus on what's BEST.

The kids wanted me to wake them up to tell them when she passed away. They didn't want to just wake up and have her be gone. So we promised that we'd wake them up (and we did, we woke you all up and told you when it happened so you wouldn't be shocked the next day). 

Then we got the kids in bed and we sat down the plan out the night. Then Mesha went in to check on Mom and she had started to breath differently. She told us that she was making progress to death. She woke up Dad and told him to get up and be by mom. So dad sat by mom by the bed and held her hand. Kalea and I ended up laying on the bed by mom (I was more by her head and Kalea by her side) and Mesha sat at the end of the bed. We just stayed there with her as she kept making more progression, basically laboring into death (it's amazing the similarities with laboring with death and laboring with birth). Eventually Brent and Ben came in as well. Brent came by me and Ben by Kalea. 

You could feel mom's body progressing into death in the most interesting ways. Her heart beat faster and her oxygen got lower. Her breathing had a type of rattle about it. She got slower and slower breathing and her body started getting slowly colder, very, very gradually. About two minutes before she died dad said, "It's okay sweetie. You've given me 47 wonderful years of marriage and 5 beautiful children. We'll be okay, It's okay for you to go with them. I'll be okay."

I'm so glad he felt inspired to say that because up to that point I could feel this back and forth with mom's spirit. She was hesitating because she didn't want to leave dad. Of course! Her love! But Shayla was there and Grandma and Grandpa Connell and SO MANY other generations of people. She was hesitating leaving dad. Two minutes after he gave her permission she took her last breath. 

It was... unbelievable to be part of such a sacred moment.  I just laid there and kept touching her, trying to connect with what was happening on the other side, but it was difficult to really see with my spiritual eyes because of the physical reality of her taking her last breath. We all started crying and we got up to be by dad. As soon as all of us girls hugged dad I felt Shayla put her arms around all of us. Even just feeling about it now is so comforting to feel, her love and her devotion to our family and truly the bonds that we have as siblings... even though we are sealed eternally to our spouses... the bonds that we have as siblings in this life, our forever built in friends forever, were so apparent. 

Then I could feel when they left. I'm sure to meet Jesus. The room still have angels there, but there was a VERY stark different between how crowded the room was before mom died, while she was dying, right after she died, then when she left with Shayla to go to another realm. There was just a more empty feeling. 

There is nothing quite as sacred as watching someone take their first breath and watching them take their last breath. It is an experience that has changed me forever. Same thing when I had the experience of watching Shay. It changed me forever. The life that we live here and how temporary it really is. So temporary. 

Then I asked myself... what am I doing with this temporary life of mine?

I know I am going to continue to need mom's help to focus on my family. I have precious few years left with my kids and I want to make the most of it. My desire for worldly things and recognition is completely gone. It really is. It has been stripped from me over this last year. I just want to me a momma to my kids and wife to Brent. I'm sure more projects will show their faces through the years, but as of now, my lazer focus is on my family. 

They need my whole heart, not half of it. And mom is the perfect one to inspire me inside of the "whole-hearted mom quest" of mine. I feel like I've gone through phases of the whole heart, but I'm back around again, feeling it again. I feel like I lost a bit of my mom drive. Just parenting life being difficult and hard, there is an essence of the love of motherhood that left me a little while ago. I am just stuck in the hum-drum of doing living, and not really ENJOYING it. I know in my logical mind that no matter what, the difficult encounters in parenting are always going to be there, but I want my focus to me more solely focused on God inside of my mothering. I really need my mom to teach me, especially with her on the other side. 

I want her to teach me how to REALLY mother. I feel like these first 13 years were a practice round... now it's time for the real deal. 

I love you kids. I really do. I will know my life is a success if you all are gathered around me when I take my last breath. I want you there. I want you by me as I pass out of this world. That is one of my hearts greatest desires. 

I love you, 

Your Mom